•Let her think that your recommendations are building on her scaffolding. Keep calm and patient when trying to explain why her latest decision won’t work, but her earlier idea might, with modifications.
If Your Boss Is an Incompetent
Shore up your workplace network. Learning to “manage up” is a good skill to cultivate, and organizations notice staff who can go about their business despite having to work with women who have an unfortunate manner.
Be professional and don’t fall into the habit of publicly reciting her failures.
Patiently practice subtle coaching or mentoring to improve her performance and lessen her stress—everyone wins.
If You Work Alongside an Incompetent
Distance yourself from her performance where possible.
Trying to show her up is likely to backfire, so focus on the bigger-picture goals.
Resist the urge to tattle every time there is another disaster—maintain your professional demeanor. Note how you are adding to your body of knowledge regarding working with difficult colleagues while enabling your team to be more self-reliant.
If You Manage an Incompetent
She needs regular feedback in relation to key performance indicators. Always start with positive feedback before moving into constructive criticism.
Be kind and patient while putting in place a strategy to train her. If she shows no interest in becoming more competent, you will need to use the company’s performance management process to get her out of the organization.
Don’t pass the buck—remember the adage, what goes around comes around. Be good to your staff, and don’t leave them to carry an incompetent colleague.
CHAPTER 8
The Not-a-Bitch
I tried to explain that while she might have some theoretical appreciation for what I did, she didn’t have the expertise, the successful achievements, and the interpersonal sensitivity. Because she wanted to do my job, she wouldn’t finish any of her tasks. I had to performance-manage her, and I was told I was a bitch.
—Margaret
Nina works hard to deliver on her promises. She has always worked hard; her husband often says she’s a workaholic. But Nina loves the challenges of her career in public health, and her manager often praises her for her ability to carve through lots of detail and come up with a clear plan that will deliver on the organization’s goals. Her own standards and her expectations of others are high.
Nina’s manner is a bit brusque. She doesn’t waste words, as some of the people who work in her team will testify. You wouldn’t want to be feeling sensitive when Nina is in full flight at a planning meeting—she’ll sometimes cut you off before you get your words out.
Natalie’s job is to restore order in a small advertising agency where the previous manager had been let go because she had failed to meet budget for three consecutive years. Natalie’s predecessor was popular. She let everyone leave early if they needed to pick up kids from school, and she let people work at home if they needed to for personal reasons. Natalie sets some new ground rules for acceptable office behavior: Staff members are expected to be in the office from nine to five, unless it’s for a very good reason; working from home is not an option—too often, other employees are distracted from their own clients by dealing with their colleague’s courier problems, passing on messages, and so on.
Natalie is very no-nonsense. She’s immaculately groomed and superefficient, and some of the staff—male and female—feel as if she’s eyeing them up and down, deciding they’re a scruffy lot. She wants the reception area spruced up and the bikes moved around to the back—which is a real nuisance to Amelia, who is always running late and dumps her bike just inside the door. Amelia always means to move it later …
After a month, Natalie talks to Amelia about her performance and gives her an official warning. Amelia needs to be in the office on time, meet her deadlines, and spend less time hanging around other staff members’ desks. Natalie has a job to do—she’s been employed to get this show on the road, and she can see that people have developed some very bad work practices over the last few years. Amelia is affronted—it’s not fair! No one ever talked to her about these things before!
What if the woman you have labeled a bitch is just trying to do her job properly? What if she is passionate, enthusiastic, and committed to doing a good job, but merely has an unfortunate manner? What if she isn’t really a mean girl?
Be wary of hasty labeling. Behavior that you label as bitchy may well be industry standard practice or strong leadership. You might be particularly sensitive to a bossy tone and assume that the woman in question is a control freak, when really, she is simply following the rules to get the job done and is worried about meeting her deadlines. You might not be aware of the bigger picture in your workplace. You might believe that anyone who gives orders must be a control freak and that all control freaks are bitches.
Some women can misinterpret the expectation that they do their job to someone else’s standards as bitchy interference. If staff have been left alone for quite some time while expectations remained unclear, a new manager may encounter some reserve or resistance. It is stressful for managers taking over a team of previously poorly managed staff. The shock of the new boss’s requirements for production, delivery, turnaround time, reporting, standards, and other responsibilities might generate staff resentment. But a new boss who establishes new standards that might not be to your liking isn’t necessarily a bitch.
Managers are supposed to monitor tasks so that if anything is likely to go wrong, they can ensure that it’s resolved. Often they hold some information that you don’t know—information that will alert them to a potential problem. To the staff members who are just trying to do their work, the new boss might appear to be a control freak, a micromanager, or an Insecure who can’t trust anyone.
A new manager’s attempts to educate and train the staff she has inherited might be arduous, exhausting, and frustrating for her. Until people’s output increases, she could be impatient, curt, and critical. Afterward, as performance improves, she is likely to relax her vigilance.
It’s not easy to accept that someone you thought was being bitchy is actually just doing her job. If you question what has made you draw negative conclusions about her, you might not like some of the answers because you might be the problem. You need to be objective about the situation and remove any personal affront you are feeling. By looking at some common Not-a-Bitch behavior and understanding what might cause it, you may find that you are working with someone who is completely dedicated to what they do, who works hard, and who simply doesn’t waste time on social niceties.
Typical Not-a-Bitch Responses
•“I’m only reminding you to complete the task you are avoiding because it is part of your job description. You may not enjoy doing it, but how else do you imagine it will get done?”
•“No, my requirements are not unreasonable and I am not being picky for the sake of it—you need to fulfill minimum work standards. If we don’t meet our targets, our division is under threat. There won’t be any jobs if we’re closed down.”
•“No, I’m not being mean. I am not suggesting this course to prevent you from attending your dance classes on Tuesday nights; I want you to enroll in the training so that you meet the key selection criteria for the senior position that will be advertised soon.”
The Not-a-Bitch’s Behavior
•She is constantly reminding you to complete tasks that are part of your job description.
•She disagrees with you.
•She misunderstands what you’re saying and seeks clarification.
•She holds you accountable for your output.
•She polices and enforces office protocols.
•She would rather you followed procedure than do things your own way.
•She often walks around the office saying that she’s just checking that things are ticking along nicely.
•She has a personal style you don�
�t particularly like.
•She is not as good as your previous manager.
•She reminds you of a boss you had a couple of years ago, and you didn’t like her, either.
Look at this list, and see if you fall into any of the categories: recalcitrant subordinate, passive-aggressive peer, forgetful support staff, incompetent executive, change resister, rigid adherent to the status quo, non-team-player, or lazy team member. Let’s hope not, but if it is the case, it’s more likely the problem is you than the “bitch” you work with.
The stories below are situations experienced by real women in the workforce. Read them to see if you can recognize elements of your own situation and to help identify whether the mean girl in your workplace is actually mean at all.
Eleanor, 50s, Media Production
I recognize that I might seem to be a bitch. When work is stressful I can be severe and disappointed if a colleague or staff member can’t do his or her job, and I make snippy little comments, below my level of consciousness—little mutterings that slip out.
I do feel anxious and concerned about that. I get upset and stressed while people just coast along at the same pace, not doing their work to a reasonable standard yet wanting more projects. They keep asking for extra things, but they’re not able to do their current work—I am stunned! I don’t want to have to look after someone at work. I prefer it when we can all do our work and we simply get on with it, without my having to worry that things are falling apart.
I have spoken to my manager about one particular employee. The manager oversees both of us and will plan to performance-manage my colleague.
I fear that I’m being perceived as a bitch to my colleague and not giving her a fair chance—I know that’s how she’d see it. She doesn’t seem to comprehend that she is not covering her work properly and it causes problems. When I get upset at each task that isn’t done properly or, in some cases, isn’t done at all, I try to switch off and I’ll get far away to do other work. But I notice when things are left in the wrong place or, for example, that this morning’s mail is still sitting there in the afternoon. I can’t find her, she has disappeared off somewhere, and the staff members are irritated because they want their mail.
Eleanor knows that stress and frustration can bring out her darker side, but her main aim at work is to get the job done. She has to work on controlling her “snippy little comments,” so that her co-workers don’t get the wrong idea, but her co-workers also need to recognize that Eleanor is concerned about the repercussions of poor performance, which is why she wants to stay on top of the things she can control.
Ginny, 60s, Social Work
I won’t waste communication time. I can get away with using blunt, direct communication because I speak good common sense. I am not personal and I do not blame. I won’t cajole—if you have to bribe people, you simply go round in circles. If there is a dysfunctional subculture, you need to do some firing and start again. It has been said that the bitches reach their present high station by falling upstairs by dint of sheer weightlessness!
A bitch keeps the yes people around her. I had a bitch try to erode my reputation, complaining about me and doing her best to torpedo my project. I had communicated widely about the project, so, fortunately, others could advocate on my behalf and stop her.
Ginny knew how she could be perceived but had enough confidence in her no-nonsense approach to not feel threatened. Some of her confidence undoubtedly came from her wealth of experience—she was not going to be easily intimidated.
How Does the Not-a-Bitch Make You Feel?
She acts earnest, snappy, vigilant, cross, and impatient.
You feel hounded, micromanaged, interrupted, investigated, invaded, and nitpicked.
Physically, you feel slow-moving and twitchy.
Why Does the Not-a-Bitch Behave Like This?
Your new manager might have a vision that you do not agree with, and her method of fulfilling that vision might not suit you. But this does not make her a bitch. Your new co-worker might be used to working much harder than you do and have great expectations for what you can achieve together. But this does not make her a bitch. Your new employee might be gung-ho and eager to please and may not notice she’s rubbing everyone else the wrong way. But this does not make her a bitch. Overlook how affronted you feel by this woman’s forthright behavior, and you might discover she’s not a bitch at all and that perhaps it’s time for you to improve your game. There are two main reasons why behavior is interpreted as bitchy when it’s not.
1. She Is Just Trying to Do Her Job Properly
If this woman is your supervisor, your manager, or another leader, she might have access to more information than you do, along with greater responsibility and accountability. She might have greater knowledge of the organization’s strategic and operational directions. She might be under enormous pressure from above but has chosen not to divulge those pressures, or she might be under strict instructions to withhold certain information. She might wish to raise or improve minimum work standards, and this can be perceived by staff as unreasonable demands. In her attempts to improve performance, her behavior can be mislabeled as bitchy.
She might be a hard worker who places little value on being nice and charming, but her disregard for chitchat does not make her a bitch.
2. She Has Different Motivations or Agendas from Yours
Differences in age, personal circumstances, and ambitions can lead to different behaviors at work. You might be working with, for example, a Gen-Y “whatever” woman, a “don’t really care” student, or a transient filling in time before her overseas trip or return to study. To her, it’s just a job, and she aims to complete the minimum job requirements. She seems offhand and a bit dismissive. As her supervisor or manager, you may prefer that she did more, but you can’t label her “couldn’t care less” behavior as bitchy. Likewise, if it’s just a job to you, but your manager is keen to advance her career, you can’t really label her snippy behavior as bitchy—she’s probably just trying to get more out of you than you care to give.
Is It Possible You’ve Got It Wrong?
It is hard to admit that your demanding manager might not be a bitch and that the problem possibly lies with you. You may need to accept that you might have become a bit lazy, that you’re being thoughtless, or that you can’t be bothered finding out how your work should be presented. Maybe it’s time for a change of job, or you don’t want to work for someone else anymore. Your own job dissatisfaction doesn’t mean she’s a bitch.
Dealing with the Not-a-Bitch
If you don’t get on with a mean girl at work, consider the possibility that you have contributed to the misunderstanding between the two of you. Your body language might indicate “here she goes again,” or perhaps you deliberately take your time just to show her that you have some power. Perhaps you find it amusing when she is under work pressure and you don’t ask if you can assist. You do not behave like a committed, responsible, and adult member of the team. Think about the fact that you are paid to do a job, and look at the situation objectively.
Within an organization, there are going to be personality clashes and differences of opinion. How we deal with the complexity of the differences is going to vary enormously. If you are a leader, you will make compromises and your team might not be pleased. Some people might use your decisions, compromises, and methods as evidence that you are a controlling, excluding, or insecure bitch when really you are simply doing the best you can with what you have. Regular and timely communications are really important, even if you are simply communicating that there is nothing new to communicate yet.
If you are a staff member who does not have a full picture of the complexities, it is understandable that you are most concerned with those decisions, compromises, and methods that will have an impact on you, and it might be difficult to accept that you are simply paid to do the work that the organization needs to have done. While there are both process and task issues to keep in mi
nd, the bottom line is this: If the organization doesn’t function well, you might not have a job. When viability is threatened, organizations might need to scale back to several things they are good at, the things the market wants to pay them for, and the things they can do better than their competitors. This can lead to layoffs, restructuring, recasting of priorities, or refocusing on tasks being more important than people or consultation.
Remember that all of the people cannot be satisfied all of the time. Work is work—you’re paid to do a job, and it doesn’t matter whether you’re happy or not. Of course, if you’re happy in your job, it’s likely that you will perform better, but primarily, it’s the performance that matters to the organization, not your happiness. If you are unhappy, it might be best that you find another job, rather than label your hardworking, straight-talking colleague a bitch because she has standards and expectations that are different from yours.
A common trap is idealizing the last boss, believing that the new boss falls short. The new boss is abrupt and demanding and has huge expectations. She is not good to work for after your last wonderful boss. If a change of management has brought in this new boss, it’s tempting to feel that you must resent her in order to maintain the rage at the organizational change.
Try not to glamorize your old boss, especially in the initial “getting to know each other” phase, where you will be sorting out your joint expectations and there are bound to be some hiccups. It can be easy to exaggerate all the positives and forget the negatives of your past relationship with your manager. You thought it was thrilling, and you two were doing a dance together that was amazing, but you have probably forgotten how it was at the beginning—there were little glitches to sort out together. Perhaps your last boss had been your first female manager and you were both younger and more dynamic. You worked hard together, but it seemed easier than what this new manager expects.
Working with Bitches Page 13