The Flawed Heart Series

by Wade, Ellie

  I yell, “No!” as my arm reaches out for him even though I know he’s not within my reach.

  I lunge toward him as I watch him fall on the grenade.

  The explosive beneath his body detonates. I stare in horror as Cooper’s body comes apart and shatters into pieces, tearing through the air. I’m off my feet and flying backward, but I’m unable to take my eyes off of my friend, my brother. Debris flies toward me, but I don’t feel it hit me.

  I can’t feel anything.

  As I collide with a hard surface behind me and I fall to the ground, everything fades to black. So many emotions are ripping me to pieces, but the last thought that burns through my mind before the darkness pulls me under is that I hope I never feel anything again.

  London

  “Love is crazy. It turns sane, independent people into wide-eyed, mushy-hearted saps. And I love it.”

  —London Wright

  I like how, every time I open my email, the question number gets larger in the subject line. It’s not an accurate count as to how many days I’ve been without Loïc. When he’s gone on multiple-day missions, he can’t send an email, and then some days, we are able to send more than one question back and forth. So, it’s not precise in keeping track of the days gone by, but it’s actually kind of averaging out to almost one question a day. I get an intense feeling of joy when I see the question number in the comment line of each new email. It’s like the larger the number, the closer I am to seeing him again.

  Loïc’s been gone two and a half months, and although I wouldn’t say it’s getting easier to be apart from him, it’s becoming less difficult—if that makes any sense at all. I guess I’m able to manage my feelings better and control the agonizing longing my heart feels for him. I’m trying to keep myself busy, which helps, too.

  My heart falls when I open my email and see that I don’t have a new one from him. The last one was from two days ago, February 20, Loïc’s twenty-sixth birthday. I do what I always do when I don’t find a new email from him, I re-read the last one he sent.

  To: London Wright

  From: Loïc Berkeley

  Subject: Question 80

  I don’t know. My eighth birthday might have been overtaken by my twenty-sixth. Our Skype session earlier was amazing, London. The only thing that would have been more amazing was if I could have been home with you, but we’ve got next year, right?

  To answer your question, yes, I’ve jumped out of airplanes. I wouldn’t call it skydiving exactly, but I think it counts. I’ve actually jumped out of many airplanes and helicopters. It’s part of my training, part of what I do. But I will gladly take you skydiving when I’m home. I’d love to experience that first with you.

  I’m possibly going to be gone all day tomorrow. I’ll write when I’m back. I have a very early wake-up call, so I’m going to sign off.

  So, question 80 is kinda deep. What’s your greatest regret?

  I know I’ve told you how I want to find Nan and Granddad when I get back. Well, now that my heart isn’t filled with so much hurt and hate, I regret not trying to find them earlier. As soon as I get back from our mission, I’m going to use some of my downtime here to look them up. You know, I think you’re right. Something must have happened.

  It’s taken loving you for me to realize that. I know now that, when you really love someone, you would never just abandon them without reason. I believe in my heart that they truly loved me when I was little. Even as a young boy, I felt their love. It was real.

  So, something must have happened. There must be a reason, I think. Don’t you?

  Gotta go to bed.

  I love you, London.

  Love,

  Loïc

  I read my response to him from yesterday.

  To: Loïc Berkeley

  From: London Wright

  Subject: Question 81

  Loïc,

  Yes, of course I feel that something happened. It had to have. It just doesn’t make sense that grandparents would abandon their only grandchild. I believe that there was something that stopped them from getting you. Maybe something legal? I’m not sure how all of that works. But the fact that they were in a different country had to present problems.

  I think that whatever you find in regard to them will be good for you to know. The mind can create scenarios that are much darker than the reality. Whatever you find out, you’ll be okay. I just know it.

  So, regrets? I hate this question because, as I go through my possible answers, none of them are as profound as yours. I know it’s not a competition or anything, but it makes my life seem shallow. I suppose, in a way, it was…is? No, I’ll stick with was.

  It seems so unfair that I have to put so much effort into this question when your life presented you with such a deep regret. The truth is, I don’t have many true regrets. Sure, there are things that I did or said that I’m not proud of. But I also know that each of those situations helped me grow as a person. I learned from every experience. Sometimes, the lesson might have taken longer than it should have to sink in, but I got it eventually.

  I regret some of the silly fights I had with my mom or sister, but none of them had a lasting impact on my life. They were more about learning how to problem solve and mature. I’ve regretted opportunities that I didn’t take or didn’t work for. But all those missed opportunities brought me here, and I’m pretty darn happy with my life at the moment.

  I wish I had talked to you about “cheating on me” last summer before assuming the worst and heading to a bar with ill intentions. But, even with that event, we grew as a couple when we talked about it afterward.

  So, I guess, I’m sticking with no regrets. That should be my hashtag. ;-)

  Question 81: Do you have any random fears?

  I don’t think that I’ve told you that I’m afraid of fish. Yes, fish. I’m crazy, I know. Once, when I was little, my sister and I swam in a lake in Wisconsin, and a fish nibbled on my toes. It freaked me the hell out. It didn’t really hurt, but it scared me. So, now, I’m afraid to swim in lakes where fish can nibble on me.

  How about you?

  I’m working on some job leads. I will let you know how they go.

  Stay safe. I love you so very much, Loïc Berkeley.

  Love,

  London

  #noregrets

  After I finish reading my email, I go back to browsing the Internet. I opt to wait a while before writing him another email. I’m hoping he’ll sign on any minute and we’ll be able to Skype. I’ve been searching online the past few weeks for local journalism jobs or writing gigs that would allow me to write freelance articles and send them in remotely. Leaving Michigan is no longer an option. I might leave someday, but it’ll be when Loïc comes with me. And I need a job with a little more challenges now. I think I’ve tapped out my potential with the job I currently have.

  I have moments when I think that maybe this is all moving too fast. I’m twenty-three, and I’ve already planned my entire life with Loïc. A year ago, that was not the plan. I was going to work, travel, hang with my girl Paige, and enjoy being young and single until at least thirty. Who dreams of marriage before thirty anymore? Certainly not this girl. Well, until now.

  Now, it’s all I think about—not marriage exactly…but an eternity with Loïc. Who wouldn’t want to settle down at twenty-three when they have Loïc at their side? Love is crazy. It turns sane, independent people into wide-eyed, mushy-hearted saps. And I love it.

  Obviously, I wanted Loïc at that car wash almost a year ago, but that was lust, plain and simple. He was hot, and I wanted to conquer him and have some fun…for just a bit. I wanted to win him even if just for a night, and then I would send him on his way. Who knew that it would turn into so much more? Definitely not me.

  Love’s amazing that way. It just kinda hits you, and when it’s real love, it’s for always. How could it not be? In true love, forever is the only option.

  My phone chimes. Looking down toward it on the desk, I see M
aggie’s name lighting up the screen.

  A smile crosses my face as I answer. Maggie and I have gotten close since the guys left.

  “Hey!” I answer cheerfully.

  Maggie’s crying. My breath hitches.

  Something’s wrong.

  The desperation in her sobs is palpable, and I’m instantly filled with dread.

  “What’s wrong? Tell me. What is it?” I beg, not able to take not knowing for one more second.

  “He’s…he’s dead, London,” she says through broken cries.

  I freeze. Big streams of tears course down my cheeks. I release the breath that I didn’t realize I had been holding.

  “Who?” I ask hesitantly even though I’m not ready to hear the answer.

  She sucks in air between sobs and chokes out, “David.”

  “No!” I scream, hysterical now. “No! No! No! Are you sure? No!”

  She doesn’t respond to my nonsensical cries with her words, instead letting out wails of utter heartache and devastation. I’ve never heard such tangible sounds of pain before. Maggie’s miles away, yet I feel her despair weighing down on me, like a blanket of sadness.

  We continue to cry together on the phone. I have no words. I don’t even know what to say. I’m so sad for her, for Loïc, and of course…for Cooper.

  How could this have happened?

  I see stories about deaths of soldiers on the news all the time. It’s pretty commonplace in today’s world. Typical responses—That’s too bad, That poor guy, He was so young, or His poor family—go through my head when I hear of those incidences.

  But to have that soldier be someone I know?

  Devastation doesn’t come close to describing the pain burning inside me.

  I know Cooper.

  I love Cooper.

  His smile, his laugh, his sense of humor, the way in which he loves Maggie, his importance to Loïc—all of it coming together renders him irreplaceable. Every little thing that made him who he was makes this hurt so much.

  There will never be another David Cooper in this world ever again.

  I will feel his loss every day for the rest of my life.

  I will never again hear his jokes, have him make me a delicious meal, or feel him pull me into a hug. I will never see a smile on Maggie’s or Loïc’s face that was put there by Cooper, and this maybe hurts the most.

  A smile caused by Cooper is something precious. It was real, big, and infectious. When I saw someone smiling because of Cooper, I couldn’t help but smile with them. Cooper’s joy had a way of pulling everyone in and taking us all on a journey with him.

  If one knew Cooper, they loved him. How many people in the world can I say that about?

  I can think of only one—and now, he’s gone.

  He’s gone.

  Poor Maggie. I will mourn Cooper forever, but what about her? How will she go on?

  “Wha-what happened?” My voice shakes.

  “A grenade.” Her words are barely audible, but I react as if she screamed them in my face.

  I gasp, and my body recoils as I lean away from my phone. Yet no amount of distance between Maggie’s voice and myself will make the words any less true. I squeeze my eyes shut as the thoughts of Cooper’s body being blown up enter my mind.

  I can’t go there. Oh my God, I can’t. No, no, no. I shake my head back and forth.

  “I’m…so…sorry,” I cry for lack of anything more profound to say.

  Maggie’s continued sobs are her only response.

  I’ve been sitting in the same spot for at least an hour…maybe two? I haven’t been able to move since hanging up with Maggie. The range of emotions that course through me are paralyzing. I’m still having a difficult time with believing that my phone conversation with Maggie actually happened. It’s all so surreal, a freakish nightmare from which I desperately need to wake up from.

  But, as much as I wish it were something my mind conjured up in my sleep, I know it’s not. It’s real.

  Cooper’s dead.

  That knowledge carries so much sadness but also an equal amount of guilt. I think back to Maggie’s phone call, and though I only felt it for less than a second, I can’t pretend that I didn’t feel relief when she said Cooper’s name and not Loïc’s. I’m an awful person. God, I’m so ashamed to admit it. I wish more than anything that Cooper were still alive, gracing the world with his warm smile and witty personality.

  But, at the same time, I’m unable to ignore the immense relief I feel that Loïc’s alive. It’s not like I’m glad it was Cooper and not Loïc. That’s not it at all. I wish it didn’t have to be either of them. I wish more than anything that Maggie didn’t have to be going through such pain.

  My face feels stiff, the tears that dried on my skin making it feel taut. Tears no longer fall as I sit at my desk, motionless and in shock.

  How could this have happened? How could this possibly be real?

  As much as my heart hurts for Maggie, it breaks for Loïc. What is this loss going to do to him? Was he there? God, I hope not.

  Loïc has lost so much, and now, he’s lost his best friend. This is going to tear him apart. I think to the Loïc that I first met back in May with his closed-off, tough-asshole exterior meant to scare away anyone who wanted to get too close. Will he go back to that place? Is he going to try to shut me out?

  No. I shake my head.

  We’ve come too far. He isn’t that person anymore. Sure, he’ll be devastated, but we’ll get through it together. We can get through anything as long as we’re together.

  I hate that I can’t call him.

  Maybe he’ll be online. I open my laptop, but my hopes fall when I see the little circle next to his name is a sad gray and not the bright green I was praying to see.

  An email will have to do.

  To: Loïc Berkeley

  From: London Wright

  Subject: I’m so sorry.

  Loïc,

  I just heard about Cooper. I don’t know what else to say besides I’m so, so very sorry. I wish I had something to say to make this better, but I know nothing will. I wish more than anything that it hadn’t happened. I wish that you didn’t have to go through the pain that I know you are feeling. I wish you were here right now, so I could hold you.

  I love you, Loïc. We are going to get through this. You are going to get through this.

  Please write when you can. I hate that I can’t be with you right now.

  Are they going to let you come home for the funeral?

  I’m sorry. I wish I had something better to say that would help you, but I’m at a loss. All I know is that, as horrible as this is…we will get through it, Loïc. It won’t always hurt this much.

  I love you.

  I’m sorry.

  I’m so very sorry.

  Love,

  London

  Loïc

  London

  To: Loïc Berkeley

  From: London Wright

  Subject: Please call me.

  Loïc,

  I’m so sorry about Cooper, and I’m so worried about you. Please call me. We can get through this. You can get through this. Talk to me.

  I love you.

  Love,

  London

  Loïc

  London

  To: Loïc Berkeley

  From: London Wright

  Subject: I love you.

  Loïc,

  I love you. I love you. I love you.

  I can’t wait to hold you.

  It won’t always hurt this much, I promise.

  Please call me anytime, day or night. I don’t care when. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, and I just need to talk to you.

  Please call me.

  I love you so very much.

  Love,

  London

  Loïc

  London

  To: Loïc Berkeley

  From: London Wright

  Subject: I’m sorry.

  Loïc,

  I don’
t know what you’re going through. But I know how much I’m hurting, and I can only imagine that you’re hurting more. I wish I could take away your pain. I wish I could change things. But I can’t.

  I can be here for you and love you. I can promise you that we can get through this.

  Please call me. I’m so worried about you.

  I love you so much.

  Love,

  London

  Loïc

  London

  To: Loïc Berkeley

  From: London Wright

  Subject: Love

  Loïc,

  I know I’m probably not saying the right words. I admit that I don’t know what to say to ease some of your pain, if that is even possible. But I do know that I love you. While I might not do or say the correct things, I can love you with everything I am.

  Love has the power to heal. I know it does.

  I know it won’t be tomorrow, next month, or maybe not even next year, but I will love you through all the pain until you’re able to feel okay. I understand that you will always mourn Cooper, but someday, you’ll be able to look back at the good times that you shared. Maybe, someday, every memory you have of him won’t be tainted with sadness. Just maybe?

  Please call me.

  I love you so much.

  Love,

  London

  Loïc

  London

  To: Loïc Berkeley

  From: London Wright

  Subject: Are you okay?

  Loïc,

  Are you okay? I mean, I know you’re not okay, but you know what I mean.

  Where are you? What’s going through your mind? Please share your thoughts with me…whatever they are.

  I’m sorry if I’m being selfish, but I need to hear from you. Anything. I’m going crazy, not knowing how you are. I’m terrified of you mourning the loss of Cooper over there by yourself.

  Why aren’t they sending you home? You can’t possibly think clearly on missions with everything that’s happened. Don’t they understand that?