She told me I must be mistaken—why would she do something like that? That is, until I thought I heard her whispering in the break room and telling the other social workers that I wasn’t good at my job, and their manager agreed. Another confrontation, another denial. I was totally confused. I didn’t want to believe that I had been such a poor judge—so I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Until it happened yet again.
Danella, 27, Sales Administration
I made the mistake of inviting a colleague home for dinner. I realized quite quickly we didn’t have much in common and back-pedaled on the developing friendship. My colleague had seemed resentful that I had a terrific apartment. After snooping around my place, snapping shots on her iPhone of my drinks trolley and cocktail umbrella collection, she spread rumors that I was a heavy drinker with a lot of boyfriends. The more I tried to deny it, the more everyone teased me. If I had a cold, my colleague asked if I’d had another late night out partying. People stopped taking me seriously.
Wendy, 19, College Studies
I bused tables in a restaurant. A girl I worked with was always making remarks behind my back, saying that I was so perfect in everything I did. Too perfect! She insinuated things about me but smiled sweetly across the room. On another occasion, when I gave another girl at work a compliment about her hair, this nasty girl said that I was so fake. I don’t think she realized that she had insulted two of us simultaneously. You wouldn’t tell people about her, because it all sounds petty, but it adds up to everyone feeling uncomfortable on the floor.
Wendy did retaliate one day. She stole all the girl’s pens so that her customers couldn’t sign their checks. All the other girls were in on this little joke. They all wanted to make Nasty Girl mad.
How Does the Toxic Make You Feel?
She acts overly friendly to the point of effusiveness; is possessive, manipulative, smirking, gossipy, and conspiratorial; makes nasty statements in a nice, little-girl-soft tone; and falsely flatters people while being disparaging and vengeful.
You feel wary, invaded, manipulated, cornered, cautious, irritated, hostile, distrusting, and disgusted.
Physically, you feel shudders, shivers, or shakes; sick to your stomach; sucked of lifeblood. You hold your breath, waiting to exhale once she’s gone. You avert your eyes while her eyes bore into you, and you step back when she approaches, retreating from her.
Why Does the Toxic Behave Like This?
There are three main reasons behind the Toxic’s behavior. You’re dealing with a slippery character here, one who is driven by unattractive and insincere motives. If you understand that her neediness is a bottomless pit, you can begin to establish clear boundaries that limit the effect she can have on you.
1. She Is Lacking a Sense of Self
She believes in the image she promotes, that she is nicer, better, and more knowledgeable than everyone else in the organization. She has little or no self-awareness, making it difficult to communicate with her on a reasonable level. Her strong, underlying envy drives her attempts to merge with the identity of other women—she sometimes wants to be the other woman, so absconding with the other’s work is part of that merging. The extent of her envy and contempt can be frightening. She has an emotional way of functioning in the world, and her moods can fluctuate wildly as a result.
2. She Wants to Be Liked
She wants to be popular and believes that she can purchase popularity with little favors for people. She spends a lot of time doing “nice” things for people, but every now and again, her nastiness pops out and you witness her Machiavellian streak. She might play syrupy friend, oozing ambiguous jibes coated in honey, before turning on you if you don’t respond. She mostly projects niceness, but her behavior is eventually exposed as insincere, cloying, and draining. Her burning desire to be liked is what ultimately repels other women. She confuses attention with being liked.
3. She Has an Underlying Fear of Abandonment or Rejection
This fear triggers her burning desire for attention and turns her into a demanding drama queen. She believes that other women will sympathize with her various plights and support her through her troubles, but by constantly hogging the spotlight, she has the reverse effect on most colleagues. She escalates her supposedly entertaining dramatic storytelling while simultaneously reminding you how much she depends on your special connection if she fears that you’re losing interest. She will double her efforts to keep you in her debt with little gifts, gossip, or any activities designed to keep you involved with her welfare. She becomes more needy and more mischievous, creating disputes and fights out of almost nothing.
Is It Possible You’ve Got It Wrong?
You think your new co-worker is trying too hard to befriend you. She’s very pushy, and it feels like she’s stalking you. You’re suspicious by nature. What’s in it for her? Something about her reminds you of a woman you worked with ten years ago, and that relationship ended up very badly. You’re shy, and she’s a bit full-on, but that doesn’t necessarily make her a Toxic.
Dealing with the Toxic
Toxic women are easier to deal with if you are the manager rather than a colleague. A manager can legitimately corral them in a way that a colleague can’t. Imagine that you have a new puppy—the puppy needs to know that you are the boss from the outset. You need to be consistent, or you’ll be challenged. Puppies must know their place. No matter how sweet the puppy appears, keep it off the bed—it might be cute for the first six months, but the puppy will become confused about who is the pack leader when it gets away with sleeping on the same level as you.
Most people appreciate a culture that is clear, firm, and fair rather than one that is secretive, manipulative, and lacking boundaries. The Toxic mean girl is more likely to waft around the latter type of organization. Her helpful activities mask her manipulation. She tries to keep you beholden to her and will try to cling more strongly if she fears that you’re getting away. It is essential to keep your boundaries strong and clear with these women; otherwise, you run the risk of being depleted, getting sick, or feeling exhausted, distressed, or emotionally violated after any encounter.
The Toxic is a drama queen who demands to be looked after. She needs to be treated with kid gloves, which takes up an annoying amount of time. If a work colleague upsets her, she yells and cries for hours. For good effect, she carries boxes of tissues and makes a number of trips to the bathroom so everyone knows that something’s wrong. Later, it will turn out to be something very minor. Other staff walk around on tiptoes, because it’s never really clear what sets the Toxic off—she can easily take offense, take neutral comments the wrong way, or become angry if she believes she has been ignored or slighted or is not liked. If her work colleagues ignore her, she turns up the volume. Craving attention, she’ll scream or sob at the slightest provocation.
If a Toxic starts howling or crying, quickly escort her out the back. Get her out of the foyer or away from the open-plan office. Make sure only one person looks after her; otherwise; you’ll have half the staff attending to her. These drama queens usually have fascinating stories regarding what a customer did or what a colleague said, so it’s not unusual to see a troupe of naive staff following her. You need to minimize the disruption and maintain clear boundaries: “We can have twenty minutes. Then I am off to a meeting, and you’ll need to get back to work,” or “Oh dear, I’ll schedule time for you with the EAP (Employee Assistance Program) counselor immediately—this is way too serious for any of us to deal with.”
The Toxic likes the disruption to the office, which is a handy way to pay back someone who hasn’t paid her attention—“She said this awful thing to me”—so the most important step is to get to the bottom of the commotion, calmly. You will usually find it is a misunderstanding or an overreaction to a minor comment.
A variation on this theme is the Toxic who is aggrieved about something a boss or co-worker said a long time ago. She refuses to forgive or forget, and narrows her eyes with hatred while r
eminding you of the incident—she goes on and on about it while you squirm. You can never drop your guard when speaking with a Toxic, in case she seizes on something you inadvertently say and she nurses a grudge for years. She can somehow twist an old comment and make a public announcement to your detriment.
You may feel drawn in by her neediness and feel sorry that other people don’t really like her, despite her belief in her popularity. You need to resist feeling sorry for her or trying to address her need. You also need to realize that her simmering rage is not connected to prior work injustices. And you need to resist her angling for the righting of past wrongs—chances are she’s made mountains out of molehills.
What to Do When You Work with a Toxic
•Wherever possible, keep your distance—literally. Do not stand or sit too close, and limit the interaction to the barest minimum required. Don’t become familiar or personal with a Toxic. Keep things impersonal and businesslike.
•Don’t let her change your assessment of others. Trust yourself.
•Do not trust her with anything that is confidential. She will stick her nose in where it doesn’t belong and cause terrible trouble for an organization, innocently mouthing off secrets to impress people with her importance.
•Monitor her work—if she is your subordinate, she will gradually take over aspects of your role (to “help” you), cherry-picked as part of her plan to take over your job. She will eavesdrop, interfere in matters, and somehow convey the message that she really does all the work and that you are absent, on a long lunch, sick, or whatever suits her purpose at the time. Don’t allow her to steal by stealth.
•Make sure that other people are familiar with the quality of your work. She will complain about your lack of professionalism and capability behind your back.
•Remind her that you don’t listen to rumors. Discourage any gossip about other staff members. If she mutters little asides that are ambiguous or vicious, ask her in a loud voice, “What did you just say? What do you mean by that?” She will probably backpedal very quickly.
•Push her to explain and justify any pronouncements she makes about people.
•Minimize her impact by showing strong leadership, establishing clear boundaries, and using transparent communication.
If Your Boss Is a Toxic
Never share secrets or engage in gossip. If she tries to get the goods on other people, say, “I don’t feel comfortable talking about people who aren’t here” or “I’m not aware of that information.”
Keep your physical distance where possible, and be professional at all times.
Shore up your workplace network. Remember that learning to “manage up” is a good skill to cultivate, and organizations notice staff who can go about their business despite having to work with women who have an unfortunate manner.
If You Work Alongside a Toxic
Never share secrets or engage in gossip. Cut her off at the pass if she tries to talk about others or extract information. Say, “I don’t know what you’re getting at. What do you mean?”
Keep your cool, and don’t ask for feedback or favors from her.
Protect your patch—don’t let her steal your ideas, but always remain neutral in public.
If You Manage a Toxic
Call her on her behavior, especially when she is neglecting her job. Give regular feedback in relation to key performance indicators, remembering that she does not have a strong sense of self and is often deluded about her abilities. Be prepared with clear examples of her unacceptable work practices.
Keep her busy doing the work you want done. Otherwise she’ll occupy herself with what she would rather be doing.
Never share secrets or engage in gossip.
Clarify, clarify, clarify. She thrives on innuendo, so make sure all communication is crystal clear.
Stay calm and at arm’s length to neutralize her weaponry against you. The less rattled you appear, the more able you are to say to colleagues, “Well, she wants to be liked and is prone to exaggeration or flights of fancy, so I don’t listen.”
Remember the brownie points you earn for being able to handle difficult people with equanimity.
CHAPTER 4
The Narcissist
She blew hot and cold. One meeting, she’d sit there saying nothing, then at others, she’d chat about her latest lunch with so-and-so and provide way too much information about her private world. No consistency in her behavior, and nothing you could trust.
—Judith
Nola likes to make a big splash. Her events are elegant affairs that receive a lot of media coverage. She makes sure she has her handmaidens dancing attendance, and usually picks hardworking, plain women who are a little older. They adore her and are thrilled to see her do well in the organization—some vicarious pleasure for them. They are happy to pick up her dry cleaning, book her hair appointments, cover for her while she’s out of the office, and work weekends to ensure everything goes well. Of course they enjoy hearing about her amazing life and often remind her how witty, clever, and special she is. She doesn’t want to hear about their lives, and they know not to bother her with any of their needs. The minute one of them droops or doesn’t keep up the attention, she freezes them out or fires them. Out of sight out of mind with Nola.
Her colleagues think she is fun to be with, but get tired of banal conversations about her looks, her purchases, or her latest plan for running into the CEO. She’ll make a lunch date, but if a better offer comes along, she’ll cancel. She’ll humiliate her closest colleagues in front of everyone, just to liven things up a bit. She’ll fluff around and look busy, but she won’t stick around to do any work she detests. As long as people pay homage and let her get away with whatever she wants, Nola is happy. Her manager treats her like a wonder child or genius, and her team has to understand that she is the aesthetic one; she must have the best office, the best furniture, the best of everything. Nola is amusing while her star is on the rise, but when she turns forty and she hasn’t quite made it, she will become bitter and nasty.
Nadia holds a senior executive role in the travel industry. She cuts a dashing profile as a high achiever in her field. She always employs a small team of earnest, hardworking people who pay great attention to detail. They are honored to “protect” her and admire the excessive hours she works. They cover for her work absences and stay till late at night to get their tasks done, grateful that she delegates complex work to aid their career development.
What isn’t so obvious to the loyal workers is that Nadia’s “busy work week” includes facials, manicures, massages, social lunches, and general pampering. One colleague arranges to meet her for a business lunch, stressing the need for punctuality, given that she only has an hour. The irritated colleague waits at the front door for half an hour and then begins pacing up the street. Imagine the colleague’s surprise when she spies Nadia having her hair cut a few doors up! Nadia explains, “Well, I got here at 12:55, there was no sign of you, so I thought I’d just pop in and have a trim—it is so hard for me to get any time off work.”
Over the years, Nadia’s team members suffer from stress and illness while effectively doing all her work. As soon as anyone loses his or her fervor, she fires the person. Amazingly, some of these people feel guilty because they have let her down after all she has tried to do for them.
Just before the company goes into receivership, Nadia blithely sails off for greener pastures. Very few people realize that she doesn’t actually do any work, apart from self-pampering or self-promotion.
Narcissists lack concern for others and have little or no self-insight. They treat staff like servants and suffer if they’re not the center of attention. Self-absorbed, they draw energy to themselves like magnets but repel any requirement to reciprocate. Often clever, high achieving, and competitive, they only work hard to look good themselves, not for the organization. Narcissists might attack other women who don’t collude with and pander to them. If you don’t play the grateful handmaiden, y
ou will be blindsided. You are invisible. Your work contributions will be stolen. You will observe them turning on the charm for anyone who can help their career. They like leadership roles—they enjoy feeling self-important, having perks, and fan clubs. They frequently alternate between playing the Queen of Sheba and the Tyrant. While they expect your devotion and admiration, they will be envious of your good fortune with work or home—promotions, awards, achievements, beautiful house, and so on. They tend to be the ostentatious bitch who makes everyone else laugh with their snide asides and character assassinations.
If you recognize a Narcissist’s behavior and gain an understanding of what drives it, you’ll be better equipped to deal with her.
The Narcissist’s Behavior
•She makes a great first impression and “manages up” brilliantly.
•She is self-absorbed, self-focused, and egocentric.
•She considers herself special and unique.
•She has an inflated sense of entitlement and expects everyone to tap dance around her.
•She treats others as servants unless she is performing her charming act.
•She expects the world to be fascinated by her life.
•She needs to believe that she is the most popular or admired person in the office.
•She lacks gratitude for the things you do for her but expects you to be eternally grateful for any crumbs she throws your way.
•She is so much better than everyone else that the office rules don’t apply to her.
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