Between the Cracks She Fell

by Lisa de Nikolits

  Walk the walk, man, he had said. With my walk, I could rob a bank and stroll out drinking a cup of tea. You do the walk, baby girl, and you’ll be able to get away with murder in this life.

  What the dickens are you telling my granddaughter? Gran shook a tea towel at him as if she was shooing a hen out of the yard. Out you go laddie, heave-ho. We don’t need your sort around here.

  Yes, Gran had made him leave, fancy watches and jewellery be damned.

  I remembered Gran had given Mum a hard time too about it, made her give all the gifts back, which had Mum grumbling for weeks.

  So I walked the walk slowly past the gang but when I got around the corner, I gave in to exhaustion and leaned against a wall. I closed my eyes and buried my face in my hands. Everything felt utterly hopeless.

  28. THE EXPANSION

  I SANK DOWN ONTO MY HAUNCHES with my head in my hands and for a time, it seemed as if I was unable to move at all.

  My plan to hide out for the summer and figure out what to do with my life had seemed like such a simple solution, and it was all going wrong. I was annoyed and hungry, and shifted myself up and headed off towards the grocery store, feeling miserable and alone.

  The weather was strange. The solid and immovable heat wave had vanished in a huff, leaving a nasty coolness that was more like fall than late summer, and the wind was whipping my hair into my eyes. My shoe caught on a concrete ledge and I tripped and fell, grazing the palms of my hands, all of which made me feel even more alone and lonelier than ever. I tried to swallow my tears but they would not stay down. I sat down on the edge of the concrete that had taken me down and I sank into my fear and loss and anger. I sat there under the slate-grey sky, and cried my heart out.

  In the depths of my misery, with my head in my arms, I was startled when something warm and furry brushed up against me. I jerked up to find a big black dog nuzzling me with kindness.

  Without hesitation, I flung my arms around him and cried even harder. The dog stood without moving until a voice spoke and I, swollen-faced and hiccuping, looked up to see the girl from the red car.

  You’re making my dog all wet, the girl said in a way that I knew it was okay.

  I gave a shaky laugh. Tough day, I said.

  Must be, observed the girl. And it’s not even noon. Let me see your hands.

  I’m fine, I said, wiping my eyes and looking at my scraped palms. I brushed bits of dirt from them. They were stinging but nothing too bad.

  I got to my feet and brushed off my trousers, sniffing loudly and wiping my face again.

  I’m Emma, the girl said. We’ll buy some disinfectant for your hands. And let’s get a coffee. I’ll take you up on that offer you once made.

  What’s your dog’s name?

  Samson. My Sammy.

  I was curious about Emma, but now that she was finally talking, I didn’t want to startle her with too many questions.

  I’m hungry, I said. You mind if we sit in the coffee shop? I pointed at the Starbucks on the corner. There was no way I was going back to Tim’s today.

  Fuckers won’t let Sam in.

  Right. I’ll grab stuff to go. You want anything apart from coffee?

  Yeah, a blueberry muffin would be great. Thanks.

  No problem, I said, and I went into the Starbucks, returning with my arms full and my wallet much lighter. There was a reason I avoided Starbucks. It was too pricey for homeless folks like me.

  Where to? I asked.

  Not the bloody car, I am so sick of that. Let’s go down to the beach. There’s that sheltered place near the washrooms.

  Right, where they do retro eighties aerobics to the Pet Shop Boys on Saturdays.

  Emma laughed. Yeah, that’s the one. Aren’t they the bee’s knees?

  We got to the shelter and sat cross-legged on the concrete floor, eating in silence, with Emma feeding Samson the extra muffin that I had bought.

  I wasn’t sure if he should eat human food, I said. But he was so nice to me when I was sad.

  Yeah, he’s good with sad. Don’t worry, Sam eats anything. He’s had to, along the way. I do worry though, that something is wrong. He’s not himself. I want to take him to a vet but they’d ask too many questions.

  I’ll go with you, I said. We won’t tell them anything we don’t want to. I was definite about that, tired of feeling at the mercy of the world. They have to look at him.

  Emma looked away, down at the floor. It’ll cost. I could try the credit card I guess, she said. Although I’ve nearly run it dry. But Sammy is my guy.

  I hugged Sam again, glad for his warmth.

  I’m so cold today, I said, shivering. Look at you, you’re so hardy.

  Emma was wearing a pale blue tank top, tiny yellow shorts and the glittery flip-flops that did little to shield her from the weather. But she, unlike me, was blithely unaffected by the cold wind that had now brought with it rain, in generous sweeping gusts. I never feel the cold, she replied. I do find this depressing though. She pointed out to the lake. It should be summer for God’s sake. What happened to the weather?

  I shivered. This kind of rain and wind is very British, but somehow it feels colder here.

  Where are you staying? Emma asked.

  I hesitated and Emma laughed.

  Go on, you can tell me. I’m not under any delusions that it’s the Ritz, my dear. I’m living in my car, so it’s not like I’m going to judge you. And never mind the fact that the car is stolen, I’m just waiting for that little shoe to drop somewhere.

  I was startled. Stolen? From who?

  Emma’s cupid bow lips pressed together. My loser ex. My husband actually. Such a druggie loser, I can’t believe I ever married him. I was so stupid. And he hit me too. He was this cocaine fiend. Hey, I’ve got an idea! He always leaves cocaine lying around everywhere. Let’s go back and scoop it all up and sell it. That way we can take Sam to the vet and not have to use the credit card.

  I was skeptical. You could scoop up that much? Anyway, I don’t know how to sell cocaine. I don’t know the terminology, you know, grams, eight balls, whatever. Nor am I in the least bit interested in learning.

  I know everything. I have never tried coke, mind you, never. Although if that loser had pimped me out so he could buy more, I probably might have.

  The car is his?

  No, the car belongs to one of his new girlfriends. I just left you see. I ran out one day. I got home and he was asleep with this new bitch, asleep in our bed. There was all this coke and pot lying around, and the TV was on so loud, but they were passed out. And this stupid little red car was there. I found the keys on the coffee table, and I grabbed Sammy and ran before they could wake up. I also took a screwdriver so I could change the licence plates. I change them every couple of days by just taking them off random cars parked at night.

  I was impressed. You’re awfully handy? Wow.

  Emma laughed. Hardly. Come here you, you really are freezing, she said. She hugged me tight. Come here, Sam. Come and warm Joss up.

  The three of us sat in a huddle on the dirty cold concrete floor while the rain continued to fall and gusts of cloud drifted across the lake like cotton balls smeared with last night’s makeup.

  That’s my sorry story. What’s yours?

  I told her about coming to Canada, about meeting Shayne and his meltdown, and how I had lost everything. I told her how I was staying in the old school and how it was fine except for Lenny.

  Emma shuddered. I can’t stand that red-headed boy. He’s pure evil. I’ve watched him too. I hate him. And that girl, the one with the horrible hair? She’s totally evil too. I can’t bear her either.

  She wasn’t with him today, I said. I wonder why.

  Emma shrugged.

  And have you met Officer Serena Arif Kareem? I asked.

  You mean Miss India or Turkey or something? S
he’s much too good-looking to be a police officer although she seems to take her job very seriously. Yes, I’ve met her, the nosy bitch.

  I agree. She was very nosy. I met an interesting guy yesterday though, I said, and I told her about Ashley.

  Nice, a rich old man benefactor. Maybe we can steal from him to pay for Sam?

  I was shocked. We can’t get Ash into trouble. Anyway, stealing is not my thing.

  Oh, me neither. I just worry about money, that’s all. And that guy sounds like he’s got insurance. I don’t feel sorry for anyone with insurance. They can get it all back.

  Talking about Ashley reminded me that I hadn’t checked under the rock for messages from him.

  Do you want to take a walk to the church and see if Ash left a note? I checked my watch. But wait, it’s just after lunchtime. He won’t have left one yet. You want to come and see my humble abode and then we can walk to the church from there?

  Sounds good. I must move the car first though, Come on Sam, we’re getting up. Look, the rain stopped. Bonus.

  With an abrupt switch of weather, the sun came out, guns blazing. The temperature shot up fifteen degrees and steam rose off the ground. I peeled off my sweatshirt, pulled on my hat and took my sunscreen out of my purse.

  Emma laughed. I want to get nice and burnt, she said, turning her face upwards. Come on sun, burn me. Why are you so neurotic? Look at you, hat and all.

  My Mum always made me promise to look after my skin, ever since I was little. I’m like Pavlov’s dog, the sun comes out, and I rush for SPF 50.

  Emma laughed. I want the sun to add some natural highlights to my hair. Look, my roots are showing badly and it’s not like I’ve got any money for a hairdresser.

  I can do it for you if you like, I said. I worked in Mum’s salon on weekends and school holidays, so I can do all that stuff. We just need to get the product. These days we can get good enough quality at Shoppers Drug Mart. Enough for me to do a pretty good job.

  Fantastic. Yeah, I can lift them. Emma was confident. You point out the good ones and I’ll get them. What a relief, I thought I’d have to end up a bloody brunette by the time all this was over, and honey, I am not a happy brunette.

  I eyed her. You do suit blonde, I agreed.

  I must do my pubes too, Emma said. I like it all to match. Like Marilyn Monroe. She did her pubes too.

  I’m not helping you with that, I said. You’re on your own there.

  Spoilsport, Emma laughed, and we got up and headed to the car with Sammy hobbling along next to us.

  When we got there, Emma apologized for the mess in the back seat, and I told her to shut up.

  We moved the car, then Emma gave Sam a drink of water in his bowl. We were about to leave for my place when a thought occurred to me.

  Do you think Sam will be able to handle the walk? It’s not that far, but it’s not exactly close either. And he’s not walking well and is way too heavy for us to carry.

  Emma thought about it. Yeah, most likely he shouldn’t go. He has got this funny thing too where his back legs just give out from time to time. You see, look how you think of everything! You’ve got such an amazing brain. Mine is full of nothing, I tell you, nothing. Can we take the car?

  I don’t think so. I don’t want to draw any kind of attention because there’s this guy who comes to check up on the place. I kind of sneak in and out. I don’t want to risk it, you understand?

  Sweetie, of course I do. It’s your home. Don’t worry. Listen you go, and we’ll make a plan for another day.

  I was disappointed to have to leave her, and I gave Sam a goodbye hug.

  I’ll see you tomorrow, I said.

  Yeah, for sure. And we’ll check out the stuff you’ll need for my hair. I hate this root crap. It’ll be a fun, girly spa day. I’ll get us some nail polish too and those little face masks that come in packets.

  I laughed. I am totally not going to be in the shop with you if you are going to get all that. I would look so guilty they’d spot me from a mile off.

  Not me, Emma was blithe. Look at this face. You think they’d suspect me?

  I agreed. Emma was innocence incarnate: small upturned nose, wide-set brown eyes, a perfect smattering of freckles, high cheekbones.

  Yes, you’re way too beautiful and innocent to be a thief, I said, but Emma brushed the compliment aside.

  It’s not how you look. It’s the way you hold yourself. It’s all about attitude, she said. I just do the what, me? face, and no one questions me.

  I need to learn a bit of that, I said, but then I remembered my earlier encounter with Lenny and thought that maybe some of walking the walk attitude was becoming ingrained.

  See you tomorrow, I said. I gave Sam a quick pat and walked off, waving goodbye as I went.

  I passed Lenny and the gang on my way out of town, but they paid me scant attention. They were in a huddle and were quiet for them, even subdued.

  I glanced over my shoulder, wondering what had happened and only half wanting to find out.

  29. MANKIND

  I REACHED KINGDOM HALL, HOPING for a note from Ashley, but I got more than that. He was waiting for me, sitting on the steps of the meeting hall, with his head in his hands.

  Ash! I was delighted. I rushed over to him but when he looked up at me, my delight turned to horror. His face was a mess; he had been beaten and bruised. One eye was swollen shut and his lip was bloodied and torn.

  I sank down next to him. Oh no, I whispered. This is because of me and the shower, isn’t it?

  Ashley nodded. Not your fault, he managed to say but it was hard for him to talk. And there was nothing Rob could base his suspicions on except that I was happier, Ashley spoke slowly. He couldn’t find any evidence that anyone had been there and believe me, he looked. But he said I was acting differently, and he’s right, I was happy. So he beat me. Not the first time either, but it’s the first time that it’s been this bad.

  We need to get you to emergency, I said. Your nose could be broken.

  Ashley shook his head. No way, he’d kill me.

  But you need stitches in your lip, Ash. I was firm. Please, let’s go. Please.

  I think he broke a rib too. I can hardly breathe. It’s very painful.

  Ash, please, let’s go. I’ll drive. I’ll be really careful.

  Ash tried to laugh but stopped quickly. Okay, I give in, we’ll go, but no way are you driving. You even walk on the wrong side of the road, my dear. I can’t bear to think what you’d do in my lovely little car, and I love it too much.

  I helped him to his feet, and we drove slowly to the hospital where we waited for three hours in Emergency.

  What’s with all the people? I whispered. It’s crazy busy. How come there are so many banged up people?

  Ashley nodded. The woman at the counter told me it’s all the summer accidents. You know, cottagers drinking and boating and getting hurt. She said it’s their busiest time of year.

  A nurse with a clipboard arrived and called out Ash’s name.

  She’s my sister, Ash said, pointing to me. I want her to come with me.

  Who did this to you? the doctor asked. Ash was sitting on the examination table, and I tried to stay out of the way in the corner.

  Got into a fight. No big deal, Ash said.

  You’ll need stitches and I want you to have an X-ray.

  The doctor left the room and Ashley’s cellphone rang, filling the room with a cheerful noise that shocked both of us. Ash took it out.

  Hello? He listened.

  I’m in the hospital. Silence. Stitches and X-rays. Then, no, don’t come. I don’t want you here. I’ll see you at home later. Silence. If you come, they’ll ask you if you did it. Do you think they’re stupid? I told them I got into a fight. But come if you want, and let them ask you. Silence. I will see you at home later.

&n
bsp; He ended the call. He won’t come now, he said. No way.

  You should lay a charge against him, I said but Ash shook his head.

  We have a good thing, we really do. He is just a bit jealous.

  A bit? I was incredulous.

  Please Joss, don’t give me a hard time, please. I’m in so much pain. And it hurts to talk.

  I apologized and sat on the bed with him, then put my arm around him carefully.

  The doctor returned and stitched up Ash’s lip. Then he led him off to have an X-ray, leaving me in the room. I soon got bored and I wandered out, thinking I would prefer to page through the old magazines in the reception room instead. As soon as I left the room, I heard an emergency call announcing a Code Blue alert, and the nurses rushed past me. I had stopped next to a low steel trolley in the corridor that was filled with vials of prescription meds. I peered around the oddly deserted hallway, but there was no one at all, probably because of the Code Blue. I bent down to take a quick look at the vials, pretending to adjust my sandal and I spotted an old familiar name, Zopiclone. Sleeping pills. A lovely huge big vial of them. I recognized them from Mum’s bedside table. Mum who could not sleep without them; Mum who sometimes gave me half of one when I was going through a bad sleepless phase. I pulled my hat down low, turned my back to the trolley, and quickly pocketed the vial. Then I strolled on, walking the walk, unable to believe my luck and hoping like heck that the hallway cameras would not be able to identify me.

  I was generally a good sleeper, but when insomnia struck, it hit me hard. I felt as if the pills were a little gift to me.

  I sat down in the reception room, took my hat off, and smoothed my hair. I grabbed a newspaper that someone had left and hid behind it, waiting to be caught for thievery. But a new crush of injured and ill people arrived and time passed, and I remained invisible with no police officers arriving to question me for medication theft.