•Try to work out why she wants something done—you can contribute to her success when you understand her underlying motives.
•Appearing to respond to her pressure with a can-do attitude is in your best interests—her anxiety and lack of patience makes her jump at the first sign of opposition.
•Reassure her with regular updates, even though it’s a nuisance. That way, she doesn’t need to keep harassing you, and her anxiety is eased.
•Never confront her when her anxiety levels are high or when you are angry. Prepare what you want to say (write it down), and choose a time to deliver your thoughts calmly and confidently, keeping emotion out of it.
•Watch anyone who gets along well with her, and observe how this person goes about working with her.
•Focus your efforts where you can be effective and achieve outcomes, rather than wishing you could change her behavior.
•Her inability to prioritize means you might need something highly visible like a large whiteboard with timelines and projects, deadlines and progress points. When she tries to add another unreasonable task, look at your board, ask her to look with you, and decide which other project needs to be pushed back.
•When she comes barging in wanting you to drop everything and pick up something for her, you need to slow her down. Do this by asking her to explain more about what she needs: ask her who, what, when, and where questions.
•When she complains about another staff member’s incompetence or slovenly work standards, simply say, “That must be awful for you,” then quickly move the conversation on. Don’t feed her insecurity.
•Stay a paragon of virtue so she can’t find anything to complain about regarding your behavior.
•Learn to say no. See the tips on page 218–219.
If Your Boss Is an Insecure
Maintain a clear and structured work desk. It’s an easy way to reassure her that you can do the job and that she will look good.
Don’t fall into the habit of complaining about your boss to all and sundry. Be professional at all times.
Shore up your workplace network. Learning to “manage up” is a good skill to cultivate, and organizations notice staff who can go about their business despite having to work with women who have an unfortunate manner.
If You Work Alongside an Insecure
Make sure your work area is neat and tidy. Messiness will press her buttons so a neat, orderly work environment will reassure her that you are organized.
Call her on her behavior. Make sure you have the facts right, and calmly stand your ground if you believe that her demands are unreasonable.
If You Manage an Insecure
Make sure she knows about organizational expectations, what behavior is required of her, and what the organization’s goals and objectives are.
She needs regular feedback in relation to key performance indicators. When giving feedback, remember that she is fearful, lacks confidence, and is hard on herself. Always start with positive feedback before moving onto constructive criticism.
She copes better in a neat work environment, so position her near the ordered staff and away from the messy people.
Give her plenty of warning before making any changes in procedure.
CHAPTER 3
The Toxic
I have learned not to trust anyone, because it is the ones who take an interest in you and act as if they are your best friend who are likely to put up roadblocks for you to get around. All three women lied to my face and gave me false or otherwise misleading information. I now work from home and don’t want to have the problem of office politics; just the thought really stresses me out.
—June
Tilly latches on to you the first day you arrive at the office. Warm and friendly, she helpfully fills you in on the people and how they operate; she knows all the gossip. She freely gives you positive feedback about how you’re fitting in and compliments you. She tracks down a DVD you’d mentioned you wanted and wants to lend you her notes from a training course she completed. She seems nice enough, but you feel a bit smothered. As time goes on, little barbs appear in her conversation and she angrily spits out the odd nasty comment. You brush these aside, though, remembering what she told you about her cold mother who didn’t care for her. She’s a bit needy, and you think that her occasional expressions of resentment are more real than her enthusiasm. She says she is going to do a course in financial planning, adding unnecessarily, “But of course, I’m sure you’re an expert in it. I bet you already did that years ago.” She starts to talk about some career issues, but quickly stops, saying, “I shouldn’t bother you, I’m sure you have far more important things to think about than me … but you’re sort of like a mentor to me.” You feel a bit manipulated as you reassure her that of course she can talk about her work concerns. She indicates that she should be the manager because she is more qualified and experienced than the current manager, and in fact, she says that the manager often uses her advice. She wants you to agree. Later you find out that she told the general manager that you think you are more skilled than your manager and she worries that you are trying to start a mutiny.
A few weeks later, she buys the same car that you drive. Then she begins copying what you wear. She appears at lunch whenever you meet with people from other divisions or whenever you have drinks after work. She ingratiates herself with your friends, who say how nice she is and how she sings your praises. It seems churlish for you to feel smothered but sometimes you wish she’d stop questioning you about your appointments and plans.
Out of the blue, in an important meeting, she heatedly argues that your idea won’t work. You are so surprised you can’t think of a response. Afterward, she smiles, saying, “You don’t mind, do you? We have to be really honest.” Oh yes? Well, why didn’t she say something beforehand? You are sure you saw her rifling through your drawer one day, but tell yourself she probably wanted a stapler or something. You feel uneasy at the way her eyes always scan your screen and anything on your desk. A month later she casually asks, “How do you think you’re getting on with the general manager?” You think everything is fine, but the hesitation in her voice makes your stomach flip. “Yes, well don’t worry about how he put you down at that meeting … I’m sure you’ll regain his confidence at the lunch next Friday … Oh, sorry, I didn’t realize you weren’t on the list for that.”
Nice, if cloying, then nasty and jealous, she is unpredictable and you become wary. Fending her off is exhausting as she copies your notes during meetings, your hairstyle, and your section’s strategies. Then you find out she was right behind your layoff. “Oh,” she giggles. “I’m so surprised. I don’t know how this happened. They’ve asked me to take over that project you were working on … Can I just ask you about? …”
Then there’s Tallulah—she’s very touchy feely. She’s great fun when her life is going well (think Pollyanna with ADHD), but if she’s upset, she has the whole office in turmoil. She cries and sobs and can’t do any work through her tears. Another fight with her boyfriend. Her mother’s in hospital again. Her cat died. She has to leave early. You just wish she would do her work. If you don’t sympathize to her satisfaction, she’ll pay you back in a sneaky way. You feel manipulated and tired of her monologues. It hasn’t escaped your notice that her little crises seem to coincide with the busiest times at the office, or when she’s supposed to do a task that she dislikes.
They can be sweet or sulky, moody or smarmy, warm or cool, but Toxics are never to be trusted. Game-playing, two-faced women are like vampires—they suck your lifeblood so that they feel better but you become emotionally anemic. They are quick to make friends when you first join the organization. They love dishing out the dirt on other staff. They surreptitiously prod for more information about you—it could be useful to them some day.
If you recognize a Toxic’s behavior and gain an understanding of what drives it, you’ll be better equipped to deal with her.
The Toxic’s Behavior
•She is overly friendly, grabs your hand or arm while talking, gives you hugs, and oversteps physical boundaries.
•She likes to give little presents, sends cute text messages and thoughtful e-mail reminders, invites you to activities, appears to be generous sharing resources, establishes herself as your special friend, and ingratiates herself with your friends.
•She bustles about, poking her nose in where it doesn’t belong, protesting that she is only trying to help if anyone asks her what she is doing at your desk.
•She unashamedly sucks up to senior staff and tries to become indispensable.
•She wants you to believe that she is popular, well networked, and wonderful, because she needs your admiration.
•She whispers nasty comments, so you’re not sure if you heard her correctly. She twists the truth, planting doubt in your mind about other people.
•She gives you a big smile and coos and chatters one day, then gives thunderous looks the next as her vicious edge emerges.
•She is adroit at pressing your buttons—having done her homework on you, she knows your weak spots.
•She attempts to enlist your sympathy with tales of how horrible the other women have been to her—she doesn’t know why—or tells you about her terrible childhood or other deprivations.
•She asks your advice about personal matters during work time, wasting a huge amount of your time.
•She says things like, “Oh, don’t worry about me … you have enough on your plate … you don’t need to hear about my little problems … I shouldn’t take up your valuable time … it’s just that there’s no one else I trust that I can talk to.” After she has divulged more gynecological details than you ever wanted to know, she’ll try to wheedle something out of you in return.
•She is highly sensitive to perceived rejection or being ignored and might unexpectedly lecture you about your terrible behavior or cry because another colleague was so rude to her.
•She’s always sneaking off for things like medical appointments during your busiest month.
•She is often out of control in some area of her life, such as shopping, binge eating, or a reliance on coffee, chocolate, medication, sex, exercise, religion, or gambling.
•She is somewhat self-deluded, spreading her version of the truth: “I suggested those initiatives to the new manager” or “She only got that job because I turned it down first.”
Toxic bitches are like broken pieces of glass, wounded fragments who try to find their own identity by undertaking peripheral activities with greater enthusiasm than their work—during work hours. It is difficult for them to stay focused on work tasks. They have a warped understanding of their abilities and their place in the organizational hierarchy, believing they should be more important or more senior than they currently are.
The following stories are situations experienced by real women in the workforce. Read them to see if you can recognize elements of your own situation and to help identify whether the mean girl in your workplace is a Toxic.
Genevieve, 26, Telecommunications
One woman’s behavior caused me to visit a psychologist. She did some quite unbelievable things—lying, fabricating written reports (about me)—and complained about the men upstairs treating her like a sex object when she went to lunch, but that was the day, the only day, she would leave her buttons undone! And I won’t even mention the play she made for my boyfriend. I felt that I was losing my mind. I felt like I was under psychic attack—she told someone she was deliberately trying to get me fired. I learned how to not react to her behavior and to give her a long rope, which she eventually used to hang herself (not literally). After about twelve months, during which my mental and physical health really suffered, she lost her job and I gained a promotion. I also learned how to screen people more carefully for employment. There was one other person in the office; she wasn’t targeted, but she was really affected by the stressful atmosphere and left.
Mary, 45, Banking
Years ago, we shared an apartment for a while. She had shared houses with other women, and looking back, I see that she played the blame game when things didn’t work out. Nothing was her fault; it was always her mother, her sister, or a succession of housemates. Her bedroom was a complete mess with no square inch of floor visible. She did drafting so I thought she was detail oriented, and when she became unemployed in the downturn, I felt sorry for her and offered her a job. It was basic stuff, organizing marketing and contact lists and mailings. We set up a three-month probationary period, and I made it very clear that if she didn’t like it, no worries, we would part ways. I quickly realized she was lazy. She sat at her desk reading novels and didn’t do her work! In the end I fired her and had to incur some expensive outsourcing. She was an ungrateful monkey who said I was a dragon, a real bitch! She obviously had low self-esteem, but at the time, I thought I was helping her get back on her feet and earn some money.
After she was dismissed, she often sneaked back into the office to chat with her buddies and spread gossip, and no one let me know. She’d hide in the lobby until she spied me leaving the elevator on my lunch break. The CEO eventually told me, so I had a word with the receptionist, explaining that she was not to be admitted, that she had been dismissed from the company.
Sometimes your efforts to try to help a friend or support a colleague backfire, and the person seems to resent you. It can be tricky employing someone you know—there can be a power issue or a competitive edge that surprises you. Listen carefully when women have regular tales of woe. If something goes wrong a couple of times, it’s unfortunate, but when it sounds like a pattern, you should examine what their role is in the misfortune.
Margaret, 58, Library Services
I loved working at the local library. A couple of years after I started there, Beryl was hired as the children’s librarian in another building, so I didn’t have much contact with her. The head librarian (a complete gem of a person) left, and Beryl got the position, against expressed concerns. She was a member of the “right” political party.
Once Beryl took over, everything started to go to pot! Literally. She decided that there was no need to have a children’s librarian (as she wanted to have it all), making our workloads impossible as we divided our time between two buildings. We had to work two nights per week each (on a roster basis in the main library), and she then employed a guy (as it was not safe for two women to work nights without a male). He didn’t do much but sit and smoke pot all night—no, I am not joking. When we finally complained to her, Beryl had to fire him, and then the games really started.
Beryl smugly sabotaged us. Eventually we approached the town clerk about her. Beryl went on medical leave. We managed the library for three weeks while she recuperated, but when she returned, things got worse.
One of her targets had just returned to work after being hospitalized and was informed that she had to do all the local school visits in the children’s library. This was very strenuous work, and she was expected to do it on her own.
Furious, we all decided to walk out and warned the town hall we were on our way. The deputy town clerk met our demands halfway. We realized that nothing would change—Beryl had too much pull—so we went on strike. It was the first time library staff had done this, but we could not go on under such strain.
At this time I was preparing to get married, and I guess it all just got to be too much for me. I was under pressure already, and I really did not want to fight this one. I learned I’d never let myself be put in that position again. I would stand up and fight for my rights, no matter what.
Sue, 50, Manufacturing
This is an exchange that happened between me and someone I manage or try to manage. Let’s call her “Honey Voice.”
Me: “I need this report ready by Friday at 10 A.M. so I can proofread it before my meeting with the CEO at 11 A.M. Is that clear? If you have any difficulties, please let me know.”
Friday comes, no report. I ask her where it is.
Honey Voice: “Oh, I didn’t know you wanted that today.”
Sue needs the report ready for an important meeting. She knows how to delegate properly. Honey Voice deliberately doesn’t report back, so Sue is forever chasing after her. There are a few themes being played out here. Honey Voice wants Sue to chase after her because it makes her feel important. She may have her own agenda about what Sue should take to a meeting, and it won’t be what Sue needs; Honey Voice quite likes the implication that Sue isn’t a good communicator. Sue’s subordinate is so busy doing her “good works” across the organization, she really doesn’t have time to complete her designated tasks. She could even believe that Sue didn’t make it clear when the report was wanted. Honey Voice gets so caught up in working out what she’ll say next that she doesn’t really listen to anyone else.
“There are bitches in any workplace,” notes Elizabeth, a project manager at a company that specializes in e-learning and corporate training. “Whatever their seniority, toxic bitches take pleasure in other people’s troubles, trading gossip and talking negatively about others behind their backs. While some men may behave similarly, there isn’t an equivalent term for men and it feels odd to call a guy a bitch. Maybe that will change, alongside many of the reasons women get called bitch in the workplace, as women start to equal men in management ranks.”
Priscilla, 34, Social Work
I was called into my boss’s office because a co-worker accused me of wasting time chatting with a client. The co-worker had eavesdropped by holding a glass to the partition, then wrote down what she had heard. After I sorted it out with the manager—explaining that I was, in fact, bringing my client up-to-date and the co-worker hadn’t understood the process—I confronted my accuser.
Working with Bitches Page 6