Goat In The Meze: A farcical look at Greek life (The Greek Meze Series Book 1)

by Katerina Nikolas

  “How am I meant to distract the Pappas?” Tall Thomas questioned.

  “You could pretend you want to buy some cutlery from his briefcase?” Deirdre piped up.

  Leaving his food on the table Tall Thomas exited the taverna, grumbling loudly. Talk of the Pappas had reminded Gorgeous Yiorgos of his promise to Petula and he duly asked Fat Christos if he could have a quiet word outside. The two men exited the taverna but could not come up with a solution to retrieving Petula’s engagement ring without breaking Tassia’s heart. Fat Christos promised to give it some thought, but short of asking Petula to always wear gloves so the Pappas would not notice the ring, he could not think of anything original.

  The two men returned to their table and were soon joined by Tall Thomas and Prosperous Pedros. Tall Thomas had successfully distracted the Pappas by telling him he thought the local children were kicking condom balloons in the church and filching the Holy wine, which resulted in the Pappas running off to the church in a foul temper. This allowed Prosperous Pedros to leap to dry land without incurring the Pappas’ fishing curse.

  “What a load of superstitious old codswallop,” Quentin whispered to Deirdre.

  Everyone was most impressed by the resolve Fat Christos was demonstrating by sticking rigidly to his diet, dining once again on nothing but salad and water. “No sign of mail order Masha and that old fool Vasilis tonight” Vangelis the chemist noted.

  “She go,” Adonis said to everyone’s surprise. “I give ‘er ride to bus stop. I think she go back to Russia as she take many ‘eavy suitcases.”

  “Do you think she has left that old fool Vasilis?” Yiota questioned.

  “It look like so,” Adonis replied. “She won’t like cold snow back in Russia I think and will miss the unseasonal heat wave we ‘ave ‘ere tomorrow.”

  Deirdre declared the fish was most delicious and Yiota had cooked it to perfection. She asked what was in the delectable lemon dressing but Yiota refused to reveal her secret ingredient, joking it was petrol. The fishermen were most impressed when Fat Christos told them “Did-Rees she catch that fish in ‘er ‘at.”

  Prosperous Pedros noticed he had fifteen missed calls on his mobile phone and declared his mother would send him to an early grave with her constant nagging. Winking at Prosperous Pedros, Adonis told Quentin and Deirdre once you got to know her Fotini was a charming old woman and would make a most delightful neighbour. Prosperous Pedros tried not to choke on his plate of vegetarian chicken at such a preposterous lie.

  The evening finished nicely with Quentin treating everyone to glasses of brandy and toasting their good health.

  Chapter 50

  An Unseasonable Heat Wave

  The unseasonal heat wave struck with a vengeance the next morning. The brilliant sunshine highlighted the scenic beauty of Astakos and drew attention to the vibrantly colourful delights of the blooming wild flowers.

  Quentin was so depleted by the soaring heat Fat Christos left him lagging behind in a sweaty heap as they endured their daily jog. “Is thirty five degrees today,” Fat Christos told Quentin who, doing a quick conversion, worked out that was ninety five in his Fahrenheit language, far hotter than anything he was used to back in Idaho.

  Quentin decided to pop into the hardware shop and buy a portable fan for Deirdre. She was suffering from the effects of the heat and a dodgy tummy possibly brought on by eating the fish she had failed to refrigerate. Bald Yannis was sitting at his cash register, feverishly mopping his brow with what appeared to be a pair of frilly lace panties. He hurriedly shoved them in his pocket as Quentin approached, rotating his arms in the air to mimic the workings of a fan.

  “Just tell me what you want in English,” Bald Yannis said, puffing his chest out with self importance. “I don’t have all day to stand around watching you flapping round killing imaginary flies. I’ve important things to be getting on with yous know.”

  Quentin’s request for a fan was met by a lot of muttering malakas from the back room as Bald Yannis went through his stash of boxes. He emerged with a fan, reminding Quentin to tell his wife not to stick her fingers in the blade.

  “She isn’t stupid you know,” Quentin told him.

  “That’s what Mrs Patoulis said right before the fan I sold her sliced off three of her fingers,” Bald Yannis retorted with a supercilious grin on his face. Thinking of the sliced off fingers made Bald Yannis appreciate the pleasures his job occasionally brought him. The recent sales he had made accounted for two lost fingers to chainsaws, a mutilated thumb from a hammer and a near fatal electrocution from a rewired plug. He ought to demand the local doctor paid him a commission, he reflected.

  Quentin was happy to leave the cluttered and fusty hardware shop. Carrying the large box containing the fan he tripped over Boukali, Stavroula’s taverna cat, fast asleep in the sunshine. Deirdre was most pleased to receive the cooling fan. She assured Quentin she would be fine on her own relaxing with a bucket handy in case she was sick again and he should go off and enjoy himself.

  “But don’t let Adonis sell you that ruined house,” she instructed.

  Bald Yannis was due at the clinic the next day to have his hair transplant operation so he needed to find someone to mind the store in his absence. It was difficult to think of anyone he hadn’t insulted who would be willing to stand in at short notice. After much scratching of his head he decided to call Moronic Mitsos and see if he was back in the village.

  Mitsos had acquired the nickname ‘moronic’ as he fell for every con going, which was a bit worrying really considering he had been the chief of the local police before his early retirement. Criminals could run rings around the very gullible Moronic Mitsos. In the last few years before his retirement he had been shipped off to work in the politician protection detail in Athens, leaving younger and sharper minds to deal with any criminal elements.

  Bald Yannis remembered Moronic Mitsos and his wife had been visiting one of their sons, a policeman on one of the Greek islands. He hoped he was back from his family visit and could be induced to watch the shop.

  As luck would have it Moronic Mitsos had returned just the day before from the island and was desperate for an opportunity to get away from his wife.

  “Nag nag nag all day long,” he complained to Bald Yannis when they met up. “I’ll be glad to escape to your shop for a bit of peace and quiet. I would gladly have left her on the island but she insisted on returning as she wants to supervise the decorators we are getting in. She fell for my bad back story so I don’t have to go up the ladder and do the decorating, but I will of course end up paying for it all out of my generous police pension.”

  Moronic Mitsos never missed an opportunity to boast about his generous police pension. His supposedly dangerous duties as an armed protector of politicians had netted him a tidy sum.

  “Have you found me a woman off the internet yet?” Moronic Mitsos asked Bald Yannis.

  “All in good time. There is quite a selection for yous to peruse when I return from my visit to my cousin,” Bald Yannis said, baldy lying about his intended whereabouts. He had no intention of telling anyone he was really off for a hair transplant and all the glossy brochures from the clinic assured him the results would be so natural no one would notice. It would simply escape them he had ever been hairless, the completely deluded Bald Yannis hoped.

  When he returned from the clinic there would be plenty of time to make a laughing stock of Moronic Mitsos who so far had fallen hook, line and sinker for Bald Yannis’ internet dating scam.

  Chapter 51

  Goat in the Sunroof

  After retrieving his chainsaw from Bald Yannis the Pappas handed it to over to Petula with instructions to go out and chainsaw some wood for their winter supply, telling her not to let anyone see her as it would reflect badly on his dignity. He was still in the most awful temper about the loss of the engagement ring and demanded Petula give his pet goat Krasi special treats to encourage the creature to pass it. Petula freely cursed the Pappas as she
chain sawed, it was far too hot for this heavy work and if her husband had been any kind of man he would have done the job himself. She blamed her father for insisting she marry a man in a dress, though no other Pappas of her acquaintance shared the same nasty streak as the man she was stuck with.

  Returning to the house for a glass of water Petula was disturbed to find the goat Krasi had been sick all over the bedspread. She could not persuade the Pappas the goat belonged outdoors and he insisted on giving the animal free reign in the house. Wondering what had made the goat sick she followed the pool of water which led to the bathroom and realised once again the goat had been drinking out of the toilet, which that very morning she had liberally doused with bleach.

  Sighing wearily Petula telephoned Gorgeous Yiorgos to see if he was free to drive her to the vets with the sickly goat. Luckily the vet was able to pump the goat’s stomach and promised there would be no lasting damage.

  Petula was relieved the goat was not about to croak it as the Pappas was quite unnaturally attached to it. Oftentimes he would fall into a drunken sleep on the sofa, cradling a bottle of actual krasi in one arm and cuddling the goat Krasi in the other. She would much rather he cuddled the goat than her. The nights he slept with the goat on the sofa rather than snoring beside her in their double bed was a treat Petula relished.

  Gorgeous Yiorgos suggested a driving lesson when they left the vets and they enjoyed a pleasant drive with the goat sticking its head out of the sunroof. “You must take the driving test soon Petula,” Gorgeous Yiorgos advised “you are really a very good driver now. We just need some more work on your nine point turn to get it down to a three point.”

  Quentin was greatly amused to spot a goat’s head sticking out of a car’s sunroof as Petula passed Adonis’ car on the road. Quentin had been easily persuaded to once again return to the neighbouring village of Rapanaki and another viewing of the ruined ‘Lemoni Spiti.’

  “Has your cousin Adonis the mechanic got the spare parts for the car yet?” he asked.

  “My cousin Adonis he busy make dry the refrigerated mobile fish van of Tall Thomas. What to do K-Went-In? Tall Thomas he take old banger from that old fool Vasilis to sell fish from but it missing refrigerator. Patience my friend, all in good time my cousin will fix yous car I promise.”

  Achilles the borrowed builder was once again waiting as they arrived at the ‘Lemoni Spiti.’ Climbing down from his ladder to greet them Achilles declared “you ‘ave ‘ardly any ‘oles in your roof K-Went-In. I thinks Did-Rees be ‘appy it not rain in.”

  “How many holes exactly is hardly any?” Quentin asked.

  “No yous worry, I fix,” Achilles answered, evading the question. “Now no rain as sunny. You want I knock this wall down?” he asked as they ambled inside.

  “I wouldn’t think so as it appears to be a supporting wall,” Quentin replied, beginning to wonder about the building credentials of the borrowed builder.

  “Yous must make decision to buy ‘ouse as others with the bigly monies ‘ave eyes on it,” Adonis said. “I like yous buy as we goodly friends.”

  Quentin wondered if this was just a crafty selling technique by Adonis or if someone else really was interested in the property. The only eyes he knew for sure were fixed on it at that very moment was those of the old crone Fotini, perching on her three-legged olive tree ladder, spitting and cursing at them over the wall.

  “I will speak with Did-Rees,” Quentin promised “but I must say I am rather taken with this house and can imagine many pleasant years living in it.”

  Chapter 52

  Secret Addictions

  Back in the village Toothless Tasos had an exhausting afternoon drinking coffee outside the kafenion and losing at tavli to Vangelis the chemist. Not realising how late it was he dashed off at great speed to catch the latest gripping episode of his favourite soap opera ‘Seven Deadly Mothers-in-Law’ when the voice of his dreams addressed him.

  “Taso, I wonder if you could help me with a little problem,” the object of his affections Thea said, grabbing at his arm in the street. “My television is on the blink and I wondered if yous could fix it as I cannot bear to miss the latest gripping instalment of my favourite soap opera ‘Seven Deadly Mothers-in-Law?’”

  “It is due to start any moment I think. I wouldn’t know as I don’t watch soap operas,” Toothless Tasos said, thinking he would lose face if it became public knowledge he had a secret soap opera addiction. “There’s no time to fix yous television before it starts but yous is most welcome to come to my ‘ouse and watch it there.”

  “That is so kind of yous, just give me five minutes to pop home and feed the cat and I will be right with yous,” Thea said, oblivious to the romantic dreams swirling around Toothless Tasos’ head.

  Toothless Tasos dashed home to tidy up, kicking the bucket from the living room outdoors and throwing an old cushion onto the single deckchair. Rummaging round in the kitchen he was mightily relieved to find a dusty bottle of shop bought wine lurking in the back of the cupboard and reached it out to impress Thea. He’d only just finished his housewifely duties, giving a last quick polish to the stuffed swordfish heads on the wall, when Thea arrived.

  Offering Thea the only deckchair, Toothless Tasos hovered nervously. Thea was immediately engrossed in her favourite soap opera while Toothless Tasos feigned a complete lack of interest in it. Remembering the wine he went to find some glasses, but the lack of a corkscrew thwarted his plan to offer Thea liquid refreshment.

  “I should have bought an impressive bottle of shop bought wine with a screw top,” he muttered to himself as Thea shushed him.

  Toothless Tasos was in raptures at having the love of his life in his house and gazed at her adoringly, desperately trying to think of something interesting to say. When he finally came up with a bit of juicy village gossip Thea shushed him again as she did not want to miss a moment of her show. When the soap opera finished Toothless Tasos plucked up all his courage and asked Thea to join him for dinner. He was disappointed when she told him she already had plans for the evening.

  “Are you seeing Gorgeous Yiorgos?” he asked

  “No, why would I be doing that?” Thea replied. “I promised to help old Mrs Kolokotronis sew Tassia’s wedding dress. I can probably fit in dinner with you tomorrow evening,” she suggested, realising it would keep him more interested if she played a little bit hard to get.

  Unbeknown to Toothless Tasos, Thea was actually in the market for a new husband now she had buried her third one. The village pickings were slim though. Toothless Tasos was a contender for her hand she had not previously considered. He was so shy around her it was almost painful.

  Gorgeous Yiorgos appeared quite eager for her attention but Fat Christos had put himself out of the running by proposing to Tassia. Prosperous Pedros was quite handsome she thought, but his outside bathroom was most off-putting and she had no intention of living like a peasant. She did consider Vangelis the chemist had possible romantic potential but he had yet to show any interest in her. As for Bald Yannis she couldn’t imagine ever being so desperate that she would consider him.

  Satisfied she now had a date lined up with Gorgeous Yiorgos at the weekend and one with Toothless Tasos tomorrow, Thea thought to herself she could soon land herself a fourth husband.

  Thea actually needed a fourth husband quite desperately as her debts were piling up to an embarrassing level. In addition to her addiction to soap operas she also had another secret addiction which was landing her in hot water. Thea was a compulsive impulse purchaser, completely hooked on buying tat from the addictive home shopping channel. Her house was filling up with unwanted junk constantly arriving by post but she simply could not curb her spending.

  Chapter 53

  Laughing Too Loudly

  Due to the unseasonable sweltering heat wave Takis and Yiota had carried all the tables from inside the taverna and lined them up on the street for an evening of al-fresco dining. Feeling somewhat recovered from her bout of heat
stroke and a dodgy tummy, Deirdre was happy to join Quentin there for a bite to eat.

  She recounted to Quentin how thoughtful and kind Yiota had been, bringing mountain tea made from some kind of twigs up to the room to combat her nausea.

  “It wasn’t actually as disgusting as it looked,” Deirdre said “and it certainly helped with my dicky tummy.”

  Quentin agreed the people of Astakos were forever making kind gestures, relieved to see his wife still retained all her fingers and had not come to any harm from using Bald Yannis’ lethal fan.

  Quentin told Deirdre all about his return visit to the ‘Lemoni Spiti,’ happy to reassure her Achilles the borrowed builder had pronounced the roof almost sound.

  “Really Quentin, it isn’t practical at all to consider buying a falling down house in a foreign country, even if the thought of keeping chickens and goats with a sea view does appeal to you. Our home is in Idaho.”

  “Yes I know our main home is in Idaho, but think how lovely it would be to have our own little holiday home here too. It’s such a friendly place and we have been made so welcome. I really do love it here and it already feels like a second home. Also I am enjoying picking up new Greek words to converse with our new friends,” Quentin said, pausing to say “Kalimera” to Takis.

  “Even I know that means good morning rather than good evening,” Deirdre told him, adding “I guess I must be picking up a few Greek words here and there too. Seriously Quentin if you have your heart set on buying that falling down house then you need to go through our finances with a fine toothcomb.”