Nocere

by Max Ellendale

  Sam didn't say a word the entire ride back to her place. I couldn't stop crying and her silence told me she wasn't any better off. She paced by the front door after locking up and I dropped down on the sofa after snatching a tissue from the table. She turned to me, her eyes as wild as her emotions.

  "Are you okay?" she asked, her voice hoarse.

  "I'm so sad for you right now," I blurted out and choked on a sob. "I'm so angry."

  She came to sit beside me, though the way she roughly massaged her thighs told me she was in the midst of a panic attack again.

  "Are you okay?"

  She shook her head, then buried her face in her hands. A soft sob left her and I moved closer to her, though she started when my body pressed against her.

  "Look at me, baby. Sami. Look at me." I called to her and eventually she did. "Breathe together with me like before. Anita makes me breathe with her."

  "Your breathing is worse than mine," she said, sobbing and smirking at the same time. It made me chuckle. "Sit in my lap?"

  "Okay." I stood to reposition myself, then straddled her lap like she asked. The moment we connected in that way, she appeared to calm down. Her hands wandered over me, tracing the curves of my sides and hips until she urged my sweater over my head. I let her do whatever the hell she wanted and leaned down to brush my lips against hers.

  "What's our safe word?" she asked, her voice a raspy croon.

  "Snowman." I gasped when she grabbed my breasts and closed the space between us.

  In a heartbeat, she had me on my back and we tore at each other's clothes. Never in my life had I cried during sex and tonight broke that notion. Both of us, a mess of tears, hurt, and pleasure as we rocked together on the sofa. We twisted in a breathy, heated round of fucking tangled later with strands of lovemaking.

  Sam sucked in her breath as she came, her body curling against me instead of arching in bliss like usual. When she calmed down, she buried her face in the pillows beside my shoulder and I wrapped her in a hug. We gasped for breath, calming down together while my legs writhed against hers from the adrenaline and messy emotions.

  Eventually, we turned on our sides to face each other, and I draped my leg over her hip. She placed soft kisses on my eyelids, nose, and forehead while I kissed her fingers. When I opened my eyes, tears continued to stream her cheeks, though she didn't make a sound. I thumbed away the dampness, then kissed her carefully.

  "I'm sorry about today." She sniffled then dropped her head on the pillow beside mine.

  "Is it always like that?"

  She nodded and her gaze flickered over my shoulder.

  "You believe what he says to you, don't you?" I focused on my breathing to keep myself calm so that I could be there for her. She was the one in pain right now, and my own emotions needed to keep themselves together. I wanted more than anything to be a sounding board for her. No one in my life trusted me to talk things over with, because they worried I would get upset. I didn't want that same dynamic with Sam.

  "Sometimes. It's hard not to."

  "Do you believe that you deserved what happened to you, baby?" I continued to stroke my thumbs over her cheeks.

  "Logically, no. Sometimes it feels like it, though." She placed her hand on my naked stomach and rubbed me in slow circles. "You're so beautiful, Rosie. Physically and emotionally."

  "You know something, Sami?" I nudged her chin up so that she'd meet my gaze again. "So are you. And you have a beautiful heart that you keep tucked away so it doesn't get hurt any more than it already has."

  She watched me, her gaze fixed on mine as she listened to me speak her truths.

  "It's hidden behind a tough exterior. A sharp dominance, a bitch label, but the truth is, you're none of those things. There's a part of you that doesn't want to be in charge or a bitch. There's a soft, tender part of you that wants to melt into love and safety. Know how I know that?"

  She shook her head, and drew circles around my navel with her nail. My stomach flip-flopped and it sent a sharp burn of reignited arousal to my core.

  "Because sometimes you let me love you and keep you safe. But only until you catch yourself, and then you button back up again." I poked her bottom lip and she kissed my finger. "Truth?"

  "Maybe." She shrugged, then placed her hand on my chest between my breasts. "I want to keep you safe, my sweet."

  "You do, honey. Every day." I smiled and noted how the tension in her midsection released for a moment. "I heard what you said to your mom today. Calling me someone you love. Even through all of that, it made me happy to hear you say it."

  "You know how I feel about you…"

  "I do. And I'll be so happy when you can look at me and tell me. When you're ready," I told her, as I had before. She nodded and pulled me to her in a tight hug.

  "Can I tell you something that you might not want to hear?" I stroked her arms and she shook her head.

  "No. I don't want to hear what I don't want to hear."

  I laughed softly and she smiled against my neck. "I'm going to tell you anyway."

  "Fine. But if I don't like it, I'm putting you over my knee and turning your already-pink rump a darker shade." She leaned back to scowl at me.

  "That's not even a threat." I swatted her hip and she smirked. "Okay. Ready?"

  She nodded and every inch of her tensed again.

  "Sami, your mom was wonderfully kind to us. And she seemed welcoming to me and accepting of our relationship before your uncle got there. I also expected a wrinkly old woman ready to beat us with a cultural switch or something. Was she acting like her usual self today?"

  "Yeah… she was normal. What are you saying?"

  "I'm saying that your mom doesn't seem to have an issue with you being gay, Sam. She wasn't wearing hijab either. I was super confused and expected something very different."

  Her eyes searched my face as if waiting for me to elaborate. "What do you mean?"

  "What I'm trying to say, is that I think that visiting your mother is a trauma trigger for you and the entire time that you're there, you're living in fear. How you feel about your mom has less to do with how she actually treats you and more to do with the emotions you experience while you're there. And your uncle showing up reinforces all the distorted scripts that trauma plays in our brains." I took a deep breath after, waiting for the backlash of disclosing my observation.

  Sam didn't say anything, she just stared at me with her shimmering hazel eyes that stole portions of my soul.

  "When I was little, and in the clutches of the men my mom sold me to, I would close my eyes and hope that she would come rescue me. That my mom would burst through the door and sweep me in her arms. She'd hold me and apologize and take me home to my own warm bed." I drew in a deep breath before continuing. "I didn't have a warm bed, Sam. And my mom was never going to do that."

  "Rebecca saved you," she said, as she blinked away the thick tears that fell from her lashes.

  "She did. She scooped me up and never let me go. It didn't undo what happened to me, but it made it better to know someone cared about me," I said, then gave her a tight squeeze. "I care about you. Let me scoop you up."

  She dropped her head back down on the pillow, but her gaze never left mine. "You sound like Marita."

  "Well, good thing. I learned it all from her girlfriend." I scrunched up my nose and she chuckled.

  "I do love you, Rosie," she said, her confession leaving her in a single breath. My heart double-thumped in my chest and I smiled.

  "I know, Sam. I love you, too." I brushed my lips against hers and she kissed me, her tongue poking between my lips as she rolled me on to my back again. "Are you distracting me from things you don't want to hear?"

  "That obvious?" She smirked and I gave both of her nipple piercings a twist.

  "Yes."

  She bit her bottom lip and wiggled her way to lie between my legs. "Is it working?"

  "Nope. Don't make me invoke the power word." I wagged my brows and she laughed.

 
; "Rosie, no misusing the safe word." She wiggled against me and I laughed. "For as much as I adore hearing you talk so openly, my sweet, I don't think I can process anymore today."

  "I understand that." I traced the curves of her collarbone. "Want to misuse your jacuzzi tub together?"

  Sam chuckled and nodded before rolling off me. "C'mon. I've got some delicious edible bath oils to try as well."

  "So naughty." I squeaked and held tightly to her as she tugged me off to the bathroom.

  ***

  Sam and I spent most of the week in varied degrees of nakedness, with breaks for sustenance in between. In the days we spent together, we ordered takeout at least three times. By the time Saturday morning rolled around, however, the emotions of the week finally seemed to catch up to both of us. So much so that we both slept in until almost noon.

  I turned over to find Sam with the pillow over her head while she curled up in a fetal position to sleep. I imagined that she often slept like this at work to drown out the noises of the hospital. I snuck under the pillow with her and kissed her nose. She smiled, but didn't open her eyes right away.

  A rumbling from beside the bed startled me and I tugged the blanket tighter. "I think your phone is going off, honey."

  "Argh," she grumbled, and reached blindly behind her to grab it. She brought it under the pillow with us and Stella's name flashed across the screen.

  "What'd she say?"

  "Something about Jordan's party tonight." She dropped the phone in the sheets. "Not going."

  "No arguments. I'm supposed to see Anita today because of all the stress."

  "I'll take you." Sam draped her arm over my middle and pulled me closer to her. I snuggled against her and she stroked my thigh from hip to knee. "Do you think I'm damaged?"

  "A little. Do you think I'm damaged?" I brushed my lips over her chin.

  "A little. You know, every day I go to work and I hold the fragile lives of people in my hands. I watch over them while they're most vulnerable." She met my gaze and I listened to the confessional that made it to her lips. "I see Stella in her emergency department hopping on top of gurneys, her hands wrist-deep in thoracic cavities. She saves a lot of people."

  "A lot of people need saving," I said, my voice softer than intended.

  "Primum non nocere," she said, her voice quieting for a moment.

  "I wish the whole world lived by the do no harm motto. Sometimes it's like the world exists because of nocere."

  "Harm," she said thoughtfully, then faded to quiet for a few minutes. "You were right last night about what you said." She used the tip of her finger to trace my lips.

  "What did I say?"

  "That I have some sort of wish for my mom to save me. Like you did." She let out a soft sigh and pushed the pillow off our heads. "How could she when she didn't know what happened? And still doesn't."

  "Even then, baby, like Stella, the people she saves, bad things have already happened. She comes in afterward to fix up their wounds and their bodies. Rebecca came for me afterward, too." I placed my palm against her cheek and she kissed my thumb.

  "I know." An exhale left her and she rolled on to her back. "All these years, I never thought about any of this. I could push it aside. Work. Whatever. And now, I can't stop thinking about it. It takes over everything."

  "It was probably always there, Sami. Except now you can't block it out as easily."

  "It's your fault for making me feel things." She lifted her chin and a thick, ripe pout curved her lips. It made me chuckle and I kissed it right off her face.

  "Well then, you can spank me for it, but I, for one, have no regrets for making you feel things."

  "And you sent me flowers. And made me love you." She let out a dramatic sigh. "I think that punishment calls for more than just a flogging."

  I laughed at her silliness and she tickled my stomach. "Sam!"

  "Naughty little fairy." She rolled on top of me and nibbled me all over my face and neck. "With purple socks."

  I cracked up under her intense affections, and nearly fainted from delight when she pinned my arms above my head. She straddled my hips and her overheated core pressed against my pelvis. She smiled down at me, a surge of life returning to her. Her hair tumbled over her shoulders and tickled my face like a graceful brush of wind. I laced my fingers with hers and she squeezed my hands.

  "Tell me what you want me to do to you," she demanded, her voice a husky drawl.

  Heavy breaths left me as I writhed under her, my mind swirling with lust-driven possibilities. "Remember...remember the first time you sat over me?"

  "I remember coming really hard." She grinned and flicked her tongue over my lips.

  "I want you to do that to me again." A quiver raced up my center, and sent a warm rush between my thighs. "With your clit on my lips."

  "I'm wrong about so many things, my sweet. But one thing I was right about was that you're a kinky little bottom."

  "You're a kinky top." I released her hands and gripped her hips. "Sit on me before I come without tasting you."

  "Rosie." She laughed and gave my hip a swat. "Very naughty. Just for that, I'm going to make you wait." She bit her bottom lip before climbing off me.

  "Sam!" I sucked in my breath and stifled a whine. My hand wandered down my center where the removal of her body heat left me feeling cold.

  "No you don't," she said, swatting my hand when I neared my aching clit. "No touching. Tsk Tsk. You have to wait."

  "Sami." Now it was my turn to pout as she climbed off the bed.

  In all her naked glory, with her hands on her hips, and perky nipples silhouetted in the morning light from the window, she tossed a cocky eyebrow at me from over her shoulder.

  "C'mon, little fairy. Time to shower before we head out for the day. Don't break the rules. No touching." She wiggled her index finger at me in a come-hither motion and I whimpered as I rolled out of bed to follow her.

  Sam kept me strung up, so to speak, all day. With gentle teases and playful touches, hugs from behind and kissing my neck whenever she stole a second. By the time we made it to Olympia, I couldn't wipe the smile from my face.

  "Ever go to therapy with damp panties before?" teased Sam, and I swatted her arm when she held her elbow to me on the way to Anita's office.

  "I can't believe you made me wait."

  "I told you a spanking wasn't going to suffice." She smooched my cheek, then held the door open for me.

  "Does she normally see patients this late on Saturdays?"

  "I'm not sure. There's no one usually around when I'm here except the receptionist. Sometimes not even her."

  Sam took a seat in the waiting room while I signed in with the reception desk. "Hi, Josey."

  "Hey, kiddo. How goes it?" She smiled when she accepted my credit card to run.

  "Can't complain."

  "Are you kidding me?" I heard Sam say from behind me.

  I turned around to see Nora standing in the doorway of the office beside Anita's. She wore a pencil skirt, white blouse, and power heels that made her appear much more like a force to be reckoned with rather than the woman I remembered naked and begging for release. My mouth fell open and I stared.

  "You work with Anita?" asked Sam, the two of them facing each other now.

  "Yeah, Sami. What are you doing here?" Nora's brow furrowed, and she did a double-take when she saw me. "Hi, Rosie."

  "Hi." Memories of Jordan's teasing scurried to the surface and I remembered my slight annoyance over Nora spilling our business in the salon.

  An awkward pause followed and Josie handed me back my credit card. I returned to Sam, and the three of us stood there for a moment before Nora pointed to her name etched in the gold plate on the wall between the two doors. Nora Brody, Ph.D. sat just below Anita Oliver, M.D.

  "I didn't know that was you," I said, leaning in to Sam as the weight of the situation crashed down on me.

  "You see Anita?" she asked me and I nodded. "Oh boy." Nora smirked and folded her arms
over her middle before returning her gaze to Sam. "Did you know this?"

  "Not until a few weeks ago." Sam's brows lifted when she said, "I don't think I ever knew your last name."

  "Very funny, Sami. You've spent enough time staring at my pus—"

  "What's going on out here?" Anita interrupted when she bustled through the front doors, her purse hanging off her arm and her hair slightly wind-swept. "Nora?"

  "Oh, Neets," Nora said, her voice a terrible sing-song. "We have a big problem."

  Anita held up her hand, shaking her head at her before pointing to her office door. "Inside. Everyone."

  Her scolding tone scared me and I gulped as I looked at Sam. Her eyes, wide with a tangle of what seemed to be amusement and horror, met mine.

  "Why am I in trouble?" Nora frowned, but followed Anita into the office after she unlocked the door.

  Anita set her purse down on her desk and drew in a deep breath as if trying to compose herself. Nora sat in Anita's usual chair while Sam and I took the sofa. Anita cocked a brow at Nora when she joined us, then folded her arms over her middle.

  Nora surrendered immediately, holding her hands palm up before sliding over to the circular ottoman beside the sofa. When Anita sat, she crossed her legs and her eyes fell on me first.

  "Hi, Rosie."

  "Hi." I glanced around the room at the women. "I'm upset with Nora."

  "What? Why?" Nora folded her arms and frowned. "I feel personally attacked by this whole situation."

  "Because you told Jordan about Samirah's business and thereby told them of my business and she used it to tease me." I mimicked her posture and crossed my arms over my middle. "I don't appreciate that."

  Nora made to answer me back, but Anita intervened, "Nora, did you say something to Jordan?"

  "I did not say anything to Jordan about Rosie."

  "Maybe not, but you told Jordan that you did a scene with Samirah and her girlfriend and that wasn't fair. You're not supposed to say anything." The heat rose in my face as I could hardly control the secrets flying out of my mouth. My heart pounded and tears pricked my eyelids. "You're not supposed to tell people Sam's business."

  "Jordan shouldn't have said anything either," retorted Nora, though she had no heat behind it. Her gaze continued to flicker toward Sam and the moment they locked eyes, Nora slouched slightly.