The Family Secret

by Tracy Buchanan

  ‘I sleep in tents on shoots,’ I explained to Cole. ‘So when I get the chance to sleep in a proper bed, especially one as comfortable as the one I slept in last night, nothing wakes me, not even your gorgeous son,’ I added, smiling at little Alfie. He stuck his tongue out in response as everyone laughed.

  ‘Come, sit,’ Heather said again.

  ‘Thanks, but I thought I might do some filming in the mountains and leave you all in peace to celebrate your Christmas Day together.’

  They all let out protests, clucking and shaking their heads. Dylan stayed silent though, his eyes still in mine.

  ‘It’s Christmas Day!’ Oscar said, looking almost wounded.

  ‘I know,’ I said as kindly as I could. ‘But remember, for me, it’s just another day.’

  ‘Just another day,’ a voice said from behind me. I turned to see Mairi standing in the doorway with a large oval platter of scones. ‘It is most certainly not just another day,’ she said, walking towards the table and laying the platter in the middle of the table. ‘Did you know Christmas was banned in Scotland until the 1950s by the Presbyterian church? That makes it even more precious. You must stay and eat with us, I insist.’

  I looked at Mairi then at Dylan, feeling my face flush. It all felt so awkward, especially as Dylan didn’t seem too bothered whether I stayed or went. As I thought that, he stood up, walked around the table to me and took my hand in his, oblivious to everyone’s stares.

  ‘Please stay, Gwyneth,’ he said softly. ‘Even if it’s just today. I promise I’ll get your car sorted. Stay, spend Christmas Day with us, then I can help you do some filming in the mountains tomorrow on Boxing Day. How does that sound?’

  Alison nodded enthusiastically. ‘We always go for a walk in the forest on Boxing Day anyway, it’s—’

  ‘Another family tradition,’ Glenn said, rolling his eyes. ‘Seriously though, Gwyneth, you should stay. We need help eating the feast Mum prepares for us.’

  I looked at each of them, dark and tall and beautiful, all smiling up at me from this huge table laden with the most delicious Christmas breakfast I’d ever seen. My tummy rumbled and I realised Dylan hadn’t yet let go of my hand.

  ‘So?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes,’ I said, unable to stop myself laughing. ‘If you insist,’ I added.

  Over the next hour, I tucked into breakfast, delicious stodgy scones and eggs, piles of pancakes and a huge juicy salmon which smelt amazing but I was resolute enough in my vegetarianism not to touch. Every now and again, I caught Dylan’s eye and we’d smile at each other. I wanted to kiss him again, feel his huge arms around mine. I wanted more than that too. I think he felt the same, the desire clear on his face.

  After breakfast, we all went into the living room to open presents. Alfie was unbelievably excited, running around and screaming as everyone laughed. I felt awkward again, seeing the huge piles of beautifully wrapped presents beneath the tree. I had nothing to give and nothing to receive. I started backing out of the room, hoping to be able to go back to the bedroom unnoticed. But no luck – Dylan spotted me and beckoned for me to join him by the fire. I sat down beside him and he discreetly passed me something wrapped in silver tissue paper.

  ‘What’s this?’ I asked.

  ‘A gift.’

  I looked up at him in surprise. ‘But I don’t have anything for you, for anyone! And how did you get this so quickly?’

  ‘I made it in the night. Open it.’

  I bit my lip and unwrapped the thin paper to reveal a tiny bird whittled from wood. I turned it around in my hands, taking in its plump belly and layered wings. ‘A ptarmigan,’ I whispered.

  He nodded.

  ‘It’s beautiful, thank you.’ I so wanted to kiss him then, but was aware of his family around us. He stood up, putting his hand out to me. ‘Come with me,’ he said, as though reading my mind.

  I stood with him and followed him out across the hallway to another room. He pushed the doors open to reveal a library, three of its walls lined with books, a large window at the back draped with thick curtains still closed. He drew me in, quickly closed the door behind him and pulled me close. ‘I’ve wanted to do this all morning.’

  Then he pressed his lips against mine. I reached up, tangling my fingers in his thick brown hair, feeling the bristles of his beard against my lips. His large hands glided under my jumper and up my back, warm against my cool skin. I moaned and pressed myself against him, moving my lips against his. He stumbled backwards towards a large leather sofa and we fell over its back together, Dylan gently pulling me on top of him as we laughed. We were hidden from the view of anyone walking in and as I lay on top of Dylan feeling his strong chest beneath mine, his heart thumping through his thick green jumper, I felt like I could just undress right there and then. But we eventually pulled away from each other, then placed our foreheads together and smiled into each other’s eyes.

  ‘This is madness,’ I said. ‘I barely know you.’

  ‘What does it matter?’ he murmured. ‘We like each other. And anyway, you’ve met my folks already, my whole family. Shall we set the date for the wedding next week?’ he joked.

  ‘Sounds perfect,’ I joked back.

  ‘Seriously though,’ he said, sweeping my blonde fringe from my eyes. ‘What do we do about us? I mean, it feels to me like you want to get out of this place as soon as you get the chance.’

  ‘Oh no, it’s not like that. It’s lovely here. I just feel like I’m imposing.’

  ‘I told you my family loves guests,’ he said, leaning on his fist as he looked at me. ‘Remember those candles in the windows? I swear my mother’s been waiting for ever for a nighttime wanderer to turn up, seeking shelter. And now here you are.’

  ‘Like Mary and the baby Jesus.’

  He looked down at my belly in mock surprise. ‘It happens with a kiss?’

  I laughed. ‘Seriously though, this is a family celebration. And I do have work to do.’

  He shrugged. ‘Fine. Do your work. Think of this place like a hotel with incredibly over-enthusiastic and annoying guests in it.’ His face grew serious. ‘I’m serious, Gwyneth. My mother might seem a bit stern sometimes, it’s just her way. But she’s really enjoying having a guest here … and she likes you, I can tell.’

  I gave him an incredulous look. ‘Really?’

  ‘Trust me, you’d be freezing your arse off walking to Glasgow in the snow by now if she didn’t. So stop banging on about imposing and just enjoy it for what it is: the chance to eat good food and drink good wine while filming beautiful animals and kissing a strapping Scottish man.’

  I laughed and wrapped my arms around his neck, looking into his eyes. ‘Maybe you’re right.’

  ‘I know I am.’

  ‘Now, about the kissing the strapping Scottish man bit, I don’t think we’ve done enough of that.’

  He leant down and kissed me, softer now, and I wrapped my fingers around the gift he’d given me, my heart soaring.

  The rest of that day was idyllic. It really was. The lodge was so beautiful with its festive Christmas decorations and cinnamon and spice scents. The food supply was endless, especially Christmas dinner with the huge turkey, crunchy crumbling roast potatoes and an assortment of homemade sides and sauces, not to mention the non-stop supply of expensive wine. The company was great too, each person offering something interesting, from Alison with her stories of travelling the world and learning to become a meditation teacher, to Glenn who regaled me with the story of how he once accidentally tripped over Judy Blume at an event. He also talked about his boyfriend, who was due to join us the next day.

  Cole was very serious, but after a few drinks he seemed to loosen up as he had the night before, sharing funny stories from their childhood as he hugged his son close. Rhonda watched her husband with adoration; they were so clearly in love. And then Heather. Despite what had occurred the night before, she seemed fine now, chattering away and asking me to show her my camera. Maybe it was just teenage angst
? She genuinely seemed interested in filming as a career and I got an insight into how it must have been for Reg when he first met me, dealing with an over-enthusiastic young girl.

  Oscar was as charming as ever and Mairi, though stern and serious sometimes, also radiated warmth in chosen moments the more she drank, even giving me a quick hug after I told them all about a time I saved a baby polar bear while filming in Alaska. ‘Kindness to nature is the touch of an angel’s hand, that’s what my mother used to say,’ she said.

  Later, as I helped Mairi wash up, she told me about her childhood.

  ‘I was out there a lot,’ she said, dark eyes on the forest and mountains before us. ‘Feral, really. Scrubbing about in the leaves and the mud.’ She smiled to herself. ‘I loved it. Dylan is very much the same, likes to be outdoors. I think that’s why he’s so good with wood. Did he tell you a house he built in Iceland won an award?’

  ‘He didn’t.’

  ‘It’s very beautiful, set on flat plains of icy land with views that stretch for miles. Oscar took me there once to see it. I was so proud of my boy, he’d even done little carvings on the wooden walls, little personalised touches. The client was delighted with it.’

  ‘Dylan’s clearly very talented.’

  ‘Yes, very.’

  ‘You said your parents own this land?’

  She nodded. ‘Goes back many generations. My clan, the Audhild clan, settled here in the seventeenth century. Seen through tragedy after tragedy, and the harshest of winters. But the land always remained solid, like the Audhild heart. My father used to say, “A strong land makes a strong family.”’ She peered behind her into the hallway, where Dylan and Cole were chasing a giggling Alfie around. She smiled. ‘We are a strong family,’ she said, nodding to herself. She turned back to me and looked me in the eye. ‘Family is everything.’

  ‘For some,’ I replied. ‘For others, we get by quite fine without.’

  She tilted her head, examining my face. ‘Do you really?’

  I held her gaze. ‘I really do.’

  ‘I believe you. But I pity you too.’

  I gave her a look. I hated the idea of people pitying me. ‘Why on earth would you pity me? Sure, I don’t have parents, a big family like yours,’ I said, sweeping my hands towards the fun and laughter in the hallway. Bubbles from the sink flung onto the floor but I ignored them. ‘But I really am happy. You don’t need to be surrounded by people to feel content. I know that’s hard for you to understand, but it’s true.’

  She continued watching me, not saying anything. I turned away, scrubbing at a plate. ‘Take the snowy owl, for example,’ I continued. ‘They prefer their own company. You rarely see them with other owls. We tracked one in Canada. I filmed it every day, every night too sometimes. And the calmness it exuded, the quiet contentment. I’ve never seen an animal so right in its own skin.’

  ‘Maybe you have a point,’ Mairi said. ‘But they breed, no?’

  ‘Sure,’ I said with a shrug. ‘They come together for the mating season.’

  ‘And will aggressively defend their nests, I read once?’

  I smiled. ‘In Reg’s book?’

  ‘I may have dipped in. I’m right though, aren’t I?’

  ‘They’re very territorial and protective of their young,’ I replied, nodding.

  ‘That’s family, isn’t it?’

  ‘It’s science. An instinct to continue their lineage. It’s the same for humans.’

  Mairi took a plate from me and dried it. ‘You’re calling parental love scientific?’

  I laughed. ‘Of course! Our children need us for a long time to simply survive. This is unusual in the animal world. Most animals become independent very quickly. Some even come out of the womb walking!’ I said as one of the Labradors came over to lap up the bubbles on the floor. ‘The deep love humans feel for their children is purely biological, to keep the human race going.’

  Mairi shakes her head. ‘What rubbish!’

  I shrugged. ‘It’s true.’

  ‘When you become a parent, you’ll understand. It is not just biological.’ She looked out towards her sons as they ran around, faces fierce. ‘Our capacity to forgive a child is an example of that, no matter what they have done.’

  ‘Not in my experience,’ I mumbled.

  ‘Really?’

  ‘So what did Dylan do that needed forgiving?’ I asked, diverting the attention from me.

  ‘He was a terror as a teenager. Alcohol. Wild parties in the lodge when we went away. One time, one of the equally wild kids he let into the house stole some jewellery that was very precious to me.’ She fixed her gaze on Dylan, love filling her eyes. ‘But I forgave Dylan and he got better after that. I think he realised he’d taken it all a step too far. He turned back to the friend who had kept him good and stable, and he made up for it.’ Mairi looked out to the loch, brow furrowing. Then she shook her head. ‘Bah, listen to us, all serious on Christmas Day. I like you, you know,’ she said with determination. ‘You are strong and beautiful and brave. You know your mind. We might not agree, but I like that. And you are very good at washing up.’

  I laughed.

  ‘Right,’ she said, picking her wine up with a flourish. ‘Let’s go play games.’

  The rest of the evening descended into several blurry wine-sodden hours of laughter, boardgame-playing, hearty debates and the sound of my hammering heart in my ears every time Dylan looked my way. When people started going to bed, I was desperate to find some alone time with Dylan. But it was too awkward, each of us ascending the stairs, our two rooms at opposite ends of the hallway. I lay awake some of the night, waiting for a gentle tap on the door, the presence of Dylan in my room. But there was no knock.

  The next day, Boxing Day, we woke early. We had another fine breakfast then everyone got their winter gear on to head up into the mountains. As we waited, I showed Heather how to use the camera, giving her some tips. Maybe we’d be able to use some of her footage in the documentary? The thought made me smile, to do something like that for her, just as Reg had helped me.

  When we headed out, the skies were bright blue, the winter sun making the snow around us sparkle. As I looked towards the loch, I let out a gasp. The ‘ice pancakes’ that had dominated it the day before had now formed into chunks of jagged ice, ridges piled on top of each other.

  ‘That’s stunning,’ I said, hoisting my camera onto my shoulder and filming it. A bird swooped over it and I followed its descent as it landed on one of the jagged shards. I filmed it for a while then followed the others towards the forest at the back of the house. It was a small forest, more a copse. But the trees within it were tall and snow-laden, adding to the festive feel. We tramped through it, Oscar’s two dogs shooting off into the vast white.

  Rhonda fell into step beside me. ‘You and Dylan seem to be getting close,’ she said.

  I smiled. ‘I thought we were being rather clandestine.’

  ‘You think Cole didn’t sneak me off to the library during past Christmases?’ We both laughed. ‘You can’t go far wrong with a McClusky man. Strong, hard-working and great in bed.’ I felt a flush spread across my cheeks and she laughed. ‘Well, I’m assuming Dylan will be anyway if he’s like his brother,’ she added with a wink.

  ‘We haven’t got quite that far,’ I said, smiling at how open she was being.

  ‘That surprises me actually. Dylan doesn’t usually waste any time.’

  I tried to keep my face neutral as I stared up at the trees. ‘Really?’

  She nodded. ‘He dated a friend of mine once, met her while visiting Cole at university. Was years ago. Swept her completely off her feet, they were at it day and night within twenty-four hours of meeting.’

  ‘Bit of a ladies’ man then?’ I asked, doing my best to avoid irritation creeping into my voice.

  She thought about it. ‘No, not a ladies’ man per se. More a very passionate man who knows what he wants. Ended in tears, of course. As it always does when Dylan’s involved.’<
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  ‘What happened?’

  Rhonda sighed, pulling a leather glove off and stretching her petite body up to reach for a pinecone. ‘Dylan was staying for a couple of weeks. My friend gave him her number, her address, assumed they’d keep in touch. But she didn’t hear anything from him. She was gutted.’

  I watched Dylan as he walked ahead of us with his brothers, deep in conversation. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. But then what did I expect after I left? A long-term relationship? I laughed at myself. As if that ever had a chance. No, this was fun, a holiday romance. Surely I knew that from the start?

  Then why did I feel so disappointed?

  Rhonda followed my gaze and leant in close to me. ‘But maybe you’ll be different,’ she whispered. ‘I have a feeling you might be.’ Her little boy came running up to her and she swept him up in her arms, swinging him around. ‘Who knows, maybe you’ll have one of these little munchkins with Dylan one day and that’ll be the end of your lie-ins!’

  ‘Jesus, steady on,’ I said.

  Mairi walked over to me and pointed upwards. ‘Look,’ she said in a low voice. I followed her gaze to see a snowy owl perched on the tree above us, partly hidden by the leaves and snow. She contemplated us with her blinking eyes.

  I lifted my camera in excitement. ‘What a coincidence.’

  ‘Quite,’ Mairi replied. She put her finger to her mouth and gestured for the others to be quiet. I beckoned Heather over and crouched down. ‘Just stay still and quiet,’ I whispered as I placed the camera on her shoulder, showing her how to use it. Her eyes lit up as she did as I asked.

  Everyone watched in awe as we filmed the snowy owl, the silence in the forest eerie. Then a branch cracked and the owl twitched its wings before flying off. I quickly helped Heather tip the camera up to film its ascent.

  ‘That’s a cut,’ I said, taking the camera off Heather’s shoulder and turning it off. ‘You’re a natural.’ Everyone clapped and I laughed. ‘Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever had a response like that before.’