by Leah Laurens
“If you like seafood, there’s an amazing fish house at the end of Main Street.”
“Well, I have a shellfish allergy. Is there anything else you like?”
“Oh. The pizza sports bar is great. They have HD screens everywhere, and the food is amazing.”
“Sounds like my kind of place.” She directs him on how to get there, and Jimmy takes a few deep breaths, trying to calm a strange feeling he has. He feels like he’s cheating on someone…. like he shouldn’t be out with this girl.
He realizes he’s probably just having anxiety. Obviously, he’s not dating anyone else, so there is really no reason he should feel guilty. When they arrive, Jimmy parks his car and goes around to open the car door for his date.
She smiles. “What a gentleman.” As he sits down at one of the tables with her, he discovers she’s actually a really nice person. She seems like she has a good head on her shoulders, and is absolutely adorable. Still, he just doesn’t feel anything. He’s waiting for himself to want to get closer to her, but the feeling just won’t come.
He notices there’s a football game on. “Oh, my team is playing.”
“I love football! That’s why I come to this place.” Jimmy realizes the girl in front of him is most men’s dream. She’s cute, feminine, and likes sports. Still, for some reason, he’s already wishing he was back at home and the date was over. He starts to wonder if there is something wrong with him.
They both have a beer and order some food.
***
Hailey gets off of work and goes home to change. When she pulls up to her driveway, she finds herself checking to see if Jimmy’s car is there. She tells herself to stop thinking about him. She needs to get on with her life.
She takes a quick shower and again finds her mind wondering what Jimmy is doing. Has he been telling people how mean she was to him? She wonders if he’s miserable because of how she treated him. That thought makes her feel anxious.
After she gets out of the shower, she puts on a black cotton shirt and jeans. She looks in the mirror, hoping it’ll tell her if she is a good person or if she’s just broken. She’s glad she has someone who, like her, needs a friend. It gives her a little bit of joy to know that at work and now with her new friend, she is at least contributing to a few people’s lives.
She finds herself asking what she really wants as she drives to the sports bar. She feels a lot of inner conflict, but can’t pinpoint anything she wants. When she arrives, she goes inside and walks to the bar, checking her phone to see if her friend has messaged her. She sits down, lost in her own world.
The bartender comes over. She orders a beer and finds herself looking at the sports cards underneath the laminated bar counter. Every one of the faces reminds her of Jimmy and how he loved football.
She hears someone call her name and she turns around and sees her new friend. They find a bar table that overlooks the restaurant and order some appetizers. They chat about their day and Hailey finally starts to feel a little relaxed. Her friend excuses herself to go to the bathroom, and when she leaves, Hailey notices a table downstairs which had been blocked from her view.
She sees Jimmy sitting and smiling with a very pretty girl. He’s clearly on a date, and it looks like it’s going well. Hailey’s stomach churns, and she puts her hand on her belly.
Her friend returns. “Are you ok?”
“My stomach just hurts.”
“Well, I guess none of this stuff is easy on the stomach. Maybe next time, we should choose something a little healthier. Let me see if I have some Tums in my purse.”
Hailey smiles and takes one from her, popping it into her mouth. Hailey tries to relax but can’t.
Finally after a few minutes she says, “I’m so sorry. I think I need to go home and lay down. I guess pizza and drinking two days in a row just doesn’t agree with me. I feel like a wuss.”
“Don’t even worry about it. I have some stuff I should be taking care of at home anyway.”
They pay their bill and get up to leave. Hailey takes one more peak downstairs, hoping she won’t see Jimmy isn’t touching the woman in any way. Instead, she sees Jimmy smiling, but it sends another sharp pain through her stomach. She clutches her stomach, trying to breathe through it.
She feels a little light headed as they walk out into the parking lot. They say goodbye, and Hailey heads home. She’s surprised that she starts crying, and wonders what’s wrong with her. She’s not usually someone who gets so emotional. She has no idea that seeing Jimmy with someone else is what’s making her feel so off. She doesn’t realize how much she cares for him, and when she gets home, she collapses on her couch, afraid she might throw up.
***
Jimmy is trying to come up with an excuse to not take his date back to his place. But then he remembers: his mom is there. Still, the girl might invite him to her place, so he tries to think of an excuse. He decides to say that his dad asked him to help fix their front door tonight.
He smiles as he bites into piece of celery. He doesn’t even like celery, but he’s trying to figure out how to wrap up this date without being rude. The girl really seems to like him, but she isn’t picking up the vibe that he is not interested.
They have finished their food, and she ordered another beer which she’s been drinking so slowly. Jimmy glances at his watch. “Oh boy I’m going to have to get going here soon. I promised my dad I’d help him rehang a door tonight.”
“Oh boo. No fun.”
“Sorry, my dad has a bad shoulder and can’t do it himself.”
“That’s so sweet of you.”
Jimmy smiles and looks at the television screen. “Well, that’s half time.” He takes his napkin off his lap.
“Don’t you want to see the whole game? I thought they are your team?”
“Well my dad is pretty old and goes to bed early, so I don’t want to keep him waiting.”
The girl looks a little disappointed and then tries to cover it up. “Right. No, totally.”
Jimmy flags down the waiter and hands him his card.
The girl says, “This was fun. We should do it again sometime.”
Jimmy smiles and looks at her, wanting to say, “No, we shouldn’t,” but he just nods and smiles.
When he drops her off at home, she lingers sitting in his passenger seat, trying to stall. Jimmy wonders if she thinks he’s going to kiss her.
Instead, he takes out his phone. “Oh man, looks like my dad is really getting worked up about this door.”
She receives the message and gets out, trying desperately to leave a last good impression as she waves goodbye.
Jimmy is polite when he says, “Thanks for coming.” He pulls away, the weight lifted from his shoulders. He takes a deep breath. He wonders why he felt like running away from a perfectly nice girl. He shakes his head and mutters to himself, You’re crazy, dude.
***
Jimmy gets home and still doesn’t know that Hailey saw him out on a date. He doesn’t know how affected she was by it, nor how much she still thinks about him. He does some laundry and tells himself he should go out with that girl again. He needs to try to get over Hailey. He debates whether using someone to try to get over someone else is right, and can’t decide.
He picks up his phone after finishing the laundry and messages the girl to see if she’s free tomorrow evening to see a movie. The girl responds, hoping he’d want to hang out again and agrees to go to the movies.
Here we go, Jimmy thinks to himself. He continues to receive texts from her throughout the night, asking him about his life and things he likes. Jimmy can tell she’s eager to get to know him.
Jimmy however, doesn’t have much to say and still feels like he’s forcing himself to text back. His answers are kind of short, and when he asks her a question in return, it’s only because he doesn’t want to be rude. But he’s trying, and he doesn’t want to feel heartbroken anymore.
He wonders as he lays down and turns on the TV if it’s even possi
ble to fall for someone when you’re still in love with someone else. He watches an action movie but the distraction doesn’t work. He grabs the Oreos from the pantry and twists one open, but it just reminds him of the times Hailey would do that, and he’d ask for the one with more icing because he was bigger.
Jimmy’s mom pops her head into his room. “Hey there.”
Jimmy smiles at her. “Hey, Mom.”
“How was your day?”
Jimmy sighs, “The new job is good. I actually went on a date.”
His mom looks surprised but asks, “How was that?”
“She was nice.” But there’s hesitation in his voice.
His mom notices it. “But?”
He’s quiet for a moment. “I don’t know, it takes a long time to get to know someone.”
His mom senses he’s struggling to get over Hailey. “That is true.” His mom sighs. “I’m going to pick up some more laundry detergent. Do you want anything from the store?”
“They have lots of food for us at work. I’m good.”
She smiles and leaves his door cracked.
***
Hailey gets home and looks around, trying to find something to do so she doesn’t have to think. She looks in the refrigerator, realizing it’s basically empty. She opens the cabinets and there is not much in there either. She makes a grocery list and discovers she also needs cleaning supplies. Her list continues to grow as she thinks of more stuff she needs.
She decides she can get it all from one shopping plaza, a set of four nearby stores, and sets out. She gets to the grocery store, and distracted by the snack and dessert aisles. She wonders if she’s stress shopping as she looks in her cart. There’s enough food for a family of four.
She hears a woman say, “Hailey.” She looks up and sees Jimmy’s mom pushing a cart in her direction.
Hailey smiles. “It looks like you survived another birthday.”
Jimmy’s mom grins back. “I do wish you would have joined us. Don’t be such a stranger. I know Jimmy would love to have you around more.”
“He probably wants space to date.”
His mom sighs. “Well, between you and me, I don’t think he will ever really get over you.”
Hailey looks at her and doesn’t know what to say. “Well, I better finish shopping before my ice cream melts.”
Jimmy’s mom glances at the full basket. “I remember when you’d come over for after-school snacks. It was always so nice to have you around.”
Hailey smiles and says, “Enjoy your night.” She pushes her cart to the end of the aisle, turns and takes a big deep breath. She doesn’t know why, but every time she sees Jimmy’s mom, guilt and nostalgia overwhelm her. She looks in her cart, realizing she’s buying way too much, but doesn’t want to put it all back.
She peers out of the end of the soda aisle to see if Jimmy’s mom is gone and then goes to the checkout line. She laughs at herself for acting so weird, as the clerk looks at her. “Man, I want to come hang out at your house. You’ve got all the good stuff.”
Hailey smiles. “Ah, the joy of not being a broke college kid, right?”
The young clerk says, “Sounds like it.”
Hailey sees Jimmy’s mom’s van pull out of the parking lot. It reminds of the time they were driving away from the volleyball game, and Jimmy tried to cheer her up after being bullied by the girls on the volleyball team. She remembers how Jimmy liked one of the girls on the team, but he passed up a chance to talk to her to stick up for Hailey instead. She’s lost in the daydream as the clerk tells her the total.
She looks at him blankly. “Oh sorry, here you go.” She hands him her credit card which has a super hero theme. She still has the same card from her very first checking account she opened in high school.
Of course, this also reminds her of Jimmy, so she grabs the bag of Funyuns out of her bag, opening them and scarfing down a handful as she pushes her cart to the parking lot. After she puts the groceries in, she glances at her list and realizes she really doesn’t need the rest of the stuff on the list, so she drives home.
As she brings the groceries in, she walks in and out of the house, recalling never having food in the house when she was a kid. She always knew she’d have something to eat because Jimmy and her mom would feed her. She starts to feel guilty about how awful she’s been to her life-long friend. She puts away her groceries and just as she reaches for the last bag, she pulls out a six pack of beer she picked up. The label reminds her of that night on the porch at senior week, when Jimmy offered her the same brand of beer. She remembers the kiss, the video of it, and the horrible rumor that Jimmy didn’t stop.
She remembers the embarrassment over everyone thinking Jimmy was only using her. All her previous guilt is suddenly replaced with disappointment. The rage and anger that has sat with her for so long seems to be transitioning into just utter disappointment.
She notices that she doesn’t quite feel the same anger she did, but still, what he did was wrong. She’s not ready to let it go. She still feels she was wronged. People cannot do things like that and expect everything to be fine. She cannot just turn a blind eye when wrongs are done.
As she sits on the couch and turns on the TV, she thinks about her mom and all the wrongs her mom did to her. She realizes that she never cut her mom off, nor told her how she felt. She wonders if some of her rage toward Jimmy and Theresa all these years was misdirected. A lot of it may have been suppressed anger toward her mother. She needs to find answers in her heart if she wants to move forward with the relationship with her mom. They don’t have a close bond, but Hailey is still caretaking from a distance.
They speak about once a week, and it’s never about how Hailey is doing or feeling. Usually her mom complains and asks if Hailey has found a wealthy man to marry yet. Her mom seems to think that looks and money will somehow make a marriage worthwhile.
She wonders as she flips through the channels why she has never told her mom off. Why has she put up with her for so long? Hailey now wonders if she’d be able to say exactly how she feels to her mom. She doesn’t expect her mom to admit her wrongs, nor does she expect her mom to change. She doesn’t know exactly what to do, but placing the anger with its rightful owner allows her to see that her obsessive thoughts about Jimmy may actually be heartbreak. Not hatred.
But how could she have been heartbroken after just one kiss?
They were best friends, and their bond was much more than a vacation fling gone wrong. Their bond included years and years of helping each other through the best and worst days of their lives.
Maybe the way she’s been viewing things since she left for college were not actually so accurate after all.
Chapter 7: Bad Intentions
Hailey wakes up the next morning and sits on her front step, drinking coffee. She watches the sun come up and thinks about how much time she’s spent wanting to get revenge. She feels she is ready to leave that part of her behind and let herself enjoy life again.
She sips her coffee and listens to the birds as the world slowly starts to wake up. She decides she needs to let love into her life, because at the moment, it feels pretty loveless. She’s not sure if she even loves herself.
She decides that step one will be dating. This is going to be interesting, given she hasn’t dated before and will have to probably go on a few just to learn how. She gets ready for work, getting there early to post the day’s goals and hand out assignments.
When she’s done, she closes her office door and searches the internet for dating advice. She reads about how it’s important not to put too much pressure on someone on the first date and how you should be aware of red flags, such as someone telling you that they want to be with you too soon.
There is a lot she doesn’t know about dating. She may be smart and sexy, but she is a total newbie in the dating world. She decides to start by getting a new ‘dating’ wardrobe to put her best foot forward. She still feels that inner angst that she needs to address though. Now
she just has to get over her fear of addressing it.
She knows that drinking isn’t going to answer this problem for her, and that chasing men isn’t going to make that anger toward her mom go away either. She knows from watching her own mother chase after men desperately while she was growing up. She saw her mom try to erase all her problems with cheap boxed wine, and it wreaked havoc on Hailey’s childhood.
Hailey knows that if she’s going to find men that are decent, she has to reexamine herself first. She can’t be a ball of anger and expect to have a good picker when it comes to dating. She will only find damaged men if she doesn’t try to bandage her own emotional wounds and let them heal.
Before she buys her new dating wardrobe, there’s one thing she needs to do first. Talk to her mom.
Today at work, she tries to keep herself busy, wanting the clock to slow down. She doesn’t want to make this call because everything buried that may come out and make a mess. Hailey joins the other employees at the sub shop for lunch, and they bombard her about her dating life. Hailey is zoned out and can hear them, but is barely able to respond. It’s as if someone has unplugged her, and she is stunned.
She shakes herself back to reality and decides to just be honest. She looks at all three ladies in the eyes, one by one, and takes a deep breath. “Have you ever had to deal with something, or someone in your past, in order to move forward in the present?”
They smile warmly.
One woman says, “I’ve been working on that for ten years, sweetie.”
Another lady says, “Constantly.”
“Oh wow,” Hailey says. “I kind of thought I would be able to have one conversation, and it would kind of clear it.”
The third woman says, “You have to be patient with yourself, sweetie. Healing and forgiveness both take time.”
Hailey nods not really understanding. “Thanks. Thanks for letting me be honest.”
One of them laughs. “Oh, once you’re a mom, you realize you don’t have time to do the charade. Honesty is just much more doable.”