Glorious Nemesis

by Klima, Ladislav

  She pulled him over to the bed, pushed him down on it, and kissed him wildly. He kissed her back. He had the deceptive impression he was kissing Orea – and he’d never felt such agony, delight, glory. As if the forgotten All-Mystery were rumbling open before him in friendship. It required a strong will to pull himself together. At the same moment Errata also stirred. Her hair stood on end, her face horror incarnate. “Look, over there – Her! Orea! Again, for the sake of the living God!”

  He looked to where her hand was pointing. He saw something undulating in the corner of the cell like a grey-white column of vapour, slowly taking on the appearance of a human body, and it seemed he could just about make out a face – Hers. He was suddenly seized with terror, and without knowing why he waved an arm in frantic command. The apparition vanished.

  “She’s gone,” whispered Errata, kneeling on the floor ... “She doesn’t want me to have you. She is – jealous – hee hee hee – that harpy from the sea! But, laddie, in fact I do love Her more than you. Damn it, She sure can kiss better than you, Jack! That’s why I ended up in the loony bin. Because I said I could see Her, and they couldn’t. That’s why every decent person ends up in the loony bin, because they see things others, blind lunatics, do not see. If I had at least said I was having ‘hallucinations,’ hee hee, I wouldn’t have ended up in the nuthouse, they might have made a doctor of me. But I was so witless I told them that what I saw was true, and this is something these idiots cannot forgive. Since then my skin’s been more black and blue than white – look!” She lifted her skirt. It was true.

  He sat her down on the bed. “I want to live my life with you by my side,” he said sincerely. “I will protect you from people and from phantoms, or I will die with you.”

  “You would marry me? Just look at me! I don’t even know myself, those thugs won’t even give me a hand mirror! They say it would drive me even more insane – tell me, what’s a woman without a mirror? I know I look old, but I’m certainly younger than you, I’m only thirty-six.”

  “My dear Errata, tell me what happened twelve years ago in Cortona! Everything, including your life since! But be brief and to the point, alright, sweetheart?”

  “Yes! Now I feel quite sensible, and anyway, I would always be a model of rationality if you were with me all the time. But whenever one of those scoundrels walks in here – I don’t know why it is: something inside me swirls so monstrously and I start jabbering nonsense. When they don’t see me, they don’t realize how sensible I am, when they do see me, I can’t help talking nonsense. To be fair, I can’t really blame them, can I?”

  “On the contrary, the only thing that one should hold against people is their stupidity. Tell me, my dear!”

  Errata, now acting quite like a normal person, recalled her life, at times even joyfully and cheerily. She even used the polite form with him, though he, still shaken from Orea’s recent partial appearance, listened with an exasperation he had never experienced before. “Now” – he felt – “now the terrible riddle of my life will be solved. Everything till now was only preparation for this moment.”

  “The first time I ever saw Her was on that wet, scarlet evening in the ravine. I was wandering around near town, entirely absorbed in dreaming, and without any warning whatsoever, so suddenly, miraculously, She was standing before me. I’d never had such a fright in my life. She asked me something completely mundane in a voice of silky thunder, like a blue evening storm speaking from afar. I answered like a fool. But She was so charming, I quickly recovered and even found the courage to offer – I don’t know why – to accompany Her part of the way. She accepted with a bewitching smile, and suddenly she half-embraced me, and even though this rattled me like the kiss of a tiger, from that moment on I was in love with Her. Just a minute later we met you ... I think I would have thrown myself into your arms upon first seeing your face if She had not touched me with her elbows ... ‘He reeled when he saw you,’ I told Her, just after we had walked past you. ‘He knows me, without being aware of it,’ she replied coldly, ‘he has a bad conscience; he is the worst scoundrel on earth.’ I know for certain that Her pale face turned white as chalk, I even think I heard the ghostly throbbing of Her heart – maybe I was only hearing things – or it could have been the heart of the ancient forest – I don’t know. I didn’t have the courage to inquire further. Suddenly I felt more and more out of sorts. As if sensing it, She left me shortly thereafter. Oh, how relieved I was when I found myself in the garden of that restaurant among friendly people! Later we kissed the whole night long, grotesquely, weeping, and we became two monsters devouring one another.

  “The second time we met was on that Sunday afternoon; oddly enough, every time I saw Her then you would show up a short while later. I was sitting at the edge of the forest, near the restaurant, reading and listening to the music. All of a sudden a shadow fell across the sun-splashed book, a shadow unfathomably black, blacker than any shadow I’d ever seen in my life. Her! But I was not startled as much as the first time: quite a few people were walking nearby, and the day was as radiant as the music. She sat down next to me sweetly and started talking about my book and literature more astutely than I had ever heard a woman speak. We sat there together for a long time, I completely narcotised – and in the end She kissed me ... From that moment – my fate was sealed! ... I also sucked a sweet from Her lips ... Oh, but it felt like I had kissed death – and my love was replaced by horror ... This has been the theme of my life ever since: love – horror, horror – love: one worse than the other. – I was grateful to Her at the time when She suggested we go to the garden together. But not even that relieved my awful anxiety – only when I saw you ... Even so, soon She prevailed ... I again brought you up during our conversation. She said you were a nasty sadist who had no qualms over committing an erotic murder. – Is this true?”

  “Whoever loves is by default a sadist, and a masochist as well: three words to describe one and the same. But I have only expressed it in harmless ways. I have always lived more in dream than in reality. It’s possible I might have a rudimentary talent for magnanimous sadism, but I have never developed it.”

  “She also told me something similar later, that today you are on the road to atonement, though before you were – an outright beast, that in the past She had experienced it for Herself.”

  “In the past? ... Perhaps – in dreams?” he said as his heart started pounding.

  “Yes – She said that everything is a dream – that eternity is a dream, and the only sin is when one goes insane in a dream, and this needs to be put right – She said this is the reason why all people and animals and plants and stars live, and wept while She said this. I’m certain I saw tears on Her cheeks. ‘She loves him,’ I said to myself and became jealous. I looked at you – and was jealous of you both ... Though I fondly look back now at that springtime of my bizarre loves ... Yet I was feeling all the more terrible; I didn’t even notice the commotion, all those eyes fixed on Her in horror ... And then She left me, in the most lovely way again, and I ran off to smiling meadows to keep from fainting ... Only in the evening when I was sitting in the dining room did people ask me: ‘Do you know who was sitting with you!?’ – –”

  “Who? Who? Who?”

  “The ghost of Stag’s Head! Why, you’re as white as snow –”

  “The ghost of – Stag’s – Head?”

  “Yes. She’s been haunting the place for at least a hundred years! She appears only in June, usually on the summit, but every now and then even on the slopes; that was the first time the ghost had been seen down in the village, that Sunday with me. Many who have seen Her over those hundred years went insane or plummeted into the chasm because their limbs suddenly gave out ... So that’s who our beloved is, tee hee hee! ... Don’t faint –”

  “It’s passed!” he exhaled and slumped down onto the bed. “The most terrible thing of all is to be in love with a ghost. It’s dreadful enough to fall in love with a real woman and know that she’s unattai
nable, but a phantom – let alone some infernal harpy dragging me into a realm of blackness. The most natural thing would be to run from Her – and yet one feels compelled to crawl towards Her like a squirrel into the open jaws of a python. No wonder you went half-mad, I might go entirely insane. Ugh! Away with this! But the void of the future lies ahead of me ... Are you aware, Errata, that – at this moment – I can hardly – see you?”

  “My darling, who would know that any better than I? Perhaps I will have to be the one to hold you up ...”

  “Continue!” he convulsed like a dying man. “Oh, what an idiot I’ve been till now, blinded for so long by the greatest of all stupidities, which we call unsuperstitiousness. It’s no wonder the soul resists the notion of spectres with all available means; the breath of a ghost kills with greater certainty than all the mitrailleuses in the world ... It doesn’t kill everyone ... not someone who is not in love, who has not lost his mind. Fortunate are those whose mind and will remain in command, both here and in the hereafter. Mine have just flown off – but they will fly back! Continue!”

  “I didn’t believe it myself at first, just as none of the villains here believe it today. But what the mind does not believe, the heart does. And in the end the intellect does, too; what else is left for it to do?

  “So then: why did I not leave immediately and for good on that Sunday, as my dread had resolved for me? She enticed me, as did you, sir – my dear ...

  “And then that dreadful day dawned. Early in the morning, as was my custom, I went for a walk in the forest at the foot of Stag’s Head. I wished to see Her, but was afraid of doing so ten times more. The deeper I went into the forest, the greater grew my fear, until finally I abruptly turned round to run back whence I had come – and I saw Her one step ahead of me ... I dropped to my knees. She raised me up and said with an enchanting smile: ‘It seems the numbskulls here have told you all kinds of tales about me! I’m always happy to lead people by the nose. Come, climb up with me, I will explain everything to you.’ She said it so commandingly that I obeyed like a puppet. She told me how in the summer She always stays in a hamlet on the other side of Stag’s Head, how having heard about the legend of a young woman who haunts the mountain She had decided to reinforce the locals in their superstition, and every so often She would appear at various strange times in outlandish attire, acting so bizarrely that all scarpered before Her in horror. ‘Perhaps,’ She said, ‘there is something appalling about my face, perhaps I wield a certain power of animal magnetism, judging by the emotions I sense I have aroused in you. But a lady as intelligent as you would not believe such ridiculous old wives’ tales. Today I will show you a comedy you will not soon forget, but for that we need to climb up very, very high. – Would you like to?’ Though posed as a question, how commanding it was! I would have liked to reply: ‘Forgive me, not today.’ It was already on the tip of my tongue, but some Satanic power put these words in my mouth instead: ‘With the greatest pleasure.’ Seeing that my will was paralysed, She made no more efforts to convince me, and we ascended almost without conversing. Oh, how dreadful were those hours! Like a dog I scurried behind Her; if She had thrown herself into the chasm, I would have thrown myself in after Her. We climbed higher and higher and were almost beneath the summit. She was becoming more and more nebulous and ghastly – finally I plucked up enough courage to manage: ‘I have to turn back now’ – yet at that very moment She anticipated me and said: ‘Let’s rest!’ and I lay down next to Her like a lamb. She was now constantly biting her lips, and Her body seemed to be writhing in pain. After a while She walked behind the adjacent crag. I felt mortally weak like never before, more than was possible to explain by fatigue and agitation, yet even so my limbs felt lighter than ever before, as if they’d lost almost all their weight. Truly, some moments I couldn’t even see my own body. Finally She appeared, cheery and carefree. ‘Upwards! We’ll be there soon!’ – and Her lips pressed mine. We climbed up to the glacier miraculously quick. My limbs became lighter and lighter, and She helped me along. Shortly I felt as though lead were being poured into my veins ... , and She was also becoming weaker, more sullen, until finally She said She would walk behind me. Her footsteps sounded odd, pattering softly, at times becoming almost inaudible, but for a long time I did not have the courage to turn round. Finally – – and horror! Her figure was flickering strangely, translucent like a column of water. I know for certain that I could see the crags through Her head. I sank to the ground, everything around was growing dark. And when everything started to brighten once more, She stood before me, laughing: ‘What scared you so, madam?’ I told Her. ‘That’s perfectly natural: everything flickers, disperses before the eyes, when one is about to faint – exhaustion, the thin, uncommon air at high altitudes – be so kind as to forgive me if I have caused you discomfort, you shall be richly recompensed.’ She continued to laugh, while wiping away the blood running from her gnawed fingers and lips. ‘For that matter, I am awfully nervous as well, and I’ve had a seizure, but I’m fine now. Upwards!’ And with all the strength I had left I walked, She behind me. I felt as though some vampire were sucking the life out of me. The footsteps behind me began to fade again ... Seized with a sudden dread I looked round – – and She was nowhere to be seen, even though I had heard Her just a few seconds before, even though that part of the mountain was entirely flat with no rocky outcrops, no hollows. Then, insane with fear, I started running head over heels down the mountain. ‘Off you go, off you go into the abyss that awaits you,’ I heard behind me, all around me, but looking round again I did not see Her. Down, down! Then I heard your voice from the side, I recognised you. Naturally, in my terror I took you for another spectre in league with Her against me. Only much further down when I saw that neither you nor Her were in pursuit, when I had composed myself a little, I thought: ‘Maybe he is Her victim, maybe She wanted to show me his death.’ So I shouted at you to turn back, that your demise awaited you up there. But you did not hear me, or did not wish to. I’m glad she didn’t wring your neck up there – and now it is your turn to tell me what happened to you!”

  “I’ll tell you later. Now tell me what has become of you since. Quickly, time is ticking away. Did you see Her after that?”

  “A hundred times! Constantly. They call it hallucinating, but it is only the true vision of the truth. I am no longer able to distinguish Her from this table, or from you for instance; you saw that a moment ago – I thought you were a phantom. Only those who have experienced neither dreaming nor waking distinguish between the two – and dreaming is the same as vision and as death. These people here don’t know this, and that is why I’m in a lunatic asylum. – She had lunch with me, washed with me from the same basin, tried on my dresses, She even polished my shoes once – and how many times has She slept by my side! But no one save myself has ever seen Her; so either I am mad or – everyone else is. I think it’s them, even if there were a thousand jackasses here, they would make no more sense than a single one. Only you, you understand me! With you I will be of sound mind! The two of us will somehow make it work sensibly, even with Orea, won’t we? We can even have a child together. We’ll be all the happier for having been as unhappy as we’ve been till now. After all, beautiful weather eventually follows bad.”

  “Darling, the facts, quick!”

  “All right then, calm down. I have not been to Stag’s Head since. I’ve wanted to go. ‘It would put an end to my suffering,’ I told myself, but did not have the courage. What would have been the point of going there? I had Her here by my side all the time. So dreadfully close. Can you imagine it? Feeling boundless terror of Her, you tell yourself: ‘No, I will no longer think about Her!’ The terror slowly recedes – and then comes desire – ‘to see Her just one more time and die’ – you tell yourself – and you see Her again, and it’s a wonder you do not die – and so it goes on and on in a vicious circle. I kept it a secret for a long time. Then I began to babble. My relatives – I am rich – hoped I would die. They brou
ght in a psychiatrist to examine me. They bribed the villain, and he pretended to be a distant relative. If I had told him I was having hallucinations, they would have put me in some sanatorium for people with neurological disorders and nervous dispositions, but because I passionately advocated my conviction that Orea is a higher – more real – reality, I am here. Oh, the lunacy of humankind! But I don’t condemn them, every little earthworm knows why it burrows into the soil –”

  At that moment the door flew open, and a person wearing eyeglasses burst in, his eyes full of dumb rage.

  “That’s him, the psychiatrist, the villain they paid off!” Errata cried out. “Darling Sider, protect me from him! Madness is hurtling towards me again – that – that – buttered bread roll –”

  “You rogue, what are you doing here?” the professor screamed at Sider. “Which of the rascals here allowed you to – and you, you demented woman,” he turned sharply towards Errata, grabbed her by the hair, and slapped her down into the chair. “That’s your place, you animal!”