Between the Cracks She Fell

by Lisa de Nikolits

  And what about the money for Sam? You had that, and yet you let me deal with Lenny the lizard king. He bit my ear, did you know that?

  Oh my God, Ash said. You should have got a tetanus shot. You never told me. Let me see. That’s terrible.

  I waved him off. It’s fine. But my point is, I was honest with you. I went out on a limb for you, to get money for you. Meanwhile you had it all the time.

  Fifteen hundred dollars and a beat-up stolen car was all I had left. I do love Sammy, that wasn’t a lie, but if I spent all that money on him, I would have had nothing. I do love him. I got him before Shelly was born, when Mike and I first got married. And he has always been my best friend. Oh Joss, please, don’t hate me.

  I looked at that angelic face, all wide-eyed and trembling, her little turned-up nose red, her eyes swollen from crying. She was so pretty even when she was distraught.

  I had no idea if she was faking it now, faking this distress. I had heard her with Mike and her kids. I had heard her soothe Shelly with honeyed words and then mercilessly send her away forever with promises of necklace-making and mommy-love, and I had heard her turn on Mike and the priest like a harpy, like a bird pecking out the eyes of a hapless passerby.

  I took a large gulp of the wine that Ash had handed me.

  You don’t believe me, she said. You just think I am awful, and I don’t blame you. The truth is, this is my fault. I should never have married Mike, and I don’t really know why I did except that it seemed like the best option at the time. But it was more than that. I wanted to be happy too, I did. But I should have known it wasn’t for me, and I’m sorry people got hurt along the way.

  When I was at school, she continued, I read The Fire-Dwellers by Margaret Laurence. It was required reading for everybody, and the rest of the class hated it, but I was fascinated by the suburban woman in the seventies, who was trapped in a lonely life of kids and cigarettes and gin, waiting for her husband to come home, a husband who never really talked to her. And she was so invisible and selfless and sacrificing. I remember so clearly how she said she had thought she was so clever, having her whole life sorted and neatly organized at twenty-three, that she didn’t have to worry any more, that she could just get on with it. And when I read that I wanted to scream, No, you are wrong, you were so stupid, you are so wrong! Then the rest of the book validated what I thought and then what did I do? I went and got married at twenty-three and I too felt so smart at having sorted out my whole life plan, just like that. I got pregnant with Shelly a year later and then by the time Andy came along, I realized I hadn’t so much as sorted out my life as committed myself to a prison sentence, with parole possible when I was in my late forties; so, kill me now. I tried, Joss. I really did. And Mike thought I wasted all his money on refitting and remodelling, but I was just trying to do something, to do anything, just to show I was there.

  I was reminded of Saladin Chamcha when he embarked on his mission to destroy Gibreel:

  Now, however, he was heading for a human ruin: not to admire, and maybe even (for the decision to do evil is never finally taken until the very instant of the deed; there is always a last chance to withdraw) to vandalize. To scrawl his name in Gibreel’s flesh: Saladin woz ear.

  Emma or Tammy, or whoever she was, had scrawled her name in the flesh of a husband and her two babies.

  Not forgivable.

  When is Shayne getting here? I asked, looking away and taking a large swallow of my wine.

  Ash looked at his watch. Soon, he said, and he held out a platter. Have some double tomato bruschetta. I drove all the way to the market to get the mozzarella and the freshest garlic. Come on, eat, eat!

  I took a slice, and it was so good my eyes nearly rolled back in my head. Ash, you are a magician, I said.

  The olive oil is key, Ash said. That, and the mozzarella.

  Amazing, I said taking a second slice while he topped up my glass.

  This sauvignon blanc is supposed to be great with bruschetta, he said, but if you fancy a rosé or a Chianti, I’ve got those too.

  Shut up about the wine for a moment, Emma said. Don’t avoid me, Joss. Don’t be like Mike or the husband in The Fire-Dwellers. Sure, they both had their own shit to deal with, but Joss, what was I supposed to do? Yeah right, I know. I never should have had the kids, and I never should have married Mike. But there was a moment when I really thought I could do it, I did. And I tried, I really tried.

  I shook my head. Emma, or Tammy, I know it’s not for me to judge you but I spent my whole life trying to find my biological father. I was obsessed with it. Hell, I’m still obsessed with it. I can’t stand not knowing the whole story of who I came from. And here you are, creating that exact situation for your kids. How can I condone that?

  From what you’ve told me, Ash interrupted, your stepdad is a great guy. Now imagine your dad had been like Em, a square peg in a round hole; or like me, living a lie and marrying a girl and staying with her and ruining her life. You ended up with a great stepdad, not some loser who would have been a bad dad anyway. And Emma would have ended up being a horrible mom, probably constantly stoned on valium and vodka. In that situation, her kids would have turned out badly.

  Thanks Ashley, Emma said, tightly. I think I would have done better than that but at what cost to myself?

  And, Ash continued, as if Emma hadn’t spoken, imagine if I had married my high-school girlfriend? She thought I was going to propose after all those years, and I very nearly did, but I told her the truth instead and I hurt her terribly when I did. I could have carried on with the lie but it wouldn’t have done anybody any good.

  I brooded into my wine and ate more bruschetta.

  Yeah, I don’t know, I said. I just don’t know. Do we have to keep talking about it?

  So you’re not my friend anymore? Emma was crying those perfect tears down that little face.

  Em, give me a bit of time, okay? I had a lot come at me yesterday. A bit of time, please?

  Just then the doorbell rang.

  That would be Shayne, Ash said cheerfully as if we were having the most fun evening ever. I’ll be right back.

  46. THE PROPHETS

  ASHLEY CAME BACK WITH A SHEEPISH Shayne in tow.

  Hey Emma, he said, giving her a wave. Hey, JJ. He stood there, all gorgeous and foolish, like a big puppy wanting to wag its tail but afraid it would get a cuff on the head for its efforts.

  Hello Shayne, I said, and I wasn’t very welcoming. I looked around for Ashley but he had vanished.

  JJ, I’m so sorry it all came out like that, about your dad. It wasn’t meant to sound like that, like I was blackmailing you. I never meant it like that. He looked down at the floor.

  Sit down, Shayne. Ashley waved him to an armchair. I got you a ginger ale. Here you go. He handed him a tall glass.

  No beer? I asked and he shook his head.

  I keep my body pure now, Shayne said. My body is the temple of the Lord, and I am the housekeeper.

  Ginger ale gives you flatulence, I reminded him. Might get a bit windy in the old house of God.

  Joss, please, be respectful. I know you are hurt. He paused and put his glass carefully onto the coaster that Ash had set out.

  The thing is, he said and paused. Well, he said and stopped.

  What? Spit it out Shayne. What now?

  Well, your anger. It’s not your fault. You are inhabited by a demon who took up residence when your birth father left. You were just a little girl and vulnerable, and Satan chose that moment to send an agent of evil — a demon — to take possession of your heart. That’s why you’ve been so angry all these years and why you’re in so much pain. But it’s not your fault.

  The three of us — Em, Ash and me — stared at him in disbelief.

  A demon, I said. Who’d a thunk it? Good to know it’s not my fault. It’s just that pesky demon. How do we send him packi
ng? I leaned forward and looked earnest.

  Through the repeated laying of hands and prayer. Then we baptize you. After that, you go on a fast for seven days. When you emerge, the demon is banished.

  You did the fast? I asked. You have lost weight now that you mention it.

  It’s not a diet, Joss. You are so flippant.

  It is time efficient though, and good multi-tasking: banish a demon, lose a few pounds. Where does the demon go?

  He goes to the Hellfire of Eternity where he waits for Satan to call him to inhabit a new spirit.

  I see. And you met this priest how? I asked.

  In rehab. I told you at Tim’s, but you weren’t listening. Dad sent me to this expensive place with all kinds of counselling and life management skills, and Father Jacob was there, visiting a guy I got friendly with. Father Jacob said he recognized my pain because he had been where I was, and he said he could help me. The guy he had actually been sent to heal closed the door to Father Jacob’s teaching, but I was open and willing. And he healed me and set me free.

  And, he said, turning to Emma, he can heal you too.

  The look of fury on Emma’s face was the outlet I needed, and I let out a bark of laughter that would not stay quiet in my belly. And, once let loose, I howled, laughing so hard I was nearly coughing.

  Emma turned her glare on me. Why’s that funny?

  Ash was grinning too. Your anger, he said. Sorry, but you are so intense, it is funny. Shayne, have some bruschetta.

  Shayne took a slice and ate a large bite. Whoa, he said. Excellent mozzarella. Really fresh.

  I had forgotten that Shayne, like Ashley, loved to cook.

  And, he said, wiping the crumbs from his face, Ashley, Father Jacob can heal you too so that you can be cured of the disease of homosexuality and live a pure life.

  Many have tried, all have failed, Ash replied. He seemed unbothered by Shayne’s evangelism. I am going to check the salmon.

  I’m coming with you, I said and got to my feet, unsteady, as the pain was still a sharp stinging burn. Also, the wine had gone to my head along with the painkillers I had taken.

  No way are you leaving me along with this doofus, Emma said, and she also stood up. Shayne, Joss told me you were supposed to become a doctor at one point but you don’t seem to have two brain cells to rub together, so please tell me this. Were your grades ever good enough for you to study medicine?

  Shayne nodded. I’m a math and science buff, he said. And I can remember stuff. I have an awesome memory that I am now using in my new role as Ministry Intern, to read and memorize the Bible.

  Praise Jesus, I said, trying to tiptoe to lessen the weight on my feet as I walked away, with Ash with Emma close behind me.

  Your mockery is the demon talking, Shayne shouted after me. Jesus knows that and He forgives all.

  Are we still having pears with the salmon? I asked Ash who nodded. He was examining the fish in the eye-level oven.

  Done, he said. Let’s all adjourn to the dining room.

  Come on, Father, I said to Shayne. Get your holy butt in here. It’s time for supper.

  He gave a loud sigh and took a seat at the dining-room table, which was a Martha Stewart display of gleaming china, sparkling crystal, and snowy napkins.

  I’d like to say Grace, Shayne said, and Ash nodded.

  Holy Father, thank you for this food. And thank you for this opportunity to open the hearts of these fallen sinners to your Love. May you help me to show them the path of enlightenment and truth and guide me in this quest.

  Amen, I said, and I had just picked up my knife and fork when there was the unmistakable sound of the front door being unlocked.

  Ashley? Honey? Where are you?

  It was Rob.

  47. THE INEVITABLE EVENT

  ASHLEY WAS FROZEN, BENT OVER in mid-salad serve, with a look of sheer terror on his face. As I watched, a cherry tomato fell from the beautiful silver fork he was holding and rolled onto the pristine table cloth, leaving an ugly oily stain. We were all deathly silent, waiting.

  Ash, honey? Where are you?

  We’re in the dining room, Ash whispered. Then he repeated, in a stronger voice, We’re in the dining room, Rob. And, he forced cheer into his voice. I invited some guests for dinner. Come on in, I’ll introduce you. And I’ll set another place for you.

  There was an ominous silence from the hallway, and we all looked at one another nervously, but then Rob, clearly having decided to go with charming, bounded into the room.

  Friends! Marvelous! What’s for dinner? He shook each of our hands with pumping enthusiasm.

  Salmon with Asian pear compote, buckwheat spaetzle and zucchini, and stinging nettle purée, Ash whispered. His face was the colour of bleached flour and his bruises darkened as he paled.

  Excellent! He’s a superb little cook, my Ashley. But then, of course, you all know that. You all clearly know all about him, while I know nothing about any of you! Shall we have a little go around and introduce ourselves?

  Let’s get you a place set, Emma said. She was being flirty and she leapt up and pulled open the cabinet with the plates.

  I saw Rob’s eyes narrow as he watched Emma making her selections and realizing that she knew where everything was without having to be told.

  And I’ll get your salmon plated, Ash said. I followed him into the kitchen where I immediately dug into my bag that I’d left on one of the high stools.

  Oh my God, Ash said. He looked stricken. He’ll kill me once you’re gone Joss. He will kill me. I am not exaggerating.

  I know you’re not, I said. Listen, I’ve got a plan. We’ll put sleeping pills in his wine. Then when he falls asleep, we’ll clean up this mess. And when he wakes up, he won’t remember a thing. If he does, he won’t be able to prove it. You can insist it was all a dream.

  Ash looked at me. Will it work?

  It’s the best we’ve got, I said, and he agreed.

  Here. He reached for a new bottle of red. I was letting this breathe for us to have later with cheese and crackers but he loves it. He’ll drink it all for sure.

  While he prepared Rob’s plate, I crushed three sleeping pills between two spoons and mixed them into a glass of wine. Then I added another one for good measure.

  That won’t kill him I hope? Ash asked.

  Nope, just put him into a very deep sleep. At least I don’t think four will kill him. I was suddenly worried. Maybe I had put too many in. But it was too late. Rob had put his head around the kitchen door. I handed him the glass of wine, which he took without hesitation.

  Bring the bottle, he said. I can see we’re in for a party tonight.

  We followed him back to the dining-room table.

  Here you go, Ash said, putting Rob’s plate down. I noticed Rob had already polished off a good third of the wine in his glass.

  You’re a house painter you say, Rob commented, with obvious appreciation of Shayne’s well-defined arms.

  Yes. But I’m mainly an Intern at the Holy Ministry of Christian Healing, Fellowship and Worship, Shayne said. I wondered if he was going to tell Rob he could heal him of the demon disease of homosexuality, and Ash must have had the same worry because he interrupted anything Shayne might have said after that.

  And this is Emma, he said. She’s got a huge dog, a Newfoundland dog. I’d love a dog, Rob.

  Rob ignored him and turned to me.

  And you are? he asked me.

  I’m an ex-Jehovah’s Witness, I said. I was recently disfellowshipped too, so I looked up Ash. We hadn’t seen each other in years. Shayne was my boyfriend before he found Jesus, and Emma and I met because of her dog.

  And you were shunned because?

  I had an affair with a woman at work. I am sorry, Shayne, I never told you.

  You lie! He shouted. It’s all lies, he said to Rob. She n
ever…

  It was me, Emma interrupted. She had an affair with me. She didn’t want to upset you, Shayne. That’s why she said that about meeting me through my dog but it’s just not true.

  You? Shayne looked utterly baffled and I was afraid he’d return to the topic of my having never been a Jehovah’s Witness, but he seemed mesmerized by the thought of Emma and I having had an affair. I could tell he was trying to work his way around that.

  Excellent salmon, I said to Ash who turned to me gratefully.

  Thank you. Rob, what do you think of the salmon?

  It’s a little overcooked. You’re in great shape. Do you workout a lot? he asked Shayne who was still lost in his thoughts and now seemingly intrigued by the Asian pear compote.

  He looked up. I did a cleansing fast not long ago and lost some weight. We also respect our bodies at the Holy Ministry and I run every morning with Father Jacob.

  Running’s far too much like hard work, Rob sneered. His eyelids seemed to be getting droopy or perhaps I was just imagining it. He had long since finished his glass of wine and was on his second refill. He should be feeling no pain soon, or he had the stamina of an old bull. I wondered if we would have to give him another dose.

  Rob? I asked. You’re in real estate?

  He jerked, his fork paused midway to his mouth. He stared at me for a moment, but then carried on eating as if nothing was wrong.

  I suppose you could say I am, in a very general manner of speaking. I have fingers in a number of pies. Did Ashley mention real estate to you?

  We’ve never discussed it, I said. That’s why I’m asking you now.

  It sounded like you were telling me, not asking me. Rob smiled, his cosmetic dentistry white and even.

  Ash and I exchanged a glance then forced the conversation to our favourite old movies. Emma and Shayne stayed silent and kept eating, clearly not sure what was going on.