Scrambling (Out in the NFL Book 1)

by Lex Valentine

  The familiar pain of unrequited love made his chest ache unbearably. “I don’t know. Probably not.” He closed his eyes. “You don’t understand how much it hurts, Reed. How wearing on your soul it can be to have nothing to look forward to in life. To know that you will never, ever know what it’s like to be loved in return. The day we moved into the dorm, when you came out to me and told me about Len, every dream that mattered to me in life aside from football died. I hated Len for years, and that wasn’t fair to you or him. I spent the last few years wishing Bryce was you, and that wasn’t fair to him either.”

  Evan opened his eyes, and bleak despair settled over him as he stared at Reed. “I couldn’t tell you. I couldn’t bear to lose your friendship when it was all I had of you. And then I lost you anyway when you retired. The last few years have been hell. I just wanted to come home. I just wanted to be near you, but I couldn’t bear it. The night Len died, you told me you’d never love anyone again, and I believed you. Yet I couldn’t bear the thought of watching you with a parade of dates, waiting for you to break your promise and fall in love with someone else, to love someone other than me.”

  He swallowed hard as tears rose in his eyes. One spilled over and rolled down his cheek. He realized he’d never really cried over Reed, despite all the years he’d lived with the pain of unfulfilled love. Now when he had the chance to be with Reed, everything he’d felt over the years came rushing to the surface. He felt raw and exposed. He felt sixteen again, uncertain and afraid of all the emotion that welled up inside him.

  “As much as I would do anything, give anything for you to be happy, there are just some things I can’t take any longer,” he croaked, his throat clogged with tears and his voice rough with them. “When you told me to come home, I couldn’t deny you, but I don’t know how long I can stay. If you and I can’t work this out, I don’t know how long I can be here. I love you with everything I am, but it hurts like hell. And for most of my life, that’s all I’ve ever known.”

  More silent tears followed, and even though his pain meds had begun to kick in and the aching of his leg subsided to a muted throb, the pain in his heart expanded until he felt as if a huge dark hand crushed him. The couch dipped, and moments later rough hands pulled him into a hard embrace. Reed held Evan tightly, pressing his head into the wide, muscled comfort of his chest. Evan breathed deeply of the scent of the man he loved, so wracked by pain that he could do nothing but let Reed hold him, his tears dampening the green polo shirt.

  And then Evan felt the miracle happen. A soft kiss on his temple, then one in his hair followed by another on his forehead. Beneath his cheek, Reed’s heart thundered unevenly, and hard hands began to touch him on the shoulders and down his back. He shivered even though Reed’s caresses had begun to heat his blood.

  “You’re crazy, do you know that?” Reed told him softly. “All these years your focus has been to give me whatever I needed and always be there for me. But you never asked me what I needed from you. If you had, I would have told you that I needed you. I wanted you. I love you, Evan. You were always first in my heart.”

  Slowly, Evan raised his head. His gaze locked with Reed’s. “So if we went back in time to when we were sixteen and I said, ‘I’m gay,’ what would say to me?” he asked in a low voice.

  A warm smile, gentle yet with the hard edge of need and a sharp spike of humor curved Reed’s lips. “That’s easy. ‘Good, because I’m in love with you.’”

  “You honestly would have said that to me at sixteen?” All Evan’s experience with Reed had been that the man held back his deepest emotions from Evan except when overloaded and overwrought to the point where he lost control.

  Reed nodded. “Yes, I would have. I wanted to tell you when we were fifteen and I first figured it out for myself. After that, I looked for any opening I could to spill my guts to you and tell you how I felt. When you never showed the least interest in me, never showed any interest in any guy, I thought I needed to hide who I was. Then Len came along, and he made me feel good about being gay…”

  Evan’s stomach turned. “I don’t want to talk about Len,” he growled. “I can’t talk about him. He could have taken you from me in more ways than one.”

  A heavy sigh escaped Reed. “He was always going to lose, and he knew it. He knew he didn’t have my heart. He knew you and football came first.” Reed brushed a hand over Evan’s head, his fingers caressing. “Does knowing what we would have said had we come out to each other when we were younger help you believe that we belong together?”

  “No.” Evan shook his head. “This helps me believe.” He leaned into Reed’s body, pressing against that hard chest, and fitted his mouth to Reed’s.

  They’d kissed the night they’d had sex together, but this kiss felt like their first. It held the sweetness and love of a tender first kiss. The kisses from the night before Len died had held desperation and the hard edge of passion. Evan’s heart banged against his ribs, a loud knocking that he ignored as his mouth slowly explored Reed’s. Tongues tangling, lips rubbing, hearts pounding…

  The banging grew louder, morphing into loud knocks on the suite’s door. Reed pulled away, gasping for air. “Dinner’s here.”

  He lurched to his feet and straightened his clothes before rushing to the door. Evan grabbed a couch pillow to hide the erection that tented his khakis, and tried to catch his breath. Vaguely, he was aware of Reed directing the room service waiter. Mostly, his focus was on what had just happened.

  His brain told him happiness lay within his grasp. It stood across the room in jeans and a polo shirt, looking good enough to eat and making him hungry for something other than the delicious-smelling meal that had just arrived. He just had to accept that all these years he and Reed had been in love and too afraid to tell each other. He had to accept that they could have what they’d always been meant to have if he had the courage to follow through.

  As he watched Reed usher the room service staff to the door, Evan knew that he could never walk away from Reed again. He could never utter anything but the stark, unrelenting truth to the man. Never again could he hide his emotions from the only person who had ever owned his heart.

  Reed locked the door and walked over to stand in front of him. The dark eyes he loved so well stared down at him, brimming with emotion. Reed held out his hand. Without thinking, Evan placed his hand in it. Reed smiled, and it held so much love that Evan’s heart filled with light.

  “C’mon, babe. Let me feed you and take care of you. All these years, you’ve been there for me. Let me give something back to you and show you just how much I’ve always loved you.”

  Reed’s words cut to the heart of Evan’s fears. He let Reed’s strength draw him to his unsteady feet. He clutched his cane as he found his balance, not that he needed it. Reed had an arm around him, steadying him.

  “It’s a new chapter for us, Evan. And this one has a very happy ending,” Reed promised.

  “From your mouth to God’s ears,” Evan murmured.

  Reed smiled gently and reached up to brush Evan’s hair back from his eyes. “No. From my mouth to your ears. You’re the one who needs to believe in my love for you. God already knows.”

  Evan stared down at the handsome face that had dominated his dreams since he was sixteen. Steadfast, shining love gazed back at him, and the sense that he’d come home finally hit him.

  “I believe, Reed. I really, really believe.”

  He reached out, and they clung together, the simple embrace pushing away all their fears and leaving them bathed in love.

  Reed loved the flagship Sterling Inn Spa and Resort in Dana Point. For three years it had been his whole world, and he’d given it the same focus he’d given playing football. Now he had Evan, and nothing else mattered. He was ready to relinquish control of the hotels to the COO and the executive staff who had originally run it when he’d been playing football. He was ready to settle down with Evan, get married, adopt kids, take them to school and PeeWee football prac
tice, and generally be a house-husband, catering to his family’s needs. He knew Evan wanted to teach and coach, which was fine with him. He looked forward to the PTA and carpooling. In fact, the dream kept him buoyed when real life threw road bumps at them.

  He’d spent the night in Evan’s suite, just holding him while he slept. The traveling on top of the emotional upheaval and pain meds had knocked him out not long after he ate. Reed couldn’t bear to be apart from him, and Evan didn’t seem to want him to go so they crawled into the king-size bed together, and Evan promptly passed out. All through the night, Reed lay holding the man he’d never thought to have. A quiet peace crept into his soul. It laid to rest all the angst and upheaval of his years with Len and his years yearning for and missing Evan. By the time he fell asleep, he believed in the miracle he held in his arms. He and Evan together.

  But life wasn’t always easy, and Evan had a long road of recovery ahead of him. The first morning that he awoke in Reed’s arms, he was a bear. A big man in a lot of pain and so not happy about it. Even after the pain meds took hold, Evan grumped. He refused to move into Reed’s suite at the hotel. He thought they needed some time to get to know each another again. Plus his phone call with the physical therapist left him bitching about how grueling it would be. He wasn’t in a good mood despite his happiness at coming home and being with Reed.

  Reed bore it all with an equanimity he’d never known he had. As long as he had Evan, everything else could be fixed or overcome. And he knew damn well that Evan staying in the suite next to his wouldn’t last very long. Evan wanted him, and separate bedrooms didn’t accommodate the kind of desire they shared. So the first few days they were together ended up being a rush of taking care of business. They didn’t see much of each other because during the day Reed spent all his time giving control of the hotel back to his executive staff, and Evan spent all his time in the gym, the hot tub, and with the physical therapist. At night, they would eat dinner in Evan’s suite and fall into exhausted sleep together.

  On the fourth day after Evan’s arrival, things changed. Reed wasn’t being called as often by his staff and Evan had a day off from his physical therapy. They awoke early, the morning breeze from the partially open slider ruffling the curtains. The tang of the salt air filled Reed’s lungs, and he smiled. The crisp, cool breeze emphasized the warmth of the bed he lay in and the big man whose body gave off enough heat to keep him warm in a blizzard. He burrowed his face into Evan’s heavily muscled shoulder, licking his freckles.

  “Tickles.” Evan’s muffled murmur broke the silence.

  “I’ll stop. But it’s hard to. I love touching and tasting you,” he said softly.

  Evan grunted and shifted in the bed. Reed’s hands landed on Evan’s rock-hard abs. He spread his fingers and caressed the warm flesh. Evan grunted again.

  “Been little enough of the touching and tasting since I got here. We had more sex on the phone with three thousand miles between us.”

  Reed chuckled. “Missing that, are you?”

  “Well, I did sort of expect you to jump my bones when I got here. Instead you’re fussing over me every ten minutes,” Evan grumped.

  “I’ve been worried about you.”

  “Stop already. I’m fine. More than fine since I’m here with you.” Evan’s hands slid up Reed’s back, the caress slow and seductive.

  “Then I have an idea. How about you shower and pack your bags? I’ll send the bellboy up, and he’ll carry your stuff next door to my suite. We’ll have some breakfast and go to bed, my bed—our bed—not this impersonal one. And then I’ll suck your cock so deep into my throat you won’t be able to think at all.”

  The seductive purr of his voice must have gotten to Evan because he shuddered and squeezed Reed close. “Okay.” He gave in.

  Half an hour later, hair wet from the shower, Evan stood at the door to Reed’s personal suite with the bellboy beside him. The bellboy left Evan’s luggage beside the bedroom door and slipped out. Reed headed into the kitchen and heard Evan following him.

  “This suite and the one you were in are the only ones on this floor. This is more of an apartment than a suite,” he said matter-of-factly as he turned on the stove and reached for a pan. “It has two bedrooms, two baths, a separate dining room, and a private gym. It’s been my haven for the past few years. You’re the first person other than the staff to step foot in here since I’ve been here.”

  “What the hell must they think?” Evan asked as he balanced on a stool at the granite counter.

  “That you must be someone the owner loves very much.” Reed broke eggs into the pan and glanced over at Evan. “Just so you know, I don’t hide how I feel about you when I walk out those doors.”

  Evan frowned a little. “I didn’t think you did. It would be a little pointless, wouldn’t it?”

  “Yep. I’ve truly come out now. I’m not hiding anything I feel any longer. I’ve done enough of that to last my whole life.”

  “Me too,” Evan admitted. “You know, it feels good not to hide anything anymore. For the first two openly gay players in the NFL we were still remarkably in the closet, weren’t we? The relationships we had with Len and Bryce were riddled with lies. We were afraid to date because of the press. And we weren’t honest to the one person in the world we loved more than anyone else. That’s not really being out, is it?”

  Reed shook his head and reached for the dish towel he had slung over his bare shoulder. “No. And believe me, I felt the weight of my secrets every day.” He slid the eggs onto a warm plate that contained bacon and toast.

  They sat across from each other at the end of the counter, sharing the big plate of food and reminiscing a little. When Reed got up to put the dirty plate in the dishwasher, Evan caught his hand.

  “My parents want us to come to dinner tonight. It’s Sunday, and the game’s on later…” His voice drifted to a stop, and he stared up at Reed with pleading eyes.

  Reed felt his heart expand with love for the big man in front of him. He looked like a little boy, the boy who’d captured his attention all those years ago on the PeeWee field, his sandy hair falling over his forehead above blue eyes brighter than the sky. The golden stubble on his jaw didn’t detract from the little-boy picture either. It just made Reed’s heart pound.

  “Let’s go to bed. Later we can watch the game, and then dinner with your parents sounds awesome,” he said softly. “It’s been a long time since I saw them even though I call them once a week.”

  He held out his hand, and Evan slipped his into it. He led the way to the bedroom, Evan keeping up easily even with the walking cast on his leg. Reed pushed open the door and stood back to let Evan in. The big man took three steps into the room and halted. He stared at the wall of photos and then spun on his heel, staring at Reed in shock.

  “It’s our whole life!” he gasped.

  Reed nodded and walked over to the wall, reaching up to touch the framed photo of them at age ten, in uniform, arms around each other’s shoulders, both with gap-toothed smiles. “I got most of the photos from your mom and dad. Others are photos I’ve collected over the years.” He pointed to a photo of the two of them with Darcy Jensen taken in front of the Stars’ stadium.

  Evan stared up at the wall covered in photos of him and Reed from their meeting at age six all the way through their career with the Stars. He drew a deep breath and turned to Reed, who saw the tears that shimmered in his blue eyes.

  “My God. When did you do this?” he whispered hoarsely.

  Reed shrugged, trying to play off his reasons for creating the wall of photos. The reality of which was that he loved and missed Evan with every fiber of his being after Evan left for Florida. He’d been obsessed with filling the void Evan’s leaving had left in his soul. He’d also been wise enough to know that no person would be able to fill it either. Only Evan. So he’d done the best he could with what he had left and had surrounded himself with everything Evan. If it made him appear a little stalkerish, so be it. The wall
of photos and weekly calls to Evan’s parents had saved his sanity at a time when he felt so alone he didn’t know if he could go on.

  “I started gathering the photos when I moved in here not long after you were traded to the Dolphins. The idea came to me the day you left. I stood at the window in LAX watching your plane leave. I felt really alone, and I missed you so badly I thought I’d die from the pain. That’s when I called your mom and asked for her help.” He moved restlessly, not quite comfortable with explaining but knowing he couldn’t very well lie. The wall told Evan more plainly than anything else how much Reed loved him.

  His lover turned and looked at the bedroom then. Reed tried to see it through Evan’s eyes, the huge flat-panel TV on the wall across from the bed, the bed itself a monster of a cherrywood four-poster covered in blue, green, and cream with a photo of the two of them on the nightstand beside the phone. Evan moved toward the bed and sat down, picking up the photo. It was the two of them in tuxes at the Stars’ annual dinner. They both looked young and happy despite all the pain he knew they both hid at the time.

  “It could almost be a wedding photo, couldn’t it?” he said softly, knowing that his words would give away his deepest desire. He crossed the carpet to Evan’s side.

  “It could.” Evan’s voice held a strange hush. He looked up, his gaze meeting Reed’s. “You’ve had this beside your bed all this time?”

  Reed nodded, a little embarrassed by his sentimentality but not willing to hide it from Evan. “I needed something of you close by when you were so far away,” he confessed. “And when I looked at that picture, I did fantasize that we were married, that you were only gone on a trip, that you would be home soon…”

  A shuddering breath escaped him as he revealed his secret longings, fighting back the wave of tears that threatened. He knew Evan could see and hear the emotion that shook him to the core, and he didn’t resist the big man’s next move.