“I haven’t seen him since last Tuesday.”
A sick sensation crawled through her stomach. Between now and then, something had happened. He had been fine when he left her apartment. Then, a few hours later, he’d sent her a text saying he had to go out of town on business for a few days.
His business had been in Seattle. She didn’t like where this was going.
“Maybe I should mind my own business,” Zack said. Now he was uneasy, too. Whatever he’d blamed her for, he now saw his mistake. “If Luke ever asks, I don’t suppose we could pretend this conversation never took place?”
Before they did that, she had a few questions of her own. She stared at the children to avoid looking at Zack. Finn had third position down pat, but needed to work on how he held his hands. Lydia, who’d grown bored thanks to her brother’s lack of interest in her, was chattering to herself in one of the mirrors. She pressed her nose and mouth against the glass and laughed at the distortion it made.
“When did Luke get back from Seattle?” Mara asked Zack.
“I’m going to be in so much trouble,” he said. Awkwardness stretched between them. “Maybe you should give him a call.”
Maybe she should. She’d been tossed aside once without any warning and she deserved better than that. Especially from Luke, who’d pretended they had something more.
Something she’d begun to want.
She beat her anger back through sheer force of will. Her last breakup had been too public for her to have any say. Letting her rage out then would have hurt no one but herself. She’d had nothing to gain.
This time was different.
“I’ll do that,” she said.
“When you do, can you tell him to quit being such a huge pain in the ass?” Zack asked.
*
The numbers on the screen no longer made any sense. Luke rubbed his eyes under his glasses. He was tired. He’d driven a tractor all afternoon, fixed a sensor on one of the robots, and he had another hour-long online tutorial coming up.
Also, the fields were ready for mowing, which meant between that, the cattle, and the biomass power plant, they’d be going flat out for the next month at least. So much for August. Jake had a young crew of local teenagers hired on to help out, but they required adult supervision.
Right now, Lydia was next door with Posey and the boys were out on the patio off the family room so Luke could keep an eye on them while he worked. The outer glass doors were open. He could see Finn practicing his dance steps. Mac was on the grass where he had Thunder—the young foal Jake had bought him and allowed him to name—on a lead rope, teaching him to respect personal space the way Jake had shown him he should. Mac loved that foal. He’d make a rancher someday.
And as far as being a dad went, Jake was shaping into a natural.
Zack poked his head into Luke’s office. “Got a minute?”
Luke looked at the time. “I have ten of them. What’s up?”
Zack lifted a stack of books off a wooden chair and sat down. He looked at the ceiling, as if in silent prayer, then at Luke. “I talked to Mara today.”
Luke took off his glasses, folded them, and set them down. He rubbed his eyes again, mostly to hide his reaction to hearing her name. He was too tired to keep playing this game of pretend with his brother. “What did she say?”
“That you haven’t called her since you came back from Seattle.”
He’d tried to. At least fifty times. And he’d have to talk to her sooner or later, but he’d been having a hard time getting his head back together. He didn’t know what to say—not to her, nor to his brothers. He didn’t know how to tell Jake and Zack that at the end of the summer, he’d have to leave.
He was going to be a father.
He didn’t believe he’d be a natural at it, either. Not the way Jake was. And his child would never know ranch life the same way he hoped Liz’s kids would.
He’d had his whole year planned. Now, his plans were in shambles. He’d also have to look for a new job in Seattle, because he’d refused to withdraw his written notice to the college. Denise had been furious about it, but since she wouldn’t reconsider a move to Montana so he could be part of the pregnancy too, he didn’t care. Maybe that was why he’d refused.
It wasn’t fair to Denise that she should have to go through a pregnancy alone, however. She hadn’t asked for this any more than he had, and he should be there for her, even though she’d made it clear that right now she was happy to have some distance between them.
Mara carried equal weight in his thoughts. He missed her so much that he ached. He didn’t want to hurt her. He really didn’t want to lose her.
“There’s nothing casual about this.”
There wasn’t. But his current situation wasn’t something he could talk to her about. “Guess what? That former fiancée I swore to you I was done with? Turns out she’s pregnant.”
The responsibility was his.
“I take it things didn’t go the way you expected,” Zack added, when Luke didn’t speak. “Did you change your mind about Denise? Are you two back together?”
“She’s pregnant,” Luke said.
Shock bleached Zack’s face white. He opened his mouth, but it took a few tries for him to get any words out. “Are you sure it’s yours?”
“It’s mine.” He had no doubts about that. Denise wouldn’t cheat.
He’d always thought he wouldn’t, either.
He hadn’t.
“When is she due?” Zack asked.
“Early February.”
Meaning she’d gotten pregnant in May, right around when he’d received word of the plane crash. He’d used sex to burn off his grief and she’d used it so they wouldn’t have to discuss a move to Montana. The pill gave her migraines so birth control had been on him, and he’d been careless.
The color began to return to Zack’s face. “I’m sorry.”
“So am I.”
“What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know yet,” Luke confessed. “There’s been too much going on.”
But he’d already discovered he wanted this baby. Even if he’d make a terrible father and the timing was wrong. The mother was, too. The night in the studio with Mara, when he’d forgotten the condom… If only that had been his careless mistake.
Zack switched into practical accountant mode. It had been a source of great amusement to their parents that Zack, who came across as so irresponsible, was actually the son with the most common sense.
“Don’t marry her,” he said.
“I haven’t thought that far ahead.” It had crossed Luke’s mind, though. He had to get past this noose Denise had around his neck and focus on what was best for the baby.
“I mean it,” Zack insisted. “A… friend married a man because she was pregnant and it turned into a nightmare for her. For her daughter, too.”
So that was Posey’s story. A few weeks ago he would have told Zack to keep his nose out of her problems, but he had no right to talk. At least things were going reasonably well for Jake and Lacey—if only Jake would learn to make time for her every once in a while.
“I’d like to think I wouldn’t be somebody’s nightmare,” Luke said.
“Denise will be yours.” Zack studied his face. A frown shadowed his brow. “Especially if she finds out about Mara. Who is gorgeous, by the way.” He drummed his fingers on the desk. “I can see why Dan McKillop has the hots for her.”
A hot, serrated knife plunged deep in Luke’s gut. Dan was the county sheriff and Ian McKillop’s son. He liked women—and women liked him.
Luke suggested Dan do something physically impossible to himself.
“Don’t marry Denise,” Zack said again, as if Luke had just proved some point.
“And don’t you say anything about this to Jake just yet. He’s got enough to worry about.” Luke picked up his glasses. “I’ve got a tutorial to run.” At least computer science made sense. “Can you help Mac put Thunder in the paddock
with the other horses when he’s done with the lead rope?”
“Okay.” Zack stood. “But you need to talk to Mara. Soon. Because I’m not going for Saturday morning coffee ever again. Those women are ruthless.” His full-body shudder was only partly for effect. Luke got it. Married women couldn’t stand to leave bachelors alone and the kids gave them a reason to pry. No parts of the brothers’ lives were off-limits, anymore. “Finn’s dance lessons are your problem, not mine.”
Chapter Eleven
Luke was alone in the family room, drinking a beer and watching the late news, ignoring the wreckage of toys and half-eaten crackers around him, when his phone rang. The kids were in bed. So were Jake and Zack.
Mara’s number displayed. She’d never called him before.
No way could he answer. She’d ask why he hadn’t called her like he’d promised, or showed up for Finn’s classes, and he’d blurt out the truth.
He wasn’t delivering his news over the phone. He’d send her a text in the morning saying he hadn’t had time to call because he’d been too busy helping Jake. He’d say he was asleep when she called—none of which stretched credibility. Life on the ranch was hectic and he should be sleeping.
But no way could he answer. If he did, he’d tell her everything—and then he’d never see her again.
He snatched up the phone before it could go to voice mail.
“I’m coming over,” he said, hanging up on her before she could utter a word.
He dumped his half-finished beer down the kitchen sink, grabbed his keys from the hook by the door, and fifteen minutes later, let himself into the darkened studio. He flipped one of the light switches—the one for the gray metallic fixture over the stairs. Its glow extended far enough to catch the first mirrors, which then reflected soft rays of light to the far end of the room. A limp white towel hung over one of the barres. She’d been working out.
He recalled in vivid detail the last workout he’d shared with her on that very same barre. Pain lanced through his chest.
He grabbed the stair railings, taking the steps two at a time. The shaky aluminum contraption swayed under his weight. He should have replaced it with something safer for her weeks ago.
She’d heard him arrive and was waiting for him by the door. Her dark hair was pinned in a tight ballerina bun that made the contrast between her crystal blue eyes and light olive skin that much more plain. A thin pink tank top announced she wasn’t wearing a bra. Short, pale-gray boxers topped off long legs and bare, calloused feet.
He loved the way she wrapped those legs around him while he was sheathed deep inside her. He loved the soft sounds of pleasure she made as he moved. He especially loved holding her in his arms afterward, while they talked. When they were in bed together, nothing mattered but her.
His throat felt tight and scratchy. Normally, when he arrived, she threw herself into his arms. Instead, she kept a few feet of distance between them that felt more like a mile. She was never going to want to see him again after tonight, but he had to do what was right. He didn’t know how to start.
She didn’t have the same problem. Hot, Latina temper showed in her blue eyes as she studied him. “Why tell me you were going out of town on business? Why not simply say you were going to Seattle?”
He could hardly explain that he’d wanted to ease his conscience regarding Denise when he’d just finished reassuring her that their relationship was over.
“I was going to kill two birds with one stone. Denise kept insisting we needed to talk and I was going to tell her about you and let her know I’d moved on. I also wanted to pack up my apartment and give my notice at the college. My life is here, with my family.”
And now he was going to have family in Seattle, too.
The hurt in Mara’s eyes cut him. She knew there was more to the story. “But you didn’t tell her about me.”
“I did.”
“What did she say?”
Luke drew a deep breath. There was no point in holding back. He wanted to tell her. He wanted to talk about it. He wanted her to reassure him that things would work out between them, even though he didn’t see how they could. He was so damned tired of loss.
“She said she’s pregnant.”
The color drained from Mara’s face. She clutched the edge of the kitchen island to brace herself. Luke took a step toward her, concern for her overriding everything else, but she held up a hand to keep him away. “Don’t touch me.”
Those three words stung worse than if she’d slapped him.
The minutes crawled by. He stared at the wall, giving her as much privacy as he dared to fully absorb his announcement. If she’d been even half as shocked as he was, then this had to be rough.
“What are you going to do?” she finally asked.
“I don’t know,” he said, which wasn’t true. He knew what he had to do—it just wasn’t what he wanted. He’d have a few months to come to terms with it all, because he’d stay in Grand as long as he could. Denise being pregnant didn’t change the fact that his brothers and the kids needed him, too. “I had all kinds of plans for you and me. I was going to show you around the ranch. I thought you might like to learn how to ride—that is, if you don’t ride already,” he added, pausing when he realized he had no idea whether she could or not.
There were so many things he didn’t know about her. He wanted to learn them all.
“I don’t,” she said.
“They perform the Nutcracker at the Billings Symphony over Christmas. I planned to take you,” he continued, hanging on to the dream because she was listening to him. Maybe she shouldn’t. He was telling her things that no longer mattered.
A flash of what looked like pain crossed her face. “And now you can’t, because you’ll be in Seattle with your wife and new baby.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“But that’s what’s going to happen. You and Denise…” Mara stumbled a bit over the name, then gamely carried on. “You were engaged. You haven’t been split up for very long. You’ve got to still have feelings for her, and she clearly has feelings for you. Plus, you have common interests. You’re both going to do what’s best for the baby and I can understand that.”
Mara was right, but she was wrong, too. All of Luke’s frustration at a situation beyond his control boiled over. “Why would marrying her be best for the baby when I know that sooner or later, we’d end up dragging the poor kid through a divorce?”
He heard what he’d said. Sonofabitch. Zack was right. He couldn’t marry Denise. Relief eased the tight pain that had tied his insides in knots for days. That was one choice now off the table.
But what else was he supposed to do?
Another option struck him and he seized it. “Come with me to Seattle.”
It would be perfect. Mara could teach dance there as well as here.
She looked at him as if he’d lost his mind. “So I can rub the fact that I’m sleeping with you while she’s pregnant with your child in her face? Can you imagine how much she must hate me right now?”
And she accused him of overthinking. “You have nothing to do with any of this.”
Mara threw up her hands. “Of course I do. You ended a relationship with her while you were hurting over what happened to your parents and sister. You started one with me while you were angry with her—against your better judgment, I might add. I was the one who told you we could do this. That we shouldn’t worry about the future. That we could keep things casual between us. And look at us. If I hadn’t wanted you so badly, if I hadn’t interfered, then you’d be with her right now.”
She wanted him. Hearing her say it with such absolute certainty had his heart pounding, even though a sense of impending doom overrode any thrill.
He edged closer. He wasn’t letting her walk away from him. “But I’m not with her. I’m with you. This is where I want to be.”
“You don’t know what you want,” Mara said. “You’ve had too much happen for you to think clearly. It’s been
less than three months since you lost your family, you’ve ended an engagement, and you began an affair that was supposed to mean nothing. You gave up your career. And now you’re going to be a father. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you should think about the future. Where do you see yourself in your child’s life? How big a part do you plan to play?”
That drew him up short. The thought of a child—his child—growing up without his active involvement hit too close to home. His sister Liz would never see the milestones in her kids’ lives. Lydia would start school without her mother to see her off. She and the boys would graduate, go to college, get married, and have children of their own. His parents, too, would never know their upcoming grandchild. His son or daughter would never know their grandparents, either.
He’d play a part in his child’s life. But why did he have to do it without Mara?
“I know one thing I want,” he said. “I want you. I need you. Don’t push me away.”
“I’m not.” Mara’s beautiful face softened. The temper in her eyes had long since disappeared, replaced by a wistful regret that he didn’t like. “But I’m not going to influence your decisions anymore, Dr. Pretty. I’ve made things hard enough on you already. How you decide to deal with this is up to you. Until then, I don’t think we should see each other.” She held out her hand. Her fingers remained steady. Resolute eyes fastened on his. “I’d like my key back.”
“No!” his brain shouted, even as he pulled the key from his pocket.
He clenched it in his fist, unwilling to let it go. He fixed the room in his head. The loft glowed with her presence. When he’d first seen the warehouse, and figured out that she lived here, he’d been appalled. But she’d turned the main level into a business, and the upstairs apartment into a home that was cozy and warm, and he’d felt as much at peace here with her as he did at the ranch. She made him happy in ways he couldn’t begin to describe.
And yet, so far, not one thing he’d done for her had brought her the joy he longed to see on her face. She’d dealt with her own disappointments and setbacks alone. He had no business thrusting his problems on her.
The Rancher's Secret Love (The Montana McGregor Brothers Book 2) Page 12