Working with Bitches

by Meredith Fuller

  Archaic patterns of female bitchiness continued to poison women’s relationships. But in the first flush of feminist gains, it wasn’t named.

  Radical feminist literature spurred women on to examine their lives. Women were encouraged to examine their relationships, men’s position and treatment of women in society, and the compromises that marriage required. Women began searching for their independence in order to explore their full potential and how to get ahead in their careers. Some women’s life priorities changed; they left marriages to pursue their careers unencumbered and uncompromised. Some ambitious young women decided not to have children, others took their children with them, and some left their children with their partners.

  Before the 1960s, female support staff in various organizations most likely had less power either to make improvements or to wreak damage in the workplace. The rapid socio-politico-techno-geoenviro-familial changes that have been spreading from around the 1980s have contributed to a totally different landscape for women. The world of work is chaotic and counterintuitive as new shapes form. It isn’t surprising that we suffer from excesses—from stress, consumerism, poverty, ennui, anxiety, depression, and bitchiness.

  By the 1980s, women were in professional roles in the workforce—everything changed as the new breed came in following feminist gains. But also by the late 1980s, feminist fervor had dissipated. Hard-won gains from the past twenty years were beginning to be taken for granted. Some conundrums have remained, such as tension between work inside and outside the home. Women may be the business manager, the bookkeeper, and the marketing guru, but they are usually also responsible for the housework. Fortunately, we are seeing this divide beginning to crumble as Gen-Y men and women expect to take on partnership in all tasks. The growth in service industries, such as housecleaning, dog walking, and hire-a-whatever, has also become a way to solve a problem.

  Global trends have influenced role exchanges and choice for both sexes. Regardless of their generation, in this decade it is far more common for the male to be the primary carer at home while the female works outside the home. Myriad courses and places to study have meant easy access to college. Local communities and families encourage life-long further education for a broad range of careers for people, regardless of gender.

  Belinda, 54, Corporate Communications

  When I was in my early forties, I noticed that I fell right in the middle of two distinct groups at work. I was twenty years older than some of my colleagues and twenty years younger than others. Depending on the situation, I would align myself more closely with the younger or older women. Generally, if it was about technology, I’d play the “older” card, so no one would expect too much of me and I’d get the maximum training on new systems. But if it was about how to deal with people, manage multiple projects, or do damage control, I’d feel confident in my abilities but not out-of-date, so I might side more with the younger ones. I felt I could influence them to consider all angles of a situation. It was a good feeling, being in the middle.

  Now I see that the younger ones view me as definitely part of the older group at work, but I try not to think about people in terms of age. I’m still confident in my ability to deal with people and difficult situations, and if anything, I’ve gotten better at that in the last decade. I feel wiser than my younger self. I get frustrated by some younger females’ burning desire to get to the top, to what they see as the good part of our industry, and I don’t like their offhandedness when I’m on the receiving end of a blunt e-mail, but I’m comforted by the fact that they’ll get wiser, too. I have a daughter in her late twenties and have watched her wise up a bit as far as working with other people goes. It’s all about experience. I love the way they stick up for themselves—I wish I’d developed that skill a bit earlier!

  Sonya, 47, Travel Industry

  I took a young employee with me to another country. Upon our return, she told a number of people, “Oh, Sonya was missing in action a lot of the time!” Now, what is the motivation for making that statement? It was neither accurate nor valid. This is quite destructive, and interestingly, it was my role to assess her performance. I later found out that on the trip, she had demanded a room with a pool, had late-night drinks in her room, and spent quite a bit of time socializing. I dare say her misrepresentation of my behavior was an attempt to divert attention from hers—I’ve seen this kind of diversionary tactic many times, often with significant consequences for the one making the wild claims. I immediately discussed the situation with the young employee and clarified role expectations.

  Demeter, 42, Management Consulting

  Gen Ys may have more agility, but there’s no delayed gratification! Most Gen Ys are more overt—they lightly out themselves, revealing their feelings, while we are less inclined to reveal ourselves, our attitudes, and our values. We Gen Xers can see disclosure as being self-absorbed and self-important. We hate having our boundaries trampled on by Gen Ys. Within the context of Gen Ys’ constantly sharing minute details of their personal lives, our reaction is distaste, not jealousy. As Gen Xers, we don’t want such a high level of self-disclosure of minutiae—we’d prefer some distance from stream-of-consciousness revelations, moment by moment. Facebook fervor is so Gen Y!

  Women who are midcareer can feel threats from below as well as from their peers. They might be contemplating a career change or making a last effort to get to the top, and they are threatened by the younger, smarter women coming up behind them and the ruthless ambition of some women in their own age group. Self-preservation might be their motivation, but the resulting behavior can look like bitchiness. Remember that these women are a great source of knowledge and experience.

  Working with Older Women

  Women who started working in the early 1960s can be more than forty years older than some of the young women they work with. These two groups are at either end of their working life, and their experience of working life could not be more different. Many women from each of these groups recount positive experiences of working together—both groups have a great deal to learn from each other, and neither sees the other as a real threat.

  In the late 1950s and early 1960s, it was customary for married men to work two jobs to provide for their families. Women were required to leave the workforce when they married. Most women became housewives who cared for the children, and returning to work was not a real option. A significant change came with the pill in 1961. Women had control of their own lives for the first time. Taken for granted today, the pill enabled sovereignty over reproduction. Until then, women had far fewer choices.

  Then came the juggle of being a wife, mother, and worker. Some women’s mothers were quite bitchy about their daughters’ decisions to exercise choices that hadn’t been available to them. Other mothers were delighted to see their daughters live the older women’s unfulfilled dreams and attempt to have it all.

  There are women in their late sixties and into their seventies at work in many industries, or they’re running businesses and consulting practices. Since the global financial crisis, a number of older women have rejoined the workforce out of necessity. Our life spans are extending, and soon we can reasonably expect to live to over one hundred. A very broad age range in the workplace is here to stay.

  Anne, 70s, Education and Retail

  I was in the first generation to return to work after having children. My mother told me that going back to work was fine as long as my husband’s dinner was ready and the children were bathed before he arrived home. It took me four years after my return to work to see myself as a person in my own right who was entitled to work, rather than just seeing myself helping out my husband financially. I think most Gen Ys are terrific, and we are leaving the world in great hands. I applaud their outspokenness. The young women in their twenties have so much more confidence than we did at their age.

  Morna Sturrock, 87, Research

  Morna has a five-year position undertaking research on interfaith activity. As she says, given her ag
e, her position is certainly a faith activity! She’s a good example of a working woman in her eighties—she is currently writing her seventh book and is active in both the local historical society that she founded thirty years ago and the Embroiderers Guild that she cofounded fifty years ago. A former journalist, a local council member, and a historian, she still takes commissions for ceremonial embroidery and has a hectic schedule that includes public speaking, reading, and being a mother of four and a grandparent.

  My mother never said a bitchy word about anyone, and this was how I was raised. I didn’t come across any bitchy behavior during my education. I was treated as an equal, a bit of a dreamer, and a bit religious. When I began working in a university, there were a couple of elitist snobs—but I noticed that they treated everyone in the same cold manner, so I didn’t take their comments personally. You can’t expect every woman to be equally warm—you find pleasantness with most and must accept the coldness or disinterest of others.

  While I didn’t come across bitchy women in my professional career, I have found some bitchy women in the voluntary sector. Active in many groups, I was running for president in one. A woman marched up to me, saying “I won’t be voting for you, because you are far too well known already and certainly don’t need any more glory!” I was particularly hurt by this comment, especially as she tells people that she has never made a bitchy remark and never received one.

  When a woman does behave like a bitch, I naturally feel betrayed and hurt. But I try to understand why she is like that. It may be that she’s unhappy or that no one likes her, so she’s cruel to compensate for not having anything to say. I work at forgiving her. A bitch knows who to target—she knows who she can hurt and comes back again and again to the target, but she will not try this on those who have the strength to push her right back.

  Involved women do not like laziness, inefficiency, or incompetence. Women respect an able leader—if they respect her, they may not like her, but respect does make for harmony in a group. Some women are not good leaders; not doing the task well can frustrate women and the consequence of that can be seen as bitchy. Personality is another issue—catty, rude fights can come from personality clashes.

  I have been at some ghastly meetings where women are saying dreadful things to each other, and it can escalate into screaming; then again the men can be far worse! If you are in the chair, don’t be afraid to close a meeting before it gets out of hand.

  While it is harder in a paid job, bitchiness in voluntary groups can eat into you, and so you must ask, why would you keep going? If we can’t stand each other, why are we going there? I have better things in my life to do. Distance yourself.

  As women grow older, they become aware of what they don’t know, and as they become older still, they realize how little they do know. They become wiser, confident enough to say, “I don’t know” when questioned about something. Often, older women don’t particularly wish to run big organizations and are instead flocking to boutique firms, creating their own businesses, venturing abroad, balancing multiple jobs, and playing with their vocational curiosities, and have less concern for the level of pay. In effect, older women are becoming as resourceful at work as their young colleagues.

  For younger women, the older woman at work can often be their greatest allies. The older woman is often less threatened, she’s happier to share her experience in exchange for help in an area she’s less skilled in (usually technology), and she overlooks traits she knows are probably fashionable and therefore temporary.

  Getting the Best out of Each Other

  Women have pioneered home-based businesses and created new ways of working, with their capacity for simply doing the work that needs to be done in their own way. For the first time, older women are appearing in the workforce in droves at more-senior levels, having returned or not having left, or as directors of their own companies.

  In the next decade, the work world might begin to pay attention to how we can actually value individual difference in the workplace instead of merely saying we do. There are confident, sassy, assertive women and sensitive, empathic, tentative women of all ages in all sorts of workplaces. Some of those women are bitchy types, and many are not.

  Amanda, 53, Communications Management

  Recently, I’ve experienced the frustration of working with a tight-knit group of Gen-Y girls. It’s the first time I’ve really thought about how different generations work together, and I’ve had to acknowledge that their view of the world and how people work is very different from mine. Especially together, they are real bitches. They’re unwilling to do anything that isn’t in their job descriptions, they’re often “too busy” to do things at short notice, and I find myself wondering what’s happened to good old-fashioned digging in under pressure to get a job done. Part of me admires the way they stand up for themselves and won’t be pushed around, until I witness them bending over backward for the big boss, a male. I guess they see that as advancing their own cause.

  I was caught unawares the other day when Katja—the leader of the pack—was almost in tears because she’d had terrible feedback from a client. Katja had forgotten that there was a person on the receiving end of her offhand communication, and the client was angry. I decided to be a grown-up, rather than indulge in some petty revenge, and asked her if she needed advice. We ended up having a good chat about the value of picking up the phone and owning your mistakes. I bit my tongue about slowing down and considering other people in the ruthless pursuit of your career goals, and focused on how to repair the situation. This was quite a good experience for both of us. You really can’t fast-track good communication.

  I charged at everything like a bull at a gate in my twenties, but I had good friends and family who told me to pull my head in when I went too far. I definitely wised up in my thirties. I wonder if these young women will wise up, too, and whether this is an extreme stage they’re going through, where their knowledge is extraordinary as is their mastery over technology. Face-to-face, rather than Facebook, communication is their weak spot—that takes time.

  I’m taking the view that while they present as bitches in that they’re dismissive, snippy, unhelpful, pushy, and self-serving, they’re probably not bitches. They’re just different from me, and hopefully one day, they’ll snap out of it!

  Humanistic working environments where human capital is considered the organization’s greatest asset are more likely to function well. Rapacious technology without reflection—charging ahead because we can, without considering the moral or ethical issues—can distance women from self-connection, let alone connection with others. Many people seem to be running in circles, wanting immediate gratification for all things emotional in a technological age that provides instant response for data and information.

  Although the youngest generation is altering social and gender expectations, women still face many particular challenges not as commonly faced by men. These challenges include infertility, in vitro fertilization, pregnancy, caring for elderly parents or disabled relatives, poverty, addicted and homeless friends. In addition to having adult children stay at home longer, women are exhorted to be “hot” around the clock and to effortlessly juggle everything so that they shine in all undertakings. Many women are tired, stressed, and resentful.

  Historically, most women internalized anger, thus sacrificing themselves. If a woman externalizes her anger, then she is labeled a bitch.

  Reflect on, and analyze, the situation before deciding she’s a bitch, especially if her behavior is uncharacteristic or has come about suddenly. Perhaps she isn’t really a bitch, but simply a victim of a chaotic event, She may be under enormous strain or worry and possibly unaware of what she’s doing. Asking how things are going for her and discussing work morale may be a crucial step in finding a way forward.

  Jenny Stephens, 60, Temporary International Management Services

  If there is a problem with a female in the workplace, my way of dealing with it is to talk with the person
concerned and try to see how we could work best together and to complement each other rather than be in opposition. So most definitely try to sort it out first so both people can benefit. Sometimes the female is completely unaware of what she is doing and will change as soon as she receives feedback. It’s a waste of time for people to get caught up in bitching. Why is the organization allowing this behavior? Good leadership and effective management should mean that the reasons for these sorts of destructive behaviors are untangled and addressed constructively. If people are unhappy, they do not do their best work, and this erodes organizational and personal success. So I say to my teams, do not complain and undermine from within—it affects everyone. If you have a problem, bring it out into the open, suggest a way forward, and we will discuss this and resolve it in the best way we can.

  However, if things are going badly awry, I have a sufficient sense of self to make the choice not to stay if the workplace is vile—don’t suffer unnecessarily if you have the capacity to make that choice and you have made every effort to address the problem. There are other wonderfully interesting jobs, and life is too short to stay in a place in which, for whatever reason, you are unable to flourish.

  In an ideal world, we would stay mindful of the need to care for others and especially ourselves. Wouldn’t it be great if we could morph a stressful, bitchy workplace into a kaleidoscopic working world that values individual difference, enabling us to live our purpose being congruent and respectful of others? Reviewing the complexity of generational differences, individual life stage differences, and the current milieu, we can see that this is a tall order. Where possible, we must try to establish a good working rapport with our direct supervisor. Our work life is less problematic if we can avoid reporting to a bitch and working alongside a bitch. By selecting places with clear communication from the leadership and by developing our own clear communication skills, we can support a functional work culture.