Goat In The Meze: A farcical look at Greek life (The Greek Meze Series Book 1)

by Katerina Nikolas

  Chapter 91

  Vinegar in the Taverna

  Prosperous Pedros tucked into his vegetarian meal of tasty horta in the taverna ‘Mono Ellinka Trofima.’ He was surprised to discover he was still hungry after finishing his meal and realised for only the second time ever he had not feasted on one his mother’s home cooked meals before coming out to eat at the taverna. Fotini wouldn’t brook any of his vegetarian nonsense and always made sure he had a big slab of meat on his plate, which made it much easier for him to insist he was a vegetarian in public. Prosperous Pedros decided to order a plate of vegetarian chicken to quell his rumbling stomach.

  Fat Christos and his new bride Tassia had enjoyedd a productive afternoon searching through the filthy nooks and crannies of the dead uncle’s house. They had discovered a thick wad of cash stuffed under the mattress and a bag of coins hidden in the toilet cistern. Their strangest find was a collection of gold teeth stashed in a teapot. They planned to return the next day to find out what else the old dead uncle had been hiding.

  Insisting his pregnant bride needed her rest Fat Christos sent Tassia home and went on alone to the taverna where he discovered there was nothing he could eat with his new strict dietary restrictions in force. Yiota hadn’t bothered cooking any soup and Fat Christos was reduced to drinking water. He telephoned Tassia who had just gone to bed for a well deserved rest and asked her to get up and liquidise him some dinner.

  Toothless Tasos told Fat Christos he could have his decorative plastic chair back as he had acquired a new arm chair from Thea. Fat Christos was delighted to be able to offer Gorgeous Yiorgos the pick of his herd of newly inherited goats to give to Petula to gift to the Pappas as a peace offering. They arranged to pick out a goat the next day.

  Everyone sat upright and sucked in their stomachs when mail order Masha entered the taverna with that old fool Vasilis. Her new red hair extensions were certainly eye catching, but her perfection was marred by a stubby bandage on the end of her finger which she had wrapped around it to disguise her missing red nail extension, which was quite possibly languishing in the pot of borscht she had given Petula. Poor Masha still found it uncomfortable to sit down after the noxious chemical injection she’d had injected in her posterior to make it even larger.

  “Did-Rees stop scratching,” Gorgeous Yiorgos advised her, noticing she could not stop messing with a very prominent mosquito bite. “Yiota bring Did-Rees some vinegar for bite,” he instructed, telling Deirdre to rub the vinegar in well to deter anymore mosquitoes from biting, in addition to soothing the current itch.

  “Vinegar sounds a bit odd as a cure,” said Deirdre, thinking it would make her smell most unpleasant.

  Yiota assured her Greeks had invented vinegar as a cure for anything you could think of. “Strange foreign people put it on fried potatoes instead of lemon and oregano, but Greeks use it for nits, bites and stomach problems. Never mind the smell Did-Rees, it is better than scratching.”

  “I still think you smell lovely darling,” Quentin told her.

  “I never thought of it till now but perhaps vinegar goodly for the nasty rash round my excess skin,” Fat Christos said, experiencing a light bulb moment.

  Toothless Tasos announced Thea was having a house clearance sale the next day and everyone was invited. “She ‘ave some lovely things to get rid of,” he said, leaving the others wondering if Thea was clearing her things out in preparation for moving in with Toothless Tasos. They knew from experience if they started to question him on his love life he would clam up and leave the taverna in embarrassment, so they kept their thoughts to themselves and agreed to turn up at the clearance sale, hoping to snag a few bargains.

  Mail order Masha made a note to be sure to attend the clearance sale the minute she was finished in the beauty parlour having her false nail extension doctored. She imagined Thea had some lovely things as she wasn’t quite as provincial as some of her neighbours.

  “Petula found one of my lace bras in her garden,” she told everyone “it seems underwear is no longer disappearing, but turning up in strange places.”

  Tall Thomas came in and tackled Prosperous Pedros, demanding to know if that awful old woman who claimed to be his aunty and had driven into the back of his mobile refrigerated fish van, was in any way connected to Fotini.

  “She’s a second cousin staying with my old mother,” Prosperous Pedros explained “but definitely related to yous. She’s yous old aunty. Be nice to her, she’s rich,” he advised, knowing Tall Thomas placed a high value on material things. Eyebrows were raised in amusement when Quentin revealed he and Deirdre had been invited to partake of horta with Fotini and Nitsa the next day.

  “Keep yous wits about yous when you go in ‘er ‘ouse,” Takis advised, hoping Prosperous Pedros could not hear him. “She can be strange woman.”

  “Yes we gathered she is a tad eccentric, but consider her quite harmless,” Quentin quipped. Eyebrows were once again raised in amusement at Quentin’s obvious naivety in the ways of Fotini. She had not become the mortal enemy of everyone in two villages by being harmless.

  The Pappas followed his new regular habit of wandering into the taverna to spout a Biblical quote on the dangers of the demon drink. “He who loves wine and oil will not be rich,” he shouted, to which Tall Thomas replied “it depends if he has a rich old aunty.”

  “Not to mention if he’s just inherited eight hundred olive trees,” Fat Christos added for good measure.

  Gorgeous Yiorgos told the Pappas he would like a private word outside. He told the Pappas Petula had decided to take him back and he could return home the following afternoon. He advised the Pappas if he hit or insulted Petula he would be out on his ear and a bigly sea waited.

  Chapter 92

  The Beautiful New Pet Goat

  The goat Gorgeous Yiogos chose from Fat Christos’ newly inherited herd was a beauty. She was milky white with large floppy ears, a kissable nose and intelligent eyes.

  “As the Pappas’ new favourite tipple is water we call this goat ‘Nero,’” Gorgeous Yiorgos announced, wrapping a large pink bow round the creature’s neck and dragging it to the car. Nero was no trouble at all as Gorgeous Yiorgos drove to Petula’s with the goat sticking its head out of the sunroof.

  “Oh look at that attractive goatly specimen,” Quentin commented to Deirdre. They both waved enthusiastically at Gorgeous Yiorgos and the goat as they drove past.

  Petula was most happy with the choice of such a beautiful and amicable goat. She hoped by gifting it to the Pappas it would help to repair relations between her and her husband. He was due to return home at any moment and Petula implored Gorgeous Yiorgos to stick around to help calm her nerves.

  “Yous ‘usband has got insufferably Godly,” Gorgeous Yiorgos told Petula, which surprised her as he had never been the religious type before.

  “Perhaps it is contrition for the way he treated me,” she considered, but Gorgeous Yiorgos kept his own counsel on the matter as Petula had no idea the Pappas had suffered a near fatal drowning at the hands of the village men. She was so sweet natured she may not have approved.

  The Pappas trudged wearily home. He was exhausted from spending hours looking up Biblical quotations on the demon drink and from sleeping uncomfortably on the floor of the church. He had reduced his intake of Holy wine instead of giving it up as he claimed, but told himself it was medicinal to cope with the trauma he had experienced of being tossed so roughly into the sea. He had stopped at the bakery to buy Petula a peace offering of some cream cakes, announcing “sweets for my sweet,” as he handed them over.

  “I ‘ave a surprise gift for yous too ‘usband, this is Nero, yous new pet goat,” Petula said, pushing the pink ribbon bedecked creature into view. On sight of the Pappas Nero’s hackles rose up and she bleated threateningly. Nero refused to go to the priest, instead nestling her head into Petula’s skirts and stamping a hoof derisively.

  “It is most considerate gift of a most handsome creature,” the Pappas said,
stepping backwards as Nero tried to take a bite out of his clerical dress. Gorgeous Yiorgos was delighted the goat had unwittingly stepped into the role of Petula’s guard dog and felt quite assured of Petula’s safety as he took his leave, promising to check in on her again the next day.

  “I ‘ave special dinner for you of Russian borscht,” Petula told her husband. The Pappas had heard of mail order Masha’s infamous soup and was quite relieved when Petula exclaimed, “Oh dear, the goat appears to ‘ave eaten yous dinner.”

  “Is no worry, it is late and I’m tired,” the Pappas obligingly said, surprising Petula who was used to receiving a slap if his dinner wasn’t waiting for him on the table. With a lascivious glint in his eye the Pappas suggested they retire early to bed and Petula apprehensively agreed, hoping her husband was not planning a night of fumbling passion.

  His fumbling plans were thwarted though when they reached the bedroom as Nero had claimed his side of the bed and refused to let the Pappas climb in, snapping fiercely at him with surprisingly sharp teeth. The Pappas had no choice but to retire to the downstairs sofa while Petula cuddled up safely in bed with his new pet goat.

  Chapter 93

  Tourist Tat

  Fat Christos was settling happily into married life. Tassia was proving to be far easier to live with than his mother and she made an excellent job of liquidising his dinner, though the doctor recommended liquid slop was not exactly tasty. He was relieved she wasn’t making demands on his body as he considered that sort of thing was really overrated.

  Even if his mother’s suspicions were true that Tassia’s baby was fathered by another man, he could live with it. He was just relieved Tassia was actually pregnant and would not be expecting him to perform nightly marital duties to fulfil her wish of an instant family. Tassia was expecting the baby she wanted and he had grand plans to use the sizeable inheritance to make himself a man of stature in the village. He hoped his mother would be prepared to undertake grandmotherly babysitting duties as she was such a gossip she would be less than useless serving in the supermarket.

  Fat Christos considered his new wife would be an excellent asset in the newly inherited supermarket and he was excited to transform the dusty old shop with its antiquated stock into something he could be proud of. Tassia was very supportive of his ideas to branch out into tourist tat as the tourists would soon be descending on the village in droves. He commissioned Achilles the borrowed builder to revamp the interior of the shop and as Achilles got busy banging up new shelves Fat Christos placed his first orders for tourist tat.

  “Look Tassia, I is loving the electric lamp light up Parthenon and the glow in the dark plastic Acropolis. These plastic statues of armless Aphrodite will sell like hot cakes and we can get some Apollo and Aristotle ‘eads,” he enthused.

  “Tourists love cats so order some of those Greek cat calendars too,” Tassia suggested.

  “An excellent idea, I wonder if they do a Greek goat one as well,” Fat Christos agreed. “Perhaps we should venture into patriotic shower curtains as Bald Yannis seems to be making killing on ‘em,” he added, but Tassia advised it may not be wise to go into direct competition with the malicious hardware man.

  “Let us leave Achilles to it and go back to dead old uncle’s ‘ouse in neighbouring village of Rapanaki and see if we can find more hidden money,” Fat Christos suggested, “we can use it to pay for all this tourist tat what will turn us an ‘andsome profit.”

  Chapter 94

  Useless Million

  “I was sure old dead uncle would ‘ave ‘idden something of value under the chicken coop,” Tassia told Fat Christos as they fruitlessly searched the stinky coop. They had already discovered a substantial stash of Euro notes in the sofa stuffing, an unexplained collection of very expensive looking jewellery hidden under a loose floorboard and another bag of coins stuffed up the chimney.

  “I think we are not the first to look,” Fat Christos declared, noticing some obvious scuff marks amidst the chicken dirt. The newlyweds started to follow the fresh trail marks which led from the dead uncle’s chicken coop and ended up quite some distance away at the door of the old crone Fotini.

  “I wonder what she ‘ave to say for herself,” Fat Christos pondered, hammering on the door.

  Fat Christos was not deterred by the heavy lobbing of lemons which greeted their arrival. He was determined to have it out with Fotini, even if it did mean accusing Prosperous Pedros’ old mother of being a thief. Fat Christos finally persuaded Fotini to open the door by threatening her he would summon her son if she insisted on being so stubborn.

  “’Ave you been rummaging round in the dirt of Tassia’s dead old uncle’s chicken coop?” Fat Christos demanded to know.

  “So what if I ‘ave?” Fotini responded. “’Ow was I supposed to know his rightful heirs would suspicion something was buried there? You is too clever by ‘alf Fat Christo, yous want to go halfs on my findings?”

  “No, we want it all as we is rightful heirs and yous ‘ave no claim on the buried fortune,” Fat Christos decreed. “What yous dig up anyways Kyria Fotini?”

  “See for yourself,” Fotini told him, throwing him a hefty olive sack stuffed with old and worthless Greek drachma notes.

  “Po po, there is more than a million of old useless money ‘ere,” Fat Christos said. “Yous old dead uncle stupid not to change it at the bank ‘fore it became useless Tassia.”

  “A million drachma is worth less than three thousand Euros,” Tassia quickly calculated, impressing her husband no end that she had a sharp brain that worked like a cash register.

  “Not such a bigly loss considering all the other money we found. Kyria Fotini you keeps it,” Tassia offered, pleasing the old crone greatly as she planned to get Prosperous Pedros to nail the old bank notes to her living room wall as decorative wallpaper.

  “I ‘ears yous is pregnant, let me spits on yous for good luck,” Fotini said with a calculated smile, as Tassia fled away in disgust to the sound of Nitsa and Fotini cackling manically behind her.

  Chapter 95

  The House Clearance Sale

  Thea’s house clearance sale was proving very popular amongst the villagers who were eager to snap up a bargain. Toothless Tasos had enlisted the help of Gorgeous Yiorgos and between the two of them they had carried all of Thea’s bulkier items onto the pavement outside her house, allowing room for the bargain hunters to move relatively freely inside and rummage through the contents of the many overflowing boxes.

  Fat Christos cast his savvy eye over the stuff for sale, wondering if he could sell any of it profitably in his new supermarket. “Why you ‘ave eight dozen jars of lemon stuffed olives?” he queried, snapping them up for half-price.

  “I was ‘ungry one night when watching the ‘ome shopping channel,” Thea confessed guiltily, finally understanding a normal shopper would perhaps have only purchased one jar of lemon stuffed olives to keep hunger at bay.

  Stavroula was pleased to purchase a new set of pans to replace the ones which were covered in dents from her constant banging. Some of her old set were worn thin with the indentations from Slick Socrates’ head.

  Bald Yannis was mightily tempted as he rummaged through Thea’s extensive collection of silk underwear, but exercised remarkable self restraint as he did not believe in paying for underwear when there were so many washing lines to plunder.

  Quentin and Deirdre were fascinated as they probed through Thea’s boxes of tat in the still cluttered house. “Do you think all Greek people live like this?” Deirdre questioned. Fat Christos was quick to assure her Thea was one of a kind as she suffered from a compulsive shopping addiction.

  “Very soon I ‘ave some lovely things in the supermarket yous buy as souvenirs to take ‘ome to Idaho, Did-Rees. I thinks the glows in the dark Acropolis will look magnificent in yous ‘ouse back ‘ome and yous gets another one for falling down ‘ouse ‘ere if you like. Very tasteful,” he promised as Deirdre looked rather horrified at his tacky suggestion.


  “We will definitely be buying some patriotic souvenir shower curtains from the hardware shop,” Deirdre mentioned. This did not please Fat Christos and he immediately determined to override Tassia’s advice and start stocking patriotic shower curtains in the supermarket, in direct competition with Bald Yannis.

  Mrs Kolokotronis snapped up some comfortable cushions to gift to her new daughter-in-law in case she developed an aching pregnancy back. She was mindful the newly married couple did not welcome her unsolicited interference. She had not yet decided whether to move in with them or not so she considered it best if she did not antagonise them any further until she had reached a decision. She was filled with motherly pride at the way Fat Christos had taken advantage of the supermarket inheritance to finally make something of himself and conceded his loss of blubber was giving him more purpose in life.

  There were mutters of irritation all round as Fotini and Nitsa arrived at the house clearance sale and immediately elbowed all the other bargain hunters out of way. “Age before beauty,” Fotini snapped at mail order Masha, yanking what she thought was Thea’s perfumed body spray out of the younger woman’s hands and spraying herself liberally with it.

  “Why yous spray yourself with oven cleaner?” mail order Masha asked as the skin began to bubble and peel off Fotini’s arms.

  Vasilis had come along to carry any bargains Masha spotted, but was not nimble enough on his feet to avoid the slap Nitsa inflicted on his head.

  “Take that yous letch,” she screeched. “I ‘ave been waiting more than sixty years to do that, that’s for trying to lure me into that overgrown olive grove with yous when yous ‘ad dishonourable intentions.” It struck Vasilis this mad violent woman had a remarkable long distance memory but had seemingly completely forgotten she had already slapped him just the day before.