Zero Dwarfs Given (Dwarf Bounty Hunter Book 4)

by Martha Carr

  “Nope and I don’t care.”

  “But you like AC/DC, right?”

  “What’re you on about, darlin’?”

  “Back in Black, Johnny.”

  “Huh.” He sat beside her on the couch again and couldn’t bring himself to look at the laptop. “Nelson’s PR team did somethin’ right, at least.”

  “And people are freaking out. There’s a whole page dedicated to the episode that hasn’t even come out yet. Look at this.”

  “Nope.”

  “There are almost ten thousand comments simply speculating about what you’re doing in Baltimore. Everyone knows. And they’re all talking about—oh.”

  Johnny leaning his head back against the couch cushion. “Well, don’t that sound promisin’. What is it?”

  “Some…uh, rather choice descriptions of Stephanie.”

  He chuckled.

  “Oh, look. Someone wrote a piece of fan fiction.”

  “Get outta here.”

  “No, I’m serious. It’s… Whoa. Erotic fan-fiction. Again, with Stephanie.”

  “Darlin’, you oughtta close outta that before you start losin’ your mind.”

  “Okay, well, I’m not reading that. But I’m enjoying this. Sure, no one knows it’s me, but all this means our plan’s working.”

  “Your plan.” Johnny raised his head to drink more whiskey. “I gotta give credit where it’s due. You thought all this up on your own.”

  “Yeah, in the middle of the night after being awake for twenty-two hours straight.”

  He frowned at her. “Seriously?”

  “I suppose I found a way to be productive on an insomniac’s schedule. Don’t worry about it. I’ve been getting six hours for the last few nights, so I think it’s getting better.”

  “Whoever told you six hours was enough needs to have their head checked. I get eight. Nine if I bagged some prize-winning game the day before.”

  Luther sniggered. “Eleven if you brought a lady over the night before.”

  “Ooh, yeah. Johnny, remember that one time when we went to that party and you got shitfaced? And we had to walk you home? I’m very sure you slept a whole day after that.”

  “And you did way more than whiskey that night, didn’t you?”

  The dwarf snapped his fingers and took a huge sip. And that’s why no one else hears the hounds but me.

  “Well, either way,” Lisa continued, oblivious to the hounds heckling their master, “it’s getting better. So I’m not too worried about it.”

  “Sure. Have you tried any—”

  “Oh, hello…” She nudged his shoulder and pointed at the screen. “Incoming message.”

  “From the same guy?”

  “There is no way to tell. But probably.”

  Your face is all over the internet. Explain.

  Below that came a screenshot of the Johnny Walker fan site with a frozen video frame capturing Stephanie Wyndom grinning at the bounty hunter. A text box for her to send an immediate reply opened at the bottom of the message.

  “Shit. Do you have an answer for that?” he asked.

  “Sure.” Lisa started typing.

  “You don’t sound all that reassurin’, darlin’. It might be we oughtta—”

  “Shh. Let me think.”

  He snorted and leaned slightly toward her to read her on-the-fly explanation over her shoulder.

  You saw my face in other places too. Twenty-four years is a long time to remember what that asshole did to me. The opportunity came my way, and I took it. They wanted a pretty face on the show this time around, so that’s all they see, but I’ll be here as long as it takes to find everything he loves and cares about. I thought meeting up with some like-minded ex-bounties would help me connect the dots in the end.

  Johnny whistled. “Are you sure you didn’t already have that floatin’ around in the back of your mind?”

  “No, my lies are much better when I don’t plan them.” She grinned at him. “Otherwise, I forget half of it.”

  “Like where your alias was born?”

  “Johnny, they won’t ask me to confirm everything I sent them directly. Especially not when they can double-check for themselves. It’s fine.”

  The text both she and the anonymous messenger had sent to each other disappeared, then whoever was on the other side of the chat started typing again.

  Come alone. No human weapons.

  Below that was an address. Lisa used her phone to snap a photo before the message box disappeared with another flash of white light across her screen. “Got it. We’re in.”

  “All right, darlin’. I’m impressed.”

  “Good. You should be.” She left the dark web, closed the VPN down, and signed out of everything before she turned her laptop off. “Now, we’re one step closer.”

  “Well, you can spin a story by the skin of your teeth, I’ll give you that. Do you reckon you can hold your own tomorrow night in a room full of vengeful pricks?”

  The laptop clicked shut, and she turned to raise an eyebrow at him. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “If you ain’t been sleepin’—”

  “I’m fine.” Lisa stood and tucked her laptop under her arm. “But speaking of sleep, yeah. I should probably go do that. You too.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Goodnight, Johnny.”

  “’Night, darlin’.” He raised his glass toward her, then paused. “Hey, when those idiots start filmin’ us again tomorrow, you should throw a few nasty looks my way.”

  She looked at him over her shoulder with a confused smile. “What?”

  “You know. Like you can’t wait to kick my ass so everyone gets a good look at it.”

  “Ha! I’ll see what I can do. It shouldn’t be that hard.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Johnny managed to bypass the film-crew plague the next morning when he ordered room service for breakfast and stretched out in the huge suite with a perfectly black cup of coffee. Rex had gone through the entire extra order of bacon brought up for him, and the larger hound now stared at the second plate in front of his brother. “You gonna eat that, Luther?”

  “I don’t know.” Luther lifted his head off the floor and sniffed the bacon. “I don’t feel all that hungry.”

  The newspaper Johnny had been reading—fortunately without any mention of him or the damn show—slapped down on his lap before he turned a sharp frown onto the coonhound. “What’s wrong with you?”

  “Dunno, Johnny.” Luther belched and rolled over onto his side. “Maybe I’m feeling a little bloated.”

  “You do kinda look like it.” The dwarf glanced at Rex. “What’d he do?”

  “Don’t look at me.” The larger hound lowered himself to his belly and licked the bacon grease off his plate. “It’s Luther. Could be anything.”

  “Uh-huh. And that’s what I’m worried about. Are you hurtin’, boy?”

  “Not really. Only…” Luther farted and rolled onto his back, his forepaws dangling limply beneath his chin. “Waiting.”

  “Well, hurry up about it.” Johnny drank his coffee and took a deep breath. “I have no idea when we’ll be—”

  A sharp knock came at the door to his suite. “Johnny?”

  “Interrupted by the biggest pain in my ass all year.” The dwarf sighed and set his coffee and newspaper down on the dining table.

  “Johnny, it’s Phil. Come on and open up, will you? I want to go over a few things with you before we—oh. Good morning.”

  Johnny grasped the suite door tightly and stepped in front of the open space to block the rest of his room. “What?”

  “What are you planning to get into today?”

  “I don’t have any real plans, to tell ya the truth.”

  Phil smoothed his wildly scattered hair away from his head. “Great. Then we can—”

  “But they don’t include you.”

  “I know, Johnny. But look. We’ve seen more hits on the YouTube videos and more trending hashtags than I even im
agined was possible. And that’s only the last few days. So we want to get a little more up close and personal today, you know? We haven’t done any more Q&As since the first one at your house. Our viewers are screaming for more. We need to give it to them.”

  “Screamin’.” Johnny regarded him dubiously. “Is that right?”

  “Literally and virtually, yeah. So why don’t you go ahead and get ready to go out? See the sights. Go shopping. Do whatever you need to do—”

  “I’m good.”

  Across the hall, Lisa’s door opened, and redheaded Stephanie stepped out with wide eyes. “Already, huh?”

  “Yeah, we wanted to get a head-start,” Phil said quickly over his shoulder. “Look, this is merely us following you and your dogs around Baltimore—oh, and Stephanie. Right now, the most important thing is that we recapture that ‘day in the life of Johnny Walker’ effect. You know, the same thing you were doing back in the day. No bounties to go after and no traveling, merely a dwarf out on the town doing whatever he does between.”

  Johnny sniffed and darted Lisa an exasperated glance. “This ain’t a regular day in my life, Phil.”

  “Yeah, yeah, I know that.” The director stepped toward the door and leaned toward him to whisper, “But our viewers don’t.”

  “And you wanna make all those folks think I live in Baltimore?”

  “No, they already know you’re from the south. This is for character, Johnny. It’s been fifteen years. A lot happens in fifteen years, and if we want this to be a success, everyone out there watching needs to feel as if they’ve known you for the last fifteen years—that they can reconnect with you, right? That you haven’t changed all that much.”

  “Filmin’ me walkin’ around the city ain’t gonna make a difference.”

  “It’s not the worst idea,” Lisa said as her hotel room door shut behind her.

  “Aw, not you too.”

  “Oh, come on.” She smiled at Phil in a friendly way, but the man was too intently focused on pleading for Johnny to notice. “Hey, why don’t we walk down to the waterfront? We don’t have to have an actual plan, but I heard the view’s nice. We could do the Q&A down there, maybe grab a drink, and see what happens.”

  The bounty hunter grunted, his expression obstinate. “What happens is I stay right here.”

  “Johnny.” She peered around Phil’s unruly hair and raised her eyebrows. “You never know who might be watching, right?”

  After a moment, he scowled and twisted to shout over his shoulder. “Come on, boys. We’re goin’ down for a day in the fuckin’ life.”

  “What?” Rex trotted down the hall. “Life of what?”

  “A dwarf that don’t exist. Luther!”

  “I’m good, Johnny. Truly, I could lay here all day. You go ahead—”

  He snapped his fingers. “Get on right now. If I ain’t stayin’ in this hotel suite, neither are you.”

  “Okay, okay…” Luther grunted and pushed to his feet. When he waddled down the hallway, his head swung slightly from side to side and Rex sat with a low whine.

  “You look awful, bro.”

  “Thanks.”

  “What you need is just a chance to run it off. The park’s a good idea.” Once the hounds were out the door, Johnny turned to head toward the elevators.

  Phil met Lisa’s gaze and mouthed, “Thank you.”

  “This is essentially your one shot,” she whispered. “So don’t blow it like last night, okay?”

  “Oh, I’m the bad guy here? He threw a plate at my cameraman.”

  “Where’s Howie?” Johnny called from where he stood beside the elevator.

  Phil scowled. “Waiting downstairs in the lobby. He said something about cookies.”

  “Ooh, hey, Johnny. You think they have any hound cookies?”

  The dwarf snorted. “This ain’t Portland, Rex.”

  “Yeah, yeah, but if Luther and I happen to find some cookies laying around, you think—”

  “Dude…” Luther let out a heavy sigh and sat. “Don’t talk about cookies. Or eating. Or moving. I can’t handle it right now.”

  “There is something wrong with you.”

  They walked just shy of a mile and a half down to Federal Hill Park in the warm morning air. The smell of the ocean and fish mingled with scents from the restaurants open for breakfast and the thick, almost burned aroma of roasting coffee beans.

  More strangers stopped to stare at the bounty hunter and his entourage. Some of them waved and shouted hello while others simply pointed. One man tried to flag Johnny down to get an autograph, but Howie was there to remind the guy that they were on official Dwarf the Bounty Hunter business. Maybe another time.

  “Okay, Johnny. Stop right there.” Phil pointed at him. “Yeah. Right there.”

  Johnny turned with both hands shoved into the pockets of his black jeans. “On the grass?”

  “Oh, yeah. It’s perfect. Like you’re part of the city with the bay in the background and all these people. The lighting’s great. And look, you fit right in. All the locals are doing it. Benson, grab those lawn chairs, huh?”

  One of the crew slid two nylon folding chairs out of their cases and followed Phil’s instructions in setting them up. The dwarf didn’t move.

  “You look like you’re about to be sick,” Lisa muttered as she joined him in front of the chairs.

  “Naw, I think that’s Luther.”

  The smaller hound waddled across the grass, stopped to sniff a dandelion, then lowered himself to the ground and rolled onto his side. “I’m fine, Johnny. Stop looking at me.”

  “All right, now Johnny, Stephanie, go ahead and take your seats.”

  Johnny looked over the rims of his black sunglasses and raised an eyebrow at Howie. The man shrugged and gestured apologetically. Yeah. I already knew this was gonna have to happen sooner or later.

  He and Lisa sat, and Phil’s hands fluttered excitedly toward them as Cody and the boom assistant took their places around the lawn chairs. “And how about taking off those sunglasses, huh?”

  “No.”

  Phil scoffed. “It doesn’t do well for the shot, though. It would be much better if we can—”

  “At least you have the damn shot, man. Take it or leave it.”

  The director’s mouth dropped open, then he took a deep breath and nodded at Cody. “Go ahead and start the new reel.”

  Johnny folded his arms and watched the pedestrians milling around Federal Hill Park. Half of them slowed to stare at the filming in progress. This is gonna be one hell of a short season.

  “Are we rolling? Great. Here we go.” Phil pointed at the bounty hunter and nodded. “So now that you’ve been in Baltimore for a few days, Johnny, how do you feel?”

  “I’m ready to get back to my swamp.”

  The director’s shoulders slumped and he shook his head as he whispered, “Try to be real here, okay?”

  “He thinks I ain’t serious about this whole thing,” Johnny muttered, leaning slightly toward Lisa. “What the hell does he want from me?”

  She grinned and watched Phil gesticulate in what amounted to a bunch of nonsense she didn’t understand. “Ratings.”

  “Ridiculous.”

  “What’s been your favorite part of Baltimore so far, Johnny?” Phil continued.

  “I have a nice hotel suite,” he muttered. “It’s bigger than the others.”

  “You mean bigger than the places you used to stay when you were going after bounties fifteen years ago?”

  Shit. “Yeah. ’Course that’s what I meant.”

  “You like big hotel rooms. Okay.” One of the crewmembers sniggered, and Phil cast him a scathing glance. “What else about the city draws you in?”

  “Besides a job?” Johnny sniffed and scanned the park and all the pedestrians. This is ridiculous. “You know, Baltimore’s got…charm. Right? It’s an old city with considerable opportunity for folks who can see it for what it’s got. I guess.”

  “Great. Tell us about you
r run-in yesterday with a few magicals at the…in Guilford.”

  Johnny rolled his eyes but of course, no one could see it beneath the dark sunglasses. “I don’t have much to say. We were lookin’ for our guy, and it turned out we had the wrong criminal. That’s it.”

  “Will you continue the search over the next few days?”

  Lisa leaned toward him and muttered, “Now would be the time to play up the whole ‘sit back and relax’ part of this.”

  “Naw.” Johnny folded his arms and stared at the camera. “I been called off the job after a few key details came into play. So I reckon I’ll stick around here for a few more days, see the sights, enjoy all the…city folk.”

  He gestured toward a large crowd walking through the streets downtown and almost ate his own words when he saw the damn pony people in bright colors among them. Does it ever end?

  “And you can say you’ve been enjoying yourself while you’re here, right?” Phil asked, his eyes widening as he geared up for more questions.

  “Sure.”

  “Baltimore has kicked it up a notch when it comes to the fine-dining scene. Like where you and Stephanie went out for dinner last night.” Johnny’s hands balled into fists in his lap. “We only got to see a little of that moment between you two. It looked like you were having fun.”

  “Yeah, until someone showed up and ruined a perfectly good night. Are you serious with this shit, man? This ain’t ‘a day in the life.’ It feels more like puttin’ me on a witness stand.”

  “Just roll with it, okay?” Phil whistled at the cameraman and twirled his finger before he pointed at the bounty hunter and his “assistant.” Cody and the second cameraman closed in. “The next question’s for you, Stephanie.”

  Lisa crossed one leg over the other and leaned back in the chair. “Okay.”

  “How easy is it to get on Johnny’s good side?”

  She laughed in surprise and tossed her red curls over her shoulder. “I’m sorry, what?”

  “Well, you know him fairly well. Yes, you’re on the show as an assistant, but I’m talking about knowing him well enough to go out to dinner last night. It looked like you two were having quite the evening. Is that something you have to work at, or does it come naturally to you?”