Perhaps your last co-worker was your career soulmate, and you really miss her. No one else could ever measure up, especially this new woman you are supposed to help induct and settle into the office. She’s not very warm and has an offhand manner. Give it some time—she might be nervous about filling someone else’s big shoes, and perhaps what is really nervousness comes across as a bit bitchy.
The slower and more carefully you get to know your colleagues the better; good relationships take time to build. It was easy with old co-workers, but try to remember that it probably wasn’t at the beginning. Allow your new co-worker some time to get to know you and build up trust gently via little acts of working together. It isn’t fair to expect her to know what you want or how things are done, but there’s every chance she’ll learn over time—don’t compare her with your last co-worker.
You might be resentful about a merger, change of staff, or changes in your area. Possibly you are trying to avoid getting close to anyone again by saying, “I had the best team ever and no new team member will ever measure up.” You’re looking for things that are wrong with the new people. Change makes it difficult to trust people, especially those who have been promoted as a result, or new staff. You might be tired of restructurings, other changes, and a passing parade of people, some of whom are not to your liking, but this does not mean that they are bitches.
Your work area may have grown. Remember that an organization has a range of individual personalities who are unique entities; as soon as the numbers of a group begin to multiply, there are complexities that multiply—and the process of working well together takes a lot more time and effort.
Sometimes it might look like a manager is taking all the credit for your work, but in reality she is just following procedure. In many businesses, it is common work practice for reports and other pieces of work to be submitted under the manager’s name, regardless of who actually did the research, report, or task. At senior levels, they reason that the manager is accountable and responsible for everything that comes from her unit, and it is expected that the work will have her name and not twenty-seven other people’s names. Upper management would argue that it doesn’t need to know her staff. To the staff members who did the work, it might look like the manager is deliberately taking all the credit, but that is not her motivation at all.
A smart manager might find a way to include names or make special mention of key contributors regardless of whether her superiors care. She might let the team’s effort be known so that it is recorded in the minutes, to acknowledge her talented people (after all, the better she looks the faster she’s promoted), and to indicate her style of leadership. In many cases, it would not be appropriate for a manager to leave her name off work or to leave your name on. If you know what the protocols are, it may clarify whether your manager is acting appropriately.
What if you recognize that you have been harsh in your judgments? Get on with the business of working together, and let your performance do the talking.
What to Do When You Work with a Not-a-Bitch
•Learn what is considered acceptable behavior by managers and staff, and refrain from mislabeling this as bitchy.
•Accept that there may be items on your list of duties that you don’t like, but that you will just have to do them. How else do you imagine they’ll get done? Do your job to the best of your ability.
•Don’t lose interest halfway. Always finish tasks.
•Tell the truth: If you haven’t finished something, own up. Don’t blame the person who is asking you to meet deadlines.
•Don’t expect to negotiate everything. Sometimes at work you just need to do what you’re told. When you want to negotiate tasks you don’t want to do (yet are in your job description), you need to appreciate how your manager might feel. When she says, “You have to do it. I am the manager,” understand that she is probably at the end of her tether. It’s not because she is an autocratic bitch.
•At a minimum, do the work that you are paid to do, in a timely manner and with a pleasant attitude.
•When stress is high, cut everyone some slack. Being curt is okay for short periods of stress, but don’t accuse others of being bitches for that.
•If you mess up, apologize as soon as you realize it. Don’t pretend it didn’t happen or try to shift blame elsewhere. Good women make mistakes; great women take responsibility. A simple acknowledgment may suffice: “I recognize that what I did had this effect on you.”
•Don’t gossip about the new people at work. Give them a chance to settle in, rather than pouncing on a trait that you don’t immediately like.
•It isn’t helpful to remind your manager that she is old news and you know more than her because you have just finished your degree, returned from overseas, or worked in a better firm. If she snaps at you, she might be annoyed, but not bitchy.
•Don’t mutter “bitch” under your breath when she has delegated work, returned something for you to rework, or asked why something hasn’t been done. Learn from these experiences and make a mental note—“Next time I have a task, I will note some check-in times and advise her if I have a problem or am running late.”
•Practice active listening. Don’t complain that you are confused and no one explained it to you when you have been told a number of times.
If Your Boss Is a Not-a-Bitch
Cut her some slack. Acknowledge she has pressures you might not be aware of.
Get busy working. Do your job to the best of your ability.
If You Work Alongside a Not-a-Bitch
Get on with the job—thank your lucky stars you’re not working with a real bitch.
If You’re Managing a Not-a-Bitch
If her manner really does leave a bit to be desired, have a word to her. Chances are she’ll appreciate it. Preface the chat by making a point of saying how much you appreciate her focus, efficiency, and dedication.
Are Some Mean Girls Worse Than Others?
While the kinds of mean girls identified by the women interviewed for this book tended to fall equally across the eight types, there are five that emerged as the hardest to deal with in the workplace:
•The Excluder: She ignores you, as if you don’t exist.
•The Insecure: She is a power and control freak.
•The Incompetent: She takes the credit for your work.
•The Narcissist: She’s number one, and there is no other number.
•The Liar: This is the most difficult type of mean girl; she cannot be trusted about anything.
The nature of your work relationship will influence the effect the identified bitchy behavior has on you.
Manager, Colleague, or Support Staff?
Staff might misinterpret a manager’s behavior as bitchy behavior due to lack of either training or clarification of overt and covert rules. Younger staff might have knowledge gaps that older staff fail to recognize, and this can lead to disappointment on both sides. If you are uncertain about your manager’s behavior, try asking a colleague what he or she thinks—a colleague might help you to understand the personality differences and to realize that a personal slight was perhaps not intended.
A manager who has a Toxic staff member has an advantage over someone with a Toxic colleague or support staff. It is easier for a manager to channel the Toxic’s motivations into work output and keep stricter boundaries—if you’re the boss, you have more influence over these people. It is very draining to have a Toxic as a colleague because Toxics waste a huge amount of other people’s time.
Narcissists, Toxics, and Liars are time-consuming to work with if they’re your boss or co-worker, because you need to be constantly aware of the agenda underpinning every statement, request, or activity. It is useful to check in periodically with a mentor, psychologist, or trusted colleague to brainstorm the following questions:
•What does she want?
•What is in this for her?
•What is her hidden agenda?
•What might she k
now that I don’t?
•How might her behavior cause harm to someone at work?
If you have satisfied yourself regarding the answers to these questions, you can assess the level of the effect these bitchy people are having on your well-being. Being aware of what motivates their behavior means you can stay a step ahead and at least you won’t be caught unawares by their manipulative ways.
The hardest bitch to deal with, regardless of the role relationship, is the Liar. Working with a Liar can lead to significant organizational, professional, and personal problems. The best result is to use the company’s performance management process to get the Liar out as soon as possible, but if you are not in a position to influence what can be done, remove yourself. Get as far away as possible because the personal fallout from working with a Liar is often huge.
Of course, it’s easy to say “get a new job,” but you might not be in a position to do so, either financially or emotionally. Chapter 13 discusses how to evaluate whether to stay or go and looks at what price you might pay for your decision.
Other Behavioral Types
There are other problematic personality types you may come across in the workplace—people who are not bitches but who might be difficult to work with. It is beyond the scope of this book to discuss pathology or personality disorders, and it’s not appropriate for the average person to attempt a diagnosis. But you could come across some of these people in the workplace, given that a number of these treatable conditions are considered to appear in around 1–2 percent of the population. The descriptions provided below are not definitive and are included only to show that some behaviors that characterize the listed types of mean girls could signify something other than bitchiness.
People with Bipolar Disorder
When in their manic phase, these people might engage in hyperexcited chatter and incessant ranting, whip through avalanches of tasks, and get caught up in harebrained schemes. Their unreliable work performance usually means they don’t rise to executive levels in the organization. When depressed, they might not be able to attend work. If they manage to make it into work, they might be unable to operate effectively.
People with Asperger’s Syndrome and Mild or Atypical Autism Spectrum Disorders
These people have limited and obsessive interests and display difficulty relating to people. They are poor at reading facial expressions, comprehending emotional states, and handling social conventions. However, in a good-fit job, they bring an exacting expertise. It’s easy to classify some odd behaviors as nasty or conniving, when they are actually symptoms of a disorder. Here are some characteristics of people with Asperger’s syndrome:
•Frequently have excellent technical skills or extensive subject knowledge
•Often exhibit literal and here-and-now thinking
•Are likely to have difficulty with reading emotions in faces or with picking up on other social clues
•Tend to become agitated if confronted
•Often struggle with changes in routine; tend to take a long time to adjust to new situations
•Might have high anxiety
•Tend to think in step-by-step, literal terms
People with Antisocial Personality Disorders
These people are psychopaths—dangerous and frightening to work with. Get far away as quickly as possible. If you can’t leave, do everything in your power to minimize contact.
Psychopaths have no empathy and can only treat people as objects to be used—not subjects in their own right. Their behavior is not considered a personality disorder. It is believed to be innate, not acquired. Psychological counseling is not considered effective in modifying psychopaths’ behavior. They will undertake criminal activity if it suits them.
The behavior of Narcissists and Liars is acquired, not innate; they are capable of some empathy and can treat some people as subjects. Psychological counseling may be effective in modifying behavior.
Much has been written about psychopaths having the killer instincts to get to the top in organizations and holding senior roles such as CEO. Their lack of empathy and morals aids them in getting the task done and beating any competition. Much white-collar crime has been committed by psychopaths. They do not have an emotional life—they merely fake it. Their eyes are often described as black holes that are impossible to read.
It can be tricky to identify a psychopath or sociopath (also named an antisocial personality disorder). To distinguish a psychopath from a garden-variety Liar at work, think about the person’s scruples and observe his or her relationships with others.
Liars are likely to have normal human emotions, such as empathy. Their lies are to avoid humiliation, embarrassment, or responsibility.
With a Liar, we do not expect to encounter criminal activity, embezzlement, violence, or danger.
Finally, if you can’t tell the difference between the psychopath and the Liar by observing criminal tendencies or a complete lack of normal empathy, you can try the sniff test. Recent brain research has identified that callous psychopaths have a strongly impaired sense of smell—if you expose the Liar bitch to noxious smells, does she react? A psychopath may hardly notice any foul smells. Psychiatrists and psychologists who have conducted research and written papers on their observations have identified this difference, and I also speak from professional observation.
If you believe you are working with someone who might be bipolar or who has Asperger’s syndrome or an antisocial personality disorder, don’t attempt to tackle this yourself. Each psychological condition “is what it is” and is unlikely to be just a mean girl. The strategies outlined in the book are not designed to address them.
If you are unable to steer clear and you are having difficulty coping, ask appropriate people for some support. Taking care not to label your colleague, you may wish to seek assistance from HR in how to handle the situation, or consult your manager. Focus on specific problematic work behaviors and not on the person. Remember, you are seeking assistance in how you might manage the work behaviors you are struggling with. Counselors, psychologists, and mentors may also be able to help you.
PART TWO
Understanding How Women Work
There are bitches everywhere, so why not at work? There is still the double standard, so when women are assertive, impatient, or foolishness or demand high standards, it can be interpreted as bitchiness. There is still a lack of socially accepted role models for women as leaders, managers, or other authority figures. Finally, workplace frustrations, the glass ceiling, and the “third-shift” pressures on women—who often bear the bulk of family, home, and community responsibilities outside the workplace—can put them under unbearable loads and drive bitchy, miserable behavior.
—Patricia
Behind the Scenes
You have considered each of the eight bitch types and found one or two reasonable fits for your mean girl at work. That’s a good start, and sometimes you will be able to improve your situation by simply identifying the type and following the appropriate advice. But sometimes it’s not that simple. What if you sense that something more primeval looms beneath her bitchy behavior? And have you considered that the problem might really be about confused communication? This part of the book looks at what else could be going on behind what appears to be bitchiness at work.
First we will look at the roles woman inherit as females—our archetypes—and how this informs who we are. If you can identify the mean girl’s archetype and how this leads her behavior, you will have a better understanding of how she operates.
In addition to being an individual person, females also enact internal roles that usually develop and change over time and circumstance. In a family, for example, you start as daughter. You might then become a traveler or performer, then a mother, and finally a grandmother or wise woman. Or you might be an orphan and an activist. These days, in no particular order, females may occupy all, some, or only a couple of these ancient roles. You might skip some roles or stages or remain locke
d in one particular role.
Our inner blueprints of how we relate to each other are derived from many sources (for example, past role models, parents, teachers, or friends), but we inherit one from a universal unconscious source that humans tap into. Universal roles (archetypes) are in our psyches as inherited ancestral traces.
If your archetypal role doesn’t fit your everyday life experience, there can be trouble. Think of a woman you know who refuses to grow up, who is still using little-girl behaviors to get her way, even though she’s thirty- or forty-something. She has failed to relinquish an outmoded role and hasn’t found a new narrative script to accompany her current reality. Everyone around her suffers. We will examine four main female archetypes—Mother, Companion, Amazon, and Psychic. Any one of these could lie beneath any of the eight bitch types, and they can have both positive and negative effects.
It is often thought that our work relationships are like our family-of-origin relationships—the way we perceive our organizational family is probably similar to how we perceive our family of origin. In the work world, we join an organization or work group “family” and develop relationships with women we work for, work alongside, or oversee. How we go about leading, managing, and following can be affected by our internal universal archetypes as well as our current specific personal experiences.
Working with Bitches Page 14