Inside

by Kyra Anderson

  Finally, I could hear what they were saying…around the same time that an ache began to move from my neck down my spine.

  “She’s showing regression…”

  “Finally…”

  “Mr. Christenson said this would probably happen.”

  “Yeah, well, it was worse than I expected. I thought he was exaggerating.”

  “He said to give her J5, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  My eyes finally closed, but death did not claim me. Sleep was starting to reach up and engulf me. I was exhausted. The panic of having my body dismembered and then slowly put back together really took a toll. I fell deep into unconsciousness, just after I felt another needle in my arm.

  * *** *

  I woke up sore and exhausted, cringing under the bright lights of my cell. As soon as consciousness took over, my stomach flipped at the searing pain in my head. Nausea overwhelming me, I found myself clawing my way to the toilet and dry-heaving into the bowl.

  Choking as my body tried to rid itself of the non-existent contents of my stomach, I began to panic that I would pass out from lack of breath in the toilet, so I moved away, head pressing to the cold cement in front of the toilet, my body convulsing as I coughed.

  Slowly, the spasms ceased and I remained, breathing hard, crouched in my position near the toilet, feeling the aching in my body, as if I had just slept out in the winter cold.

  “Lily?” a voice whispered.

  My eyes shot wide, my heart stopping. There was no way…

  “Lily?! Oh my God, are you alright?!”

  There was a hand on my back, warm and gentle, but it made me recoil as if it had branded my shoulder. I fell backward, my elbow striking hard against the cement as I stared in horror at the woman in front of me. Her blonde hair was just as perfect as I had ever seen it, and her bright green eyes were wide with concern, her hand suspended in mid-air.

  “No…no, you c-can’t…” I hissed. “You’re not here…”

  “Lily, it’s me. Don’t you recognize me?”

  I vaguely remembered a head raised on a pike…a body drawn and quartered…

  “No…no, no, no…you’re dead…”

  “Lily, I’m right here.”

  “Stop it!” I screamed, shoving her backward sharply. She fell back and we both stared at each other, eyes wide with fear. “You’re not here.”

  “I’m here to help you, Lily,” Tori whispered. “You’re barely holding on by yourself…”

  Oh my God…this can’t be happening…

  I curled forward, shaking my head.

  “Please…go away…”

  “Lily, you need help!”

  “You’re dead!” I screeched.

  “No, Lily…I’m here…” She moved forward again and her hand rested on my shoulder. “All you need to do is fight a little harder. I know you can win…”

  “We already lost…”

  “No, here,” she clarified. “In the testing, you need to keep fighting. Don’t succumb to death. You can beat Dana.”

  “…you think I can?”

  “Absolutely,” Tori whispered. She grabbed my arms and pulled me into a hug. I remained still, not sure what to make of the incredibly realistic hallucination. “I’m here to help you.”

  “How can you help?”

  “When you’re back on the table…I’m going to sneak up and attack them. Then, we’re going to hijack a car and get the hell out of here.”

  “Where will we go?”

  “Away, far away,” she told me. She hugged me again, and this time I hugged back. I was sure this was a hallucination, but it gave me a small glimmer of hope, regardless. That was until I remembered the last time I had seen Tori…

  “Tori…” I looked up at her. “I thought you were the strongest experiment made here…besides Eyna.”

  “I was,” she affirmed.

  I sat back on my heels and looked at the ground.

  “Then…how did you die so easily?”

  “Easily?” She barked a laugh. “It wasn’t easy. First, they had to drag me behind the jeeps by my neck to suffocate me enough so that I wouldn’t fight back when they tied me between the cars.”

  My eyes were wide in horror.

  “Then they took their knives, and continued to stab me as I was suspended, laughing, telling me how stupid I was thinking that they didn’t know how to take me apart. Like I was just another machine, like their cars…Then they took a little wire and wrapped it around my neck, tying it to the bumpers of some other cars, and having those cars slowly pull away from one another as they raped me…until my head came clean off…”

  I stared, my eyes unblinking in horror.

  “Come to think of it…they kept asking me if I was you. And when they discovered I wasn’t the precious Lily Sandover, they said they were going to kill me nice and slow.” She blinked. “Why should I help you?” she whispered. “You’re the reason I’m dead.”

  My heart stopped and my stomach flipped over again.

  “I…I never imagined…”

  “What? That we would lose?” Tori barked. “Then what were you doing screaming in the woods the night before we were killed? You should have found Dana and thrown yourself at his mercy!”

  “I tried!” I bellowed, tears rising to my eyes. “I tried…I didn’t want anyone else to die…”

  “I’m sure…” Tori growled. “But we were all willing to kill and die for you. Why?”

  The words struck my core.

  “I…I don’t know…”

  “What was it that was so special about you that we were willing to die for it?”

  “Tori…please, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say…”

  “You’re sorry?” she chuckled. “Really? I’m dead…I was torn apart…and you’re sorry.”

  My eyebrows furrowed. This wasn’t Tori. Even my hopeful hallucination was completely off from what Tori was like. I shook my head slowly.

  “What?” Tori snapped.

  “I want you gone,” I growled, trying to keep my voice strong as I held back my sobs. “I’m paying for what happened now, but if you’re going to bitch at me, then I want you gone!”

  “Well, good news for you, I am gone.” Tori snarled, standing and walking to the door. “And you sure as hell haven’t paid for everything, yet!” she snapped as she walked through the door that magically opened for her and slammed shut when she was gone.

  I stared into the hallway, studying the wall between the lit cell and the empty one across the corridor, expecting to wake from the bizarre dream. I was sure it was a dream until I had remained in the same position for an eternity without waking up or falling asleep.

  Slowly, the tears rolled down my cheek, I moved to the wall blocking the toilet, banging my head lightly a few times on the wall, trying to regain myself.

  It was not long before Randy came to collect me again. He led me to the lab and told me to sit on the table.

  “Don’t worry, nothing bad today,” he smiled, rolling my right sleeve up. “We’re just going to check your vitals and then give you a shot and take you back to your cell,” he explained. “You might feel a little stiffness in your muscles, but it will pass with time.”

  They did exactly as he said. They took my vitals, gave me the shot as I turned away from watching the needle, and after they had waited the twenty minutes to be sure I did not have a negative reaction, they took me back to my cell.

  I watched the ground as I walked, thinking back to what Tori had said about me not paying for what I had done. I was beginning to wonder if I ever could. With Dana’s promise to make me like him, I would be treading further away from what we had fought for. And they would have died for nothing, because I would have given in anyway.

  I was just as curious about what they had seen in me that made them die protecting me.

  I was praising myself too highly, thinking that they died for me. They died because of me.

  Randy opened my cell and I turned to go
in obediently. However, as I lifted my head, I saw someone standing in the cell and I stopped in the doorway, back-pedaling.

  “It’s okay,” Randy assured, gently pushing me forward.

  “No…” I hissed. I looked over the tall, broad figure, my eyes resting on all the familiar tattoos over bulging muscles. I tried to back up again, but the four scientists pushed me into the cell.

  “I’ve never seen an experiment want to stay with us…” Amanda whispered as they left.

  I was completely still, looking at Griffin with wide eyes. I knew I was hallucinating. Nothing else around me seemed out of the ordinary, and no one else could see anyone in my cell, as was evident by the lack of commotion. Griffin was a figment of my imagination, something to break the monochromatic white walls.

  “Not even a hello?” Griffin chuckled.

  “Griffin…” I whispered. “I…”

  “What? Surprised to see me?”

  “Of course,” I said. “Because…you’re not real.”

  “I’m not? That’s pretty cold…”

  “I mean, you were real…but…I saw you die…”

  “Yes, you did…” he agreed. “So, I’m left wondering, then, why am I here?” He shrugged. I took a deep breath, staring at him for a long moment, my heart constricting painfully in my chest as I recalled the horrible event and everything surrounding it—the whole battle that had been the end of us as a revolution.

  “I don’t know…” I admitted. “It’s obvious I’m hallucinating…”

  “Of course,” Griffin laughed.

  “I’m not sure if the fact that I recognize that I’m hallucinating is a good sign or a bad sign,” I said, walking forward.

  “You’re interacting with your hallucinations,” Griffin pointed out. “That’s a bad sign.”

  I lifted a hand to my head and closed my eyes, trying to gain my bearings.

  “I don’t know what’s going on with me…I wish you really were here…” Tears returned to my eyes. “I really need someone to help me get through this…”

  “I think you just answered your own question…” Griffin told me, stepping forward and stopping when he was in front of me. “What is it that you expect me to do for you?”

  Anything…

  I could only blink, unable to bring the word forward.

  “I can’t fix anything for you,” he said. “This was something you knew was coming.”

  “I-I know…but—”

  “But nothing…I tried to help you, I really did. But…there was just nothing I could do that would change the fate coming at you. And there is nothing I can do now. There is no one left to help you.”

  “You’re here…” I breathed.

  “No, you are.” Griffin shook his head. “I’ve paid my dues in this hell hole. Look where it got me.”

  “Griffin, please,” I whispered, going forward and grabbing his hand. “You always had a way of making me feel safe, of making everything better…why are you so indifferent now?”

  “Because I finally accepted reality,” Griffin said. “And you should, too.”

  I sniffed my tears back, shaking my head. “No…” I breathed. “I know there is a way I can fight Dana. You’re supposed to help me.”

  “How?” he challenged. “We tried and we failed. That’s all that can be said. Dana is too powerful. We just can’t win. The best we can do is try to accept his rules and try to survive with them.” He nodded to me. “You have to try. You’re not dead.”

  “Griffin, please, just help me. Tell me everything is going to be okay, that I can find a way to escape Dana and what he wants to do to me…”

  “I’m not going to lie to you.” Griffin shook his head. “He’s already won.” He reached forward and gently placed his hand over my face, covering my eyes. “That much should be obvious…”

  My eyes closed as his hand moved over my eyelids. His hand was warm, calloused as I remembered, and when the pressure was gone from my face, I opened my eyes to find Griffin gone.

  I sat in the back corner of the cell and curled forward, crying pitifully.

  Tori and Griffin had left me, had not offered any comfort or support. Tori was enraged at her fate, Griffin was indifferent…the strong experiments who had managed to endure testing and Dana’s horrible whims, and yet they felt helpless for my situation…angry and indifferent…

  No…I felt angry…and then, indifferent.

  Why were they appearing before me? What was it that I gained from seeing these faces from my past, faces that I felt responsible for erasing from the world? What were the drugs doing to me? What was I doing to myself?

  I could not eat the next two meals. Before long, Randy came back to take me to the lab. I was hesitant to follow him obediently but, with an insistent pushing and a gentle ‘please,’ I stepped forward. If I had had two meals delivered…it meant that it had been about twelve hours since I had last been in the lab. After Griffin had disappeared, I was expecting all sorts of other hallucinations, monsters coming out of the walls, other members of the revolution coming to blame me for what happened, or telling me to give up all together…

  But nothing else happened. The stagnant walls remained as they were.

  That was far worse.

  I sat on the table, nervously looking at the box that had been set on the rolling table next to me. J5 – 88911.

  My blood pressure, pulse rate, and reflexes were noted as my eyes focused on the box, looking over the five digits that made up my new name.

  “We’re going to take some blood, now,” Randy said, wiping the inside of my elbow. I did not acknowledge that I heard what he said, staring at the box, imagining what the vials of serum looked like under the lid. Even as the needle pricked my arm, I was focused on the box, dreading what horrible hallucination was going to greet me next.

  Randy talked me through the rest of the appointment, short as it was. I did not notice that he had not bothered to tether me to the table. I remained where I was, sitting on the edge, docile and obedient, humbled by the horrible images I had seen in my cell.

  That little vial was able to make me see faces and figures from my past…and it was so realistic that I found myself interacting with them without thinking twice.

  When I got back to my cell, no one was waiting for me.

  My next meal was delivered and I stared at it for a long time, trying to decide if I should force something down. I was not at all hungry, nor was I nauseous with the pangs of my ignored stomach. I was simply not interested.

  Figuring it was still in my best interest, I moved closer and took a bite of the bread, sipping the water as well.

  I cringed at the horrible taste that filled my mouth and immediately replaced the bread on the tray, spitting it out and gulping down the water in an attempt to rid myself of the disgust.

  The water sat heavily in my stomach and it made me cringe, my body cramping, unable to remember what to do.

  I curled near the tray and closed my eyes, realizing I had not slept in what appeared to be nearly three days, based on the meals I had received. I tried to let sleep claim me, but every time I felt myself start to go under, I would jump awake, expecting someone to be in the cell with me, or waiting for me in my nightmares to continue the torture of the mind-altering drug.

  I decided that that was what the J5 was for. The other two had morphed my body in ways that I could not see but could feel. This was doing the same thing to my mind.

  A part of me wanted to see another hallucination, wanted someone to appear who was willing to support me and help me through this. I had never felt so utterly alone.

  Even seeing Dana would break the horrible banality in my mind.

  But Dana did not visit, either.

  Finally, sleep claimed me. I knew it did because when I woke up, the tray of food was gone. I sighed and sat up, hugging my knees and staring out the glass wall of my cell.

  A man in a simple black suit started to walk around the corner of the hallway in front of me and
the movement caught my attention. He stepped closer, slowing to a stop in front of the door to my cell, smiling.

  The tears were immediately in my eyes.

  “Oh…not you, too…” I pled with my brain.

  The door opened and Josh shut it behind him.

  “Lily.” He smiled, crouching and hugging me tightly. The tears spilled down my face like rivers. I did not care that this was a hallucination. The hug felt real. It felt like Josh. I buried my face in his suit, crying into his shoulder. “It’s okay…I’m here, now…”

  Those few words sent a feeling of warmth spiraling through my body, chasing away every ache and pain. I smiled into the fabric of his suit, holding him tightly.

  We stayed like that for hours.

  Finally, I broke the hug, pushing the final tears away from my eyes.

  “I’m so happy to see you,” I hiccupped. He thumbed a stray tear off my cheek.

  “I wish that I could see you happier.”

  “I wish I could be happier…but there’s nothing to be happy about…” I whispered. “I’m here being tested on, turning into Dana 2.0, and…you’re…”

  “…you can say it…” he assured with a gentle smile.

  “…you’re dead…”

  Josh put a hand on my face tenderly.

  “But you’re not,” he reminded me. “So, don’t lay down and give up like you are dead.”

  “What else can I do?”

  “What happened to the fighting spirit you used to have?”

  I stopped. There had been many thoughts about our revolution since I had been captured. I had had so much time to myself that I had tried to figure out the turning point of our rebellion.

  “Everything changed when you died…” I breathed. “No one…no one really felt right after that…”

  “I guess I should be happy that no one was celebrating my death,” Josh tried to joke.

  “I’m so sorry…” I whispered, ignoring his playfulness. “If I hadn’t rushed into anything…if I had thought about how wrong the whole situation felt…”

  “Lily,” Josh hissed, his hand going to mine and squeezing it. “Don’t. There’s nothing you can do to change it.”

  Feeling the tears come again, I leapt forward and hugged him once more.