by Nikki Ash
“It doesn’t sound like that’s what’s going on, but let’s just rule it out before we move on,” the doctor says to Daniel and not me.
I head to the restroom, taking deep breaths so I don’t throw up in the hallway. On top of feeling absolutely run-down, now, my nerves are shot. If I am pregnant, I’ll have to make some big decisions. With the way my marriage is going, I would never want to put a child through my life. Marrying him was my fault that I must live through, but I don’t want to ruin someone else’s life with my poor choices.
When I enter the room, I set the container on the counter and take my seat back on the exam chair. Dr. Parker talks about the weather and how the fog has been pretty light, but honestly, all of his words are mush in my brain as I stare at the test, waiting to see what it says.
When Dr. Parker’s shoulders fall forward, I breathe a sigh of relief, as no one would ever be sad about having to tell someone they’re not pregnant, especially if they weren’t even trying.
He is probably tired and was hoping this would be an easy answer, so he wouldn’t have to run more tests and help me figure out what’s going on.
“Congratulations,” he says as he turns toward me, sitting up straighter.
I inhale a sharp breath.
“You’re going to be a mother.”
“I’m what?” I ask, my eyes feeling like they’re going to bug out of my head.
“She’s what?” Daniel asks, standing so fast that the chair he was on hits the wall behind him.
His eyes meet Dr. Parker’s, who steps back with his head down. Confusion races over me until Daniel strides out of the room, leaving me.
Well, I guess that answers any questions I might have had about him wanting to be a father.
I blink away tears that make me even more upset. I hate the way he constantly makes me feel.
Frustration from the past few years races through me and fuels my fire as I jump off the chair. “Where are you going? Daniel?” I yell, grabbing my stuff.
I stop at the door and turn back to Dr. Parker. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know why he did that. I should—”
“Go,” Dr. Parker urges. “You two need to talk.”
I turn and follow Daniel out of the office. When we get to the street, I yell to him, “Daniel! Please, stop. Why did you leave like that?”
I run after him, and he stops. He glares down at me, and I see anger I never thought I’d see from him. He might be rude to me on a constant basis, but the rage radiating off of him right now is new and frightens me to my core.
“How could you?”
I step back. “What do you mean?”
“You do realize that Dr. Parker now knows you’re a whore who cheats on her husband?”
My eyes widen as visions of that night with Travis flash through my mind, but I quickly blink them away. There’s no way. This baby is Daniel’s. It has to be. Travis and I used protection.
But why would he say that, and how would he know?
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say not very convincingly, even to myself.
He lets out a huff, shaking his head, stuffing his hands deeper into his suit pockets. “Let me see if I can spell it out for you. You’re pregnant, and I know for a fact that it’s not mine.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “No. No. That’s not true. You have to be the father.”
He shakes his own head. “Nope. I’m not, and you want to know how I know that?”
I take a deep breath, feeling like my life is collapsing around me.
“Because I had a vasectomy a year ago.”
My fear turns to rage. “You what?” I yell, not holding back one bit.
He gets closer, his anger even more evident. “I decided I didn’t want kids. So, I took measures into my own hands and solved the problem before you got pregnant without allowing me to be a part of the decision. Dr. Parker is who gave me the referral.”
I cover my mouth with my hands, not sure whether to cry or scream. “And you didn’t tell me?”
“No. It’s my body.” He gets closer to my face. “So, there you go. I. Can’t. Have. Kids.” He takes a step back and crosses his arms. “So, tell me, oh wife of mine, who knocked you up?”
I see red, nothing but flaming red, when I bring my hand up and slap him across his face before turning and walking in the opposite direction.
The day I married this man has just turned into my worst nightmare.
Chapter Four
In the Sunset District in San Francisco, I stand at the front door of my best friend, Liz’s, house, carrying my bags with tears running down my face. I didn’t bother to call before I came, so when she sees me for the first time, looking like a hot mess, her reaction is exactly what I expected.
“Oh my God, what happened? Come in. Michelle, sweetie.” She wraps her arms around me.
I sob into her shoulder for a solid minute before she leads me inside. Thankfully, her husband is still at work, and I try to hide my face from her daughter, Sophie.
“Sophie”—she kneels down to her—“would you mind going to your room and turning on a movie, so I can talk to Michelle?”
“Sure, Mommy,” she says as she skips down the hall with her blanket in tow.
Seeing her disappear around the corner just makes me cry harder. I’ve wanted a child for so long, but I thought it would never happen with the marriage I was in. Now that I’m pregnant, I don’t know what to do.
When Liz sees me with my face in my hands, she rushes to my side and leads me to the couch, leaving my bags in the middle of her living room.
“Okay, please tell me what’s going on. I’m really getting scared here,” Liz says, rubbing her hand down my back.
I sit up, swallow the shame I feel, and admit, “I messed up.”
Her eyes open wide. “You messed up? How?”
“I slept with someone else,” I say through more tears.
Liz rubs her lips together as she takes a long inhale. “I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but, girl, I’ve never been prouder of you.”
I flip my head up to see her more clearly. “Excuse me?”
She sighs before she lets it all out. “None of us like Daniel, but we wanted to support you, hoping we would see what you did. It only seems like he’s gotten worse instead of better. I’ve always felt like you deserved more.”
I close my eyes as tears spill out. She wipes them away.
“Sweetie, don’t cry.” She reaches for a tissue from a box she has sitting on the end table.
I take it from her and wipe my cheeks. “You’re right. It has gotten worse, but I still had hopes that the man I’d married would return somehow.”
“So, did you tell him? Or I’m guessing he found out somehow?”
I stare right at her, my face frowning so much that I might look like I’m melting.
She grabs my hand. “Is there something else you want to tell me?”
I nod ever so slightly, taking in a shaky breath, and when she sees my face, everything sets in.
“Oh …”
“Yeah. Oh …”
“So, I take it, you don’t know which one the father is then?”
I shake my head. “No, I know whose it is.”
“Then …” She leans down her head to try to see my face, waiting for me to speak.
“I thought for sure it was Daniel’s. I mean, I was only with that guy once. It was a huge mistake, but Daniel and I had just gotten in a big fight, so I’d left and ended up at a bar. The guy was there, and he was so sweet. He made me feel alive for the first time in years. I’d thought, with age, that feeling just disappeared, and real life took over. I’d thought what I felt every day was normal.”
She grabs another tissue and wipes my face. “No. You should never feel anything but happy. Why didn’t you tell me it was that bad?”
I shrug. “Like I said, I thought it was normal.”
“But wait, how do you know it’s not Daniel’s? Did you guys not h
ave a sex life?”
My fists clench as I hear his words in my mind. I close my eyes, letting the anger, frustration, and hurt wash through me before I open them and say, “Because he told me he had a vasectomy a year ago.”
She stands instantly. “He did what? And he never told you?”
I shake my head, placing my palms on my face as more sobs escape my lips. She races back to my side.
“Then you told him you were pregnant, and that’s when he told you it couldn’t be his?”
I nod. She pauses as the silence bounces between us.
“Can I ask who this guy is?” she asks cautiously.
I sit back and slump on her couch. “His name was Travis. I left in the middle of the night when everything sank in. I panicked. So, yeah, I never got his number.”
“But you know where he lives then?”
I nod.
“Are you going to tell him? Or are you thinking of …”
My eyes meet hers, and she knows my answer to the second question she didn’t have to ask. I’m absolutely keeping this baby, no matter what. Just like my beliefs in marriage, I feel the same way about life. Since I already ruined one, the other isn’t even a thought.
She grabs my hand again and smiles brightly. “Well, we’re having a baby. Let’s not let that asshole take that away from you. Maybe that’s why you met this Travis guy. He gave you the one thing you couldn’t get from Daniel.”
A sharp laugh escapes my lips. “That’s one way to look at it.”
Chapter Five
Thankfully, Liz is letting me stay at her place as I figure out what I’m going to do. When her husband got home, he was quick to tell me how much he didn’t like Daniel as well.
It’s weird to learn how everyone has had the same feelings I was starting to experience with Daniel. Yes, they figured it out before I did, but I was blind by hope and empty promises. It’s nice to know they still supported me even though they had certain feelings about him.
I’ve spent the last week in absolute despair, but I have finally faced the facts. I’m ready to pull my big-girl panties up and move on with my life, no matter how different I thought it was going to be only a few short days ago.
As I stare in the mirror, I take a moment to let the fact that I’m pregnant really sink in.
I place my hand on my stomach, closing my eyes as I say, “Hey there, little one. I know you’re entering the world in a different way than I would have liked, but I need you to know that you will always be wanted by the only person who matters—me. I’ll always be here for you, and I can’t wait until we get to meet.”
Tears fill my eyes, and I blink them away. I don’t want to mess up my makeup that I just did. I have an important conversation to have, and I don’t need to look a wreck when I have it.
I exit the room I’m staying in and see Liz in the kitchen, making breakfast. When our eyes meet, she puts down the spatula and heads toward me to give me a hug.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?” she asks once she steps back and tends to her eggs again.
“No. I got myself in this mess, so I can do this,” I say with all the confidence I can find deep inside because, honestly, I’m freaking out.
“Here.” She steps around the counter to the fridge and opens it, handing me a glass from it. “I made you fresh juice. You have a baby to care for now. We’ll get you one of these daily to make sure you get your fruits and veggies.”
I take it from her and give her a hug. “Thank you for everything.”
She smiles big. “Go knock ’em dead.” Then, she laughs. “Okay, bad advice for what you’re about to do.” She pauses, searching for the right words. She finally shakes her head with a shrug. “I guess just good luck fits.”
I hold up my glass in thanks again. “I’ll take all the luck I can get.”
I leave her place with my juice in hand and hop in my car, driving toward my destiny with no clue what’s going to happen.
When I pull up to Travis’s apartment, my stomach is in my throat, and I have to calm my breath, so I don’t throw up. I’ve never had nerves like this.
As I approach his door, all the memories of that night and the way I felt alive when I was with him come rushing back. All I can think about is what Liz said when I first told her. I’m a huge believer of everything happening for a reason, and maybe she’s right.
We used protection, yet something went wrong, and I still got pregnant. I was married for five years and never once had a scare—well, that is, before he had his vasectomy. Maybe this is God’s way of trying to show me Daniel isn’t the one I should be with and that I deserve to be happy.
I stand out front of Travis’s door and take a deep breath, knowing this will change both of our lives forever. Before I can chicken out, I raise my hand and knock.
I hear a female’s voice on the other side of the door and question if I should run and come back later. I don’t have time to make up my mind because the door swings open, and a gorgeous blonde with long legs and big boobs smiles sweetly at me. She looks around eighteen, and when I glance down at my summer dress that I barely fill out, my chest tightens.
“Can I help you?” she finally asks when she sees me staring and not saying a word.
I swallow the lump in my throat and ask, “Is Travis here?” My voice cracks, so I cough and then repeat myself when she shows me she missed what I said, “I’m sorry. Is Travis here?”
“Who is it, babe?” a male voice asks from down the hall.
She turns and shouts back. “Someone asking for Travis.”
The guy approaches, and to my dismay or delight—still trying to process things as I go along here—it’s not Travis.
“I think I saw some mail with the name Travis on it,” he says.
The girl turns back to me. “Sorry, we moved in a few weeks ago. You must be looking for the previous tenant.” She takes in my expression, and I feel like I have a flashing neon light that says I’m carrying his baby by the way her face changes. She reaches her hand out to me, placing it on my wrist. “I’m really sorry we don’t have more information. You might be able to ask a neighbor where he moved to.”
I nod and take a deep breath, faking a smile. “Yeah. Um, it’s okay. No worries. Thanks for your help.”
I turn and leave before I make a bigger fool of myself. Once I get to my car, I turn and see she’s following behind me. I stop, and she gives me a sweet smile.
“Hey, do you maybe know where he works? Or you could check social media.”
“I don’t know his last—” I stop myself short. How embarrassing to admit to the girl that I don’t even know his last name. I quickly recover. “I don’t know his last place he worked,” I lie even though I know exactly where my next stop will be.
“Okay.” She smiles again, and I know it’s laced with sympathy.
I give her the same grin back and hop in my car, heading straight to the Mission District and the restaurant he said he worked at.
Of course they’re closed due to it being so early so I walk around the back and, thankfully, people are there who must be prepping for the day. I knock on the back door and wait for a response.
A guy dressed in a white apron opens the door and stares at me with a questioning expression covering his face. “Can I help you?”
Instantly, I feel like a stalker when I realize just what I’m doing and how it must seem to them. I really should have thought this through and come back later today when the restaurant was open and I could enter through the front door.
I try to come off as normal as possible. “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m looking for Travis. Do you know if he’s working tonight? I’m from his hometown, and I wanted to surprise him,” I lie and pat my back when I remember he’s from a small town up north.
The guy shakes his head. “Travis quit a while back. He moved somewhere out of the city after he graduated.”
I close my eyes, trying to fight back the tears, and then I open them an
d put on an act because, now, my lie isn’t coming off so well. “Well, shoot. His mom didn’t tell me that. You don’t know where, do you?”
The guy shakes his head, narrowing his eyes, and I can tell he’s starting to think I’m some crazy woman.
“Sorry. I got nothing,” he says.
Before I can say anything else, he shuts the door, slamming out any hope I had of finding him without coming out and saying, I’m a whore who cheated on my husband, and I got pregnant from a guy I barely know that used to work here.
I step back, and with my head held low, I walk back to my car as Liz’s words sing through my mind again. If everything happens for a reason, then there must be a reason he left as well. Maybe he did give me the one thing Daniel couldn’t.
I place my hand on my stomach, not sure if I should try harder to find Travis or just enjoy the gift he gave me and be thankful for it.
Chapter Six
Six Years Later
“Leighton Travis Johnson, if you don’t come here right now, you will not get ice cream after your appointment,” I yell as I stand at the front door, waiting to leave.
“I’m coming! I’m coming!” I hear my young boy say as the pitter-patter of his little feet come running toward me.
“Where are your shoes?” I place my hands on my hips in question.
He’s definitely been testing my patience lately with his whole no, I do it mentality. I want to encourage his independence, but having things take ten more minutes than necessary is trying at times.
“They’re in my room. I’ll get them!”
He turns and runs away, and I have to take a deep breath to calm my frustration. After a minute, I head toward his room to find him playing with the new game I bought him.
“Leighton,” I say as I pick up his shoes, walking toward him to put them on his feet, “we have to go.”
Leighton has a doctor’s appointment for a yearly checkup, and then we’re going to enroll him in kindergarten. I can’t believe my little boy is old enough to go to kindergarten. These past six years have been a whirlwind but one I wouldn’t change for anything.