Josh and Hazel's Guide to Not Dating

by Christina Lauren

  Not that that’s saying much.

  Reid is a workaholic. Chris is gorgeous and accomplished, mentoring fellow African American chemists right here at the university. But he’s also picky and serious, and works the same insane hours as Reid does. And me? Honestly, maybe I’m just lazy.

  Alex counts out his spaces and sets the dice in the center of the board. “You’re talking about the one with the eye patch?”

  Okay, that jogs my memory.

  Ed isn’t amused. “She did not have an eye patch.”

  “Actually, I remember her, too,” I say. “I distinctly recall seeing a patch covering an eye.” I motion to the board and the neat row of hotels lined up there. “PS, it’s your turn and if you roll anything other than a two—which will land you in Jail—you are fu-ucked.”

  “Slumlords,” Ed mutters, but rolls the dice anyway. I have no idea how, but he does—miraculously—roll a two, and does a celebratory fist pump before scooting his little car into the space marked Jail. A momentary reprieve from the rows and rows of Alex’s hotels. “And it wasn’t an eye patch, it was a small bandage. We were being . . . amorous and things got a little crazy.”

  “A little crazy as in . . .” I trail off, deciding I might not really want the answer.

  Reid laughs over the top of his glass. When Ed doesn’t immediately clarify, though, his smile slowly straightens, and a hush falls over the room as we’re all left to mentally unravel this, logistically. “Wait. Seriously?”

  I tidy up the meager remains of my money. “He did say it was a small bandage.”

  Reid falls forward onto the table laughing, and maybe it’s the fact that half my blood has to be wine at this point, but I’m reminded all over again that the first thing I noticed about him was his smile.

  Just over two years ago, Reid and I were introduced by my then-boyfriend Dustin, the department chair for criminology. (Yes, this means that my ex-boyfriend is now my boss—the reason I will never date someone I work with again.) Reid was new to UCSB, and at the dedication of a new computer science building, Dustin made some crack about it being the first time anyone had seen Reid outside his lab. Apparently Reid and his fiancée had just broken up; her first complaint was that Reid spent too much time at work. I didn’t know that at the time, but I found out later that Dustin had. Reid laughed at the little dig and continued to smile warmly as we shook hands. I had a tiny, immediate crush on that sparkling, crinkly-eyed smile that survived the sting of Dustin’s underhanded jabs.

  For un-Reid-related reasons, I broke up with Dustin a few months later, but because it turns out no one liked Dustin anyway, I got to keep Reid, and all his friends, too: Chris and Reid went to graduate school together, Ed joined Reid’s lab as a postdoc shortly after he was hired, and Alex shared lab space with Chris when they were both new faculty at UCSB. I’m the only non-sciencey person in the group, but at work and at home, these guys have become my sweet little chosen family of sorts.

  “So,” Chris says, “I’m going to take that as a no, on the still dating question.”

  Ed rolls again, happy when he doesn’t manage a double and gets to remain safely in jail. “Correct.”

  “Then who are you inviting to the commencement banquet?” Chris asks.

  Reid pulls his attention from the board and over to Chris. “Do we have to think about that yet? The banquet is in June. It’s only March.”

  Chris smiles and looks smugly around the table. “I take it none of you heard the rumor about this year’s speaker.”

  Reid searches his expression. “The speaker will make me want to bring a date?”

  Chris stands and walks into the kitchen to grab another beer. “I heard a rumor that Obama is giving the commencement address, and a keynote at the Deans’ Banquet. Black tie, plus-one, the whole nine.”

  We all gasp, deeply, in unison.

  “I got word that the chancellor is going to announce it this week,” he adds.

  “No way.” Ed stares at him, eyes wide behind his thick glasses. “Oh. I am definitely going this year.”

  Reid laughs, picking up the dice “You’re supposed to go every year.”

  “Last year the commencement speaker was Gilbert Gottfried. I don’t think I missed anything.”

  “I actually wanted to talk to you guys about this,” Chris says. “None of us is dating anyone—” He stops, glancing to where Ed is balancing a cork on his nose and counting to see how long he’s able to do it.

  “Look at this, Millie.” Ed stretches his arms out. “Ten seconds, no hands.”

  Chris turns back to the rest of us. “—or has any serious prospects,” he continues slowly. “Who are we taking?”

  Ed straightens, catching the cork in his palm. “Why can’t we all go together?”

  “Because it’s not junior prom,” Chris says.

  “We can’t just go solo?”

  “I mean, you could,” Chris says, “but this is gonna be a big deal with dancing and coupley stuff. Go solo and be the loner, go in a group and we’re the table of dudes—and Mills—sitting there awkwardly. We should get dates.”

  Reid rolls his dice and begins counting out his turn. “I call Millie.”

  “You call me?”

  “Whoa, whoa.” Derailed from his initial argument, Chris turns to Reid with a frown. “If we’re just going to pair up, why’d you pick her?”

  Reid shrugs and gives a vague nod in my direction. “She looks better in a ball gown.”

  Ed seems genuinely insulted. “You have obviously never seen me in one.”

  “I took you to the Deans’ Banquet last year,” Chris reminds Reid. “We had an awesome time.”

  His turn completed, Reid drops the dice onto the center of the board and picks up his drink. “We did. I’m just being fair and going with someone else this time.”

  Ed smacks Chris’s shoulder. “I’m more Reid’s type. Remember that cute bartender he liked? The one with the curly hair?” He makes a show of pointing to his head and the mass of auburn curls there. “Tell me we wouldn’t look great together.”

  “I can beat that.” Alex brings up a foot to rest on the table and rolls up the hem of his jeans, flexing his calf muscle. “Reid is a leg man. Just look at these stems. I could spin you all around that dance floor.”

  Reid watches each of them, bemused. “I mean, technically speaking, Millie is my type. Being female and whatnot.”

  “Is it weird to anyone that this roomful of straight men is fighting over Reid and not me?” I ask.

  Chris, Alex, and Ed seem to give this fair consideration before answering “No” in unison.

  I lift my glass of wine and take a deep swallow. “Okay, then.”

  Finally, Reid stands, carrying his empty glass into the kitchen. “Millie, you need anything?”

  “Other than tips on how to develop an alluring female presence?” I ask. “I’m good. Thanks.”

  At the counter Reid rinses his glass and bends to open the dishwasher, carefully setting it inside. It’s something I’ve seen him do a hundred times, and I don’t know if it’s the talk of dates, or the wine, or if Reid is just looking particularly good in that dark gray shirt, but tonight, I don’t look away.

  I watch as he easily moves around the kitchen, picking up stray dishes near the sink and loading them into the correct tray. I can see the muscles in his back flex as he bends when he’s done, rubbing a hand over the broad head of Chris’s silver Labrador, Maisie.

  I’ve had enough to drink that my limbs feel loose and pliable; my stomach feels warm. My brain is a little fuzzy around the edges—just enough to block out my tendency to overthink everything. Instead, my mind meanders around the fact that Reid doing something as mundane as loading a dishwasher and petting a dog is absolutely fascinating.

  With the kitchen tidied up, Reid extends his arms above his head in a leisurely stretch. My eyes are like magnets and follow the lines of his body, the way the fabric of his shirt pulls tight across his chest and strains along t
he curve of his biceps. I get a peek of stomach.

  Reid has a really nice stomach.

  I bet he’d look great with that shirt all the way off . . .

  Kneeling above me, arms outstretched, fingers wrapped around the headboard while he—

  Whoa.

  I mean . . . WHOA. Where did that come from?

  I fix my attention down at the dining room table and it’s a full five seconds before I dare to move again. I just had a sex thought about Reid. Reid. Reid Campbell, who always roots for the underdog in any sporting event, who pretends he enjoys classical music so Chris doesn’t go alone to the symphony, who buys a new pair of running shoes precisely every six months.

  When he returns to the table and sits down next to me, if the pounding of my heart is any indication, I do not look like I’m thinking about resuming our fascinating game of Monopoly.

  I blink over to my empty wineglass, eager to point blame in the most convenient place. How many of these did I have? Two? Three? More? I’m not hammered, but I’m not exactly sober, either.

  I’m the kind of tipsy where I should want to hug everyone, not pull my best friend’s pants down.

  GAH.

  Strictly platonic best guy friend. Strictly platonic best guy friend.

  Heat rushes to my face and I stand so quickly my chair teeters on its back legs. Four sets of curious eyes swing in my direction, and I turn, making a beeline for the bathroom.

  “Millie?” Reid calls after me. “You okay?”

  “Gotta pee!” I shout over my shoulder, not stopping until I’m safely inside the bathroom and the door is firmly closed behind me.

  Normally I laugh when confronted with one of the dozen roosters we’ve given Chris over the past two years. But now? Not so much. The cock thing began as a joke—Chris complimented a giant rooster painting at Ed’s mom’s house, and she gave it to him on the spot—so of course every birthday, Valentine’s day, and Christmas present since has been some form of rooster décor. But even the sight of one of my favorites—a RISE AND SHINE MOTHER CLUCKERS sign I got him for his last birthday—only makes me think of the cock joke, which makes me think of penises, which reminds me of the image of Reid naked, in my bed, on top of me.

  Hands on the counter, I lean in to examine my reflection and, okay . . . it could be better. My cheeks are flushed, my eyes a little glassy. My eyeliner and mascara have converged in a dark smear below my lower lids.

  Kneeling, arms outstretched, fingers wrapped around the headboard—

  With the faucet on as high as it will go, I clean up and splash cold water on my face. It helps a little—cooling down my skin and clearing out the haze so I can think.

  It’s not that I find Reid unappealing in a sexual way—he’s gorgeous and brilliant and hysterical—but he’s also my best friend. My Reid. The guy who held my hand during an emergency root canal and dressed up as Kylo Ren when we went to see The Last Jedi on my twenty-ninth birthday. I’m close with the other guys, but for whatever reason, it’s different with Reid. Not that kind of different, but . . . closer. Maybe it’s because he always knows to find me in the true crime section of the bookstore. Maybe it’s because he has a level of intuition that I’ve never known in a friend before. Maybe it’s because we can be quiet together, and it’s never weird.

  I squeeze my eyes shut; it’s hard to have an existential crisis when you’re drunk. Part of me thinks I should head to the nearest exit, but the other part thinks we should just . . . hug it out.

  There’s a knock at the door and I step back just far enough to open it a crack. It’s Reid, looking sweetly disheveled with a dish towel still slung over his shoulder.

  God damn it.

  I straighten, hoping I look more sober than I feel. “Hi.”

  “Everything okay?” he asks.

  “Totally.” I lean against the doorframe in an attempt to appear casual. All this really does is bring my face within inches of his, which somehow makes me feel drunker. “You know how I am with wine. Goes right through me.”

  I’m an idiot, but before I can regret what I’ve said, he’s laughing. Why does he always laugh at my dumb jokes?

  “Ed and Alex are headed out,” he says quietly. “You can’t drive. Can I take you home?”

  “I’m not drunk.” This statement would carry more weight if I didn’t hiccup immediately after saying it. “And I wasn’t going to drive.”

  He tilts his head and a piece of soft brown hair falls forward, curling over his forehead. My brain immediately sides with Team Hug It Out.

  “Come on,” he says. “You can control the radio on the way.”

  ··········

  It’s sunny and perfect in Santa Barbara at least three hundred days a year. We get most of our meager rainfall in early spring, and as we drive down Highway 1 at midnight—windows open and Arcade Fire blasting on the radio—it smells like a storm in the distance.

  “Did you have a good night?” I ask, rolling my head to see him. It takes a few seconds for my eyes to refocus. The inside of the car is dark, his profile in shadow.

  “I did.”

  “Does it feel different?”

  He turns to me and smiles, the tips of his lashes glowing gold in the light from the dashboard. “What? Tenure?”

  “Yeah. Knowing you can only be fired for incompetence or gross misconduct.”

  He laughs. “Define gross misconduct again?”

  “Sexual harassment, murder, embezzlement . . .”

  “You’re kind of making it sound like a dare.” He reaches for my hand where it sits on the console between us and squeezes my fingers. “You cold? I can turn on the seat warmers if you want to keep the window open for air.”

  “I’m good,” I say, but he keeps hold of my fingers anyway. “Maybe with less time in the lab and more in the classroom, you can cut back a little. Have more time to yourself.”

  “To do what? Play pinball with Ed?”

  “I don’t know,” I say, “explore new hobbies, find yourself, date. You work too much.”

  He turns to me again and grins adorably. “Why would I need a date when I already have you for the banquet?”

  I roll my eyes. “I mean, like, in the general sense.”

  “Okay, Pot. When’s the last time you went out with someone who wasn’t one of us?”

  I search my memory, counting back five . . . six months, and can’t help but recall the veritable wasteland my sex life has become. I’ve been stressed with deadlines and family stuff and my brain is just looking for an escape pod, a little release. No wonder I’m having sex thoughts about Reid.

  When it takes me too long to answer, he gives my fingers another squeeze. “Need me to get out a calendar? I think I have an abacus in my office.”

  “I think it was Carson? The barista who worked at Cajé.”

  In the dark I see his eyes narrow as he thinks. “Wasn’t he younger than you?”

  “A few years,” I say with a shrug.

  “Seven years,” he corrects. “And he had a nose ring.”

  That was some impressive recollection, Reid. “Men date younger women all the time and get a pat on the back. Why does dating a younger guy automatically make me a cougar?”

  He holds up a hand. “I am not calling you a cougar. Listen, if twenty-one-year-old college me had had the chance to bang beautiful twenty-eight-year-old you, I’d have done it in a hot second.”

  Wait, what?

  A shiver moves down my spine and he notices, shifting to run a hand along my arm. “You have goose bumps.”

  “Oh.” I reach over to close the window. “I guess it’s chillier than I thought.”

  “So what happened? Between you and—”

  “Carson,” I finish for him. “Nothing happened. He was twenty-one. There weren’t a lot of places it could go.”

  “You mean, it was just sex.”

  I’m thankful we’re still sitting in the dark so he can’t see me get all blushy and awkward. “My muscle tone had nev
er been better.”

  Reid barks out a scandalized laugh.

  “I’m not lying. What about you? When was your last . . . you know?”

  “Hmm.” He taps his thumb against the steering wheel. “My last you know. I’m not sure. You probably know my life as well as I do. You tell me.”

  “You work all the time.”

  “Funny thing about that,” he says with a grin. “It’s probably how I got tenure.”

  I concede this with a dorky little nod. He turns down State Street, which, this time of night, is the quickest route to my house. I watch as we dart past the streetlights one by one.

  “Does that make us lame?” I wonder. “That we’ve been single this long and nobody in our group is in an actual relationship? Ed and Alex date more than us, maybe even Chris, but it never goes anywhere. Is it possible we’re all enabling each other to die alone? Are we turning into a weird celibacy cult?”

  “We’re definitely enabling each other.”

  “But should we be worried about that?” I ask. “One of the many, many problems I had with Dustin was that he wanted a good little wife. I’m not even sure I have that gene and haven’t been with anyone long-term since him. You haven’t since Isla. Does that make us failures?”

  “I think it means the opposite, actually,” he says, pulling into my driveway and shifting the car into park. He turns to face me. “Let me ask you a question. Do you love your career?”

  I don’t even have to think about it. “One hundred percent.”

  “Well, there you go. And even if we are enabling each other, who cares? You could never die alone, because you have me.”

  It’s suddenly quiet in the car and I know I should go inside. I should wash my face and put my pajamas on and go straight to bed.

  I should let Reid go home.

  The problem is I don’t want to.

  “Come inside with me,” I say, pushing open my door and already climbing out. The air is cool and smells like the ocean, but it’s not enough to drown out whatever buzz is still humming in my veins or make me come to my senses.

  I have no idea what I’m doing or what’s happening between us, but when I reach the porch and pull out my keys, Reid is right behind me.