Working with Bitches

by Meredith Fuller

  If Your Boss Is a Narcissist

  Never expect her to keep any promises—in fact, expect nothing. Get everything in writing—she loves to change her mind.

  Don’t offer to run personal errands or do anything extra for her. She’ll come to expect it as a matter of course.

  Build resilience by taking care of your physical and emotional health. Shore up your workplace network. Learning to “manage up” and going about your business despite having to work with women who have an unfortunate manner is a skill that managers greatly admire.

  If You Work Alongside a Narcissist

  Whenever she sucks you in (after all, she is charismatic), start counting the number of times she looks at herself in the mirror or preens for visitors so you can giggle rather than glower at her next political coup. Be cautious and don’t let her monopolize you, or she’ll isolate you from others.

  Be prepared to be dumped if someone shinier or newer walks in. Remember that her need to be special is stronger than your need to acknowledge collaborative team effort, so don’t waste time expecting thanks. Never expect her to keep any promises—in fact, expect nothing.

  If You Manage a Narcissist

  Give her regular feedback in relation to key performance indicators, and be prepared with clear examples of her unacceptable work practices.

  Acknowledge that a (short-term) trade-off for getting her to finish her tasks might be “special privileges”; while it’s painful to reward her, it could be easier than tearing your hair out.

  Put everything in writing.

  Think of her as a toddler. If she’s naughty, pop her in a tutu so she’ll become preoccupied with twirling around and forget about her tantrum.

  CHAPTER 5

  The Screamer

  I can’t handle confrontation with people I love, let alone with a co-worker! I wish I was strong enough to tell her where to stick it, but when it happens to you, you’re so shocked and dismayed it is hard to voice any response.

  —Leah

  Sybil strides out of her office, yelling, “Where are those reports I need? Why aren’t these ready? I want them now!” Later, when the reports have been delivered, she unleashes another tirade. “What’s this mess? I don’t want it done like that! How many times do I have to say this?”

  A tightly wound ball of exasperation, she barks her instructions at full volume. She reminds you of your angry teacher from eighth grade, with her furrowed brow, forever screaming at the class to be quiet then singling out a few boys to insult for being slow-witted idiots. Sybil’s facial expression alternates between grim annoyance and fury, her formidable frame poised to hurl abuse. She isn’t happy; why is she the only one who does her work properly? She tells everyone that if you don’t keep on top of people, they’ll slack off and get away with murder. She is infuriated by the spineless girls who cringe in front of her with doe eyes—sometimes she’d like to shake them.

  The Screamer usually feels important and needs to scream to get action from people she perceives to be less clever and less hardworking, to lack initiative, and to have limited skills. She needs to yell to get things done, to mobilize people so they respond immediately.

  The Screamer sweeps in to confront you with her aggressive demands. Given that she could erupt at any time, it is wise to avoid being trapped in a room, an elevator, or an enclosed space with her. She looks and sounds angry most of the time. Underneath she probably feels anxious. She expects and demands reaction.

  Volatile and loud, she tends to yell when she’s unhappy about something or when she wants something. You’re afraid of what she’ll find fault with next. She can be moody and becomes easily bored without an urgent deadline. She is demanding and pressure-prompted. You wish you could see her relaxed for a change, but you suspect that she likes being under pressure, that she needs the adrenaline to kick into action. She seems to carry the weight of the world and is fault-finding and ever vigilant.

  If you recognize a Screamer’s behavior and gain an understanding of what drives it, you’ll be better equipped to deal with her.

  The Screamer’s Behavior

  •She screams or yells, using intimidation to get the job done.

  •She wants attention—you are supposed to drop everything and get whatever she needs, with alacrity.

  •She throws out bitchy insults and derogatory remarks.

  •She is often perceived as being in a perpetual bad mood.

  •She questions your competence, speed, comprehension, and interest—loudly.

  •She is volatile, impulsive, and easily bored.

  •She often yells theatrically—she is screaming demands while saying “Look at me!”

  •She is usually disorganized, which leads to her loud demands at the last minute.

  •She might also stamp her feet, bang the table, or raise her arms threateningly.

  Screaming is often a behavior exhibited by other types of mean girls when they’re under pressure; with a Screamer type, it’s the dominant characteristic and one of the main ways she communicates. The following stories are situations experienced by real women in the workforce. Read them to see if you can recognize elements of your own situation. The Screamer in the workplace is one of the easiest types to identify—chances are you will hear her as you enter the building.

  Louisa, 53, Education

  Louisa was keen to organize a year’s work exchange, teaching and traveling as well. She planned an exchange with a teacher in London and busily made the preparations for the British teacher to work at her girl’s school and swap houses. Quiet and soft-spoken, Louisa was a committed teacher with extensive experience. When she arrived, she was assigned to a boisterous and challenging class of students who were not very accepting of her. She was also assigned a mentor, a relatively new head teacher, and had meetings with a formidable older teacher, Betty, who had been there for decades. The school was well known for academic prowess, and it prided itself on top results. At the end of the first term, just before Louisa left for break, her mentor called her in. Louisa was told that Betty had complained to the mentor, saying Louisa needed to improve her game.

  I was shocked—Betty didn’t discuss her thoughts with me personally, and she wasn’t my superior or mentor, anyway. I felt shattered—that I wasn’t good enough. But I knew I must speak with her about it. “Oh no,” cautioned my mentor, in fear. “She’ll be mad at me for spilling the beans.”

  I found Betty in the staffroom and approached her, stressing to her that I worked as hard as I could. She was surprised that I had the gall to approach her. She screamed, “This is not a two-way conversation!” She ignored me for the next term. I had a word with the headmaster, stressing that I was doing my best.

  At the end of the second term, Betty called me into a meeting that included the head of English and my mentor. She stood over me and screamed, “You need help! In England, our teachers have good discipline. You obviously don’t! Our system is good here. Your teacher training obviously isn’t as extensive as ours.

  I replied, “It is the same.”

  “Well, then you need staff development in order to cope. And do you have any computers in your schools?”

  I answered, “I understand your concerns, Betty, but I am working hard and I’m willing to do any training course. I am surprised that no one has discussed this with me during this term or asked for my perspective on it. I acknowledge that I am not trained in the British system, and the students have been making it hard for me regarding the discipline.”

  She was so furious that I dared to talk back, she almost slapped me. The other two people in the staffroom slid down in their chairs in terror.

  She was ignited and came after me.

  “Well, the Year Elevens told me they haven’t learned anything in your class.”

  I said, “How could you believe the students? Of course they’d say that, but I have covered the curriculum requirements.”

  She flounced out, saying, “Well, you are pedagogically lacking.
You’re not good enough, you require some training tips, and I will send the headmaster into your next class!”

  The headmaster was shocked, telling me that I’d been given the worst class in the school. He thought I was doing well under the circumstances and, after reviewing my class, said that he didn’t have any teaching tips to give me, that I knew what I was doing.

  She became even nastier toward me, yelling at me for any trivial matter. I felt so worn down I had a cry in the staff room. One of the teachers told her and suggested that she should support me more.

  Next Monday morning, Betty rang the staff room. I could hear her screaming into the phone, “Where’s Louisa?” I took the phone and she yelled, “I told you we had a meeting at 9 A.M.!” It was three minutes to nine. “I’m just checking my e-mails, and—”

  “Get down here immediately!” she screamed. I went to her office, where another teacher was installed to take notes.

  Through gritted teeth she said, “I hear you are doing the best you can, but this is not good enough.” Then she screamed, “You were upset on Friday, I heard, sniveling in the staff room!”

  I quietly said, “Excuse me, I need to leave this meeting and collect my thoughts.” I walked out and made my way to my classroom, with shaky legs, fighting back my tears.

  When I arrived there, she had beaten me to it and was standing across the door, arms spread out, blocking my entrance. “You’re not going in there,” she screamed.

  I was a wreck and went home, where I stayed for a week on sick leave. When I returned, I contacted a member of the exchange organization to explain what had happened and asked for the member to meet me at the school because Betty was out to get me and I needed support.

  The exchange person said, “Go home, take leave, and don’t return for the rest of the week.”

  I said, “Well, I’m not going back until this is sorted out.” They couldn’t organize another school for me, and I couldn’t return home for another term. My exchange partner was living in my house, teaching at my school. I was stuck overseas with no savings. I rang the teachers union, and then things swung into action. When I arrived in its offices, I cried for an hour. I had documented everything, which the union was pleased about. I was paid for the remainder of the term by the school, which was instructed to pay for a relief teacher.

  When I came home, I called our union, which investigated further. It found out that she had done this to someone before and that the school hadn’t wanted the exchange to go ahead. Ironically, the class did well that year, but no one from the school contacted me to let me know. The school hadn’t bothered to tell me that it had given me the class with the learning disability students and the lowest-stream students. When the exchange was first arranged, the school had said, “You’d better be good; this is a high-achieving school.”

  When I got home, I had some counseling to recover from the experience. It took me another six months to settle down. I was so scared of Betty, I worked excessive hours, and by the time I had the rest of the last term off, I was too exhausted to do anything except recuperate. The union members were annoyed that I had called the exchange instead of them, saying they would have sorted it out far more quickly and that I would have been spared her vitriol. But I really thought if I stayed out of Betty’s way and just did my best, she’d ease up on me.

  In this case, the headmaster showed lack of leadership and did not provide a safe environment for staff. Betty’s behavior in overstepping boundaries, verbally demolishing Louisa, screaming down phones to hapless recipients, and taking it upon herself to deny access to Louisa’s class was left unchecked. Collusion between Betty and the students, collusion of ineptitude between the headmaster and mentor, and the absence of support from any other teacher contributed to Louisa’s misery.

  Angry Screamers are formidable when they erupt, and Betty’s anger escalated to an out-of-control level. Staff were afraid of her. Louisa encountered the smoldering volcano who erupted, and the eruption culminated in a full body stretch across the door to deny access to her classroom. Louisa left—a sensible decision.

  Louisa swallowed the message that she wasn’t wanted. Rather than question the school’s lack of training and support and the assignment of a challenging class, she believed that she needed to improve her skills and spent her evenings overplanning and preparing lessons. Her confidence plummeted and she became self-conscious about her contributions, sometimes crying from exhaustion. Her repeated comments that she was trying her best are particularly poignant after she left the school and discovered she had been deliberately given the most challenging students. Louisa’s docility was a red flag for Betty. Once the union was aware of her stress and trauma, she was given counseling support. Louisa continued with counseling for six months after her return home. She was able to return to her school and resume teaching.

  Leah, 39, Hotel Restaurant Business

  I was new—I came to clock in; I took the time sheet into the kitchen to ask what I was meant to do, and my manager tore into me for taking in the sheet and interrupting her. I felt foolish—I was trying to do the right thing. I felt demolished. Everything was “take no prisoners,” no finesse; you had to do her bidding. She was abrupt and yelled at the staff every day, except for her favorites. She didn’t scream at them. I wish I was strong enough to tell her where to stick it, but when it happens to you, you’re so shocked and dismayed it is hard to voice any response. Even now I still recall that shame of being screamed at—I can see the others standing there like statues. She would tongue-lash us if we did anything she wasn’t happy about. She was always in a bad mood. I prefer spending time with animals. You know where you stand.

  Eventually Leah realized it wasn’t a personal attack, and she became used to her manager’s rude manner. The manager was a nasty bitch; the younger waitresses were students working part-time and didn’t care, but it was the manager’s full-time job.

  Mary, 43, Financial Planning

  I was attending my first conference in my new job, where my manager, who was based in another office, was giving the opening address. I was a couple of minutes late along with a male colleague, and we quietly headed down the back of the U-shaped setup to take our seats. I felt like a naughty child at school.

  She yells, “Mary, I want you up here now!” while viciously poking the air on her immediate right.

  “Why?” I ask innocently.

  She repeats her summons: “Sit here, where I can keep an eye on you.”

  I was put down publicly; I wasn’t a troublemaker, so what was she concerned about? We’d hardly met, only had teleconferences, and I was a pretty quiet person. She let Chris remain seated at the back. That moment stayed with me. I was pissed off. It was unnecessary; we were mostly demure females. Maybe her way was to sit on new women from another office, as a message to the rest of the offices to be quiet and shut up. She was a tough woman playing the man’s game; you wouldn’t dare cross her—that would be workplace suicide. She had no soft side.

  Ella, 30, Retail

  I used to love my job. They employed a new manager ten months ago, and everything has changed. She screams orders, screams that she isn’t happy with the work, screams nearly all day. I dread going to work. I worry that if I say something, I might lose my job, and I need the money.

  Nell, 49, Marketing

  My boss’s style was less than positive—often screaming across the office and changing her mind and then blaming her employees—but I learned a lot from her and went on to use much of it in shaping my own management style, in terms of how not to behave.

  Eventually I became the marketing director of a large multinational—the only female and the youngest on the executive management team. I then had very different experiences from other women in our workplace, particularly since they were all junior to me, and their styles in dealing with a female senior manager were interesting. Some were really positive and I had a great opportunity to try to promote women in our workforce. But others, who were just a l
evel below, resented that I was more senior and they constantly tried to fight with me or pull me down. I thought it was a shame and tried to navigate them to a more positive path. I could see that their more aggressive style was actually holding them back from being promoted because they clashed with the male senior managers as well. They obviously felt they needed to be as tough as the boys.

  I find this area of discussion particularly interesting as I have enjoyed observing the various female styles in the corporate workplace and how the women interacted with each other. Some helped other women get a leg up (I hoped I was this type), while others gave women a harder time than they gave the men. These women felt that since they themselves had to climb the ladder the hard way, other women should, too.

  I now run my own marketing consultancy as I felt the corporate workplace wasn’t really conducive to having a family.

  Nell’s early experience with a Screamer shaped her development as a successful manager. Along the way, she worked with women who probably fitted the Insecure type—someone who prefers not to help other women, because she feels threatened by them.

  Verity, 32, Hotel Industry

  There was no growth occurring within the business, and the decision was made to bring me in as a specialist manager. There was no training or hand-over from the previous incumbent, but within the first month, I had gathered enough market intelligence to form a strong opinion of the market, the opportunities, and suitable tactical marketing strategies.

  Suddenly, my role was shifted to admin support, where I was forced to work at a junior level, processing data requests, working across administration, finance, and customer service. After three months, I realized the CEO, an aggressive woman, had strategically set out on a campaign of victimization to “manage” me out of the business.