The Flawed Heart Series

by Wade, Ellie

  He leans down and kisses me on the forehead. “Babe, I’ve never experienced anything remotely close to the way I feel when I’m with you. You hold every first that matters because you’re the only one I’ve ever wanted more with.”

  My heart is racing in my chest because he just called me babe, and he wants more, which I knew, but hearing him say it again is incredible. He’s never used a pet name with me before, and I’m so happy that I want to break into song, like a princess in a Disney movie, but I won’t. That’d be weird. Instead, I throw my arms around him and hug him tight. My face bears a huge smile as I snuggle into his chest.

  “Should we go back?” he asks after a minute.

  “Yeah, I suppose.” I step back, releasing my hold. “Do you think they’re going to know?”

  “Probably. Does it matter?” He smirks.

  “No, I guess not,” I answer as Loïc opens the stall door. “I mean, to a whore like yourself who is no stranger to restroom fucking, I’m sure it really doesn’t matter.”

  “If being a whore means I get to fuck you in other restrooms down the line, then I’ll proudly wear that title,” Loïc responds with a sly grin.

  “You know, you can be cocky sometimes. It’s kind of a flaw.” I accusingly squint up toward him.

  “Oh, I think you like that about me,” he says matter-of-factly.

  “Do I?” I huff in mock annoyance. “How do you know that?”

  He shrugs. “I can tell.”

  “Whatever.” I roll my eyes.

  We exit the restroom, hand in hand, and come face-to-face with an elderly woman who is about to enter. She looks startled when she sees us.

  “The men’s room is out of order,” Loïc says to the woman. He shrugs apologetically as we pass.

  When the woman is inside the restroom, we both start laughing, and we are still smiling when we get back to the table.

  “Did you get it all out?” Paige questions me as I sit in my chair beside her.

  “Get what out?”

  “Oh, I don’t know…the fifteen-minute-long pee that you and Loïc both apparently had.”

  “No worries, Paige. We’re good,” Loïc answers for me as he shoots me a wink.

  “Oh, I’m sure you are.” Paige gives Loïc a knowing smile.

  “Excuse me, Paige, but our restroom needs are not your concern,” I say with a grin.

  “Well, birds of a feather will flock together.” She shrugs.

  “Um…sure,” I respond hesitantly.

  “You guys want to order any dessert?” Paige asks us.

  I shake my head. “No, I’m good. Thanks.”

  “I’m sure you are,” Cooper chimes in.

  I look to him, wide-eyed, before the four of us start to laugh.

  This entire ordeal should be mortifying, but all I can manage to feel in this moment is pride because the handsome man across from me is mine—for all intents and purposes, at least. In every way that matters.

  Loïc

  “Slowly, I’m changing into the man I want to be—one who can love London, truly love her, the way she deserves.”

  — Loïc Berkeley

  It’s been a month since I finally decided to stop running from this connection I have with London. We haven’t said the words out loud—perhaps because of my issues—but whether or not we verbally acknowledge it, I have a girlfriend.

  Another first.

  I guess for London and me, No more running, is equivalent to, So, this means we’re exclusive. At least if I’m going to change into this person I barely recognize—this happy, open, loving sap—I can do it unconventionally and hold on to some of my autonomy.

  The past month has been extremely difficult—at least for me. I’ve tried to keep the darkness away from London as I figure out my new normal. I text and call when I say I will, and I show up for our dates. And, at least as far as she can tell, I’ve stopped freaking out.

  But nighttime—when my dreams come and the internal battles rage more than I would like—is hard. I’m a survivor. My body knows how to protect itself. It’s instinctual.

  This thing I have with London, although amazing, is going against everything that I am, that I’ve been forced to make myself be.

  I know. I’m pathetic. I want to kick my own ass.

  Poor Loïc has to date the girl of his dreams. It must be rough.

  Logically, I know that London is the clear, sane choice. I wish I had control over my dreams—or more often than not, nightmares. It would be nice to shut out all my insecurities and self-defenses. If I were able, I would ignore them and solely focus on London and how right the world is when we’re together.

  Essentially, I’m reprogramming my entire being into the person I want to be. The mind is a powerful force. My thoughts, my brain, have saved me throughout my entire life. In doing so, I was made into this person who put up walls to protect himself from loss, someone who didn’t trust, didn’t take chances, and rarely loved. I know I can change. I am changing. It just takes time.

  Thankfully, London is patient. I don’t share my struggles with her, but I think she knows anyway. She’s like Cooper in that way. She just gets me. It doesn’t matter what I need—time, patience, reassurance, love. She gives it to me without me having to ask. Thank God because I would never ask.

  Slowly, I’m changing into the man I want to be—one who can love London, truly love her, the way she deserves. I know I’ll get there.

  “Dude”—Cooper comes barreling into my room—“Maggie and I are thinking about going paddleboarding. Want to come?”

  A smile comes to my face as I imagine London standing on a paddleboard. I wonder if she could balance for an entire minute.

  “Oh, I would, man. I’d love to see London paddleboard. She’s hilarious when she tries to do stuff like that, but we have plans already. I’m taking her to Lake Michigan for a ‘relaxing’ beach day.” I do the air quotes with my fingers, and I can hear London’s cute little whine in my mind.

  “So, she hasn’t found your love for outdoor activities yet?”

  “Hardly,” I say with a laugh. “She’s more of an indoor type of girl.”

  “Right—so, like, completely opposite of you.”

  I shrug. “You know what they say…opposites attract or some shit.”

  “She does know that Loïc Berkeley doesn’t just lie at the beach and sunbathe while eating bonbons, right?”

  “She will,” I answer smugly.

  “You packing the boogie boards?”

  “Already loaded,” I say with a grin. I throw a few towels into my bag and zip it up.

  “I kinda wish we were going with you two. I like London. Plus, Maggie still needs to meet her.”

  “You’re welcome to come,” I offer as I head toward the bedroom door.

  “Nah, not today, but thanks. Maggie has plans with some friends this afternoon.”

  “Next time.”

  “For sure. Have fun, man. Have a nice relaxing time,” Cooper calls after me.

  “Don’t I always?” I exclaim over my shoulder.

  I hear his laughter as I exit the house.

  “Oh, I love the beach,” London says as I grab the cooler and supplies from the truck. “I mean, a beach in Florida or Hawaii would be better, but I’m sure this will be fine.”

  “Have you ever been to Lake Michigan?” I ask as I throw the boogie boards under my arm.

  “No.”

  “Well, don’t knock it until you try it. First, the sand in this area is the softest sand you’ll ever find. The water isn’t salty, so it won’t sting your eyes, and it’s really warm right now.” It’s almost August, which is the best time for Lake Michigan, in my opinion. “You’ve been living in Michigan for four years, and you’ve never come here?”

  “Nope. I usually travel with my family during the summer months, so I’ve never been here.”

  “You’re going to love it.” I walk around the back of the truck to meet her.

  “Um, what are those?” Her
eyes dart to the boards beneath my arm.

  “Boogie boards,” I answer simply as I start walking toward the water.

  “Why do you have two of them?” London calls out from behind me, the soft sand obviously slowing her down.

  I stop walking to let her catch up. “Because there are two of us,” I answer when she’s next to me.

  “I thought this was going to be a beach day. You do know what a beach day is, right? I’m talking about lying on a soft towel with a drink in hand, baking in the sun all day with an occasional short dip in the water. There are no surfboards allowed in this scenario.”

  I give her a quick kiss on her pouty lips. “Good thing I didn’t bring my surfboards then.”

  “Loïc!” she says in a huff.

  I continue my descent to the beach. I can’t help the huge smile on my face. “Oh, chill, little spoiled one. You’ll have fun,” I call back to her.

  The wind has picked up near the water, but I’m pretty sure I heard London let out a growl.

  I find an empty spot located in a small dip of a large sand dune. It’s perfect because the walls of the dune will keep out some of the wind and prevent our crap from blowing all over the beach. Plus, it’s fairly close to the water.

  I situate our large multicolored blanket, the beach umbrella, and cooler. “You ready to get in the water?” I ask London.

  She has taken off her shorts and shirt, and she is facing me in her string bikini. I have no idea how she maintains such a smoking body when she enjoys physical activity less than anyone I know. She must come from good genes.

  “You’re exhausting,” she says with a sulk, which elicits laughter from me.

  I reach out my hand to take hers.

  She wistfully looks down at the blanket. “Why did you bring the beach blanket? I have a feeling we’re not going to be spending a lot of time lounging today.” She sulks.

  “I’m sure we’ll need it at some point.” I bend down and kiss her cheek.

  I leave the boards by our blanket for now. She just grunts as we walk to the water.

  “You know, for being so worldly, London, you’re pretty sheltered.”

  “I am not. I’ve done lots of things. Just because my pastimes are different from yours doesn’t mean they’re wrong.”

  “You’re right.”

  We walk through the waves where the water meets the sand. Michigan doesn’t have brilliant waves like California does, but for a freshwater lake, they’re pretty decent, especially on a windy day like today. It’s a perfect day for boogie-boarding.

  When we get out to where the water hits my chest, London wraps her arms around my neck so that our faces are level, and then her legs go around my waist.

  “So, tell me what boogie-boarding is. Do I have to stand on the board?” she asks hesitantly.

  “No, it’s really easy and fun. You’ll like it.”

  “Easy and fun to you maybe.”

  I expel a laugh. “I promise, you’ll like it. We’ll swim out to about there.” I point to where the waves peak before they roll onto the shore. “See those waves? We’ll be there. You can lie on your belly on the board. I like to go in on my knees.”

  She glares at me.

  “But let’s do stomachs for now.” I smile. “So, you’re there, lying on the board, and the wave will carry you onto shore. It feels like a mini roller coaster ride. Kids do it. It’s easy. It doesn’t require a lot of skill. Just wait, you’ll have fun.”

  “Define a lot.”

  I laugh. “Okay, it doesn’t take any skill.”

  “That sounds more my speed.” She giggles. “I like roller coasters.”

  “See? Perfect.” I squeeze my arms around her, pulling her soft body into mine.

  “Someday, are you going to get sick of me and my lack of outdoor knowledge? You might do better with dating a lumberjack or a professional outdoor person.”

  “An outdoor person?”

  “You know what I mean.” She grins wide.

  “Do you know any female lumberjacks? Are they as hot as you?” I ask seriously.

  “Not funny.” She playfully hits my chest.

  “Listen, London, I adore you just the way you are. I love that you haven’t done a lot of the things that I like to do. It’s fun to experience them with you for the first time.”

  “You have a thing about firsts, don’t you?”

  “With you, I do.” My eyes capture hers, conveying all the things I want to say.

  She places her lips against mine. I kiss her back, slow and worshipful at first, savoring the way she feels. I have an acute awareness of her, an inexplicable pull toward her, and I feel it all—the way her fingers caress the hair at the nape of my neck, her body wrapped around mine, and the sweet sighs that escape her mouth. All of it, all of London, makes me insane with need.

  She is so different from me in every sense, but she couldn’t be more perfect. Everything about her fills me with a sense of calm. With each kiss, each giggle, each pout, she is teaching my cold heart how to live again. Her presence alone is filling me up with the capacity to love.

  I take the kiss deeper. I kiss her hard, my tongue licking greedily. Her taste is addictive. She whimpers into my mouth as her fingers pull through my hair, drawing me closer.

  She pulls her mouth from mine, her lips swollen and red, sexy. “I’m clean, and I’m on the pill.”

  It takes me a second to realize what she’s referring to, but when I do, I almost groan at the implication. “I’m clean, too.” My words come out hoarse, my voice saturated in desire.

  “Have you ever had sex in a lake before, Loïc?”

  I shake my head.

  “Me neither.” Her voice is low and seductive.

  With just a few words, London has the ability to make me crazy with desire. She is exceptionally skilled at it.

  I look around to find us alone in the lake—at least, this far out. A few people are up on this section of the beach, but I know only our shoulders and heads are visible from above the water. We’re far enough out that they would only be able to tell that we’re out here, but they wouldn’t be able to make out our actions.

  My breaths come out ragged. London’s eyes gleam in a silent dare.

  “You know I have a thing for firsts.” Using one of my hands, I slide my board shorts down until they are floating beneath the water around my ankles. I tightly hold London against me with one arm as my free hand pulls her bikini bottoms to the side, and two of my fingers enter her.

  She bites her lip at the intrusion, and a small moan comes from her lips, but she doesn’t look away. Our lusty gazes stay connected.

  “Do you like that?” I ask as my fingers move deeper.

  London closes her eyes and drops her face to my shoulder. “God, yes.”

  “Does that make you feel good, baby?” My thumb is moving in circles around her most sensitive area.

  “Yes,” she whimpers quietly against my neck. Her fingers grab at the skin of my back.

  I pull out my fingers, and pulling the small fabric of her suit further to the side, I enter her. Every sensation of this experience is incredibly intense. The feeling of being out in the open and together in this way is hot as fuck. The warm water hitting my wet skin adds a different element and is highly enjoyable. And the way she feels without a barrier between us is incredible. More than that, the trust she has in me to allow me to feel her in this way puts me over the edge.

  She continues to moan into my neck as my palms grasp her ass and push her onto me over and over again. I tilt my knees and bend my pelvis up, so I make sure that I’m hitting the exact spot that she needs. I can tell by the forceful way in which her hands grasp my back with her jagged breaths against my skin and the almost painful-sounding moans that leave her mouth that she is so close. My arms burn as I continue to move her onto me, increasing my speed with each thrust as I chase my own release.

  Finally, we’re both there, and as her body shatters around me, I let go. I capture her crie
s in my mouth as I kiss her hard. This is the single most satisfying moment in my life to date.

  The two of us stay connected as we both come down from our moment of ecstasy. My mouth captures London’s, the kisses slow and languid now. My lips and tongue cherish her with every soft movement.

  Eventually, I pull my lips from hers. Our faces are still a mere breath away as we stare into each other’s eyes.

  I want to tell her that I love her because I don’t know what else this feeling deep within my chest could be, if not for that. But I don’t. Perhaps I’m a coward in that way. But I hope she sees it and feels it in me because it has to be exploding from my every pore. It’s the most powerful emotion I’ve ever felt. It’s not the type of love I felt for my parents or even Sarah. It’s something more. It’s raw, intense, and a little desperate. More than anything, it’s terrifying because this feeling has the power to devastate me, to annihilate me.

  London’s eyes radiate with what I’m assuming mine do. Her expression is pensive, content, and a little fearful. But she doesn’t say anything either.

  Aren’t we a perfect match? Yeah, I guess we are.

  London’s the first one to break the silence. “Well, I think I might be turning into an outdoor person,” she says airily.

  I can’t help but laugh. “Is that so?”

  “It’s up for debate, but the outlook is good—especially if we can experience some more firsts together.” She winks.

  “I’m all over that,” I say seriously, which makes her laugh.

  Yeah, I’d risk complete annihilation to experience even one more first with London. And just maybe, if I’m really lucky, she’ll get all the rest of mine.

  London

  “Over the past few months—despite, or maybe because of, each varying aspect of him—I’ve fallen for the enigma that is Loïc Berkeley.”

  —London Wright

  There. I’ve done it. I’ve officially applied to eight jobs, all within driving distance of my current residence. Granted, it took me longer than it should have to commence my job search. But getting Loïc to fall for me felt like a full-time job for a while. Then, once I got him, I was obsessed with spending time with him, and when he was at work, I was thinking about spending time with him.