Time for a few examples! He asked me to suggest a couple of ideas to get us started, since I had brought it up, so two of the first things I asked for were for him to praise me when he noticed that I had done something according to our rules, and also for him to verbally remind me when he noticed that I had slipped. I chose those two things as a starting point because it really helped me to feel that he was paying as much attention to his rules as I was. That proved to be so successful that he soon asked me if I had any other ideas. By then, he’d really warmed up to the idea and seemed to be liking the results, and so I was encouraged to trying a few more ideas. I told him that I liked the idea of a little daily ritual, because it would be a way for both of us to really get in touch with our D/S together, and that proved to be more successful than I’d ever imagined, once we got the details right for our particular needs.
I want to wrap this up by talking directly to the dominants for a minute. Other ways of being actively dominant, I have discovered, are mostly little things. Using The Voice… not the punishment voice, but the yummy-spine-shivering voice, for instance. Also, asking for little things can be a big deal, if you make it one. If you ask her to bring you a drink, first address her to get her attention, then make eye contact and make your request. Then, when she does, thank her while you’re making eye contact again. The eye contact means that you’re really paying attention to her, that you are “present” in the moment with her. This will give her the sense, for at least that moment, that she was worthy of your undivided attention, and that’s an amazing feeling. This particular technique of making eye contact for a moment can be used in conjunction with nearly any request or praise to make it sound deliberate and delicious rather than absent-minded (which sometimes happens, at least at my house). Something many submissives expressed they would like was to be asked to kneel or present other formal positions more often, or for the dominant in the relationship to ask them to be on the floor at his feet more often. Those physical expressions are a wonderful way for a submissive to get more in touch with her own feelings of submission, particularly when those behaviors have been actively requested.
The key to active dominance, then, is to literally do it more actively. If you think about it, you could probably think of a way to throw a D/S element into nearly everything from dusting to cooking scrambled eggs, from driving to oral sex. Sometimes it is as simple as approaching a mundane task with a dominant attitude (that casual confidence that we find so mouth-watering), or just remembering to make eye contact and being direct in your requests and praise. You can make it more involved and ritualistic, though, if that’s what you like. The ultimate purpose of being more active in your dominance is to feed her submission so that she can feed your dominance. See, you both win!
FIFTEEN
Active Submission -On Your Own Two Knees
You’ve got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down. - Ray Bradbury
HEY, YOU! YES, YOU, THE SUBMISSIVE WITH THE BOOK IN your hands. I’m talking to you. I felt it only fair to warn you this is kind of a tough section, because it will encourage you to take some personal responsibility for your own submission. I know, I know, conventional wisdom often claims we just fork it over into the hands of a master, but the reality is… well, frankly, that just doesn’t always work in practice. Prepare to swallow your pride for a couple of pages.
Just as “dominate” is a verb, so is “submit.” So if you are struggling to actively submit because you sense his lack of active dominance, does it then stand to reason that perhaps he may be hesitating to dominate because you seem closed to it, not just because of other factors, like time constraints?
No, you can’t drive the train of D/S by yourself, but neither are you a witless passenger, to be dragged about by the hair (if you’ll allow me the mixed metaphor). You have to remember that you have ultimate control over your own actions and reactions (even with and through irrational emotions; you need not let them rule you). You cannot control the factors of time or space, but you can control what you do with that time and space. Not what the master does… what you do.
If you want to submit, you can do that. Submission at its core is giving, is service, is offering. It is not a demand that it be met with its counterpart - in equal terms and immediately, please. If it is consistently given without its counterpart, the relationship then weakens and the structure is undermined. At the same time, dominance and submission are not mutually inclusive… you can have one without the other in any given moment. We’ve all had that moment where we felt submissive and the master didn’t feel dominant to the same degree at that same moment - and the opposite, where he gets all dominant and we’re sort of trudging along at best, outright defiant at worst, depending on how un-submissive we feel at that moment. I know that if I begin to offer it up only to have it regularly disregarded, ignored, pushed away or aside, that is a bad thing. However, to be fair, within the context of a D/S relationship where it is expected that we’ll submit, it is unlikely our submission will be dismissed out of hand very often.
Your role in his life is to be a joy, a blessing, a smile, more often than a pain in the ass. You are a reflection of his dominance with your words, your deeds, and your demeanor. It’s time to take a little more responsibility (god, pride is a bitter, jagged thing to swallow, isn’t it?) and accept that you can, if you wish - and you do, right? - affect things positively. Going forward, strive to do so in a way which reflects who you are, and who you want to be… in a way which reflects positively on him.
While you can control only your own choices, that is still a lot of control. You have the right to have your needs met, and the right and responsibility to communicate them so that they have a chance to be met… but you also have a responsibility for your needs. You cannot simply lay them at someone’s feet and saying, “Well, here they are. Do something about them.” With some specific things with which you need his help, that’s all right. With the things he demands, that’s all right. But when time and energy and tempers are stretched thin, it’s time to pick up whatever isn’t absolutely necessary and take care of it yourself- in such a way that he doesn’t feel as if you’ve wrested control away from him, or that you are shutting him out. Mary and John have run into this issue a time or two…
One of the ways John and Mary have incorporated D/S into their lives is through menu planning. Usually, they sit down for an hour or two each week and plan their upcoming meals. Mary takes detailed notes on exactly what John wants each night, how he wants it, and when. In addition to the D/S exchange this ritual gives them both, Mary also feels her master’s dominance reinforced every time she prepares those meals. John pays careful attention each night to what he is served, and his control over Mary is reinforced by his approval, or correction, of each meal.
However, John has been working a lot of overtime recently, and menu planning has fallen by the wayside, as has his careful attention at mealtimes. Mary misses not only the shared time with John, but also the feeling of his dominance that their ritual gives her. Mary may want to pout, whine, and pester John, or worse, prepare meals he doesn’t like. The reasonable part of her mind, though, knows he is not blowing her off. This is one of those moments where Mary has the opportunity to serve John even more than usual. Mary puts together a few week-long menus that include John’s favorite dishes. She makes a special effort to include several dishes that keep well, should John end up working later than their usual dinnertime. When menu planning time comes around, Mary tells John she sees how much work he is doing, and how tired he has been lately. She shows him what she has put together and asks him if he would like to use one of her prepared menus, or plan one together. Ultimately, whatever they end up doing will still be John’s choice. As a bonus, however, John has one less demand on his time, Mary feels that she has been extra helpful, and neither of them had to abandon their roles in the relationship to accomplish it.
Of course it isn’t going to be easy, but it’s completely
necessary, so that later, looking back on it, you can know that when it mattered, you did your very best, and didn’t hold back. This in no way absolves him of his burden of responsibility, because there is a “deal” here. If both ends of it are hanging just a bit slack, well… a certain amount of that is to be expected, of course, because no one is perfect. It’s important to remain aware of this “deal,” though, and not turn away, so busy with other things that when you go to pick it back up, you find you’ve unwittingly trampled it under your feet. We’ve all seen it happen once or twice, with ourselves or others, and it is preventable.
Another issue to avoid is the trap of expectations. If you perform an action not because you feel it’s best and right and natural and good, but because you expect some particular outcome, you run the risk of being disappointed, then disillusioned, then discouraged, and then giving up. Manipulation (which is what that is) isn’t an inherently negative thing, but it is inarguably risky, and does not provide consistently positive results.
The idea here is to actively submit in the hopes of inspiring him to actively dominate. Think of it like paying before the bill arrives: rather than waiting until something is asked of you, you offer it up first. Like this:
Mary: (kneels at John’s feet as he is watching television) Master, is there anything I can get you? I know you’ve had a long day.
John: (smiles at her, surprised and pleased) Actually, I was just thinking how much I’d like some hot chocolate. Why don’t you go and put the kettle on to boil for me?
It’s simple, but her offer resulted in him making a request. He was thinking he’d like some hot chocolate, but he didn’t say anything about it until Mary made the offer. Why not? Who knows? Maybe he was being considerate, thinking Mary had a long day too. Maybe she’d been in a bad mood all day and he simply didn’t feel like asking something of her which might result in a negative encounter. Maybe the last time he asked her to do a small task like this, she snapped at him instead of responding in the spirit of submission. Or maybe he was thinking he would get his own chocolate during a commercial, falling into old habits of self-reliance, rather than noting the opportunity to request her service. It could be anything, really, but the point is that Mary offered and John responded. Even something so small as her simple willingness to serve could be enough to put him in a dominant state of mind for the rest of the night. If it doesn’t, though, it was still a positive interaction between the two of them, and that’s never a bad thing. If, on the other hand, it doesn’t and Mary only made her offer with the expectation that it would, she’s probably going to be pissy when her plan doesn’t work out as she’d hoped. That’s an example of not really approaching things with a spirit of submission.
I’m not telling you to be the leader; that is the master’s job by right, of course. But even followers move of their own accord, walking behind the leader, helping where necessary, rather than being dragged along behind. If submission is a part of you, and a D/S relationship is what you want, then it only makes sense to be willing to work at it as hard as you want him to. Offer it up. Submit actively, as much as you can, even sometimes when he’s not dominating actively, because it really can be inspirational.
What do you do when you’ve done your best to submit actively and yet it still doesn’t seem to arouse his dominance? Refer to the section on communication… sit down and talk about it. It’s very possible the only problem is that he isn’t aware of what you need or want, how to go about giving it to you, or that he simply doesn’t understand what your signals mean. Try to avoid becoming frustrated and discouraged, and be open to working it out instead. There are few problems which cannot be solved via open and honest communication.
SIXTEEN
Submission Is a Gift -All Tied Up With String
The only gift is a portion of thyself. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
IS SUBMISSION IS A GIFT? I DON’T BELIEVE SO. SUBMISSION IS a need, in those who are submissive by nature. If you are a submissive in your core, it’s a natural thing to express it to one who compliments your submission with dominance. You are always submissive, whether you’re in a position to express it or not. If you are in a position in life wherein you are unable to openly express your submission, if you are utterly without an outlet, you are no less submissive than if you were in a D/S relationship with a constant outlet for this aspect of yourself. Because this is an inherent part of you, it continues to exist whether or not you have a framework within which to act upon it. This aspect of your core self is no less a part of you than your other traits. The need to express this aspect of yourself is part of the whole you.
To call submission a gift means to give it, no strings attached, with no expectation of getting something in return. Let’s face it: almost no one does this. Submission therefore is not a gift, but a commodity. That doesn’t in any way make it bad, or cheap, or less “romantic.” We offer submission expecting to get dominance in return. So it’s not giving a gift, but establishing a symbiotic relationship where each feeds from the other. I need to give what he needs to take, and I also need to take that which he feels a need to give. My needs are met twice - my need to be dominated, and also my need to serve. As are his - his need to control and his need to be served.
It must be said that if submission is a gift, so too is dominance, and yet “the gift of dominance” hasn’t gotten nearly as much press within our lifestyle. So why one and not the other? They are merely two sides of one coin, and one cannot be seen as better than the other, for each without the other is incomplete. I’ve long been confused by the idea of submission as a gift, because it seems that submission is then implied to be superior to dominance, which seems blatantly contrary to the very essence of submission. How is a submissive to remain humble if she is led, by our own community, to believe that she is gracing her dominant with a gift, rather than participating in a mutually fulfilling relationship? I think it’s an important distinction to make, because the mixed signals that are often a result of this issue can lead to emotional confusion for submissives. Submission is indeed precious and special, and dominance is no less so. While some might say that submission is the more vulnerable quality, this is arguable, and perhaps best left to the judgment of each individual.
Maybe, then, it is simply the presence of the submissive in the dominant’s life which is seen as the gift. However, is not the dominant’s presence in the submissive’s life also a gift, using that standard? Dominants are no less a gift to us than we are to them, as anyone who has found hers after years of searching will attest. Yet dominance is not typically spoken of as a gift. A submissive who views her very presence in a dominant’s life as a gift that she can take away at will, while she’s not entirely wrong, must realize that the same can be said of him. Either one can leave the relationship at any time.
When I hear people speak of “the gift of submission,” I never assume they mean the submission which is given to the dominant, I instead assume they are speaking of those who have a gift for submission, like some people have a gift for singing. Because I consider it to be an inherent trait, similar to a talent, this is simply the way I perceive it. However, many submissives whom I have heard use this phrase are using it in the sense that they possess something that they can give and take away at will. Often, it is accompanied by a somewhat superior attitude, as if a dominant must run a gauntlet to prove himself worthy before the submissive will deign to obey him.
Now, in a sense, some of this holds true. We have established that submission is precious and special, and a dominant does need to be worthy before a submissive should entrust him with something so important. But the attitude with which I have seen some submissives approach this subject is not at all humble, and that is simply not becoming to a woman who calls herself a submissive. Self-confidence is a beautiful thing and everyone should possess that, but the same can be said of humility.
I once had a conversation with a dominant who told me he had recently ended his budding relationship because the s
ubmissive he was seeing told him that her submission was a gift, and refused to discuss engaging in any D/S with him at all until he proved to her that he was worthy. He told me he could understand her wanting to wait until she was comfortable, but it was her attitude about it that completely turned him off. “I want a girl who knows her place,” he told me, exasperated. “I don’t have room in my life for someone who wants to pretend to be the submissive while she acts like that.”
Ouch, right? I know if someone said that about me, I’d be heartbroken. It’s absolutely fine to view your submission as a gift, and it’s essential to be responsible about who you entrust it to. But it is also important to remain true to your essential nature, and not let this kind of thing cultivate arrogance, as it seems prone to do. It is possible to view your submission as a gift and not act like a conceited bitch about it.
One crucial part of submission is to know your place. It’s not a negative thing at all! It is the place we’ve chosen, if we’re choosing to be in a D/S relationship (or seeking one). Part of knowing your place is to remain humble. As the example above shows, it’s possible that this is why some dominants get prickly when the issue of “submission as a gift” arises… because so many women who hold this viewpoint have a negative attitude about it, and because submission is so often portrayed as superior to dominance when discussed in this manner.
The point is that neither is superior to the other, that both are absolutely necessary in order for both people to find fulfillment, and that it is actually possible to continue to hold to this philosophy (if you choose to) without allowing it to run away with you. If you wish to view your submission as a gift, then go right ahead. But it’s important to also recognize dominance as a gift. I know that I certainly do, partially because I lived without it for so long that when I finally found my master, I felt that his dominance was one of the greatest gifts I’ve ever received. If you have a dominant in your life, I’m willing to bet that you feel similarly. Not only is this a healthier attitude toward dominance and submission, it’s also widely considered to be a more attractive one.
Conquer Me: girl-to-girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires Page 8