Just Friends

by Tina T. Kove

  It boiled inside me and if they kept butting into my business I would erupt.

  ‘They were only trying to help, you know.’ Tarjei only said that when we were on our way home.

  ‘I don’t need help,’ I snapped, staring out the passenger window of his car. ‘I’ve got everything under control.’

  He was silent.

  ‘What?’ I turned to face him, even angrier now. ‘You think I don’t have things under control?’

  ‘I don’t know why you’re so pissed off.’ His fingers clenched around the steering wheel.

  We were nearing downtown now.

  ‘You can let me off at the bus stop after the gas station,’ I said curtly. ‘I’m going home.’

  ‘Ben—’

  ‘Do it.’

  He sighed, but blinked and turned into the bus stop once we reached it. ‘See you tomorrow then?’

  ‘We’ll see.’ I slammed the door and walked away. Rage boiled and I wanted to scream.

  I didn’t know why though—it wasn’t like something terrible had happened. Except everyone butting into my business. That was bad enough, really.

  But the further away I walked, the more I calmed down. The more I felt ashamed at the way I’d spoken to him.

  I really did suck at this. I was the worst boyfriend ever.

  It wasn’t Tarjei’s fault Kristina and Jo had started talking about shit they knew nothing about. Though he had defended them.

  By the time I made it home, my mood was still alternating between being angry and miserable at life in general, angry at Kristina and Jo in particular, or being ashamed at how I’d treated Tarjei.

  I was getting off to a great start. If I continued like this my new relationship wouldn’t last another two days.

  I hurried down the stairs once I got home, eager to avoid everyone, but backtracked to Andreas’s bedroom door once I was past it.

  Andreas and Alex were on the sofa, watching the telly. They were on the sofa, sharing the three-seater, but they weren’t sitting particularly close.

  Andreas switched through channels, and they talked and laughed together.

  They were a couple. But they didn’t look like one. Sure, they were intimate and all, but around other people, they usually kept their hands to themselves. They were comfortable around each other though.

  So why did I feel so uncomfortable when I was out and about with Tarjei?

  I knocked on the door.

  Two heads turned towards me.

  ‘You guys busy?’

  Alex was sitting cross-legged on the sofa with a book open in front of him. Andreas was the one slacking off with the telly, it seemed.

  ‘Nope.’ Alex’s gaze was attentive as he looked at me.

  I sank down gingerly on the edge of their bed, one arm pressed to my side.

  ‘Your ribs hurt?’ Alex zeroed in on the movement, and Andreas twisted around so he could look at me now too.

  ‘Yeah.’ There was no use lying about that. But I didn’t want to talk about my ribs. Or my face. Or anything related to how they both got so messed up.

  ‘So what’s up?’ That was Andreas.

  ‘I don’t know if you’ve heard—?’ I hedged.

  They both blinked.

  ‘Heard what?’ Andreas asked, while Alex only looked at me curiously.

  So Thomas hadn’t told them. Not that Thomas was in the habit of sharing other peoples’ businesses, but I’d figured this was share-worthy news.

  ‘I’m in a relationship.’

  ‘You are?’ Alex was surprised, but delightedly so. ‘With who?’

  ‘Tarjei.’ Alex knew I’d been shagging him for years. I’d told him that piece of information myself. Andreas also knew. He’d known a hell of a lot longer than Alex.

  They smiled.

  ‘That’s great, Ben,’ Andreas offered.

  ‘Don’t get too attached to it, I doubt it’ll last,’ I said glumly, staring at the wall over Alex’s shoulder.

  ‘Why?’ Alex frowned.

  ‘I’ve messed up. I keep messing up. It’s only been two weeks, but… I just fuck it up.’ Maybe I should ring Tarjei and apologise. But apologising wasn’t my thing. It wasn’t something I ever did. The words stuck in my throat and refused to come out.

  ‘What’d you do?’ That was Andreas and he gave me a look that clearly said this was all my fault.

  ‘Acted like a miserable twat, basically.’ I shrugged like it didn’t matter, but it did. ‘Kristina and Jo started in on me and I got annoyed. Took it out on him a bit.’

  Andreas’s lips tightened. Alex frowned slightly.

  ‘Go on,’ I urged. ‘Tell me what a tosser I am.’ I could tell Andreas wanted to.

  ‘I’m not going to do that.’ Andreas bowed his head.

  ‘How do you two do it?’ I asked instead.

  ‘Do what?’ Alex wasn’t following me.

  ‘What do you do when you fight?’ I glanced between them, interested in knowing the answer.

  ‘We don’t really fight.’ Alex frowned thoughtfully. ‘I don’t think we’ve ever really—Nope.’

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

  ‘How can you not fight? Everyone fights once in a while.’

  ‘We don’t.’ Alex shrugged.

  ‘You don’t argue at all?’

  ‘Not really.’ Andreas glanced at Alex with a small smile.

  ‘That’s impossible.’ It had to be. All couples had disagreements, surely? If the perfect relationship was one where you didn’t fight, didn’t argue, where you got along all the bloody time… then Tarjei and I were doomed.

  I was doomed. Because I was moody—and I got on people’s nerves because of it. I didn’t mince my words. I said what I thought. And I wasn’t always nice about it.

  ‘Everyone’s different,’ Alex said, trying to appease me.

  It didn’t help any.

  ‘Want to go out with me?’

  ‘Out where?’ Alex glanced down at his book.

  ‘Out to a pub. A club. Drinking.’

  ‘I don’t like to drink.’ He grimaced.

  ‘Just come out and keep me company while I drink then.’ I wanted to get rat-arsed drunk. That was the only thing I was good at.

  Well, that and sex. Maybe once I was drunk I could go over to Tarjei’s and have wild, hot sex with him.

  Except for the fact, I wasn’t all about sex anymore. Sex was all I was good at though. So that was what Tarjei got. Besides, sex was amazing. Who could possibly say no? Surely not Tarjei. He liked it just as much as I did.

  Alex bit his lower lip, unsure. He glanced at Andreas.

  ‘Come on!’ I looked to Andreas, knowing I had to talk him into this to get Alex to come along. ‘We’ve never been out drinking together.’

  ‘Sure we have,’ Andreas said, thoughtfully. ‘New Years Eve. We were out then.’

  I thought back. And I had to think really hard. ‘You were at the same house party I was at. That’s not the same.’ So not the same.

  ‘Okay then.’ Andreas rolled his eyes. ‘Let’s go out. But I’m not drinking. We’ve got school tomorrow.’

  Fuck school.

  ‘As long as I get to drink, I really don’t care what you two choose to do.’ I sprang off the bed—forgetting my ribs in the process—and gasped as pain flashed through me.

  ‘Be careful, Ben.’ Andreas was half-way off the sofa.

  ‘Fine. I’m fine.’ I waved his concern off. ‘Let’s get ready!’

  A night out drinking. That was exactly what I needed right now.

  Nirvana was crowded, as usual.

  ‘What about school tomorrow?’ Alex shouted in my ear as we made our way through the throng towards the bar. ‘Shouldn’t we just go home?’

  ‘Who fucking cares about school?’ School could go fuck itself. It wasn’t like I was going to graduate with excellent grades anyway. If I passed it would be a miracle.

  ‘What about your injuries?’ Alex went for a different tactic. ‘Your rib
s still hurt.’

  ‘I don’t plan on doing anything with my ribs.’ I could drink fine even with healing bones.

  Alex didn’t seem entirely comfortable, but all that was in my mind was alcohol. And lots of it.

  ‘You like this place?’ Alex glanced around, at the crowd around the bar, at the crowd on the dance floor, at all the people crowded around all the tables. The place was overflowing.

  Even early on a Sunday. That was weird. It was usually filled on Fridays and Saturdays, but Sundays tended to be calmer.

  ‘I love it. I’d fucking live here if I could.’ And I meant it. This was totally my scene. The posh arseholes kept to the fancier places, and here were the people who weren’t so obsessed over status and looking good and spending their money on the most expensive champagne. These were my kind of people, through and through.

  I ordered two shots and a drink. The shots I downed one after the other, but I sipped more carefully at the drink. I hadn’t eaten much today, and I didn’t want to get too drunk too fast. I was out with Andreas and Alex, after all, so I had to think about them too and not just make a tit of myself.

  Alex leant on the counter next to me, a small, unsure smile on his lips. He was cute. I’d always thought so. If he hadn’t been Andreas’s guy I would’ve totally gone for him. Almost had that day he was first over at our house, if Andreas hadn’t been such a possessive fucker.

  They were great together though.

  Alex shone when he was in Andreas’s company. Andreas made him better. Our arms were the same, scars upon scars, but whereas I had tattooed my arms to try and hide it, Alex’s arms were bare under his shirt. His scars were on full display if he didn’t wear long sleeves.

  Andreas pressed up close to Alex’s back, looking around with a neutral expression on his face. He should be into this too. Before he met Alex, he was out drinking every single weekend.

  I slurped the rest of my drink, then turned to order another shot and drink.

  ‘They do karaoke here?’ Alex had caught sight of the karaoke machine.

  ‘Oh yeah.’ That was another fun part of being in this particular bar. Seeing people make a complete tit of themselves while drunk and singing karaoke was hilarious.

  It wasn’t my plan to make an arse out of myself, but after more shots, it seemed like the perfect idea to get up there in front of the karaoke machine.

  I didn’t remember the song, all I remembered was how I felt. I hadn’t sung in front of people in a long time—since my last exam before Christmas, most likely. And it was great!

  ‘Come on, Ben.’ Andreas’s arm was around me. ‘Time to get you home.’ He steered me through the throng of people.

  ‘Home? Why?’ I didn’t want to go home.

  ‘Because you’re drunk.’

  ‘No, I’m not.’ So wasn’t.

  ‘You are.’ Andreas didn’t let me go and I found I was too dizzy to fight him. He was stronger than me anyway, so it wasn’t like I could’ve even if I’d wanted to. He led me down the stairs, past coat check, and then outside.

  ‘I don’t want to go home.’ I breathed in the fresh air, hoping the world would stop spinning.

  Alex stood next to me, tapping his foot as he glanced from me to Andreas.

  ‘I want to go home,’ Andreas said in a sharp tone, ‘and I’m not leaving you here. God knows what’ll happen to you.’

  ‘Nothing’s going to happen to me.’ I waved his concern away. Why was everyone so bloody concerned about me? I didn’t need them to be. I was fine.

  ‘You can’t even walk straight.’

  ‘I want to see Tarjei.’ I looked to both sides. Which way led to his flat again? I was so dizzy I couldn’t actually see much around me. Which way was left? Where was right?

  Andreas grabbed a hold of me again.

  ‘Hey!’ I tried to push away, but he held on.

  ‘You nearly fell on your face.’ He straightened me. ‘Come on. Let’s go home.’

  ‘No.’ I shook my head. Which was not a good idea. The world spun faster. ‘Tarjei.’

  ‘I don’t know where he lives.’

  ‘That way.’ I pointed ahead. I could distinguish the different directions now. Or I could see the library, anyway, and it wasn’t far from that.

  ‘Andreas, we should take him home,’ Alex said in a low voice.

  ‘Can’t force him if he doesn’t want to.’ Andreas held on to me as we started walking.

  I definitely wasn’t good at this whole walking thing, because I kept bumping into him.

  ‘Is this normal for you?’ Alex asked, voice still low.

  ‘What is?’ Was he talking to me now? Or was he still talking to Andreas?

  ‘Getting so drunk?’ He was talking to me, considering I was the only one who was drunk.

  ‘I guess.’ I liked being drunk. It made me feel good. Made me forget.

  ‘Should you even be drinking on your antidepressants?’

  ‘Who the fuck cares. Am weaning off them. They’re shit.’ My doctor agreed they weren’t the antidepressants for me.

  ‘But you’re not off them. You’re still taking them.’ Alex frowned at me. I could see it out of the corner of my eye. ‘Shouldn’t you stay away from alcohol when you’re on them? Mine says so. Doesn’t yours?’

  ‘Sure they do. But who cares?’ All pills said to avoid this or avoid that, and side effects could be everything on the goddamn surface of the earth. ‘They list everything so they don’t get a lawsuit if something does happen. It doesn’t matter.’

  ‘It does,’ Alex pressed, but I ignored it.

  ‘Here.’ I pulled Andreas with me around the turn in the sidewalk, around the corner of one of the town’s hotels. It also had a bar. But it was boring. People milled there too, but it was older people. People who went out to socialise, not to get drunk.

  Alex followed us down the street towards the shopping centre. Tarjei lived in a flat above it, and the door to the street was unlocked. We walked right in, over to Tarjei’s door, and I held the doorbell in like I always did.

  The door soon opened and Tarjei stood there. He hadn’t been asleep this time, because he seemed wide awake. He was also dressed in joggers and a hooded jumper.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Andreas said because I’d apparently become tongue-tied by the sight of him. ‘He wanted to come here. I thought it was better to follow him than try to force him home. Or leave him back at the bar.’

  ‘Lots better. Thanks.’ Tarjei smiled at Andreas. His gaze flitted behind us to Alex, but he didn’t say anything to him.

  I unhooked my arm from around Andreas’s and fell against Tarjei. He wrapped his arms around me and all felt right in the world again.

  ‘You sure you’re okay?’ Alex hovered at Andreas’s side now, biting his lip.

  I waved him off, burying my face in Tarjei’s neck.

  ‘See you tomorrow then.’ That was Andreas, and then I heard two pairs of feet scuffle against the floor as they walked away.

  Tarjei dragged me with him into the flat and locked the door after us.

  ‘How much have you had to drink?’ He deposited me on the sofa, where I lay staring up at the ceiling.

  ‘Don’t know.’ I really didn’t. I couldn’t remember.

  ‘Here. Drink some water.’

  I pushed up on my elbows and let him put a glass to my lips. I swallowed dutifully as I looked up at his worried expression.

  I had no idea why he worried so much about me. Why he cared so much.

  ‘Why do you put up with me?’ It was easy to ask when I was drunk. If I’d been sober I never would’ve opened my mouth.

  ‘You know why.’ He stared down at me.

  ‘No, I don’t.’

  ‘We’ve already had this conversation.’ His brows knitted together. ‘Or have you forgotten?’

  ‘I still don’t understand,’ I whined, drunk and confused and miserable. ‘What is it about me that’s kept you around for all these years? No one else sticks around. Nik’s fucke
d off. He’s the only friend I have.’

  ‘Andreas’s boyfriend is your friend,’ Tarjei said softly. ‘He seemed really worried about you. As did Andreas, who’s family.’

  ‘They’ll both fuck off in a couple of months.’ I dropped my hand over my eyes because they’d started to burn. ‘I don’t have any friends.’

  ‘You just need to get out there.’ Tarjei stepped in-between the sofa and the table and sat down next to my head. He stroked my hair. ‘You’ve been too obsessed with Nik for so long…’ He sighed. ‘But I’m here for you. I’m not going anywhere.’

  ‘But you’re not my friend,’ I mumbled.

  ‘I am, Ben. I am your friend. And your boyfriend. I can be both, you know.’

  ‘Why would you want to?’ I sat up so quickly the world started spinning around me again. Not to mention my ribs ached. I closed my eyes and pressed my hands to them, hoping the dizziness would pass quickly. ‘I’ve always been in love with Nik. But you’ve been around. Maybe I’m still in love with Nik.’

  That hurt him, I could tell from the way he sat back and his expression shuttered.

  ‘No, Tarjei, I didn’t—’ I didn’t mean to hurt you. But I couldn’t get myself to say it.

  ‘Just tell me the truth, Ben.’ He didn’t look at me. He only crossed his arms over his chest and stared down at his knees. ‘Are you with me because I’m the only one here and available?’

  ‘Wha—No!’ I wasn’t. ‘I don’t think so.’

  He let out another deep sigh, then stood up. ‘Come on, I’ll drive you home.’

  ‘Tarjei—’

  But he’d already walked towards the hall.

  ‘Tarjei, please.’

  Don’t fuck this up, I told myself. Or don’t fuck it up any more than I already had. Make amends!

  I wanted to run after him, and I tried, but my feet didn’t collaborate with me. It ended with me falling flat on my face against the rug on the floor.

  ‘Oww—dammit.’

  ‘Ben.’ He crouched in front of me.

  I pushed up on my knees and looked up at him through my messy fringe. ‘I want to be with you.’

  ‘You just said you’re still in love with Nik.’ He looked away.

  ‘I can’t just turn it off. But I’m working on getting over it,’ I said. ‘I’m trying. And it’s not like I don’t like you, because I do.’