Nocere

by Max Ellendale

  "We also found out that Rosie's psychiatrist is dating the first woman I ever slept with who is also my friend. So there's that," said Sam.

  "Marita?" Stella's brows lifted as she glanced between us. "Well, looks like Jordan has a few chart amendments to make."

  I smirked and nodded. "Except Anita will probably not see me anymore. It's a conflict of interest. And I don't want a different doctor."

  Both of us kind of spilled our guts to Stella as if she were our own personal three-in-the-morning sounding board. It seemed to quell her worry though.

  "Do you feel like it's a conflict?" asked Stella, glancing between us.

  "No. She's been my doctor forever. Just because we now know about something doesn't change anything. It was already happening beforehand."

  "Tell her that, Rosie. It's important to tell her how you honestly feel."

  "I will." I leaned my head on Sam's shoulder and she hugged me, her chin atop my head. Stella drew her gaze back to Sam.

  "You two look totally drained. Get some sleep and we'll talk when it's light out. Okay?" Stella gave both of our legs a pat before standing. We both nodded and watched as she headed to the door.

  "Stell," called Sam. When she turned back around, Sam said, "You can tell Alice."

  Stella's brow furrowed. "What changed your mind?"

  "If she knows you're keeping something from her, it'll put a strain on you two. I don't want that." Samirah glanced to me then repeated Anita's phrase, "Primum non nocere."

  Stella's smile made it to her eyes and she blew us a kiss. "Night, ladies."

  "Night."

  ***

  The week began as it always did. Monday dragged us down, Tuesday beat us up, and Wednesday offered hope. Sam worked her regular shifts, and I resumed my standard nine-to-five. I returned back to my apartment each night, as Sam's twelve-hour shifts kept us apart, though we made sure to text.

  Ainsley and I met Jordan for lunch on Wednesday at the pizzeria across the street from our work and she brought Alex along as a surprise.

  "I wish you would've let me go with you," said Alex after I told them about the parole hearing. "But I'm glad Samirah went with you and Rebecca."

  "I'm sorry, Alex. I just...I didn't want you seeing that after everything you've been through." I set my pizza crust down on my plate.

  "Stop trying to protect me and let me be your friend." Alex stole the food right off my plate and tore off a bite. "Let all of us be. You never do."

  "Okay." I scowled and helped myself to another slice. "I get it."

  "I have to say, Rosie, your cheeks are pinker than usual." Jordan grinned and wagged her brows at me. "Both sets."

  Ainsley's eyes widened with the snicker she attempted to hide behind her glass of soda. Alex's perplexed expression didn't match the others. "What is she talking about?" she asked me.

  "Oh nothing." Jordan swiped a mozzarella stick from the dish beside me. "Just some salon gossip that you missed, Alex."

  I cocked a brow at her and folded my arms. "What are you saying?"

  "Nora came in for her usual today." Jordan tapped her lip. "She had lots to say."

  "Well you better not have a lot to say then." I frowned at her and it only made her laugh more.

  "Wait, something really happened?" Ainsley glanced between us. "What don't I know?" Jordan patted Ainsley on the head and she huffed. Alex looked between us as if she watched a tennis match.

  "Nora shouldn't be spreading my business," I said, my distaste for the situation growing.

  "To be fair, she didn't. She spilled Samirah's." Jordan held a single finger in the air. "She doesn't know that I know you."

  "Don't tease me." When I said it, I could nearly feel the pout thicken my bottom lip.

  Alex wrapped her arms around me in a heartbeat. "Don't tease her!"

  "Jordan." Ainsley smacked her upside the head.

  "Okay, okay!" Jordan surrendered, both hands held palm up in front of her as she fixed her tousled hair with a huff.

  "You made Rosie pout." Ainsley shoved Jordan's shoulder then.

  "Let's get out of here and leave Jordan with the bill," said Alex, and Ainsley nodded. I chuckled while leaning into her hug. "No one makes our Rosie pout and gets away with it." Their protectiveness brought a genuine smile to my face.

  "Yup." Ainsley clapped once. "No sex for Jordan tonight."

  "Hey!" Jordan's protest joined a bout of laughter. "You know that means you, too, right?"

  "I can manage." Ainsley puffed up her chest. "I've got a good vibrator."

  Alex and I cracked up while Jordan dropped her face into her palms.

  While the two of them bickered, albeit playfully, I pulled out my phone and turned to Alex. "Can you help me with something?"

  "Sure." She perked right up. "What can I do?"

  "I want to send Sam flowers at work again, but I don't know how. I mean, I do, but..." I shook my head and shrugged at the same time. "Rebecca helped me last time."

  Alex's smile softened and she leaned over to look at my phone. "Show me what you got."

  "Okay…" I pulled up the website that I spent the morning browsing and showed her a few items I placed in my cart. "I want something simple. Not flashy because she's very subtle."

  "Got it." Alex flicked through the cart and deleted a few things.

  Ainsley and Jordan finally cooled off enough to look on.

  "Rosie," called Jordan and I looked up at her. Part of me expected another round of silly, but her intense expression said otherwise. She held up her index finger then said, "One single flower."

  My brows flicked upward and I glanced at the others. "Really?"

  Alex nodded, her smile morphing into a grin. "Yes."

  "Oh yeah," agreed Ainsley. "Subtle. Sexy."

  I nodded and then emptied the shopping cart on the website. "I want to pick it out in person."

  "There's a flower shop not far from here." Alex gestured to the front of the restaurant. "We could walk."

  "Okay." I pocketed my phone and pulled out my wallet. "Can we do that now?"

  "Yes." Alex nearly giggled. "Let's go."

  "None of that now." Ainsley swatted my hand as I attempted to pull out cash. "I'm surprised I even got you to go out to a restaurant. Also, Jordan is paying. We weren't kidding."

  "Go." Jordan waved us off. "Go buy flowers for your girlfriend."

  Just hearing her say it made me smile despite the lurch of anxiety in my belly. "Okay. Thank you for lunch."

  "Of course, Goldilocks. Go impress that girl." Jordan winked at me and I chuckled at her silly nickname.

  Alex and I hurried from the pizza place and down the blustery street toward the flower shop. With a pep in her step, she nearly bounced beside me after hooking her elbow with mine.

  "Maybe I should send Sara some flowers…"

  "Are you guys getting serious?"

  "A little. We've been seeing each other at least twice a week for a month and we talk all the time."

  "How much do you like her?"

  "A lot…" Her lip found its way between her teeth.

  "Tell her, Alex. Be honest. And don't bring her near Frankie," I said, giving her arm a squeeze.

  "Do you think it's too soon for me to jump into something after Frankie?" She glanced at me when I pulled the door to the flower shop open for her.

  "You and Frankie were over way before you actually called it off." I gestured for her to head in first then followed. "It's not too soon."

  "Sara's competent, independent, and she treats me with way more kindness than I expected."

  "She treats you with kindness that you should expect," I said while we browsed the arrangements and plants. "Frankie was terrible to you."

  "I know." She pointed to the roses in the coolers. "So many."

  "Yeah." While I gazed at the pretty flowers, none of them struck me as a representation of my feelings for Sam. Every rose, red, white, purple, and yellow, just didn't feel right.

  It wasn't until we c
ame upon a bunch of sunflowers that I felt my heart give a happy skip. I pointed at them and glanced to Alex.

  "A sweet sunflower for your sexy girl?" she said with a smile.

  "Yes." I nodded my agreement and then made my way over to the clerk. "It's perfect."

  "She'll love it." Alex nearly giggled.

  When I returned to work after choosing the perfect arrangement for Sam—a sunflower nestled between purple accents and wrapped in brown paper—I found Rebecca waiting for me in my office. She stood up the moment I entered, and the gentle, but sad smile that she wore told me everything I needed to know before a word left either of us.

  My heart sank, and my throat tightened immediately. She held her arms to me and I gulped down my emotions before allowing them to escape.

  "C'mon, sweet girl. Let's go home." She smooched my cheek and let out a soft sigh before leading me right back out the door.

  Chapter Seventeen

  The television played the evening news while I curled up on Rebecca's sofa. Hot tea sat on the end table beside me next to a plate of fresh chocolate chip cookies. I hadn't touched it yet while I scrolled through my phone. An email delivered a digital copy of the protective order that Rebecca filed on my behalf once she learned that my mother would be released on parole. The stay-away order had no end date, but the terms of her parole barred her from contacting me. I read it a few times, and swiped at a tear that trickled down my cheek.

  I knew she would eventually be released, that thirty years was a lofty sentence to expect, but all of it still came tumbling down on me. For what she did to me, she was awarded freedom to live the rest of her life, while I had to live the rest of mine bearing the burden of her actions. I tucked my phone in the pocket of the fluffy Sherpa robe, and turned my attention back to the news.

  Rebecca checked on me often, and I let her dote. I must've fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes to the delicate caresses on my leg, Sam crouched in front of me, a warm smile curving her painted lips. She still wore her blue work scrubs, and clutched the purse on her shoulder.

  "Someone sent me a flower today," she whispered, then set down her bag. "Any idea who that could've been?"

  A smile tugged at my cheeks immediately, washing away the feelings of numbness that flattened my emotions. "Did you like it?"

  "I loved it, my sweet." She took my hands in hers. "I sent you a text, but Rebecca called me before I heard back from you."

  "I fell asleep. I'm really happy that you liked the sunflower." I reached for her and she pulled me into a hug that lifted me from my spot on the sofa. I latched on to her, burying my face against her neck when she turned to sit with me in her lap.

  "I'm sorry, honey," she whispered, her palm holding my head to her shoulder. "I know you're sad."

  "You make me feel better," I told her, confessing the truth. "It was inevitable, but I have you and my family."

  "Yes, you do." She pressed her lips to my forehead when I gathered my hands against her chest. "Tell me what you need, baby. What can I do?"

  "Just hold me like you are. Eat cookies and cake with me," I said, smiling a little with it.

  "I'm all for holding you while eating cookies and cake." She chuckled and brushed her lips over my knuckles. "I'm off until Monday."

  "I think I might call out again tomorrow or work from home." I toyed with the hem of her scrub top near her clavicle.

  "Good. Call out Friday, too. We can spend the next four days lost in lust and junk food. Speaking of, when do we start on the cookies and cakes?" she said, offering me a sugary smile.

  "I like that plan. And how about right now?" I lifted one of the cookies Rebecca made from the plate beside the sofa and held it between us. Sam laughed as we took a bite together.

  "Wow." She licked her lips and her brows lifted. "Why is this so good?"

  "Rebecca's recipe. She puts magic in the chocolate chips." I snickered then held the cookie to her for another bite. She accepted with a grin.

  "This is new," she said, glancing toward the entryway. "And at your parents' house. You remember that I'm kinky when you're naughty, right?"

  I laughed and nodded while squeezing her with my thighs. "Yes."

  "And you need a distraction, baby, don't you?" She tucked my hair behind my ears and I nodded again. "I can tell."

  I leaned into her touch and rested my forehead against hers after we finished the last bites of the cookie. We grew quiet and doted on each other with soft touches and nuzzles. Our breath calmed and synced in a manner that brought me solace. My insides cooled, and I allowed myself to relax in her arms. When we spent time together, everything else seemed less painful and overwhelming.

  Sam broke the quiet when she said, "I loved that you've sent me flowers twice now, Rosie. It's been a decade since anyone cared to do such things for me."

  "You deserve lovely things every day," I said, and she caught me in a swift kiss after.

  Our delicate make out session continued, with Sam's caution at an all-time high. She kept ending our kisses to glancing toward the entryway, and when Rebecca swept in, Sam broke our connection with her body tensing.

  "Okay, lovebirds. Dinner is ready," she said, clapping her hands once. "It's just us girls until Steve gets home. Jay's in class."

  "Thanks for cooking for us, Rebecca," I said as I stood from Sam's lap. I slipped out of the floppy robe and left myself in baggy sweats. Sam took my hand and gave it a squeeze before we followed Rebecca, the two of them sharing a knowing smile. What they knew, however, was lost to me.

  "Always, sweet girl." Rebecca smooched my cheek before ushering us to the table filled with her best Italian cooking, which also happened to be my favorite.

  "Wow." Sam's eyes widened when she observed the spread. "Rosie, can we come here whenever you have a bad day?"

  I laughed hard and hugged her around the middle. "I think we could plan for that."

  Rebecca's grin broadened as we sat together, and tucked into a dinner meant for royalty.

  ***

  I peeked my eyes open when the sun streamed into Sam's bedroom window. She wasn't in bed beside me, and I stretched my legs out into the cool sheets. My mind wandered to the events of yesterday and the knowledge that soon my mother would walk the streets again. An order of protection, as a piece of paper, couldn't stop her from doing anything. She would have consequences, but it held no power over her will. Even so, as a free citizen, she had the right to be in the community, to shop, eat, whatever. I could run into her at any time. Just the thought of it made me never want to step foot in a store again.

  Sam wandered back into the bedroom, her quiet steps cautious as she gripped the towel wrapped around her. Wet hair dripped down her back as she opened her closet door to step inside. I couldn't help smiling at her, knowing she hadn't discovered my consciousness, and watched as she went about her usual routine. When I rolled to my side, the welted flesh of my rear stung and it sent a shiver of delight up my spine. I loved when she spanked me, that was no longer a secret, and sometimes I wished that I healed faster so she could do it more often. Skin had limits, and the fine line between pleasure and pain proved to be rather delicate.

  When she emerged from the closet, jeans and a long-sleeve sweater draped over her arm, I noted that her expression appeared drawn and tense. She set everything down on the footlocker bench at the edge of the bed before drawing her attention to me. The corner of her mouth twitched and she broke into a smile.

  "Hi, my sweet," she crooned, taking a seat on the bed by my hip.

  "Hi, baby. What time is it?"

  "Around nine."

  "You're up early," I said, stifling a yawn. She nodded, but didn't say anything as she stroked my legs on top of the blanket. "You're seeing your mom today."

  "Yeah."

  "I'm coming with you, Sam. Don't argue with me about it. Even if I just sit in the car, I don't care. You've supported me through everything and I want to be there for you."

  "No, Rosie. I want you to stay here a
nd wait for me to come back." She shook her head and I sat up so that we faced each other properly.

  "No. I'm coming with you." I took her hand in mine and she gave me a squeeze. "Please?"

  She shook her head, her gaze dropping to the space between us.

  "Sam...look at me," I implored. It took her a second but she obliged. "Let me. I can handle it. I'll do whatever you want me to do, and say what you want me to say. Just let me be with you."

  She dragged her thumb over my knuckles a few times, though her silence remained. "Even if I say you're my girlfriend, she'll call you my friend."

  "I can handle it."

  "If any other family members are there…"

  "I don't care. I understand intolerant people, Sami. I do. At least you won't be alone. Okay?"

  "My uncle is the worst of them all. Everyone else turns a blind eye or ignores me, but he's cruel." Her warnings continued and I brought her hand to my lips.

  "I understand, okay?"

  Her lips pursed and she stared out the window for a moment. "I'm giving in to you."

  "I know. Is it difficult?"

  "Yes." She drew a deep breath before looking back to me. "Not all Muslim women wear hijab. I do because it shuts my mother up and the family."

  "I'll do what I need to, Sami. To be a support for you." I hugged her hand to my chest.

  "I'm going to regret letting you win this," she said, stroking a single finger down my cheek before standing. "I know I am."

  "Did you ever let Marita win?" I slid from the bed and tugged one of her robes around me.

  "No."

  "Anyone?"

  "No." Again, her lips pursed and she began to dress.

  "Then why me?"

  "Because you're persistent and I have a difficult time denying you anything."

  "Why?" I smiled at her from over my shoulder and she tossed me a playful glare. I snickered as I leaned against the bedroom door. "I love you, too."

  She made to swat me with her sweater, and I squeaked before bustling off down the hall toward the bathroom.

  Sam didn't advise me on how to dress, so I followed her lead and chose a pair of jeans and a long-sleeve button-down shirt from my overnight bag. I understood enough about the Muslim faith to know that modesty was important. Anything to make today less painful for Sam, I would do it. Despite getting what I wanted, it didn't mean that my anxiety cooled at all. My heart pounded, and I wrung my hands together in the car on the way to Sam's mother's home.