The Family Secret

by Tracy Buchanan

  He went to get his coat but I grabbed his arm. ‘Wait, no,’ I said, desperate for him to stay. We still had another couple of hours before my parents and aunt were due back. I crouched down in front of Amber, grabbing her little hands. ‘If you go up to your room and play, I promise you I’ll let you eat all the sweeties in the cupboard.’

  Amber thought about it then shook her head. ‘I want to go outside again and see the snow lady!’

  I closed my eyes in frustration. ‘You can not go outside, it’s freezing.’

  ‘It’s not too bad out there,’ Finn said.

  I turned to him. ‘You said it was freezing earlier.’

  ‘Well, yeah, but look at my coat,’ he said, gesturing towards the thin jacket he’d been wearing.

  ‘Pleeeeeeeease,’ Amber pleaded. ‘I can go on my own, I’m a big girl now.’

  Finn laughed. ‘She’s cute.’

  I looked out at the garden. The snow was still thick out there. But what harm could Amber come to? The garden was enclosed, after all, with a small locked gate.

  ‘Fine,’ I said. ‘But you need to wrap up super warm, all right?’

  A few minutes later, I watched Amber march out into the snow with trepidation. Was I doing the right thing? Wasn’t she a bit young to be playing alone in the snow?

  ‘Now,’ Finn said, taking my hand and leading me to the stairs, ‘where were we?’

  I hadn’t planned to lose my virginity that day. But the mixture of alcohol and how bloody handsome Finn looked with his shirt off and yes, the kudos I’d get for losing my virginity to the cutest boy in town … before I knew it, we were yanking each other’s clothes off and he was tearing off the corner of a condom packet he’d brought with him. In the back of my blurry drunken mind, I remember thinking how presumptuous that was, bringing a condom with him. But I wanted it as much as he did and when it did happen, it wasn’t as painful as my friend who’d lost her virginity had said. In fact, it felt nice.

  After, the bottle of Bailey’s finished and my body exhausted, I fell asleep in his arms.

  It was only when the sound of sirens and the blue throb of lights filled the room that we both woke, confused.

  ‘Shit,’ I said. ‘What time is it?’

  Finn looked at his watch. ‘Nearly four. Damn it, damn it, damn it.’

  Panic zigzagged through my body. ‘Amber! Where’s Amber?’

  I dragged on my jeans and jumper and ran around the house, shouting Amber’s name. No answer. Then I ran downstairs. And that’s when I saw her through the front window, laid out on a stretcher, paramedics swarming around her as my parents ran down the path, eyes heavy with disappointment and anger as they caught sight of the half-dressed boy behind me.

  I let out a sob. What had I done to my little cousin?

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Amber

  Winterton Chine

  24 December 2009

  ‘So you see,’ Gwyneth says to Amber after she finishes telling her what had happened, ‘it was my fault. I fell asleep, and you couldn’t get back inside as the door swung shut. You ended up somehow getting out of the garden and getting lost in the blizzard.’

  ‘You were just a kid,’ Viv says to Gwyneth as Amber stares at the cousin she never knew she had, blinking in shock.

  ‘I shouldn’t have assumed you could look after Amber that day,’ Rita says. ‘You needed your own time too.’

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Amber asks her mum.

  ‘We didn’t want anyone to know,’ Rita replies. ‘We were worried Gwendolyn would get into trouble with the police or something.’

  ‘So instead you sent me away,’ Gwyneth said. Lumin clutched her hand, standing shoulder to shoulder with her mother.

  ‘Not because of that,’ Viv says, going up to Gwyneth, eyes pleading. ‘I’d never have sent you away for that. You were so wild after, going to parties, getting drunk … and worse,’ she added, eyes flickering over to Lumin then away again. ‘I think the guilt of what happened just ate you up inside and you reacted in the only way a teenager knows: by rebelling.’

  ‘We were worried for you,’ Rita says. ‘Then your dad suggested it might be a good idea for you to work at his sister’s hotel in London for the summer, get you away from that crowd you were hanging around with.’

  ‘Where is Dad?’ Gwyneth asks.

  ‘We’re not together any more, he lives in Worthing,’ Viv explains. ‘But we can call him. I’m sure he’d love to hear from you. Do you understand now though, Gwen? It was just supposed to be six weeks. But then you disappeared!’ She lets out a sob. ‘Do you forgive me?’

  Gwyneth stares at her mother and Amber can see the battle inside.

  ‘Mum,’ Lumin says. ‘Say something.’

  ‘I need time,’ Gwyneth says. ‘There’s so much to process.’

  ‘You’re telling me,’ Amber says.

  Gwyneth looks at her. ‘I hope you can forgive me?’

  Amber face flickers with pain as she rubs her bad hand.

  ‘She didn’t mean it,’ Lumin says. ‘And do you realise, this all means we’re related!’

  ‘And you’re my granddaughter,’ Viv says, shaking her head in shock.

  ‘Why are you here, Lumin?’ Gwyneth asks, turning to her daughter.

  Lumin looks down at the icy pebbles. ‘I don’t know. I can’t remember.’

  Viv explains all that’s happened to Lumin and Gwyneth’s eyes widen. ‘My God. That’s terrible. You must have come here to find my family. Your family. You thought I wouldn’t ever come …’

  ‘… so I took it into my own hands,’ Lumin finishes for Gwyneth.

  ‘Sounds like the kind of thing you’d do,’ Gwyneth said. ‘Take it upon yourself to track down our family and bring us together in time for Christmas, you determined stubborn amazing daughter of mine.’

  ‘And you,’ Viv says to her. ‘You said you wouldn’t come here, but you did, darling! And so did my granddaughter,’ she adds, smiling with tears in her eyes as she takes Lumin in. ‘My granddaughter,’ she repeats again.

  ‘My great-niece!’ Rita adds. The two older women both impulsively hug Lumin and Viv grabs Gwyneth’s hand and pulls her in for a hug too.

  Gwyneth is hesitant at first but then she joins them, laughing with her daughter. Then she puts her hand out to Amber, her cousin. Amber goes to take it but then she sees the stubby remains of her fingers. She thinks of Katy and the fact that she might be alive if Amber hadn’t gone for that appointment about prosthetics. It all goes back to the day Gwyneth had abandoned her. It was her cousin’s fault! And yet there they all were, hugging each other, oblivious to the fact.

  Amber turns on her heel and strides off.

  A few hours later, Amber is sitting in the darkness of her sparse bedroom. The phone has long stopped ringing, the doorbell hasn’t echoed around the flat for at least an hour. They’ve all finally accepted she needs to be alone. She stares at her damaged hand. How different her life would be if her cousin hadn’t been so selfish.

  The life she could have had stretches out before her. She could have grown up to be a famous renovator with clients around the world. She would have left Winterton Chine, maybe lived somewhere exciting like Paris or even the US. Or Iceland, like Gwyneth had got the chance to with her perfect hands. And then Katy, she might have lived. But then Amber wouldn’t have met Jasper. The first conversation they’d struck up had been all about her hand.

  Amber allows herself even darker thoughts. Maybe that wouldn’t have been such a bad thing. She wouldn’t have had Katy. There would be no grief, no gaping hole inside her. There might have been another child. One that would still be alive today.

  How could she think that? Amber catches sight of herself in the mirror. She sees the streaks of mascara down her cheeks. The horrible sadness in her eyes. And her deformed useless hand.

  Her phone starts buzzing again. This time it’s Jasper. She’d been so hopeful travelling back with him, her hand on his leg. But the arr
ival of the woman who had changed the course of her life had dragged her back kicking and screaming to square one again.

  She picks her phone up and smashes it into the mirror, glass shattering all over the room, the reflection of her face falling apart like broken ice. It knocks her bag over, its contents spilling out amongst the glass. With it is Gwyneth’s notepad, which she’d kept in her bag for Lumin. All this time, she’d been reading her cousin’s notepad, travelling the breadth of the country with her cousin’s daughter, her own flesh and blood.

  Amber crawls over and carefully retrieves the notepad from the pile of glass. She flicks through it and is surprised to find new sketches in the back, small drawings by Lumin of various sights on their journey to Scotland: the peaks of the Lake District, the pretty farmhouse there, the frozen waterfall, then a face.

  Amber’s face.

  Lumin had drawn her without her knowing. Amber stares at the sketch of herself, standing proud, a look of defiance on her face, her chin up, her damaged hand held up as though in a fist. Before her, a map of Scotland spreads out.

  Is this how she sees me? Amber wonders. A strong defiant character striding across the country to find her truth?

  Amber turns to the next page. It’s her again but this time she’s huddled up on a window seat, chin to her knees, her fingerless hand dangling limp and useless at her side. Flung on the floor is the very notepad she’s looking at, with the defiant portrait of her. But it’s unfinished.

  Amber flicks between the two.

  ‘Defiant or powerless,’ she whispers. ‘Which one am I?

  She looks down at her mangled hand. Was it really just Gwyneth’s fault?

  She catches sight of her reflection in what remains of the mirror. A half-formed thing. One eye, part of a nose, a chin. It reminds her of when she first saw a scan of Katy. She’d had some spotting so she and Jasper went in for an early scan at just eight weeks. There was barely anything there, half-formed. But Katy’s heart beat strong and true. Amber remembers the elation she’d felt at the life that held strong and dear inside her. Jasper had clasped her hand. ‘This one’s a fighter,’ he’d said.

  And my God, she was! She really was, right until the end, Katy fought … just as Amber had when she’d been in hospital with hypothermia all those years ago. The doctors had called her the ‘miracle child’. She’d lived when Katy hadn’t.

  But what had she done with the life she’d been given? The life that Katy had never got the chance to live? She’d squandered it, feeling sorry for herself, bitter and resentful. That bitterness had made her turn her back on the one man she’d ever really loved.

  And it made her stop loving herself too.

  Is she going to waste this new opportunity? A cousin … and her niece, Lumin.

  She stands up, wiping the tears from her face. ‘No more,’ she whispers to herself. ‘No more.’

  Then she grabs her coat and bag, yanks open the front door and runs back to the icy beach. When she gets there, the four women – her family – are waiting for her. Jasper is there too. She runs to them, ice cracking beneath her feet, the sadness of the past melting, the future opening up to her.

  Letter to my readers

  Hello,

  I remember when I first came up with the idea for this novel. I was on one of my annual writing retreats in Devon in the UK, sitting on the window seat and looking out at the beautiful autumnal scenery. I thought to myself how it really wouldn’t be long before the hills and trees would be laced with ice.

  I remember peering towards the coast, imagining what Devon’s beaches might look like in the winter. And that’s when the idea hit me: an icy beach. A girl walking on it barefoot. A beautiful Christmassy lodge sitting on the edge of a frozen lake filled with secrets and lies. My first true winter book! I emailed my agent straightaway and she loved the idea … and I very much hope you love the end result, this book.

  If you do, please leave a review. They let other readers know whether they should buy this book … and if it’s a nice review, it’ll make me smile.

  If you haven’t already, I’d love to see you in my Facebook group, The Reading Snug. You’ll get the chance to read my next novel in advance, be entered into giveaways, get insights into my writing process … and tips from other readers about great new books. You can find it at www.facebook.com/groups/thereadingsnug

  And as always, please get in touch, I love hearing from you. Visit my website at www.tracy-buchanan.com to find out how. You can also sign up for my e-newsletter there and get a FREE download of my debut novel as thanks!

  Take care,

  Tracy

  Acknowledgments

  Big wintry thanks to my agent Caroline, who endures zillions of emails from me with all my crazy ideas and is calm and informed enough to pluck out the best ones. To my lovely editor Katie Loughnane for her enthusiastic and spot-on edits and advice. And the whole team at Avon, including brilliant copyeditors, proofreaders, publicity supremo Sabah Khan and social media guru Elke Desanghere.

  Thanks as ever to my husband for his unwavering support, my daughter who asked if this book would have fairies in it when I told her it’s a bit Christmassy, my brilliant friends and my wonderful family including my mum. As you can tell from the dedication in this novel, just like aunts play a big role in this novel, they also play a big role in my life so a big shout out to them for their support. I’m also proud to be an auntie myself to eight wonderful children including the lovely Lumin … now you know what inspired that wonderful name!

  And you, my readers! What on earth would I do without you guys? I’m especially grateful to the wonderful bunch in my Reading Snug. I am also so grateful for the support of my fellow authors too, especially those who read my novels and take the time to provide quotes.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Tracy Buchanan lives in Buckinghamshire with her husband, their little girl and their puppy, Bronte. Tracy travelled extensively while working as a travel magazine editor, and has always been drawn to the sea after spending her childhood holidays on the south coast visiting family, a fascination that inspires her writing. She now dedicates her time to writing and procrastinating on Facebook.

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