Mean and Shellfish

by Tamar Myers

  ‘I refuse to call what he has “charisma”, but whatever it is that he possesses, Melvin is able to manipulate others into doing his bidding. What I’m trying to say is, that even though it has been almost five years since this evil man was last seen out in the open, I’m sure it wouldn’t have been any trouble for him to secure a partner in crime. And it is most probably a woman; they seem to be suckers for his scrawny physique and bobbly head.’

  ‘Very interesting,’ Toy said. ‘Any guesses who this woman might be?’

  ‘My guess is that this woman is someone whom Melvin knew when he was the head of his cult. She might even have held a high position in that organization. My first thought was a woman by the name of Zelda Root, but poor Zelda was built like Ida, except taller – which still wouldn’t fit the description that Cheryl and the Hancocks gave. But then, as we both know, eyewitness accounts are notoriously inaccurate.’

  ‘My sister had a double mastectomy as a pre-emptive procedure,’ Toy said. ‘What I mean by that is maybe you shouldn’t rule out Miss Root. Her appearance could well have changed since you saw her last.’

  ‘Good point. I definitely want Little Jacob as far away from me as possible. After supper I’ll have Gabe drive our son into Pittsburgh, along with Ida and Cheryl, and they can all check into a motel there. Of course Agnes should go too.’

  ‘Aren’t you forgetting someone?’

  ‘Of course! The Hancocks. My guests from Texas. What should I say to them, besides the fact that if they stay here, they could be brutally murdered?’

  Toy squeezed my arm. ‘Someone else, Mags.’

  ‘No! I can’t leave. Don’t you see? I’m who Melvin wants! I’m the Melvin magnet. If I leave with my family, then he’ll search until he finds us. So I’d just be putting everyone in danger. You have to trust me on that.’ I started to walk faster to show that my mind was made up.

  Toy jerked me to a stop. ‘Don’t be a fool. What do you propose to do? Remain here like the proverbial sitting duck, until a pair of magenta ducks swoop in and knock you off in the middle of the night? Because frankly, as fond of you as I am, I feel it’s my duty to escort those folks back at your house to a safe place for the night.’

  ‘You’re choosing them over me?’ Admittedly, I whined. In retrospect, I should have been slapped – gently, maybe with a dandelion – for having been jealous at a time like that.

  ‘No. You’re doing the choosing. And shame on you for putting me in this position, I might add.’

  ‘Stop it, young man! Just stop it. I know Melvin Stoltzfus like the back of my liver-spotted hand; compared to me, you barely know him. But I tell you what, just to put your mind at ease, I will barricade myself in our master bath, which has no window, with a fully charged phone. Of course, I will have no weapons with me, except for the bestselling book of all time.’

  ‘The first Harry Potter book?’

  ‘No, silly, the Holy Bible.’

  Toy sighed. ‘Magdalena, you are as stubborn as a team of mules.’

  ‘I take that as a compliment,’ I said quite sincerely. ‘Now let’s put a move on it, because you’ll want to get out of here before dark, and I need to prepare my hideout. But first I insist on feeding everyone supper, and don’t be obstreperous and say you’ll eat on the road instead.’

  ‘OK, I acquiesce, but call me from your hideout the second you hear something going on outside. You promise?’

  ‘Yes, sir, Chief Toy Graham. But you still haven’t told me how to break it to the Texans.’

  ‘Leave that to me,’ Toy said. ‘Come on, let’s hurry.’

  Although we walked back from that point at a good clip, I still had to do the evening milking, since I’d given Rebecca the day off.

  Fortunately, Milchig, my dairy cow, wanted to be milked as badly as I needed to get the job done. Not wanting to take the time to pasteurize the milk, I poured it into a bucket and let Fleischig, the Angus calf, drink his full. Meanwhile Toy waited impatiently, peering out of the stall now and then, as if he expected to spot Melvin and his duck-faced accomplice at any moment.

  When I was through, he practically dragged me from the barn to the kitchen steps. ‘I’ll help you throw together a quick supper,’ he said. ‘We’ll make it soup and sandwiches.’

  ‘Actually, supper is already made – I think. Susannah and Gabe’s cousin Miriam drove into Bedford this morning and did the shopping for us. Miriam wants to treat us to something Australian.’

  Toy opened the door for me. ‘Kangaroo stew?’

  ‘That’s next week. Tonight it’s to be a seafood salad.’

  As the kitchen was devoid of people, Toy wasted no time in pushing open the swinging door to the dining room.

  ‘Voila,’ he said.

  ‘Voila indeed,’ I said. ‘What have we here?’

  Everyone was already seated at the dining-room table. In front of Gabe was an immense platter of Miriam’s tantalizing Australian seafood salad. Beside him was a stack of dinner plates, one for every person at the table, except for Little Jacob, because our son was already chowing down on a small pizza.

  ‘So what’s going on?’ I said. ‘Why didn’t you wait until I got back?’

  Gabe was just about to pass the first heaped plate of salad around the table, but instead he set it down in front of himself. ‘I tried texting and calling you, hon. You didn’t respond to either. My calls kept going straight to voicemail. Ma was getting hungry, and frankly, so was I. We were all expecting to get something for lunch from the venders during the festival, but you know how that went.’

  ‘Yah,’ Ida said. ‘Like my vurst nightmare.’

  ‘It’s Australian seafood salad,’ Agnes said helpfully. ‘Susannah and Miriam had it all prepared. Doesn’t it look yummy?’

  ‘We could eat it while it’s still fresh, if everyone will stop yammering,’ Delphia said. ‘You – the chubby woman who was just talking – pass the bread down here, will you? And pizza kid – how about you pass me the salt?’

  Agnes reached for the basket of freshly baked dinner rolls. Ten. But instead of passing the basket as she had been asked, Agnes set it down in front of her, and launched one of the pastries at Delphia’s head, hitting the Texan woman’s left temple. That certainly got Delphia’s attention, but Delphia had asked for more than one, so Agnes launched a second, this one hitting Delphia’s tongue, because her mouth was open in rage.

  I was gobsmacked by my best friend’s behaviour. Agnes is a college-educated, middle-class, God-fearing woman of a ‘certain age’. Of course, I am all these things as well, and I have been known to behave in an unorthodox manner upon occasion, but this was Agnes. She wouldn’t even pluck a grape from a cluster at the supermarket to see if they were sweet, when everyone knows that the grocer expects that to happen. Even hopes that it will happen in order to clinch the sale.

  I can only guess what Delphia’s response might have been had Gabe not intervened. It’s possible that Little Jacob might have, following Auntie Agnes’s example, lobbed the salt shaker at Delphia’s head. True, it’s difficult to hit a small target, but had my precious knocked out one of her veneers, or broken her nose, then she really would have sued us.

  ‘Little Jacob,’ his papa said sternly, ‘take your pizza and go upstairs to room six. That’s our temporary room for tonight. You’ll have to eat it there by yourself.’

  ‘Aw, no fair!’ But already he was smirking, because Little Jacob knew he could get away with watching Gabe’s TV if he kept the volume turned low enough.

  ‘And no TV!’ I said. ‘You know that I can hear a toad toot a mile away.’

  ‘How vulgar,’ Delphia said.

  ‘Please hush, sweetness,’ Tiny said.

  I waited until I could hear the door to room six close. I really do have exceptional hearing for someone my age. The reason for this is because I never had the opportunity to listen to loud rock and roll music. But this is not to say that I didn’t want to do so. But Mama drummed it into me that Elvis with the
pelvis was Satan incarnate. Therefore, I could either choose to wiggle my hips on my way down to Hell (whilst simultaneously going deaf), or remain rigid and frigid, and arrive in Heaven with my hearing so acute that I could hear an angel’s feather as it brushed against a cloud.

  At any rate, with my son out of earshot, it was time to ‘lay it on them’ as they say in the vernacular. I took a much-needed sip of water before tapping my glass.

  ‘Friends, relatives, Romans, and visiting Texans, I regret to inform you that there will be no dinner tonight.’ I leaned over Gabe, removed the large platter of Australian seafood salad, and raced it into the kitchen.

  ‘Very funny,’ Gabe said.

  I raced back, panting. ‘Instead, I will be closing the inn.’

  ‘Tell them why,’ Toy said.

  ‘Yes, why?’ Agnes said. ‘Is it worse than I thought?’

  ‘Apparently so,’ Toy said.

  ‘Yes, much worse,’ I said.

  ‘What in the Billy Goat Gruff is going on?’ Gabe said. (Actually, he said words that I refuse to repeat.)

  I let loose a sigh that lifted yesterday’s breadcrumbs off the table. ‘OK, folks,’ I said. ‘Hang on to your chairs, because this is going to be a wild ride.’

  Ida turned to Delphia. ‘Dis von eez coo-coo, vhat I tell you?’

  Delphia nodded in agreement. ‘Like a shop full of Bavarian clocks.’

  ‘Quiet, ladies!’ It was the first time I had ever seen Toy lose his temper with a woman who wasn’t committing a felony.

  ‘An evil ex-police chief by the name of Melvin Stoltzfus is trying to murder me,’ I said to Ida. ‘He’s been trying to kill me for the past five years.’

  ‘Und did he succeed?’ Ida said.

  ‘What? Does it look like it? Obviously not!’

  Ida shrugged. ‘Nu? Den yore brooder eez not such a very goot killer.’

  Both Hancocks laughed and Gabe chuckled a little. I am sorely disappointed to say that even Agnes may have smiled.

  ‘This isn’t funny, folks. Everything that went wrong today with the festival, including the rattlesnake on my car seat—’

  ‘Whoa,’ Gabe said. ‘Rattlesnake? No one said anything about a rattlesnake.’

  ‘How about Agnes’s slashed tyres. Did she mention those?’

  ‘Uh, I didn’t tell them,’ Agnes said.

  ‘I agree with Magdalena,’ Toy said. ‘There is definitely a pattern of intimidation here that is consistent with the way a coward like Melvin Stoltzfus works. We – I mean, I – believe that Magdalena is his target, not any of you. But as long as you are in her company, none of you are safe. Therefore, it is necessary for all of you to evacuate these premises as soon as possible.’

  ‘But we’re paid up for three more nights,’ Delphia said. ‘We haven’t toured any of the charming countryside.’

  ‘You’ll have to do that some other time,’ Toy said. ‘Tonight, I will be accompanying you to a very nice motel in Pittsburgh. Magdalena has elected to stay here in a safe location and act as bait.’

  ‘Over my dead body,’ Gabe roared.

  ‘There will be a pile of dead bodies here soon if you folks don’t skedaddle,’ I said calmly. ‘And no need to worry about me; I’ll be just fine in our safe spot. Remember, darling, we designed it to be impenetrable.’

  ‘Oh, that spot,’ Gabe said. ‘Is your cell phone fully charged?’

  ‘You betcha, and the second I hear anything, even a toad tooting a warning, I’m going to call Toy, as well as Sherriff Stodgewiggle.’

  ‘Oy vey,’ said my Jewish husband and our Episcopalian police chief simultaneously. Sherriff Stodgewiggle was about as competent as the overstuffed armchair that he resembled, and I mean that kindly.

  ‘How about you call Chief Toy’s assistant, Officer Lucinda Cakewalker?’ Gabe said. ‘She’ll be a lot closer than Pittsburgh.’

  ‘Huh?’ snorted Delphia. ‘Isn’t Lucinda a woman’s name? I wouldn’t even want this scrawny cop protecting me in a gun battle, much less a woman – unless it were a Texan like me.’

  ‘Was a Texan,’ Agnes said.

  ‘That’s what I said.’ Delphia growled.

  ‘You folks oughta see my little woman shoot,’ Tiny said, beaming. ‘Why, she can shoot a beer bottle off the head of a Yankee at three hundred yards.’

  ‘There isn’t going to be a shoot-out,’ I said. ‘OK?’

  ‘Dang it,’ Delphia said. ‘Because I would for sure stay behind for that. I’d maybe even drop my plans to sue you for bodily injury suffered on what was supposed to be a hiking trail—’

  ‘Ma’am,’ Toy said, ‘I heard about that, and I can assure you that what happened to you was the handiwork of this diabolical, escaped convict, Melvin Stoltzfus. For all we know, he’s stalking the perimeters of this building right this minute.

  ‘I advise you, Mrs Hamhocks, to throw together an overnight bag and evacuate these premises post-haste. That goes for all of you – except for the hero of the hour, our brave Magdalena Yoder. Magdalena, we will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.’

  ‘It’s Hancock, not Hamhocks, you idiot,’ shouted Delphia.

  ‘More prayers than thoughts, please,’ I said. ‘Thoughts never did anyone a lick of good.’

  ‘Mags,’ Agnes said, ‘what do you want me to do with that platter of uneaten seafood salad?’

  ‘Put it in the fridge, I guess,’ I said.

  ‘Who knows how long we’ll really be gone,’ Toy said. ‘I think it’s best to throw it out.’

  ‘I agree,’ Cheryl said.

  ‘Waste not, want not,’ I said.

  ‘And risk getting someone sick?’ Cheryl said.

  ‘My sister’s right,’ Gabe said. ‘It’s best just to pitch it.’ He blew me a kiss to make up for choosing sides.

  ‘All right,’ I said, ‘I’ll dump this fabulous-looking Australian seafood salad down the garbage disposal. You just see to it that you don’t forget to take our son with you to Pittsburgh.’

  ‘Dere von’t be no problem,’ Ida said, ‘because I am taking da leetle von wiz me.’

  ‘No,’ I said calmly. ‘Zee leetle von eez going wiz Gabe.’

  ‘Mags, was that necessary?’ my otherwise-dear husband said.

  ‘Moving right along,’ Agnes said, ‘I’ll help wash pots and whatever needs to be done in the kitchen, so that we can get this show on the road.’

  ‘This is no time for tidiness,’ Toy said. ‘Time is of the essence. We can just put things in the sink and let them soak. Running the dishwasher now is a bad idea, because Magdalena needs to hear what’s going on out in the kitchen.’

  ‘Toy, how you do surprise me,’ Agnes said softly. ‘You’ve lived here for six years already, and you still don’t understand Mennonite women. A well-raised Mennonite woman would never go to bed with a sink full of dirty pots and utensils. She’d almost rather be seen in public wearing nothing but her sturdy Christian underwear.’

  Toy laughed. ‘I rather doubt that.’

  ‘My sturdy Christian underwear has never attracted cockroaches,’ I said coolly.

  ‘That does it,’ said my loyal gal pal. ‘We’re doing the washing by hand, no matter how long it takes. Then since I’m already packed, I’m going to help Mags stock her safe place with whatever supplies she needs. In the meantime, you two Texans can mosey on down the Pennsylvania Turnpike.’

  ‘Why, I never!’ Delphia said.

  Agnes waved the backs of her plump little hands at the Hancocks in a shooing motion. ‘Now get along little doggies, as the cowboys say in that song. You too Cheryl and Ida. And Gabe, you and Little Jacob may as well head out with the rest. I’ll be riding with the chief anyway, when we’re through getting your wife squared away.’

  Gabe looked at me. ‘Are you sure that you really want to go through with this? I can’t believe that I’m even asking, because it sounds so crazy.’

  ‘I’m positive,’ I said. ‘It’s the only way to draw the human praying mantis out into the open.’ />
  TWENTY-FIVE

  ‘A praying mantis, huh? I don’t think that calling someone names is a very Christian thing to do,’ Delphia said.

  Agnes, who was already standing by then, marched around the table and leaned her impressive bulk into Delphia’s space. ‘And I don’t think that what I want to do to you is very Christian either. So I’m warning you nicely: please don’t say another mean word to my friend, Magdalena Yoder. If you do, you’ll be sorry.’

  Delphia’s already wee face puckered even smaller until it resembled a rotten turnip. But to her credit, she didn’t say anything. Although she could have behaved a mite better otherwise. Purposefully overturning her chair upon leaving the table was a mite rude, if you ask me.

  However, after she left, her husband Tiny made a quiet apology before chasing after his rude wife. Then my husband and my two Rosen in-laws left to attend to their tasks at hand. That left just Agnes, Toy and me.

  ‘Mags,’ Agnes said, ‘I love you like the sister I never had, but you’re an utter fool to stay here by yourself. You know that, don’t you?’

  ‘Agnes, my dear, dear sister. While you were growing up in that more liberal branch of the Mennonite Church, weren’t you forced to memorize Bible verses as a child?’

  ‘Not really,’ Agnes said, for she always tells the truth. ‘I mean, we were encouraged to, but not forced. Were you actually forced, or are you exaggerating as usual?’

  ‘Let’s not quibble over vocabulary at a time like this,’ I said. ‘The point I’m trying to make is that if you’d memorized your scripture verses, then you’d know that in Matthew 5:22, Jesus said that anyone who calls another person a “fool” is in danger of Hell fire.’

  ‘Then I take it back,’ Agnes said. ‘So there! Come on, Toy, we have dishes to wash.’

  ‘Thanks, dear,’ I said, and immediately set about transforming the master bathroom into a fortress. But not an armed fortress, mind you, just a place where I could hole-up safely, and comfortably, until Toy returned.