Save The Date

by K. S. Thomas

  “How?”

  “She’s married to the groom’s little brother now. Small world, huh?”

  “No shit.” The wheels in my head were turning rapidly as I tried to collect all of the information I had come in contact with regarding this woman since arriving in Kentucky. Then it hit me. Shauna was a mom. She had a daughter. My mind was racing. How old had Savannah said she was? It had to be less than four, right? No. There had been talk of school. Talk of a dance. Next year? Yes. Shauna had joked about saving her bridesmaid’s gown for her. First dance. When was that? Sixth grade? So, she was eleven? No, younger. Ten. Maybe nine.

  Panic struck me as I counted back the years during which Emerson had said they’d been together. Then, as if he’d been reading my mind, his two fingers came up under my chin, gently raising my gaze to meet his eyes.

  “Mackenzie isn’t my daughter. Shauna was pregnant already when we got together.”

  I waited, but there was no moment of relief. “Oh.” Then, something inside me shifted. I stepped back, out of Emerson’s arms. Suddenly, they didn’t feel so safe anymore.

  “Liss.” He tried to take my hand again, but I moved it before he could reach it.

  “No,” I whispered, shaking my head as I turned and started to walk from the room, gaining speed the further I got from him.

  Before I knew it I was out in the parking lot with nowhere to go. Face to face with nothing but cars as far as the eye could see and the black of night, a sob escaped me. I buried my face in my hands, closing my eyes and trying to shut out the world, or at the very least, Kentucky.

  When I finally got ahold of myself again, I took a deep breath and prepared to head back to the restaurant in hopes that someone inside would be able to find me a cab. With all the determination I could muster, I spun myself back around. And there he was. Emerson.

  “What are you doing out here?” My voice sounded strange. Hollow.

  “You’re out here.” As if it was that simple.

  “I think you missed the point of my dramatic exit.” I directed my gaze back at the cars. They were easier to look at.

  “No, I got it. You were making a run for it. That was pretty clear.”

  “Yeah, well, you’ve kind of ruined the gesture by following me.” The emptiness was quickly filling up with anger.

  “What about what you’re ruining by running out? Huh?”

  Automatically my head turned toward him, challenged by his words, and then instantly defeated by the look in his eyes. He was in pain. I was causing him pain. But then he had hurt me, too.

  “You should have told me. You let me walk in here and be completely blindsided. You had to have known she would be here. Had to have known I’d find out, that I’d put it all together. You should have done it for me.” I wanted to shout. Wanted to scream and unleash the fury building up within me, but I didn’t.

  “I know. I know I should have told you. I wanted to. But when I first told you about Shauna…I saw the panic in your eyes. And you admitted it. You told me yourself that you were ready to bolt.” He looked almost helpless.

  “Yes, but I didn’t. I stayed. Because of you. Because I believed that I was safe with you. No matter what.”

  “You are.”

  “No. I’m not. Not when I can walk into a room and find myself face to face with your ex-fiancée and find myself adding and subtracting the years trying to determine if you’re a father or not.”

  He sighed. “I told you, she’s not my daughter.”

  “Yeah. Technically. But you were with her mother while she was pregnant. You were going to marry her. On some level, you must have felt like she was.” My eyes were locked onto him now, searching for some sign, anything that would explain to me what had happened. Why he had chosen to keep something so big from me, especially when my finding out had been inevitable. But he had lowered his own gaze and was staring at the ground.

  “Lissy.” When he finally looked up again, his eyes were glazed with the threat of tears. “We’ve had less than two weeks together and two decades of life to catch up on. There are a million things about me I haven’t told you yet, but that doesn’t mean I don’t intend to. Yes, I knew you’d find out about Shauna tonight. And yeah, I knew it was possible that you knew she had a child and that you would wonder what part I had played in that. But Shauna and Mackenzie are not a part of my life I enjoy talking about. And I wasn’t prepared to taint the happiness I’ve felt with you until it was absolutely necessary. Clearly, I misjudged the timing.” He took several steps toward me and this time, I didn’t try to back away. “Shauna was three months pregnant when I met her. I was twenty-four, working in construction. She was alone and living in her car in a lot near the jobsite I was on. She’d left her boyfriend when she found out she was pregnant. He’d been abusive in the past and she was afraid of what he might do to the baby.” He was biting the inside of his cheek. “Thing is, my mother went through the same thing. Before she started working as Spence’s nanny, we’d gone back and forth between shelters and an old Chevy impala for two years.”

  I held my breath listening to him speak. It didn’t matter what else he had to say. I’d already forgiven him.

  “When Shauna first moved in, we weren’t a couple. We barely knew each other. I was just helping her out and then things just evolved. Honestly, Liss, I don’t know that I ever really loved her, but she needed me. There was the baby, and then postpartum depression…only we were both so young and we didn’t know…things got bad and she spiraled out of control and started drinking. By the time I understood what had happened, she had a problem with booze. It was a mess, Liss. And then there was Mackenzie. And wouldn’t you know it, she had these big brown eyes…” A bittersweet smile formed on his lips. “And I couldn’t help but be reminded of the little girl with pigtails from that summer at the lake house who had first taught me what it meant to be needed. And, so, I stayed with Shauna. I became the kind of man they could both depend on. But none of that mattered, because really, neither one of us was in love with the other. We’d just been going through the motions for so long we’d lost sight of it somewhere along the way.”

  For a moment I was certain she’d walk away. Maybe she should have. Maybe I deserved it. I hadn’t lied to her, but I hadn’t exactly been honest either. Not because I was trying to deceive her, but because I was afraid she would look at me differently. Look at me the way she was doing now.

  “What happened to Mackenzie? Do you still talk to her?”

  It wasn’t the kind of question I had expected, although, all things considered, I should have.

  “Not anymore. I did. I didn’t want to just disappear out of her life, I mean, I’d been there from the day she was born…but when things got serious between Shauna and Ryan, I knew it was causing problems for them. Causing problems for Mack. I’m not her dad. I’m never going to be. But Ryan is now. He adopted her, made it official after the wedding.” It hadn’t been easy. I may not have loved Shauna the way I should have, but I had always loved Mackenzie as if she was my own. Especially in the years when Shauna had been too messed up to take care of her and it had all fallen on me. Mack and I had been through hell and back together, only she would never remember it. In the end, letting go was the best thing I could do for her.

  “I’m sorry.”

  I was confused. My mind had been wandering. Maybe she had said something else and I had missed it. What on earth would she be apologizing for?

  “What?”

  “I’m sorry.” She said it again.

  “Liss?”

  Her face softened. No smile, but her eyes gazed at me with the same warmth I’d grown so accustomed to from her. “I get it. I understand why you didn’t tell me. And I’m not mad, but I don’t know if I can do this.”

  I took a small step toward her and it took an insane amount of restraint to stop there.

  There were tears in her eyes as she turned and walked away a second time. Watching the distance between us grow with each step she t
ook filled my chest with a sensation that made me feel like I’d been kicked by one of the horses. It was painful and it took my breath away and I knew it was only the beginning. This was what losing her would feel like. Only, I hadn’t lost her. Not yet. She just needed time. Or, at least that’s what I told myself.

  Chapter 12

  The remainder of the evening passed me by in a haze. I didn’t see Emerson again the rest of the night, but that didn’t really make matters any easier.

  By the time we got back to Ashcraft Farms I was exhausted and ready to bury my face in my pillow for a good cry. But first, I needed to make a pit stop in the kitchen for something sweet and fattening. Pattie was bound to have a stash of baked goods somewhere. It didn’t take me long to find it either. The air was still filled with the sweet scent of brownies when I walked in.

  I was busy piling up brownie chunks in a large bowl and smothering them in chocolate syrup and ice cream when Noonie Skeeter walked in and I stared back at her like a deer caught in the headlights.

  “Rough night, darlin’?” She smiled warmly and squeezed my chocolate dispensing hand, gently lowering it back down to the counter.

  “I was just in the mood for something sweet.” And enough chocolate to send a bear into a diabetic coma.

  “Alright, if that’s all it is, I won’t say another word about it. But, before I let you go for the night, I will tell you this. We don’t choose our soul mates. We don’t choose who they are or when they show up in our lives. We don’t choose the circumstances or the settin’. It just happens. The only choice we have is whether we acknowledge it or not and if it’s worth the fight. The most spectacular things in life are rarely easy, Calista. Simple perhaps, but never easy.” She paused. “Ask your mama sometime. She’ll tell you.”

  I had no idea how to respond after any of that. As much as I had toyed around with the idea of Emerson and I being destined in some way, it sounded more than just a little dramatic coming from my grandmother. And what was she implying about my mother? The only soul mate she’d ever eluded to had been herself. It certainly hadn’t been my father and she had made zero effort after the divorce to find anyone else.

  Apparently, Noonie wasn’t waiting for an answer from me. She just poured herself a glass of water, kissed my cheek and then left again without saying another word.

  Feeling even more confused than I already was, I meandered out of the kitchen and made my way up the stairs. Walking down the hallway toward my bedroom, I passed the room my mother was supposed to be staying in. The door was ajar and the lights were out.

  I knocked and slowly slid it open all the way. “Ma? You in here?”

  The room was completely empty and the light in the attached bath was also out. There was no sign of her anywhere. Which could only lead me to one conclusion. She was waiting for me in my room likely planning to dole out her own version of wisdom same as Noonie had down in the kitchen.

  I put a giant spoonful of brownie into my mouth and made my walk of surrender down the hall in preparation of what lie ahead. Only my room was just as dark and deserted as hers had been. She had to be here somewhere and unless she was bunking with Noonie and Poppy for the night, there was really only one other place left to look.

  I felt like Belle in Beauty and the Beast as I made my way up to the third floor as if I was entering the forbidden west wing of the castle. Sure enough, when I arrived upstairs, there was a sliver of light shining out from below the door of my mother’s childhood room.

  Rapping my knuckles across the wood as I turned the knob, I let myself in.

  “Ma?”

  She was sitting on her old bed, not really doing anything. Just sitting.

  “I hope you brought a second spoon,” she said eyeing my bowl.

  “No, but I can go get one.” I was halfway out the door again.

  “It’s fine. You look like you need it more than I do anyway.” She patted the mattress beside her for me to come and sit.

  “What are you doing up here? Little trip down memory lane?” Even with her sitting smack dab in the middle of it all, I still couldn’t imagine my mother actually living in this room.

  “Something like that.” She smiled, but there was a strange sadness in her eyes and I couldn’t help but wonder if it was tied to the unsettling vibe I got every time I walked through that doorway.

  “Ma, what died in here?” I was half joking as I pointed at the dreary drapery which clearly added to the haunted ambiance of the space.

  Her response was the last thing I expected.

  “I did.” She sighed heavily. “Or at least, a part of me.”

  “What are you talking about?” Was I about to find out exactly why my mother had abandoned Kentucky and every Ashcraft with it?

  She glanced down at my bowl and using her two fingers scooped out a glob of chocolate and ice cream which she then dropped into her mouth in what was the least sophisticated gesture I’d ever witnessed from her.

  “That was ladylike,” I mumbled.

  She grinned. “I’ve got no one left to impress.” She sucked her thumb loudly, removing any leftover chocolate. “I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you. Honestly, I’m surprised you didn’t stumble upon this little bit of history on your own already. On second thought, it’s probably still swept under the rug in true Ashcraft fashion.” She stood up from the bed and walked over to an old bookcase in the corner of her room. For a moment she just stood there. Then, slowly she reached up and retrieved a picture frame from the top shelf. Those things seemed to be hidden everywhere around here.

  “When I was eighteen I met a boy named Jake. His father was Dan Rimmel, our feed supplier back then. After high school, Jake started working for him making deliveries, and so he and I crossed paths.”

  “I take it Jake was your first love?” I had a spoon full of brownie and ice-cream in my hand but wasn’t entirely sure whether or not it was appropriate to eat under the circumstances.

  “Jake was more than my first love. He was my only love.” She glanced down at the picture in her hands longingly. Without even turning in my direction she said, “Cal you’ll be wearing that soon if you don’t stick it in your mouth already.”

  How did she always do that?

  “Ma,” my mouth was full now, having followed orders automatically, “if you were so in love with him, what happened?”

  “Our families. Poppy had a shit fit when he found out. Said no daughter of his was going to marry the feed guy. Meanwhile, Jake’s mom was beside herself when she heard about us because I wasn’t exactly the sweet little girl she had envisioned for her baby boy.”

  I peered over at her skeptically. My mother was the most sophisticated and proper woman I had ever met. “Who did she want him to marry? Little Debbie?”

  She laughed. “Not exactly, but close. I know me being your mom and all it’s probably hard for you to imagine me being any other way than I’ve been since you’ve known me, but the truth is, I was quite the wild child in my younger years.”

  I twisted my mouth to keep from laughing. Of course she noticed.

  “It’s true, Cal. Make fun of me all you want, but I was trouble. Not just because I was runnin’ around with a boy my father didn’t like, but in general. I was loud and strong-willed. Took a lot of risks. Ask Noonie Skeeter. I made her crazy for a long time.”

  “So then what happened?”

  “Jake broke up with me.” She came and sat down next to me again. “We were all set to take off together. Start our own lives. Away from everyone telling us what we could and couldn’t do. Then, the night we were supposed to leave I stood out by the gate, my bags packed, waiting for him to come and get me, only when he finally showed up it was to say good bye.”

  She was keeping it together in true Sophie Luvalle fashion, but I could tell that her heart was aching even after all these years.

  “Why?”

  She shrugged, lips pressed together tightly. “Said that our parents were right. Not for the reason
s they thought, but for reasons he couldn’t ignore any longer. When I tried to argue with him, he just went silent. Stone cold. It hurt worse than anything he could have said to me. So, I said good bye and watched him drive off into the night without me.”

  I was holding my breath. “Then what?”

  “Then I marched my pissed off ass back up to the house, stole the keys to Poppy’s truck and never looked back.”

  I couldn’t believe it. After all this time, I finally understood. “You left for New York that night?”

  She nodded. “Poppy was mad as hell, but Noonie Skeeter kept him from coming after me. I think she’d known all along I was leaving with or without Jake. Only difference was, now I wasn’t too keen on ever coming back.”

  She handed me the picture she’d been holding this entire time. It was my mother. She was laughing and wrapped up in the arms of a man. It was strange to see her with someone other than my father. Even stranger when I realized I’d never seen her that happy during all the years they’d been married.

  “Do you ever regret it?”

  “No.” She took my hand and looked me straight in the eyes. “I could never regret anything that led me to you, Calista.”

  It was so like her to make me feel better in the midst of her own heartbreak. My gaze dropped back down to the picture. “Hey. Wait a minute. I know this guy. He was at the party tonight! You were talking to him! Oh my GOD! Was that the first time you’d seen him since the night he dumped you?”

  She made a face. “Gee, thanks for being so tactful with your choice of words, Cal. Yes, that was Jake tonight. And yes, it was the first time I’d seen him in twenty-five years.”

  My eyes were still wide from the realization. “What did he say? What was it like?”

  “He said a lot of things, none of which I’m going to repeat to you. And, it was strange at first, but then he laughed and it was still him. The same boy I fell in love with once upon a time.”

  She smiled, but it was bittersweet.