Scrambling (Out in the NFL Book 1)

by Lex Valentine

  “Are you sure you want to do this now? You’re both all wound up about starting football practice. Maybe you should wait until you’re both settled into this year’s team.”

  “You’re the one who suggested I come out to Mom and Dad and Reed. Why are you changing your tune now, Lacey?” he asked.

  His sister stared at him, her blue eyes filled with concern. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t come out to him. I just think you could time it a little better. Both of you are on pins and needles about football right now. Your revelation could just be an added stress.”

  “You don’t think he’ll take it well?” Evan felt panic rise within him. Reed had to accept him. He just had to!

  “Nah. I think he’ll be okay. But maybe don’t tell him you love him until you’re sure he’s accepted you being gay.”

  Evan always told his best friend everything. Until his discovery about his sexuality, he’d never had a secret from Reed. The secrets he had now were ones he didn’t want to keep. He wanted to tell Reed the truth, but coming out to him would be difficult.

  He thought of football practice which had started the month before. In the locker room, one of the other offensive linemen had snapped a towel at the ass of a running back who’d been shampooing his shoulder-length hair with a flower-scented shampoo.

  “Hey, fag! That your sister’s shampoo?” the lineman had joked.

  Evan closed his eyes for a moment, remembering the incident. It had been harmless, the two men were next-door neighbors and good friends, but the words had lacerated Evan’s soul. Those guys could never be told that he was gay. And while Evan didn’t think Reed could ever be like that, the fact remained that confessing his homosexuality would be a huge shock to his best friend. For the first time, Evan let himself wonder what his life would be like if Reed didn’t take the news well. Not only would it break Evan’s heart, it would leave him friendless, something he feared more than anything else. He and Reed had been inseparable for ten years. Evan couldn’t envision a life without Reed in it.

  And in the heat of that Labor Day weekend, Evan made one of the biggest decisions of his young life. He decided he couldn’t yet tell Reed he was gay. He needed Reed, and he’d sacrifice anything to keep him, even his own secret-laden heart. One day he would come out to Reed, but only when he was sure he wouldn’t lose his best friend over his sexuality.

  Deep inside he quivered with fear, thinking about the secrets he now withheld from the only person he’d ever truly trusted outside his own family. They were secrets that might very well ruin their friendship if they ever came out, if he ever came out. All the satisfaction Evan had experienced discovering just who and what he was over the long summer had now coalesced into a very real fear of discovery in general. He took Lacey’s advice a step further than she had intended and resolved not to say anything to Reed at all. He couldn’t lose football, and even more, he couldn’t lose Reed. Even at the tender age of sixteen, he knew, without a doubt, that a life without football or Reed was no life at all.

  His decision not to tell Reed he was gay lasted until the day they moved into the dorm at UCLA. Evan had spent weeks prior to the move dreaming and fantasizing about being alone with Reed and telling him the secrets of his heart. But a day he’d thought would be one of the best of his life quickly turned into one of the worst, and the pain he’d suffered that day still dogged his psyche.

  Age 18

  Evan rolled over in bed, grinding his erection into the mattress. The friction made him moan. In his dream, his cock slid with the sticky wetness of precum against another hard cock. Uncontrolled panting filled his ears as he moved his hips faster. Hard hands stroked over his naked back, reaching down to squeeze his buttocks, pulling them apart so long fingers could slip between and tease the tender puckered flesh.

  “Reed,” he moaned softly, his mouth finding the succulent lips of his lover.

  Their bodies writhed together on the hard mattress of the dorm room bed. Evan reveled in the freedom of college and being eighteen. He’d waited two years for this, the chance to be alone with Reed. He would come out to Reed, and Reed would come out to him. They would look at each other and confess their love…falling onto the bed in a maelstrom of passion…

  The friction became too great, and Evan thrust harder. “I’m gonna come. Oh, Reed. Fuck me,” he murmured into the hard flesh of his best friend’s shoulder.

  “That’s it, baby. Come for me,” Reed whispered, holding him with hard arms. “Love you, Evan. I love you.”

  Evan came with a gasp and huge shudder, his cock spurting hot seed between their bodies as Reed stroked him to completion.

  With a loud gasp, Evan jerked awake. His hand, trapped between his body and the sheet, was sticky with cum. His cock still throbbed, his fingers wrapped around the semierect flesh. Groaning, he rolled onto his back and glanced at the clock. Seven a.m. In two days, he and Reed would move into the dorm at UCLA for their freshman year. They’d already been to football practice at the college that summer, falling into the team’s routines easily.

  With football squared away, Evan could hardly wait for school to start. He’d been counting down the days to the moment when he and Reed would be alone in their dorm room and he could finally come out to his best friend. Over the last six months, Evan had begun to realize he wasn’t the only one who was gay, although Reed hadn’t come out nor had he done anything overt that would make someone think he was gay. But Evan knew Reed almost better than he knew himself. And he would swear that Reed was gay.

  After graduation, on the senior trip to Hawaii, all their teammates sat on the beach, eyes tracking the movements of the hottest women in the skimpiest bikinis. Evan watched Reed, and Reed watched the hottest men on the beach showing off their golden tans and hard bodies in swim trunks that molded to their thighs and cocks. Evan saw the lust in Reed’s eyes, and his heart soared. He just knew that if he came out, Reed would too, and then he would have the chance to tell Reed how much he loved him. They might have to keep it to themselves because of football, but Evan didn’t really want to share their love with the world anyway. He wanted it to be something special that belonged solely to the two of them.

  Every night now, Evan had dreamed of how it would be between them when they shut and locked their dorm room door. He badly wanted Reed to take his virginity and wanted to take Reed’s as well. He wove fantasies around the two of them and how wonderful it would be for the next four years. And after college, it would all continue as they both joined the NFL, safe in the cocoon of their closeted love.

  He knew he had unrealistic expectations of the future. He knew it would be difficult to play football and remain in the closet. He knew it couldn’t be nearly as idyllic as he dreamed it would be. And sometimes, he even dreamed of being one of the first NFL players to come out to the world.

  What a shitstorm that would be, he thought. Although, a good spin doctor might be able to turn it to the team’s advantage and get great mileage out of his confession.

  Honestly, the only thing that mattered to Evan was unburdening himself of the secrets he’d kept from Reed for the past two years. He wanted nothing but the truth between them. And he wanted a chance to love Reed without impediment.

  For two more days he drifted in a haze of erotic, fanciful dreams of what it would be like between him and Reed. He barely noticed that Reed seemed preoccupied and wasn’t home almost every time he called. His head was filled with fantasies of being with Reed, and anticipation rode him hard, crowding out virtually everything else including his logic.

  When the day finally arrived and they moved into their dorm room, Evan fidgeted with nerves. Reed had come to school accompanied by his family, but they barely saw him settled before leaving. Evan noticed that they seemed cool and rather standoffish, something they’d never been in the past. His own family fussed over both him and Reed. Eventually, they too left, and Evan was alone with his best friend.

  Reed sank down on his bed and buried his head in his ha
nds. Evan stared at him in surprise, finally noticing that Reed had been rather grim and quiet all morning. He wondered if it had something to do with how remote his friend’s parents had been. He flopped down on his own bed across from Reed’s and leaned his elbows on his knees.

  “Reed? Is something wrong?” he asked in a low voice, worry beginning to crowd out his euphoric fantasies.

  For a long moment, Reed didn’t move. Then with a ripple of shoulder muscles, Reed raised his head, and just like that, Evan’s self-confidence crumbled as he stared into the face of a man he didn’t know. Reed looked older than eighteen and ravaged by more stress than he could handle.

  “Just tell me what’s wrong. I swear to God I’ll fix it,” Evan found himself saying.

  Reed smiled, but it was a pale version of his usual bright grin. “You’re always there for me. Whatever I need, you’re always there.” He swallowed hard. “I wonder if you will still be here when I tell you what’s happened.”

  Evan snorted. “Of course I will! You’re my best friend. My only real friend. We’ve been together twelve years. Do you think I would throw that all away?”

  Reed made a disgusted sound. “My parents threw away all eighteen of my years. My whole life. It’s as if I don’t exist for them anymore.”

  Fear clutched Evan. He began to get an inkling of what might have happened. In his fantasies, when he thought of himself with Reed, he imagined Reed’s family to be like his own, loving and supportive of his orientation, choices, and lifestyle. However, he now suspected that might not be the case.

  “You can tell me anything. You know you can,” he whispered encouragingly.

  Tears welled in Reed’s eyes. His expression held pain and fear. “Can I tell you that I’m gay? Or will you disown me like my parents have?”

  Evan got to his feet and stumbled over to Reed’s bed, sitting down beside his friend. He wrapped an arm around Reed’s shaking shoulders. “You can tell me anything. I will never disown you,” he vowed. He thought about saying I’m gay too, but this moment wasn’t about him; it was about Reed and his pain.

  Reed turned and wrapped his arms around Evan, holding him with a grip so tight Evan knew it would leave bruises. Sobs shook Reed’s body, and Evan rocked him. He moved his hands down his best friend’s back with soothing strokes. For long minutes, Evan held Reed, part of him outraged for his friend and part of him reveling in the feel of the man in his arms.

  Finally, Reed’s voice, muffled by Evan’s shoulder, broke the silence. “They caught me, and I think that shocked and disgusted them. If I had told them first…maybe things would have been different.”

  Evan went very still, Reed’s words like a knife in his gut. “Caught you? How?” he asked, afraid of the answer.

  “I-I met someone here on campus a couple of weeks ago. A guy. Lennox Sterling. He’s a sophomore. We’ve been…seeing each other.”

  The soft, unsteady whisper became a death knell for Evan’s dreams. Agony radiated from his heart through his body, but he refused to give in to it. He refused to not be there for Reed. It didn’t matter how much he hurt; Reed needed him. He pushed his pain deep inside and concentrated on his best friend.

  “He came over one night while my parents were out. We were on the couch, making out and things got out of hand. I lost track of time.” Reed’s voice became more hoarse and more scratchy with each word he spoke. “My parents came in and turned on the light in the living room and caught me sucking Len’s cock.”

  Shock rippled through Evan at Reed’s stark words. For a brief moment, he thought the anguish would kill him. He couldn’t breathe. The vision of Reed, the man he loved more than anyone in the world, on his knees with some man’s cock in his mouth hurt more than Evan knew it was possible to hurt.

  “I’ve disgusted you too, haven’t I?” Reed said, his voice and body shaking. “Oh, God. What am I going to do?”

  He started to pull away, but Evan gripped his arms, holding him tightly. Evan stared down into Reed’s ravaged face. Drawing a breath that hurt like a million knives in his chest, Evan whispered, “You haven’t disgusted me. I’m gay too.”

  Dark eyes blinked at him in wide-eyed shock. “Evan?” Reed whispered in confusion, as if he hadn’t understood Evan’s words.

  Evan bit back his heartache. “I’m gay. I’ve known since I was sixteen.”

  “You didn’t tell me.”

  The words sounded accusatory, and part of Evan wanted to lash out at his friend. “Well, you didn’t tell me either, so we’re even.”

  He hoped like hell his words hadn’t sounded bitter, but he was afraid they had. Not that he could help it. Holding back his pain took every ounce of his strength.

  Reed shook his head as if he couldn’t make sense of anything. “The team…no one can know.”

  A sigh escaped Evan. “I know that.”

  “My parents… I can’t go home again. They’ll pay my tuition, but I can’t ever go home again.” Reed shook his head. “I have to clear my stuff out of the house before Thanksgiving.”

  “I’ll help you. You can store it at my parents’ house. They won’t mind.” And Evan knew they wouldn’t. They loved Reed as much as he did.

  “I love you, Evan. You’re my best friend. My only true friend.” Reed hugged him hard, his voice again muffled in Evan’s shoulder. “It’s you and me against the world, corny as that sounds, right?”

  Evan sighed again. He stroked Reed’s back, keeping his touch as non-sexual as possible. “Yes. You and me, buddy. I love you too.”

  He closed his eyes. He and Reed had spoken words of love, just as he’d imagined, but in a manner so far removed from his fantasies of the moment they said the L word, Evan felt numb inside. When Reed’s phone rang, he pulled away to answer it, and Evan stiffly moved back to his own bed, dimly aware that Reed had begun to perk up and look more like his normal outgoing self. He tuned in to Reed’s side of the conversation and realized that Reed’s new boyfriend was on the line.

  In his mind’s eye, his belly ripped open and his guts tumbled to the floor in a bloody mass. The rip moved viciously upward, and his heart fell out, bouncing a little on the floor before rolling to a stop, the muscles throbbing with the organ’s final beats. In moments, it lay still, and within Evan the numbness spread.

  The snap of Reed closing his phone brought Evan’s eyes open. The Reed he’d always known stood before him again.

  “That was Len,” Reed’s voice was breathless and excited, his earlier despair gone. “I’m going out to meet him. You’ll be okay for a while, won’t you?”

  Silently, Evan nodded, his gaze tracking Reed’s movements as his friend grabbed a hoodie and headed for the door. Before he opened it, he turned, and their gazes met. Evan struggled to hide his torment.

  “I wouldn’t know what do if I didn’t have you,” Reed murmured. “Thank you.”

  Evan nodded. “Same goes, buddy,” he said, shocking himself at how normal his voice sounded.

  Reed tossed him a smile and pulled open the door. Moments later he was gone. For a long while, Evan stared at the door. The sky outside grew dark, and his muscles grew stiff. When he finally managed to stand, he wobbled, but he made it to the light switch and flipped it before going into their tiny en suite bathroom. The face in the mirror shocked him. He looked gray and haggard, as if he’d been awake for days. Red-rimmed eyes stared back at him, and tears tracked down his cheeks. But the bright blue irises held no expression, and that stunned him. He might as well have been dead, because there was no life in his face at all.

  He turned away from the mirror with a mirthless chuckle. He’d been a fool to have built up all those fantasies in his head. He should have known better. He should have known Reed wasn’t for him. A guy like Reed, so bright and full of life, didn’t belong with a quiet, private person like Evan. He belonged with someone who was just as effervescent and outgoing as he was.

  Evan stood at the dorm window for what seemed like hours, just staring at nothing while he
tried to stitch his wounded heart back together. Down in the darkened walkway below, he saw two men walking hand in hand and realized one of them was Reed. He stared bleakly as Reed bent to kiss the shorter man. At first, he thought seeing them together would hurt. Then it dawned on him that it didn’t. Or if it did, he just didn’t feel it.

  He turned away from the window and closed the blinds. It would be a long time before he felt anything for any man. He had to get over the loss of his dreams and his first love before he could even entertain the idea of being with someone else. He figured by the time he mended his heart, he’d probably be the oldest virgin on the planet.

  Another man would have just gone out and gotten laid, but Evan knew he had to be careful. He might have lost Reed, but he wasn’t about to lose football. He might be numb with shock and pain, but he hadn’t lost his head. Football first. Everything else came after. It would be his personal mantra. It would help him heal his broken heart. And maybe one day, it would help him feel alive again.

  Age 22

  Looking back at the day he and Reed had come out to each other, Evan couldn’t say whether he’d made the right decision. He’d endured a lot of pain since then, and it was all wrapped up in his feelings for Reed. Today, he would seek the advice of a woman he trusted at the behest of a man he trusted. Bryce had pushed him into discussing his darkest secret with Darcy. The whole question of coming out to Reed was long past, but the secrets of Evan’s heart still remained. He had no idea what to do, but he hoped like hell Darcy did.

  He walked into the Stars’ complex ready to put his heart on the line. He’d had only a momentary hesitation at asking Darcy for her opinion about his love life. After all, Darcy Jensen had a rep for being a ballbuster. Evan wondered how the woman ever got a date, but then Bryce told him she’d been seeing his younger brother for the last three years which was how he’d met her. Jake Richardson was at least six or seven years younger than Darcy and a fledgling quarterback coach for the San Diego Chargers. Evan didn’t know who had the better deal in that relationship, Jake or Darcy.