Nocere

by Max Ellendale

  "Believe them, Rose. This was all me, not them," added Samirah when she approached. She crouched down in front of me, blocking my path and attempting to catch my gaze. "Hey. Can you look at me a minute?"

  I let my eyes flicker in her direction.

  "I'm sorry, Rose. They're telling the truth. This was all me."

  "I don't believe you." I swallowed down the lump in my throat. "I don't believe any of you. Leave me alone." I stormed away from them, and headed toward the information desk at the beginning of the trail head.

  ***

  An entire week passed, and I ignored all of Ainsley's phone calls. She knew how I felt about trusting people, and I didn't believe that she had nothing to do with Samirah's attention to me. Instead, I retreated to where I was comfortable, in my own space doing what I wanted to do.

  Work the following Monday continued my routine, and I plucked my way through a series of reports. Detective Stiles brought me his sex crimes cases for the past three years and I began to compile the data. I moved out from behind my desk to the table I kept on the opposite side of the room where I spread out the files. Unmarred by yet another disappointment from people I hoped to call friends, my dismissive stance only served to focus me more on work.

  By the time lunch rolled around, I'd plucked my way through half of the banker boxes, and moved on to the second half. My phone chimed on my desk, interrupting my flow, and I took a second to check it. A text from Alex lingered on the screen.

  Hi, Rosie. My roommate is having a rager tonight. Can I crash at yours?

  A rager on a Monday?

  I need a new roommate…

  Clearly. Yeah. You can.

  Cool. I'll spring for pizza if you're up for it.

  Pizza is canon.

  Agreed. See you later.

  See ya.

  "Bryant, how you doing with those sex crimes cases?" Sadie startled me so bad that I dropped my phone. Her heeled boots clicked on the floor, and I looked up in time to catch a glimpse of her tucking her wallet into the back pocket of her jeans. Sadie wasn't intimidating in the looks department, but I didn't enjoy her loud voice when she came at me unexpectedly.

  "Good. Trudging through."

  "Excellent." She joined me at the table in the back of my office and fingered through a few files. "Would it make me an asshole to admit I didn't want to read these files myself?"

  "We each have our limits," I said simply.

  "Nice hair, by the way. Looks good. Brings a little light to your face." She nodded as if my hair was suddenly a part of our job duties.

  "Thanks." I ran my fingers through it. Despite the shitty end to my time with Jordan and Ainsley, I really did like my hair.

  "Walsh told me about the work you did on the sleeper cell case. He agrees that the gang activity afterward indicates something more. We're not sure of what just yet," she said, folding her hands between her knees. "Keep it up and I might have to recommend a salary increase."

  "Thank you for saying that." I leaned back against the table, and closed one of the folders where a few disturbing images lay on top.

  "You're welcome." Sadie's eyes flickered to the folder then back to me. "It does bother you."

  "What?"

  "Seeing those photos. Reading about it."

  "I can box up what I need to in order to push through. Stay focused on the data," I confessed, pushing myself up to sit on the vacant spot on the table.

  "Facts and numbers never let us down, do they?"

  "No, ma'am. Not once." Her assertion brought a smirk to my lips because she shared my sentiment. "They're easy to count on."

  "They're not the only thing, though, Bryant. Remember that." Sadie stood from her spot and knocked on the door jamb on her way out.

  Sometimes I really wanted facts and numbers to be the only thing. I slid from the table and turned back toward my work. Life would be much easier to navigate.

  I returned home and had a quick shower before Alex arrived. As promised, she brought with her two pizzas and a ton of beer.

  "I love your hair," was the first thing she said as soon as I opened the door.

  I laughed, shaking my head at the new greeting that'd been bestowed upon me recently. "Thank you."

  "Thanks to you too, Rosie," she said when I took everything from her so she could carry her overnight bag. "For letting me stay."

  "What's with Brandon and his ragers?"

  "He has a new boyfriend who is really strange and drinks way too much," she said, dropping her bag by the sofa. "I needed a break."

  "Why don't you ask Jordan to crash above the salon for a bit?" I brought two plates to the table and a bottle opener. Neither of us hesitated to dive in.

  "I was thinking that too. At least temporarily. I was going to stay with Frankie, but you know how that ended."

  "I do."

  Alex smirked then took a swig of beer.

  "Can I ask you something honestly?" I dropped my gaze to focus on the food in my plate.

  "Of course."

  "Are you really here because of your roommate or did Ainsley send you?"

  "Ainsley?" Her brow furrowed. "Why would she send me?"

  "Never mind then."

  "No way. You can't just drop that information and then never mind me." She wiggled her fingers in my face to get my attention, and I shoved them away. "What happened?"

  "I felt like she and Jordan set me up last week."

  "Set you up how?"

  "With a girl—a woman, named Samirah. Stupidly, I agreed to go on a hike with them and Samirah starts calling me cute."

  "Well, you are cute. What's the big deal? Was she pretty?"

  "Uck. Don't tease me. I don't know. It felt like a set up. And yeah, she's really pretty. Drop dead gorgeous kind of pretty," I told her while picking at my food.

  "Did they say it was a set up?"

  "They denied it."

  "Do you like this woman?"

  "I don't know. She's nice…"

  "Which means you do. Rosie." Alex tapped on the table to get my attention. "What's the problem?"

  "I don't know. I just don't trust them now… I don't trust anyone."

  "You trust me."

  "You're different."

  "Why am I different?" she asked, helping herself to a second slice of pepperoni.

  "Because I've known you for a long time. You've been in foster homes, group homes, been displaced. You get what it's like to have a shit life." I shrugged and returned to eating.

  She laughed and nodded. "Yeah. I do. But that alone doesn't make me trustworthy. You trust Rebecca."

  "Of course…"

  "So, there's two people you trust. Who's to say there isn't more? What if—"

  "What do I have in common with a doctor anyway?" I blurted out, then lifted my beer to my lips.

  "Ah. There's your truth." She pointed at me with her partially eaten crust. "That's what's bugging you."

  "No it isn't. They lied—"

  "Nope. Nope!" Alex dropped her slice and thudded her hand on the table. I started, gripping my shirt as my heart skipped a beat.

  "Alex, please don't shout. Or bang things."

  "Sorry. Listen to me, Rosie. You blew off your friends because you feel like you don't fit in. Ainsley's a doctor. This new girl is a doctor. Stella's a doctor. Jordan owns a business. Alice is a super mom. Whatever it is, you always find a way to let yourself feel inferior despite the fact that you're super successful all of your own accord." Alex's lecture ended there and she dropped back in her seat, folding her arms with a cocked eyebrow. "Don't try to deny it."

  Everything she said, every word, struck a chord of truth. I leaned my head on my hand and allowed the sudden uprising of tears to escape for once. Alex was like a sister to me after all this time, and her words hit me hard. I trusted her and didn't compare myself to her the way I did with the others. She was a successful esthetician as well as hairdresser. She worked hard and it seemed to be in a more relatable way.

  Alex stood fr
om her chair and crouched down in front of me, her hands on my knees. "I didn't mean to upset you."

  "I was already upset," I said, shrugging. "You just said what I felt."

  "I know. C'mere." She tugged my finger and I let her pull me into a hug. She gave me a squeeze and I returned the gesture. "You know," she said when I leaned back. "Ever notice how everyone else finds the love of their life except us?"

  "I always thought I was just broken or tarnished. But I don't believe that's true for you."

  "You're neither of those things, Rosie. I think it's harder for us because relationships take trust and learning to rely on others. We suck at that."

  "You suck at picking women and choose bitches like Frankie who don't treat you right," I told her flat out. "Stay away from her, would you?"

  "That's the plan. I'm tired of her yelling at me." Alex returned to her seat and continued eating. "Though the last bit of ink she gave me is awesome." She pulled up her sleeve to show me the watercolor music notes up her forearm. "Like that?"

  "I do, but seriously, stay away."

  "I will."

  We finished dinner, then stored the leftovers in the fridge before heading over to the sofa. Alex changed into pajamas and we fell into our usual ritual when we hung out. With blankets in our laps, beers in our palms, and classic movies on the television, we were set for the night.

  "Quit squirming over there," I said, half way through our third episode of The L Word. "You're making me seasick."

  Alex laughed and slouched into the cushions. "I can't. My clit is on fire."

  "Ew. Do you have an STD?"

  "No!" She smacked my foot and I laughed at her. "It's been like a month since I had sex."

  "So?"

  "I'm horny."

  "Once again, I say, ew. Don't tell me that."

  "Why? I'm going to masturbate on this sofa after you go to bed." Alex's fit of laughter had me pretending to die.

  "Gross! Alex. C'mon."

  "It's not gross, prude."

  "It's gross if you tell me about it." My phone buzzed on the table and I swiped it to check my notifications for a welcome distraction. Alex continued to snicker while staring at the television.

  I tapped the new text alert and saw the message box from Samirah pop up on the screen. I gulped when I saw the long blocked text and glanced at Alex to make sure she wasn't watching me.

  Hi Rose. It's Sam. I know you're upset about what happened last weekend, and I take full responsibility for not being up front with you. I apologize for not telling you how I felt. I thought taking it slower was better and I was wrong about that. Jordan and Ainsley had nothing to do with it. Neither of them knew how I felt. Please don't write your friends off because of me. Again, I'm sorry.

  I stared at my phone, and reread the message at least three times.

  "What's so interesting?" said Alex, leaning over and nudging my shoulder.

  "Nothing." I tugged my phone away from her and she huffed.

  "C'mon. Who texted you?"

  "No one."

  "Liar! Rosie." She whined and grabbed at the phone.

  "No. If I tell you, you'll blab." I lifted the phone above my head, and held her at bay with my feet. "Shoo."

  "I promise I won't. Tell me."

  "Do you swear? I won't talk to you anymore if you say something," I said, hugging my phone to my chest.

  A wave of seriousness calmed Alex's silliness down. "I know, Rose. I've been your friend for fifteen years. I won't tell."

  I met her gaze and her truth lingered in the strength of her stare. This wasn't the only secret of mine she held, and she'd made me that promise once before. No one ever found out and so, I decided to trust her. "Okay." I turned the phone around and showed her the text.

  Her eyes darted back and forth across the screen, widening as she read it. "Oh my God." A soft smile curved her mouth and she leaned her elbow on the pillow beside me. "So what does this adorably text-verbose woman look like?"

  "Long, dark hair. Sharp cheekbones, thick, pouty lips. Flawless bronze skin. Taller than me," I said, slouching in my seat. "She's an anesthesiologist."

  "Shit, Rosie. She sounds amazing."

  "She is. A little." I fiddled with my phone. "Or seems to be."

  "Text her back."

  "No."

  "Do you want to see her again?"

  I shrugged, glancing at her.

  "So, a beautiful woman wanted to spend time with you. What's wrong with that?" She patted my hand. "Text her."

  "What would I say?"

  "Tell her how you feel about her apology."

  "Okay…"

  I drew in a deep breath before typing my response. Alex looked over my shoulder, watching every word I typed. Hi. Thank you for your apology.

  "How's that?"

  "Pathetic. Keep going."

  I frowned at her and wrote, I was mad at Ainsley and Jordan, but I'll talk to them tomorrow.

  "Not enough. Keep going."

  "C'mon. What else am I supposed to say?"

  "Do you want to see her again?"

  "I don't know…"

  "You do know, otherwise you would've said no." She poked my arm really hard and I smacked her hand.

  "Ouch. Stop that." I hit send on my response before she could bully me into something more.

  I'm glad you'll talk to them. I never meant for things to spiral the way they did, Samirah answered right away.

  I know you didn't. Sometimes I get unreasonable, I told her, biting my lip as Alex watched.

  "You're never unreasonable. Why did you say that?"

  "Because I am."

  "Stop it, Rosie. You're probably too reasonable at times." Alex tossed her arm around my shoulders and I shrugged her off.

  "Quit it."

  "No. Suffer with my affection."

  "Uck." I ignored her when Samirah responded.

  If I felt my friends set me up, I would've acted the same way. It isn't unreasonable. I understand, she said.

  "Do you want to see her again?"

  "Maybe."

  "Say something like maybe when she's around you can meet for coffee or lunch. Something small. Nothing about dinner or on a weekend," suggested Alex.

  "Are you sure?" I bit my bottom lip and she nodded.

  "Trust me. I sleep with lots of random women." She waved her hand at my phone. "Let's go."

  "You're really pushy tonight," I said, leaning away from her and curling up in the pillows. "Quit smothering me."

  Alex laughed and patted my knee. "Never."

  Maybe when you're moved out here officially, we can grab a coffee or something. I sent my message off to Samirah, and held my breath while awaiting her reply.

  How does Thursday work for you?

  This Thursday?

  Yes. Starbucks by UW 6pm?

  Okay.

  See you then.

  "What'd you say?" asked Alex when I set my phone down.

  "We're meeting for coffee on Thursday."

  "Good for you, Rosie." Alex yawned and stretched out on the sofa. "You deserve to be happy."

  "I'm not sure what happy means. Are you?" I folded my hands over my stomach while I watched her stare at the next episode when it began playing.

  "Sometimes I think I do. Not always. Happiness is like a mood. It changes."

  "I get that. I'm gonna go to bed. Wake me if you make breakfast?" I stood up and tossed my blanket on top of her head.

  "You know I will. Night."

  "Don't masturbate on my sofa. Night."

  I closed the door to my room while Alex's laughter echoed behind me.

  Chapter Four

  I spent most of my work days that week buried in case files from sex crimes. Stiles checked in on me twice and added another box. Sadie left me alone for the most part, and the time by myself simply focused on work soothed the chaotic feelings that bounced around inside me. Alex ended up staying with me longer than expected, and I hadn't spoken to Jordan or Ainsley as I told Samirah I would. I w
anted to, but the thought of confrontation bothered me.

  Thursday evening rolled around, and I texted Alex to remind her I wouldn't be home after work. I made my way to Starbucks as promised, half an hour early, and while standing outside, I thought about bailing. Truly considered walking off down the street and never looking back. What was I even doing there?

  "Are you planning to run off on me?" Samirah's voice startled me and I jumped, gripping my purse close to my chest.

  "N-no."

  She laughed, her hand falling to my forearm. "Hi, Rose."

  "Hi." The moment she touched me, my anxiety quelled, and I took note of her overwhelmingly beautiful presence. She didn't wear scrubs or hiking clothes. Instead, her black-on-black jeans and blouse combo stole my attention the way it wrapped her fit frame. Her hair, down almost to her waist, drew my attention from where her hand gripped me, up to her uniquely hazel eyes. She was, more than I'd noticed previously, beautiful.

  "I didn't mean to scare you," she said, her voice soft. "Will you have coffee with me?"

  I nodded and she ushered me into the store. Customers occupied a few tables and the comfortable big chairs by the front window, so Samirah led me to an empty table off to the side service counter.

  "What would you like?" she asked, setting her purse down on the chair when I hooked mine over the back of another.

  "Um...a latte? I can get it."

  "It's okay. I'll put our orders in. You're sure that you'd like a latte?" she asked, her brows furrowing under her thick side-swept bangs.

  "I'm sure." I nodded and sat down when she gestured to the table. "Thank you."

  My nerves rattled around my stomach while I waited for her to return. A few of the uniformed officers from the precinct stopped in for coffee, but they didn't see me tucked away in the corner.

  Samirah returned and set down the latte in front of me, and she gripped an iced drink that looked rather decadent.

  "There you go," she said as she sat across from me.

  "Thanks. I appreciate it."

  "Of course. I appreciate you coming to talk to me."

  I nodded again and sipped my drink before holding the warm cup in my palms. I didn't know what to say to her, and I kept my focus on the steam rising from the small opening in the lid.

  "Rose," she said, reaching across the table to give my forearm a squeeze. "Are you okay?"