by Ana McKenzie
Merren was shaking her head when Macy called up the stairs.
‘Car’s here.’
‘What?’ Merren said. She hadn’t said any of what she needed to yet. ‘Why’s it so early?’ Her hand got another squeeze. ‘Macy has organised a pre-gala drinks thing for me and a few key others, so they can hear the news about my vision in a more private setting.’ Bianca grimaced. ‘Oh this is all going to be so awful. But she thought it would help, and she’s right.’ Bianca’s eyes closed, then fluttered open as she shivered under the bright light of her bedroom. ‘This is all happening so fast. I wish we’d had more time to prepare.’ She drew in a deep breath and smiled at Merren. ‘But at least it’s thanks in good part to you that I have the confidence to go and do any of this tonight.’
Merren shook her head. ‘I’m happy to do anything I can to help you – you know that.’
A wide smile greeted her words. ‘Good. That means you’re coming with me tonight, no matter what. You said you’d be happy to do guide dog duties.’ She grimaced again. ‘And god knows I’m going to need that.’ She dropped Merren’s hand and shook her own out as though to dry them. ‘I’m nervous again.’
She pushed past Merren and went to the door. ‘Ready?’ she asked. ‘The car’s waiting.’
Merren closed her own eyes for a moment, then snapped them open again. Her throat was dry. She nodded, reluctantly. ‘Okay,’ she said.
Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as Naomi had predicted. Things were rarely as bad as you thought they would be. And Bianca was reaching for her with a hand that was shaking like a leaf in a stiff breeze. She couldn’t not go. That was obvious.
All down the stairs and in the car, she practised her deep breathing, trying to stay calm. It didn’t help that Bianca was a bundle of nerves beside her, hand clutching Merren’s in hers, fingers tight around her own.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Bianca let out a breath in relief. It was going well, so far. Macy had done her job well, organising a small group of important people to meet before the gala for an informal drink. Fortunately, she also did most of the talking, because Bianca had found that her tongue seemed to be coated in sand, her mouth as dry as a desert. She’d almost bolted from the room at one stage, when they’d first got there, and she’d seen how poorly lit it was, and how everyone was just looming shadows. But just then, a steadying hand appeared at her elbow, and it was Merren leaning in to whisper in her ear.
‘Be steady,’ she said. ‘You’re doing great.’ Merren’s voice did its work, like it always did, and there was a little bit of saliva in her mouth, and she could swallow again without feeling like she was going to choke. ‘I can’t see anything,’ she whispered back. ‘It’s too dark in here.’ She tittered nervously. ‘It looks like a child’s closet full of bogeymen in here.’
‘Baby,’ Merren replied. ‘It looks that way to me too, and I can see perfectly well. Where did Macy Joy find these people?’
That made her laugh properly, some of the tension draining out of her body.
‘You’re wicked,’ she said. ‘They’re all Very Important People in the art scene.’
‘The art scene needs some fresh blood. I see why you didn’t want to bring me along as your date. Do they even know you’re gay?’
She wasn’t sure if Merren was teasing, just to make her feel better, because what she’d said was true. In these circles, her sexuality had always been glossed over, ignored, even when she’d had Bess with her. Macy was still droning on, and now if she was at the part of her prepared spiel Bianca thought she was, there were photographs being passed around. Photos of one of the paintings she was currently playing with. God, but she’d made sure to tell Macy she had to emphasise that it was nowhere near a finished piece, and probably never would be. Macy described it as an exploratory work.
The feel of Merren’s hand on her elbow was comforting. If she was still enough, she could feel Merren’s light breath on her neck, and she liked that as well. In fact, she concentrated on that, and managed to breathe a little easier herself.
She’d introduced Merren to the group as someone who had been assisting her in getting back to painting, and Merren had been perfect. Leaning forward to greet the group, her voice smooth and calm, then stepping back slightly behind Bianca, so that Bianca could feel her steady presence.
She needed that presence, she realised, and was glad again Merren had decided to come. For a moment before they left, she’d thought Merren was going to refuse, but thankfully that hadn’t come to pass. She reached surreptitiously to pat at Merren’s gentle hand.
Maybe at some stage, they could go somewhere as a couple. After all, she could play the eccentric artist card, couldn’t she? And have a much younger lover? So far, Merren hadn’t shown any sign at all of wanting the limelight as Bianca’s date, or lover, or whatever. Maybe she was genuine after all in her desire just to be with Bianca.
Macy had finished speaking now, and Merren’s hand on her elbow was more insistent, steering her forward into the cluster of people. Bianca tipped her head to the side and listened to the question the Art Gallery’s chairman of the board was asking her. Merren’s hand dropped from her elbow, but when she flapped a hand behind her in a sudden panic, fingers caught hers and squeezed.
Bianca sighed in relief and went back to attending to the people there to see her. Merren was right behind her. A comforting presence at her back.
Bianca was getting through it. Every time it got to feeling overwhelming, fielding questions about her blindness, about the new ways she had to work, there Merren was, stepping forward with a gentle word or touch. She always seemed to know the right time, as well.
‘How do you do that?’ Bianca asked in a spare moment.
‘Do what?’
Bianca shook her head. ‘Always know when to step forward, when I’m about to lose my mind?’
There was a smile in Merren’s voice when she answered her question; Bianca could hear it there. ‘I pay attention,’ she said.
Bianca rolled her eyes. ‘You pay attention?’
‘Yep, of course I do.’
‘I don’t understand,’ Bianca whispered. She put a hand on Merren’s arm, felt her shrug.
‘When you start feeling overwhelmed, your breathing gets shallow,’ Merren said, and Bianca turned her face towards her, gaping at her.
‘You’re listening to my breathing?’ she asked.
‘Among other things. You tense up, as well, and you have the habit of pulling on your hair when you’re agitated. You’re trying not to, but your left hand inches towards your head every now and then.’
Bianca was silent for a moment, digesting that. ‘You really do pay attention,’ she said at last. ‘I feel at a disadvantage. I don’t think I’ve been paying that close attention to you.’ In fact, now that the thought had occurred to her – she was certain she hadn’t.
Merren’s voice spoke in her ear next, and the nearness of it made Bianca gasp.
‘It’s never too late to start, Bianca,’ Merren whispered. ‘And you’ve had a lot going on.’
Bianca nodded and looked away. ‘You’re a pretty amazing person,’ she said.
‘So are you, Bianca. You really are.’
Bianca’s mouth was dry again. If she wasn’t blind, she would think she was seeing clearly at last. As it was, she sifted through her mind for the right metaphor. And couldn’t find one. They all had to do with eyes.
‘I think I’m seeing you clearly right at the moment,’ she said, giving up.
‘What? You can see properly suddenly? How is that?’ There was surprised excitement in Merren’s words, and Bianca wanted to find her lips and kiss her for it. But she could hear voices growing closer again. Macy was herding people back her way. She’d had her few minutes breather.
‘No,’ she said in a rushed whisper. ‘I think I’m paying attention,’ She emphasised Merren’s own words. ‘To you.’
There was a slight pause, and then Merren echoed her own desire. ‘I
want to kiss you.’ Bianca closed her eyes, feeling herself suddenly shiver – not with apprehension this time, but emotion, arousal.
‘I want you to,’ she managed to say.
Fingers brushed against her wrist, electricity in their tips. Bianca shuddered.
‘Oh my god,’ she moaned under her breath.
‘I know,’ Merren whispered back. ‘I wish we were at home right now.’
Bianca did too. She wanted to be in the bedroom, removing Merren’s clothes from her, one item at a time, running her hands over the firm smooth skin. And this time, she’d do it differently. Not to take her mind off things, but to truly explore Merren. To get to know her. To pay attention.
She almost squealed when Macy spoke loudly right next to her.
‘Time to go on to the gala, Bianca,’ Macy said, and Bianca felt Merren slip discreetly back a step. She wanted to reach out and touch her fingers to the deep velvet fabric of Merren’s jacket and draw her back.
But she didn’t, because Macy was grasping her elbow in sharp bird fingers, drawing her gracelessly away.
‘Where are we going?’ she squawked in alarm. ‘The gala, of course. Honestly, Bianca. You just spent most of your time mooning over that damned girl, instead of talking to the people who mean something.’
‘Merren means something.’
‘Maybe, but not to us.’ Macy swung her around and marched her into a dark tunnel. Bianca flailed against her.
‘Slow down, for heaven’s sakes,’ she squealed. ‘I can’t see where we’re going. Damnit, Macy, slow down.’
There was another touch on her arm, and Bianca dug her heels in, stopping Macy’s forward motion and turning in relief to Merren.
‘She was going too fast,’ she gasped. ‘I can’t see a bloody thing.’
‘It’s okay. Just tuck your hand through my arm. I’ll walk with you.’
Bianca did just that, with relief.
‘Macy,’ Merren said. ‘Don’t ever do that again. Bianca cannot see in such low light, and that was unforgivably rude.’
‘Don’t you dare speak to me like that,’ Macy hissed. ‘Don’t you know who I am?’
‘I seem to have completely run out of fucks about who you are,’ Merren answered, and Bianca stared blindly at her, feeling rather giddy. She tugged on Merren’s arm.
‘Back to the car,’ she said. ‘It will take us to the Art Gallery.’ She turned to where Macy was standing. ‘Don’t grab me like that again, Macy. Merren was right – I can’t see in this light. At all.’ She shook her head and turned back to Merren at her side.
‘All right,’ she said on a deep breath. ‘Let’s go get the rest of this over with.’
‘Are you sure?’ Merren asked her. ‘We could just go home?’
It was tempting for a moment, but whatever Macy was wrong about, she was correct on one count – going to the gala night was probably essential for Bianca’s career. Which, considering she made her living from her painting, was something to bear in mind. She shook her head. ‘No,’ she said. ‘We have to go.’
There was tension in Merren’s body as she led her to the car and deposited her inside, then slid in beside her.
‘Is there something wrong?’ she asked, swaying as the car pulled out onto the road and into traffic.
There was a long pause before Merren answered. ‘It’s all right,’ she said. ‘I wish we had a private minute to talk, that’s all.’
‘Why?’ Bianca asked. ‘What’s going on?’
‘She’s just jealous,’ Macy said from somewhere in front of Bianca.
‘Jealous?’ Bianca said, bewildered. ‘Why would Merren be jealous?’
‘Because you’ve been getting all the attention.’
‘Oh for fucks sakes,’ Merren said from beside Bianca. ‘Projecting much?’
There was an offended silence from Macy, and Bianca shook her head. ‘Enough, you two,’ she said. ‘This night is going to be difficult as it is.’ She thought of pressing Merren to tell her what was on her mind, but with Macy sitting opposite her, she knew there’d be no privacy.
Whatever it was would have to wait, because there were more important things happening now. A whole evening of mixing and mingling to get through. She sought out Merren’s hand and gripped it, panic welling up in her. It had been bad enough in a group of five, what was it going to be like in a crowd of a hundred or more?
‘It’s all right,’ Merren said, squeezing her hand. ‘Take a few deep, slow breaths, just like we practised.
Bianca nodded and did exactly that. It helped. Her mind cleared of the panic, and she felt a little stronger. ‘You’re an excellent help,’ she whispered.
‘Good,’ Merren said, her voice low. ‘I’m glad.’
Chapter Thirty-Seven
There was a surprising crowd at the Gallery, and Merren looked around, wincing. She already spotted several familiar faces. Glancing away before she could catch the eye of the Mayor, she came face to face with another woman she knew instead.
Macy was pushing Bianca forward, and for the first time, Merren was glad of the woman’s determination for Bianca’s attention.
‘I sent out a very quick press announcement, Bianca.’ Macy was speaking fast, pushing Bianca in front of Lucy Roswell, a journalist Merren was unfortunately very familiar with. ‘You didn’t give me much time, but I did the best with what I had.’
‘I’m pleased to meet you,’ Lucy said, a warm smile in place. ‘Let me just say I find your work stunning and I’m very sorry to hear of the difficulties you’re facing. It can’t be easy at all.’
Bianca murmured an answer, and a moment later she and Lucy were deep in discussion. Merren was impressed but unsurprised. Lucy did her homework.
As if she’d been thinking Lucy’s name too loudly, the journalist lifted her head and finally noticed Merren standing there.
‘Merren,’ she said. ‘Hello.’
‘Hi Lucy, how are you?’ Merren managed.
‘I’m good thank you – I didn’t know you were interested in art.’
Macy interrupted. ‘This is Bianca’s assistant. She helps in the studio.’
Bianca was nodding and Merren wanted to shrink away into the shadows. ‘I wouldn’t be able to paint at the moment without help,’ Bianca said, her face serious, oblivious to the confused look on Lucy Roswell’s face. ‘She’s organised all my equipment so that I can navigate around my space with the least trouble. And, of course, she’s my current model, as well.’
Lucy’s eyebrows were up by her hairline. She looked over at Merren. ‘Is that right?’ she asked.
Merren could feel the heat in her cheeks. She swallowed. ‘Yes,’ she said, choking out the words. ‘Yes, that’s right.’
‘You’re working as Bianca Graves’ assistant and model?’
Macy cut in, her voice cross. ‘Isn’t that what we just said? Now, how about taking some notes for your article, and maybe a photograph or two?’
There was an amused smile on Lucy’s lips that Merren didn’t like the look of. She touched a hand to Bianca’s arm.
‘I’m just going to slip off to the bathroom for a minute,’ she said. ‘I’ll be right back.’
But Lucy was too quick. ‘Oh no,’ she said. ‘Just a photo, first, please. And you’ll have to be in it.’
Bianca was nodding, turning to tug on Merren’s sleeve. ‘She’s right – you have to be in it, as I really would be struggling without your help.’
‘She’s just your assistant, Bianca,’ Macy broke in. ‘Let her go to the toilet, for heaven’s sakes.’
But Bianca was shaking her head and pulling her closer. Merren gave in with a sick smile at Lucy, who simply bared perfect white teeth in a smirk and held up her camera. It flashed twice in their faces.
‘Thank you, Merren,’ Bianca said. ‘It’s only right you get some acknowledgement for all your hard work with me.’ She turned to Lucy and smiled at her. ‘She’s really been a treasure.’
Merren had to get out of there. Ev
en just for a minute. ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘Call of nature.’
She lingered washing her hands in the bathroom as long as she dared, staring at her reflection in the mirror in dismay. She should have stayed home.
‘I should not have come,’ she said.
‘Why ever would that be?’ The door had opened, and of course it was Lucy. Merren groaned.
‘So,’ Lucy said, perching on the edge of the vanity unit and folding her arms. ‘Am I to take it you’ve quit your burgeoning work in Artificial Intelligence, crypto-currency, and sustainable urban development for a career as an artist’s assistant?’
Merren groaned again.
Lucy shook her head. ‘I didn’t think so.’
‘It’s not what you think,’ Merren said.
‘You have no idea what I’m thinking,’ Lucy replied and laughed.
‘What are you going to write? Any way you can leave me out of it?’
Lucy reached up and rubbed a hand over her neck, as though pretending to think about it. She shook her head. ‘Probably not,’ she said. ‘You make a cute couple. It’s a terrific human-interest story.’
Merren leaned over the basin again, her lips clamped shut on another groan. ‘You can’t,’ she said.
‘Why ever not?’
‘Because we haven’t been seeing each other long. It’s too soon to splash it all over the papers.’
Lucy laughed. ‘Well, I’m flattered you think I have that sort of reach – but you’re right, of course. It would be splashed all over the Otago Daily Times. And online. Like I said – it’s a terrific story.’
Merren twisted her head and gazed at her, but Lucy just shrugged. ‘I can see the headline already, Merren. Rising Cyber-tech star and National Treasure Painter – tech and art, the new relationship.’ She shrugged. ‘Okay, that needs work, but you get my drift.’