Goat In The Meze: A farcical look at Greek life (The Greek Meze Series Book 1)

by Katerina Nikolas

  “We are looking for floor tiles that are intrinsically Greek, very tasteful, with a magnificent history,” Quentin said.

  “What, you no want something modern?” Bald Yannis queried, adding “hold on, I ‘ave just the thing, so old they are practically ancient.”

  Bald Yannis flounced off to his stockroom where he unearthed a pile of chipped floor tiles covered in goat and chicken poop he had recovered from that old fool Vasilis’ out-moded outside toilet. The tiles had been salvaged when the ancient outside toilet was knocked down to make way for mail order Masha’s new wooden sun deck.

  “They aren’t quite what we had in mind,” Deirdre said, turning her nose away from the dreadful pile of smelly old rubbish Bald Yannis was offering. “We want something mosaic and historical.”

  “These old tiles are steeped in history, they was put down before the war,” Bald Yannis insisted, though he realised this pair may be a tad too worldly to be taken in by his nonsense.

  “The tiles won’t do at all,” Quentin insisted as his eyes fell on the pile of shower curtains. “However our borrowed builder Achilles will be most delighted if we purchase one of these lovely shower curtains, he just can’t get enough of them.”

  “Ah I ‘ave just the one for you, completely unique, no other shower curtain with the same design of a lobster border. You know the lobster is the patriotic symbol of the village?” Yannis said, brandishing an identical shower curtain to the one he had just sold Toothless Tasos.

  “Perfect, just the ticket wouldn’t you say Did-Rees?” Quentin said, adding for Bald Yannis’ benefit “the patriotic state fish of Idaho is the cutthroat trout, don’t you know?”

  The Americans purchased the one off unique lobster adorned shower curtain, identical to the one just purchased by Toothless Tasos. They ran into Adonis as they left the hardware shop with their purchase.

  “Ah good news my good friends K-Went-In and Did-Rees,” Adonis told them “my cousin Adonis the mechanic he finish drying the mobile refrigerated fish van of Tall Thomas and is this minute repairing the car what you broke down in.”

  The three of them were all smiles as they headed off to Stavroulas for coffee. Deirdre was particularly delighted to have survived an encounter with the dreadful Bald Yannis in which he had not wielded a chainsaw or a cat in her direction.

  Chapter 82

  Nitsa Arrives

  Prosperous Pedros had endured a horrible afternoon being bossed around by his mother, the old crone Fotini, as they got the house ready to receive Fotini’s guest, her second cousin Nitsa. Prosperous Pedros had scrubbed and mopped under the critical eye of his demanding mother. As a final touch Fotini insisted on laying a new waterproof bedspread over the bed Nitsa would sleep in, but to Pedros’ untrained eye the new bedspread looked suspiciously like a shower curtain with a lobster border.

  Prosperous Pedros was just about to take his leave when a large old Mercedes taxi, like the ones used in Athens, crawled at a snail’s pace into the yard. Nitsa was sat behind the wheel propped up on a large pile of old magazines as she was too short to comfortably see out of the windscreen.

  Despite the slow pace of the car Nitsa only managed to stop its progress by bumping into the rear bumper of Prosperous Pedros’ pick-up truck. Nitsa and Fotini embraced, each declaring the other looked not a day older than the last time they had seen each other over sixty years before.

  Nitsa was amazingly sprightly for her advanced years and was full of plans for her visit. After demanding Pedros carry all her luggage inside she said to him “I ‘ope you won’t be staying ‘ere as we don’t want you cramping our style.”

  Prosperous Pedros felt a glimmer of hope the much dreaded visit of Nitsa may actually relieve him of some of his endless obligations to his mother. Feeling suddenly lighter he took his leave, forgiving Nitsa for the unsightly dent she had left in his bumper.

  Chapter 83

  Underwear Everywhere

  Gorgeous Yiorgos was looking forward to an evening in the company of friends in ‘Mono Ellinka Trofima’. He had spent the afternoon visiting Petula in the hospital and tomorrow he would return to drive her home. Petula had recounted the phone call she had received from her husband the Pappas, in lieu of a visit. He had apologised profusely for losing his temper and left Petula half convinced he was a reformed character as he begged her to take him back. Gorgeous Yiorgos was not convinced the Pappas could change his spots, but he would support Petula in whatever she decided.

  On returning home Gorgeous Yiorgos had found a silk thong draped over his chicken coop and wondered if someone had been up to something romantic in his garden. When he removed his work boots he was most put out to discover he did not possess a single pair of socks that were not full of holes. His toe nails had grown so shockingly long they protruded through all his socks, but when he sat down to cut them he could not reach them for his bulging stomach.

  This reminded him he was missing his good friend Fat Christos who had unexpectedly left the village on the night of his wedding to book himself into a clinic for stomach stapling surgery. For one moment Gorgeous Yiorgos considered following Fat Christos’ example and losing some weight so he could reach his toe nails.

  Yiota emerged from the kitchen carrying heaped platefuls of grilled lamb chops. At the sight of the temptingly tasty food Gorgeous Yiorgos cast all thoughts of a diet aside and decided he would make an appointment to have his toe nails clipped in the beauty parlour instead.

  Tall Thomas was happy to announce his mobile refrigerated fishing van had been nicely dried out by Adonis the mechanic and was now back in action on the road. He had been surprised to find a pair of black lace knickers wrapped round the steering wheel, but used them to wipe up the leaking brake fluid Adonis had forgotten to fix.

  Prosperous Pedros was heartily hailed when he arrived in the taverna bearing freshly caught fish to share with everyone. For the first time he could remember his mother Fotini had not insisted he eat one of her awful home cooked meals before he headed to the taverna. He asked Yiota to prepare the fish and she promised to make a nice lemon dress for it, assuring Prosperous Pedros it would be a vegetarian dress.

  Prosperous Pedros told everyone when he had gone to his outside bathroom to perform his shower he had found a frilly pair of panties hanging from the rusty nail on the wall. As the others absorbed this news they each began to reveal they too had discovered discarded women’s underwear in the strangest of places and wondered what it was all about.

  Moronic Mitsos volunteered he had found a bra in his rowing boat and told the others Bald Yannis had uncovered a pair of knickers draped over the hardware shop cash register. The ex-chief of police was not astute enough to surmise the underwear thief was leaving a false trail and was completely baffled. He noted Vangelis the chemist was performing his civic duty of washing line patrol person this evening and hoped they would soon catch the pervert in action.

  Everyone was sipping wine and tucking into Prosperous Pedros’ freshly caught fish with a lemon dress when the Pappas sheepishly entered the taverna. Taking a deep breath and smoothing his dress the Pappas announced to the room at large “drink no wine or strong drink, and eat nothing unclean.”

  Yiota stormed out of the kitchen brandishing a frying pan and screamed at the Pappas that she kept a squeaky clean kitchen.

  “I ‘ave found God again and am a new man,” the Pappas declared, hoping the taverna goers would fall for his fake Holy act. “I say to you all do not get drunk on wine which leads to debauchery,” he thundered, reading aloud the Biblical quotes he had written on the inside of his arm. “I promise to be good ‘usband to Petula if you give me a second chance,” he begged on his way out.

  “He’s as insufferable sober as he was drunk,” Tall Thomas said. “Yous should have left him to drown in the sea, Pedro.”

  “I always thought he was an odious little man,” Deirdre said, to which Yiota told her, “Yous good judge of character Did-Rees.”

  The villagers decided i
t was really Petula’s decision whether to take the Pappas back or not, but they vowed if the Pappas ever indulged in wife beating again they would toss him far out to sea and definitely let him drown. As for his discovering God they rather questioned if that was something he ought to have done before signing up for a career in the church. Luckily for the Pappas the details of his blackmailing scam had not been disclosed to the villagers at large as this would surely have put the final nail in his coffin.

  Chapter 84

  Secrets Shared

  Vasilis and his mail order bride Masha did not make it to the taverna of ‘Mono Ellinka Trofima’ that evening. Vasilis was enjoying a quiet evening sharing surreptitious ouzos with Onos the donkey in the kitchen, while his wife was out of the house. Mail order Masha was visiting her new friend Tassia who was feeling rather despondent after being subjected to endlessly probing questions by her new mother-in-law Mrs Kolokotronis, who appeared doubtful as to the paternity of Tassia’s unborn child.

  Tassia confided to Masha she had hated to tell so many lies. The truth was in fourteen years of courtship Fat Christos had never laid so much as a finger on her and had never even tried to kiss her. Tassia had been so desperate to have a baby she had engaged in an unwise one night dalliance with a totally unsuitable man.

  When two months later Fat Christos had finally proposed marriage she forced herself on him in the garden shed in order to pass off the baby, which had resulted from the one night unsuitable dalliance, as his. The fumbling coupling had been a sweaty disaster. It was only Fat Christos’ total inexperience that led him to think he had used the condom from the church collection plate wrongly and got his new fiancée pregnant on their first and only sexual encounter.

  Tassia knew she had deceived Fat Christos, but was painfully aware he in turn had only proposed marriage to get his hands on her fortune. A loveless passionless marriage to Fat Christos was, she considered, better than the shame of being an unmarried mother, and as long as he accepted the baby she would try to make him happy.

  Tassia had not expected Mrs Kolokotronis to try and stick her nose in these private matters and the constant questions were wearing her down. Mrs Kolokotronis noticed Tassia was much further along than the fumble in the garden shed would explain. She told Masha she would take to the grave the name of her unsuitable lover and sought her advice in distracting Mrs Kolokotronis from finding out the truth.

  “It seems to me Fat Christos is too fat to think of the sex and just not into the women,” Masha suggested. “He no ladies’ man but a mother’s boy, maybe he like more the fish or the goat than the woman. He maybe not care he not father of baby as long as he get the money and the status of supermarket. He only want wife for money and to look after him. As for his mother it none of her business and you tell her if she keeps sticking nose in your business yous rescind the invitation to live with yous.”

  Tassia was very grateful to have such a wise and concerned friend. She realised she had been living a fantasy expecting Fat Christos to change after the wedding and suddenly take a romantic interest in her. As long as he was prepared to accept the baby and treat her with kindness she would go out of her way to be a good wife to him. If he didn’t actually want to engage in marital relations with her then that was all to the good, if her revolting experience with him in the garden shed was anything to go by.

  As the two friends relaxed in Tassia’s garden surrounded by her beautiful roses Masha shared a secret too. “I am new mother to that old shrew Stavroula,” she confided “keep it under your ‘at but Vasilis is her father.”

  The two women almost rolled off their deckchairs with laughter as they suggested Vangelis the chemist could make a fortune selling do-it-yourself paternity kits.

  Chapter 85

  Lunch in the Car

  Quentin and Deirdre were enjoying morning coffee in the sunshine at Stavroulas as they waited for Adonis to bring them some more papers to sign relating to the house purchase. “I have to say I will be sad to leave Astakos once all these legal dealings are out of the way,” Deirdre said.

  “Oh it won’t be long until we return and by then the borrowed builder Achilles will have made speedy work with the renovations on our new falling down house. Could you have ever imagined Did-Rees after breaking down on the mountain we would end up buying a holiday home here?”

  “Never at all,” Deirdre agreed “but I have to say this place is really something special. Look how kind it was of Prosperous Pedros to share his freshly caught fish with us last night and even the most awful villagers like the Pappas and Bald Yannis provide endless amusement.”

  “Good grief, what is that?” asked Quentin as an old Mercedes taxi drove into view, stopping and starting jerkily as the tiny old woman driving it could not reach the pedals to control the clutch. The old Mercedes taxi drove past the taverna and lurched right into the back of Tall Thomas’ newly dried out mobile refrigerated fish van which was parked on the incline above the harbour. The violent collision of the two vehicles forced Tall Thomas’ van down the incline and straight into the sea. The collision brought the old Mercedes taxi to a halt and Quentin noticed their neighbour Fotini cackling uproariously in the passenger seat.

  Tall Thomas ran into view, swearing and cursing at the top of his lungs at the sight of his mobile refrigerated fish van once again landing in the sea. As everyone watched transfixed the van at first bobbed buoyantly on the water and then began to sink. The fishermen drinking coffee outside the kafenion once again joked to Tall Thomas he had better not expect them to re-catch the fish they had already sold him that morning.

  Once again all hands were on the ropes used to tug the van out of the water. Adonis’ timely arrival in his pick-up van was fortuitous as his van was used to tow the mobile refrigerated fish van from the sea and back to the garage of his cousin Adonis the mechanic. Prosperous Pedros lost his grip on the rope as he heard his mother’s second cousin Nitsa screeching at him from the driver’s seat window of the Mercedes taxi.

  “Oy, young Pedro, we ‘ave ‘ad the ‘orrible accident and is in shock, fetch us two brandies to settle our nerves,” she called, while calmly unwrapping a packet of homemade sandwiches she proceeded to share with Fotini. Neither of the two old ladies moved from their seats in the car as they tucked into their sandwiches and knocked back the brandies, while enjoying the entertainment of the mobile refrigerated fishing van being hoisted from the sea.

  Tall Thomas demanded Pancratius the village policeman be summoned from his sick bed to arrest the old woman who had caused such havoc. He was stopped in his tracks as the old woman suddenly laughed “What Thoma, yous would have your old aunty arrested would you, go ahead and I cut yous out of my will.”

  Tall Thomas had no clue the driving menace was his aunty Nitsa and dutifully approached the old Mercedes taxi to allow her to kiss him.

  “Now keep an eye on my taxi,” she instructed “as Fotini and I are going off to do a spot of shopping.” With that she left the Mercedes in the No Parking place outside Stavroulas and climbed down from the stack of magazines she was balanced on.

  “I suppose this means Adonis the mechanic will now be spending his time drying out the mobile refrigerated fish van of Tall Thomas again, rather than fixing our car,” Quentin lamented. “What is it these Greeks say, meth-avrio will do I suppose?”

  Chapter 86

  Havoc in the Hardware Shop

  Nitsa took a sharp intake of breath as she spotted that old fool Vasilis drinking coffee outside the kafenion. Marching over to him she slapped him soundly round the head, saying “I been waiting more than sixty years to do that you letch, that’s for trying to lure me into that overgrown olive grove with yous when yous ‘ad dishonourable intentions.”

  Vasilis had no clue as to the identity of the old woman who had struck him and he tried to recollect the parade of pretty faces he had attempted to lure into the overgrown olive grove back in the day. Sighing wearily he realised his memory wasn’t as good as back in the day and he
went along to see how much longer mail order Masha would be in the beauty parlour.

  Entering the beauty shop he could hear mail order Masha screeching at Evangelia. She sounded like an old fish wife as she berated Evangelia for cutting Gorgeous Yiorgos’ disgusting yellowing toe nails in full sight of her regular paying customers. Gorgeous Yiorgos was so embarrassed by this scene he left the beauty parlour with only one toe nail cropped foot, muttering he needed to get to the hospital to collect Petula.

  With Gorgeous Yiorgos gone, mail order Masha instructed Vasilis to make his way home on Onos the donkey as she intended to stay and have her hair extensions coloured. She said she fancied going red and would then need her finger nails doing to match, so she wouldn’t be home until much later.

  “There is a pan of borscht simmering in the kitchen so you won’t go hungry my love,” she said, blowing Vasilis a kiss “but don’t give any to the donkey, yous know how it upsets ‘is stomach.”

  Leaving the beauty parlour Vasilis hid in the jewellery shop doorway to avoid passing the mad old woman who had just slapped him. Nitsa and Fotini were enjoying their day out as they headed into the hardware shop to buy some hideous old lady dresses.

  “What is that ‘orrible thing on your ‘ead?” Nitsa rudely asked as she surveyed Bald Yannis’ terrible toupee with mirth.