The Family Secret

by Tracy Buchanan

  ‘Do you still see your dad?’

  Amber shakes her head vehemently. ‘He walked out when I was three months old. Mum never forgave him. And he’s never bothered to get in touch. No birthday or Christmas cards. Nothing. I don’t even know where he’s living.’

  ‘That sucks.’ Lumin goes quiet.

  ‘Yeah, I don’t get it,’ Amber continues. ‘When I had Katy—’ She pauses suddenly, the name having passed her lips before she could stop herself.

  ‘Katy?’

  ‘I had a daughter. She died.’

  ‘Oh God, I’m so sorry.’

  ‘It’s fine. It’s been ten years.’

  ‘What happened?’

  ‘Meningitis.’ Amber squeezes the steering wheel with her hand. ‘I don’t really fancy talking about it today.’

  ‘Fair enough.’ Lumin shoots Amber a concerned look then chews thoughtfully on her sweets. ‘I wonder if my parents even know I’m missing right now?’ She frowns slightly. ‘It’s strange no one’s come forward. Do you think they’re like your father, they just don’t know how to love?’

  ‘No,’ Amber says, shaking her head adamantly. ‘There will be a reason. They might be abroad. You might live in another country. Some people just don’t watch TV, read the papers. If you’re eighteen, maybe you’re at uni?’

  ‘But it’s Christmas soon. Surely if I am at uni, they’d be expecting me home?’

  Amber sighs. ‘True. But that gives us even more reason to be hopeful. Your family will definitely be wondering where you are if you have plans with them for Christmas.’

  Lumin peers out of the window at the soft falling snow. ‘Maybe.’ She’s silent and sullen for a few moments but then she turns back to Amber. ‘Does the snow remind you of what happened to your hand?’

  Amber tries to grasp at the memories from that day. She was so young, nearly five, so there are brief glimpses. She remembers the snow up to her shins. Air so cold it seemed to seep right beneath her skin. The horrible aching pain in the bones and sinews of her gloveless hand. Then after, the red and blue lights of the ambulance and the glaring white ceiling lights as she was stretchered down hospital corridors.

  ‘It’s hard to remember,’ Amber says. ‘I was at an age where memories haven’t quite formed yet. I just know what my mum told me.’

  ‘And what’s that?’

  Amber looks at the stumps on her left hand. ‘I was desperate to play in the snow but it was too cold and the flakes were coming down too heavy. But I didn’t care. I got out of the house somehow. Mum says I was a handful back then.’ Amber rolls her eyes. ‘I managed to get myself locked out. I didn’t realise it though, I was too busy running around and building a snowman.’ Her eyes flit over to Lumin then back to the road again. ‘I lost a glove in the process and I remember the pain of the cold was so bad, I started crying. But the snow had turned into a blizzard by then and I couldn’t find my way back. I was out there for over an hour before someone found me.’

  ‘Your mother didn’t notice for that long?’ Lumin asks. ‘Sorry,’ she quickly adds. ‘I’m not judging. I mean, what do I know?’

  ‘It’s fine,’ Amber says. ‘I’ve wondered the same, especially as my mum is such a good mum, you know? But then when I had Katy, I realised how exhausting it can be, how distracted you get with an endless pile of tasks.’ She gives a curt nod. ‘What happened happened.’

  ‘Have you asked your mum exactly what happened?’

  ‘She doesn’t really talk about it. I think it’s the guilt. But she was so busy with the gift shop then, my grandad had just died and she was having to run it with my aunt. Anyway, it’s my fault really. I shouldn’t have gone out when I was told not to.’

  ‘You were only four.’

  ‘Old enough,’ Amber says stiffly. ‘Anyway, it happened, nothing I can do about it now.’

  ‘How long were you in hospital?’

  ‘Few weeks. Mum said I coped pretty well. It’s when I started growing up it began to bother me more.’

  Lumin pops another sweet in her mouth. ‘How?’

  ‘I was teased a bit. Kids can be cruel. It knocked my confidence. The Caulfields have always been extroverts, so my mum and aunt tell me. Never described as shy. But I turned in on myself, didn’t make many friends.’ She shrugs. ‘Oh well, that was then.’

  ‘And now?’

  Amber looks down at her hand again. ‘It’s better now. People still stare but I guess I’ve grown used to it. It’s more the pain that bothers me, now during cold spells like this,’ she says, peering out at the frosty scenes around them. ‘Or when I’ve not rested enough. And the fact I can’t do things as quickly as I’d like.’

  ‘Maybe there’s some physiotherapy stuff you can do? We drove past that big physiotherapy centre earlier, looks pretty well kitted out.’

  ‘Maybe.’ Amber turns the volume up in her car. She doesn’t want to talk about her hand all day. ‘Oooh, I like this song.’

  As the two of them bop their heads up and down to the music, the car suddenly begins to shudder. She’s experienced this before, only a few weeks ago on a cold drive to the Midlands to pick up some goods. The car had stuttered in much the same way then too … and then came to a halting stop.

  ‘Is it okay?’ Lumin asks as the stuttering becomes more prominent.

  ‘Hopefully,’ Amber says with a tight smile, trying to reassure her. But Lumin doesn’t look convinced, especially when the car begins to slow right down.

  ‘Bugger.’ Amber steers it to the side of the road until it comes to a complete stop. She tries to start it again, but no luck. ‘No, no, no,’ Amber says, slamming her good fist into the dashboard. ‘I do not need this to happen.’

  ‘Maybe it just needs to rest.’

  Amber breathes in then out, trying to contain her frustration. ‘Maybe.’

  They sit quietly for a few moments and Amber tries turning the engine again. But still no luck. She pulls her phone out and notices the lack of reception bars. Then she opens the door. ‘Let’s take a look at the engine.’ They get out, head to the bonnet, pull it up and stare inside.

  ‘Know what any of this is?’ Amber asks Lumin.

  Lumin jiggles a wire. ‘Nope, not a clue.’

  A truck draws up then and a man sticks his head out. ‘Need help, ladies?’ There’s a younger man sitting in the passenger seat. He eyes Lumin hungrily.

  ‘My car’s broken down,’ Amber says with a sigh. ‘Don’t happen to be a mechanic, do you?’

  The man laughs a hearty laugh and jumps out. ‘Not officially, but let’s have a look.’

  The young man gets out too, smiling at Lumin. She smiles back, faintly, then turns away, the blue streaks in her hair vivid against the darkening skies.

  ‘I’m Tim. This is my son, Shane,’ the man says as he examines the engine.

  His son nods at Amber then turns his attention back to Lumin.

  ‘I’m Amber. This is Lumin. And we really need this car to work.’

  ‘Weird name, Lumin,’ the boy says.

  Lumin turns back to him, giving him a glassy stare.

  ‘It is though, isn’t it?’ the boy says. ‘Bit poncey,’ he adds with a laugh. Lumin and Amber exchange a look.

  ‘Charming,’ Amber says under her breath.

  The boy’s eyes narrow. Then he notices Amber’s hand. ‘Gross. What happened to your fingers?’

  Amber quickly shoves her hand into her pocket, her cheeks flushing. Yes, she knew people could be cruel. People could be stupid. Still, it didn’t stop it hurting.

  ‘You’re gross,’ Lumin hisses.

  The boy laughs. ‘Firecracker. I like it.’

  ‘That’s enough, Shane,’ his father says as he looks up from the bonnet. ‘I apologise for my son, he’s a bit of a caveman.’

  ‘Clearly,’ Lumin says, looking the boy up and down in disgust. The boy blushes and stomps back to the truck.

  ‘Nothing I can do for you, I’m afraid,’ his father says, wiping his hands on his
jeans. ‘You need to get this to a mechanic. I have a friend I can call?’

  ‘No thanks,’ Amber says quickly, not wanting to spend another minute in the company of the man’s son. ‘I have breakdown cover.’

  The man shakes his head. ‘That could take hours.’

  ‘We’re fine, really,’ Amber says, slamming the bonnet down.

  The man shrugs. ‘Fine. Just be careful, snow’s due to get heavier. There’s a B&B up the road on a farm, about a ten-minute walk that way,’ he says, pointing down the road. He gives Amber a kind smile then nods at Lumin. ‘Take care.’ Then he jumps in the truck and they drive off.

  Amber looks up at the snowy skies in exasperation. The man was right, it did look like it was going to really come down soon. It suddenly all dawns on Amber what a fool she’s been. ‘This was a mistake. I was bloody stupid to think I could do this.’

  Lumin touches her arm lightly. ‘Don’t be silly. Let’s walk to that hotel. Maybe we could hire a car to take us the rest of the way?’

  ‘With this?’ Amber says, waving her bad hand in the air. ‘I need a specialist car with specialist equipment. I should have thought how risky this was. Without this particular car, I’m screwed.’ She kicks the tyre in frustration and Lumin looks at her in surprise. People usually did when they caught a glimpse of the Caulfield temper in action. Jasper could see it brewing and would make himself scarce before Amber exploded. She takes some deep breaths, trying to calm herself. ‘Best thing we can do is get a taxi to the nearest station and get a train home.’

  Lumin rolls her eyes. ‘You give up too easily.’

  ‘You sound like Jasper,’ Amber replies, laughing bitterly. ‘Easy for you to say, you don’t have a gross hand like this. It kind of restricts your options.’

  ‘That kid really got to you, didn’t he? Your hand’s not gross, just different, and cretins like him don’t like different. What does it matter what a twat like him thinks anyway?’

  Amber crosses her arms, staring stubbornly up the road. ‘It’s not him, not really. It’s the car. I really was stupid dragging you out here.’ She goes to the boot and pulls her bag out. ‘Come on, let’s find this hotel then we can look at trains to get us back before the snow comes down really hard.’

  Lumin shakes her head incredulously. ‘You’re being ridiculous.’

  ‘There you go sounding like my ex again.’ Amber smiles, trying to lighten the mood. She feels a pinch of guilt. She is being ridiculous, she knows that. But something takes hold of her sometimes. This stubborn anger. Not at those around her, but at her and the foolishness that got her lumbered with a barely functioning hand in the first place. Amber wants to say that to Lumin but she can’t bring herself to. Instead, she hands her the bag she’d packed for her. Lumin pauses a moment then sighs before taking the bag and following Amber down the road.

  The hotel comes into view after a while, a white farmhouse against the backdrop of one of the Lake District’s distinctive mountains. As they draw closer, Amber can just about make out a sign through the snow falling around them: Snowdrop Farm.

  ‘Appropriate,’ Lumin murmurs, blinking up at the icy flurries. A B&B sign hangs in the glass door, ‘Vacancies’ in print beneath it. Amber presses the buzzer and there’s the noise of a dog barking. Then the door open and a woman appears, looking just like how Amber imagines a farmer’s wife would look: ruddy-cheeked and aproned, with smiling eyes.

  ‘Hi,’ Amber says. ‘We broke down up the road and wondered if we could borrow your phone or internet? I just want to figure out how to get the car towed and look at train times.’

  The woman laughs. ‘Train times, around here? Next one will be in the morning, love.’

  Amber bites the inside of her cheek in frustration.

  ‘Why don’t we stay the night?’ Lumin suggests. ‘It will give us time to figure out what’s next.’

  Amber sees the hopeful look in her eyes. Lumin is so desperate to get to Scotland. ‘Okay,’ Amber says. She turns to the woman. ‘Any singles or twins?’

  ‘One twin with gorgeous views,’ the woman replies.

  ‘Perfect,’ Amber says as they walk in, the snow falling heavier behind them.

  Amber stares out at the snowy mountains, the shimmer of an iced lake in the distance. She’s sitting on the window seat of their large twin room. The flowery decor is in need of updating and the carpet is worn in places. But it’s clean and homely and yes, the views are amazing. Even more amazing are the smells that come from the kitchen below as their dinner is prepared. When their host had heard of their plight, she’d insisted on including dinner in the price too.

  Amber looks over at Lumin, who’s bent over the room’s small desk, engrossed in her drawing. Next to her is the notepad that was found on her. ‘Can I look at this again?’ she asks Lumin, gesturing at it.

  Lumin peers up from her drawing. She looks tired, her skin pale. ‘Sure.’

  She hands the notepad to Amber and Amber settles back down on the window seat, flicking through it before coming to a stop on a page with ‘Arctic tern’ scrawled at the top. There’s a pretty drawing of a white and grey bird gracefully swooping towards a lake, its red beak open. Amber’s eyes glance over the bulleted notes from whoever the owner was.

  Arctic tern

  – Tenacious as hell

  – Longest known migration route (equal to a trip to the moon 3 times over!!!!!)

  – Will defend their nests and young to the death

  – NEVER GIVES UP! (Hell yeah!)

  ‘Never gives up,’ Amber whispers to herself. She looks over at Lumin. Those aren’t random drawings she’s sketching. She’s mining her memories, pulling out what she can find and putting it to paper, her special way of placing the jigsaw pieces together.

  That’s tenacity. Lumin was right on the road earlier. Jasper was right that day Amber had suggested they break up. She gives up too easily. Like with her car, which at that moment was with a local mechanic getting seen to after being towed away. But why? Why did she find it so difficult to persevere when a girl with no memory was working so bloody hard not to give up?

  As she thinks that, her phone buzzes. She looks over at the screen, which displays five missed calls from the hospital and even more from Jasper.

  But this number is different.

  The police?

  She lets it go to voicemail, then puts her phone to her ear, listening to the message that’s been left.

  ‘Miss Caulfield, this is Detective King here. Can you call me back immediately? I have a feeling you know this already, but Lumin has gone missing and so, it seems, have you.’ He sounds stern, angry. Amber looks over at Lumin, her heart thumping. ‘Your mother and aunt told me a frankly unconvincing story about you driving out to get supplies. Please call me back before I have to escalate this, Miss Caulfield.’

  Amber puts the phone down with her trembling hand. It rings again and she nearly jumps right out of her skin. But this time it’s Jasper. She picks the phone up, wanting to hear his friendly voice. ‘Hello. I’m guessing you’ve heard?’

  ‘Yep,’ he replies with a sigh. ‘Your mum paid me a visit earlier.’

  ‘Yeah, I asked her to. I didn’t want you to worry. I bet she loved seeing you again?’

  He laughs. ‘She brought me twelve muffins. I’ve never seen so many A&E staff so happy.’ His voice grows serious. ‘Are you sure you’re doing the right thing? I don’t know whether to think you’re mad or a genius.’

  Amber laughs. ‘Oh, come on, you know I’m both.’ Then she pauses. ‘Are you angry?’

  ‘I’m not calling to have a go. I actually think it’s pretty amazing what you’re doing. Though I’m sure Detective King wouldn’t agree …’ There’s a smile in his voice and it makes Amber smile in return. ‘So are you in Scotland now?’

  The smile drops from her face as she stares at the lake. ‘There’s been a … hitch. We’re currently languishing in the Lake District.’

  Lumin looks up from her drawing with a
sympathetic smile.

  ‘There are worse places to be stranded,’ Jasper says. ‘What happened?’ Amber tells him about the car breaking down. ‘Just what you need,’ he says when she’s finished. ‘Look, I have some days off. Why don’t I drive up and take you guys to Scotland?’

  ‘No, Jasper. It’s snowing pretty heavily now, I wouldn’t want you to be as foolish as I was.’

  ‘Even more reason! I have a Range Rover, remember? If I leave now, I’ll miss the worst of the snow anyway. They say tomorrow afternoon is when it’ll be getting really bad.’

  Amber thinks about it. It would be nice, taking all the hassle out of somehow trying to get to Scotland without her car if it isn’t fixed … or breaking the news to Lumin that their road trip to find her identity was over.

  And yes, it would be good to see Jasper again too.

  But then Amber thinks of the arctic tern. Why should she have to rely on him? She’d relied on him when he’d told her Katy would be fine and she wasn’t. She’d relied on her mother and aunt all her life to get her through. Couldn’t she do something on her own for once, be tenacious like that little bird?

  She didn’t need Jasper. She didn’t need anyone.

  She caught sight of her reflection in the mirror: the fierce look on her face, her red hair alight in the growing darkness of the room. She felt like Joan of Arc. Or Amber of the Lake District.

  She smiled to herself. ‘No, it’s fine. I can do this on my own. But thank you.’

  ‘Dinner!’ the hotel’s owner calls upstairs.

  ‘Look, I’d better go,’ Amber says to Jasper. ‘I’ll try to call or text or something when I’m there. Take care, all right?’

  She hears him sigh. ‘You take care too, Amber.’ Then he is gone.

  ‘I liked the sound of that conversation,’ Lumin says, checking her hair in the mirror then smiling up at Amber. ‘No giving up, right?’

  Amber smiles. ‘Hell yeah!’ she says, echoing the words she’d read in the notepad.

  Dinner is served in a small dining room with three square tables, overlooking a pretty garden that leans down towards a valley. Lumin and Amber are treated to a delicious three-course meal of paté on sourdough, a rich homemade vegetable lasagna, then the most delicious chocolate steam pudding Amber has ever tasted. They lap the food up in no time and the hotel’s owner takes their clean plates with a jolly laugh.