Conquer Me: girl-to-girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires

by Kacie Cunningham

  A sticky question about which I’ve had several conversations (with both submissives and dominants) is whether or not a master should punish his girl when he feels that she has deliberately disobeyed in order to be punished. People seem to disagree with me as often as agree, so I’ll explain my personal thoughts on this, and you can decide where you stand on the issue. I believe that he should, in most cases, and here is why.

  If a girl has done something she knows is wrong, fully understanding the consequence for that is punishment, then the punishment must be forthcoming. This is because, no matter her motivation, the master must be as consistent as humanly possible. Her motivation might have to do with a desperate need to know her boundaries, and she may have acted subconsciously, in an effort to feel firmly in her place once more, and to know the safety that that brings. She may have acted out just to be a brat, which deserves punishment. She may even be having “conquer me” feelings that need to be discovered and discussed, but only after the punishment. I truly believe that the single most important trait that a master in a D/S relationship can possess is consistency, so if something is against the rules one day, it must always be against the rules. If an action results in punishment once, it must always (except in rare, extreme cases and at the master’s discretion) result in punishment. This consistency is perhaps the best way to help a submissive to feel safe and secure within the structure of her D/S relationship. Keep in mind, a discriminating master may well use a punishment other than the one he thinks his submissive is expecting, so the spanking you anticipated might turn out to be something else entirely. (It must be said that there are people who simply choose not to engage in any type of punishment dynamic in their D/S relationships. If you’re one of these, it’s important that you find a partner whose ideals on this matter align closely with yours, so that you have the best possible chance of having a fulfilling D/S relationship. I’m not sure that it’s possible to have a D/S relationship without some level of discipline, but punishment is by no means an absolute.)

  Discipline is not the same thing as punishment. Discipline teaches correct behavior, and discourages improper behavior. It is a fine balance between positive and negative reinforcement, depending on the situation. It is primarily used to train, correct, and direct behavior to meet expectations. While punishment is a tool of discipline, used as negative reinforcement to deter the submissive from repeating the action which led to it, discipline itself also encompasses systems of explanation and reward. Submissives are adults, after all, and can be reasoned with. Sometimes an explanation is all that is needed to discourage that behavior from happening again, and this would be a disciplinary tool that is not strictly defined as punishment. (However, if that explanation is given in the form of a lecture which takes place in a ritualized way that makes the submissive experience the event as a punishing one, then it could be considered a punishment.) When rewards are given as positive reinforcement for good behavior, this is also a form of discipline, because it is intended to teach the idea that performing up to standard will result in good things happening. Warnings are also considered to be disciplinary rather than punishing, because they are also intended primarily to teach and train behaviors, not simply reprimand once a girl has been found displeasing. Discipline, however you choose to use it, is vital to a D/S relationship because it helps outline and reinforce the boundaries of the relationship.

  TWENTY-SEVEN

  Abuse

  The time has come for submissives to take a stand. -Bob Harris

  IT’S WELL KNOWN WITHIN OUR LIFESTYLE THAT KINK and abuse are vastly different. Sort of like peanut butter and jelly… the only things those two have in common is they’re both spreadable and tasty. This analogy works for abuse and kink, because on the surface, there are some common factors, such as control, and (in many relationships) pain. So, let’s talk about the differences between the two, ways to recognize abusive relationships for what they really are, and how you can avoid falling into one that’s masquerading as kink.

  Right up front, I’m going to say that if you are (or even think you might be) in an abusive relationship, there is help for you. I know, I know, you’ve heard it before, but that doesn’t make it any less true. If you need help, use it. Get out, and get on with your life the way it should be lived. You deserve better.

  In order to talk about the differences between abuse and kink, we really do have to cover some of the similarities at the same time, because these similarities are often how people end up in relationships they thought were kinky but turn out to simply be abusive.

  A victim who lives in fear of what will happen next is not living under the benefit of “positive intent” that a dominant brings to a healthy kink relationship. Submissives are not primarily motivated by fear; victims are. For a victim of abuse, the highest goal is to get through the day unscathed, always fearing what the abuser might do. For a submissive in a healthy kink relationship, the goal is to provide her highest level of service, and be as good as she can be, because she knows there is no pleasure like the one she gets from being a “good girl.” The healthy submissive is motivated by pleasure, the giving and the seeking of it, while the victim is motivated by fear.

  The website www.domesticviolence.org lists the following as examples of abuse, and these are a great starting point:

  • name-calling or putdowns

  • keeping a partner from contacting family or friends

  • withholding money

  • stopping a partner from getting or keeping a job

  • actual or threatened physical harm

  • sexual assault

  • stalking

  • intimidation

  Right off the bat, I see several things which, with a slightly different perspective, are fun to me and many people within the lifestyle. We’ll take these one at a time, explaining some of the key differences. Before long, I bet you’ll notice a pattern.

  While no one likes to be put down, I know a lot of submissives who enjoy (and happily consent to) being called names, particularly during scenes or sex. Slut, whore and bitch are just a few… some enjoy being called other things. I used to know a girl who loved being called “dirty little piggy.” While I would personally find that hurtful and damaging to my self-esteem, it really got her rocks off. Now, if your partner calls you names that genuinely hurt your feelings, like stupid, worthless, or lazy, it is verbal abuse. “(You may hear “verbal abuse” used as a scene terminology for consensual, sexy name-calling, but what I’m describing here is different, as I hope is clear.) Also, if your partner puts you down by saying things like, “Can’t you get anything right?” or “Why do I even put up with you?” and these things hurt your feelings, you are being verbally abused. However, if hearing those things gets you all hot and bothered, then by all means, enjoy!

  Preventing a partner from contacting family or friends, even with her consent, is a sticky topic. In terms of domestic abuse, this practice is often called “isolating,” and is a way for the abuser to ensure that his victim doesn’t maintain ties with her family and friends, because those people could potentially see what he’s doing to her, and encourage her to leave. At the very least, having close ties with people like this would provide his victim with resources should she wish to leave. Even if they don’t actively try to remove her from the situation, they may expose her to healthier thinking, which could undermine his ability to oppress her. This intent to cut the victim off from help is why most isolating occurs in abusive relationships.

  While it’s not standard practice, a master may sometimes request his submissive to refrain from having contact with people who negatively impact her life. As an example, I’ll share with you a short personal story. My mother and I are not close, and her presence in my life was harmful to me, so I had little contact with her for years. After my grandmother died, my mother showed a desire to become closer to me. Before long, the hurtful behaviors resurfaced, and Master asked me to reconsider my relationship with her because it
had such a negative impact on my life. I took his advice and I’m happier for it. No, he never forbade me to see her; he merely wanted what was best for me, and by extension, himself.

  I know many submissives who have no money of their own, nor control over their personal or household finances, and this is merely part of the D/S they choose. Sometimes, they have small allowances or budgets. For instance, I know a couple who has a household budget. The submissive is free to purchase anything for the household out of this money such as food and cleaning supplies, though larger purchases need to be approved by her owner. Her own spending money is hers to do with as she pleases. Some sub-missives don’t have even these freedoms, and must ask for anything they might need or want. Most of these submissives prefer it this way, some because it’s one less thing for them to worry about, and others because they adore the feeling of this aspect of control - they feel it helps them to be more in touch with their submission on a daily basis. In every case I’m aware of, the submissive has consented to this restriction, it is part of a healthy dynamic. However, I’m not saying this practice is never abusive; it sometimes is. One of the reasons abusers use this tactic is to prevent the victim from having the ability to leave, because there is no money to do so.

  There are submissives who don’t work because their owners prefer them to be home, for whatever reason (perhaps because they attend college, or are raising children). Many of these submissives would not make this choice if they weren’t in these relationships, it’s true - in part because they’d then have to work in order to eat! As long as his preference for her to stay home has been negotiated, and the submissive has consented, this is merely an aspect of their particular relationship and is not abusive in any way. In terms of abuse though, this ties in strongly with money, and isolating. If she isn’t working, she can’t have any money of her own to hide away as a leaving fund, and she can’t make any connections with co-workers who might help her leave.

  The issue of physical harm is an issue of perception… my idea of a good time is someone else’s idea of abuse. The keyword here is harm… kink might hurt, if you like that sort of thing, but it should never result in harm. Still, physical pain is a part of life for many of us, whether it’s a scene, or a punishment. Ultimately, the issue here is really consent. Submissives in kinky relationships with an element of sadomasochism consent to a certain amount of pain, because they like it. Many submissives who do not enjoy pain consent to possibly painful punishments in order to reinforce the core values of the relationship dynamic. Victims of abuse do not consent to being hurt, and this type of physical abuse is harmful and damaging to them, physically as well as emotionally. It is not the fun and games that kinky play is to us. This is perhaps one of the most commonly misunderstood parts of our D/S relationships, second only to the issue of control.

  Sexual assault is, by definition, an attack, and is always an example of abuse. Having said that, though, it’s imperative to mention there are a lot of people who greatly enjoy participating in what is commonly called “mock rape” or “rape fantasy.” Generally this means that a woman consents to pretend that she is being raped, while she actually wants and enjoys the encounter. Also, many submissives in D/S relationships have given consent for any sexual encounter within that relationship, so that any sex between its members is considered consensual. In my relationship, for example, I have consented to belong to Master, within the parameters of our agreed limits. Part of this agreement is his right to have access to me - I have given blanket consent to sex. In order for me to not participate in a sex act with him, if I truly don’t want to, I must explain why and hope he’ll be generous. Of course, I can safeword if it really comes down to it, but I have never had to. The key point here is that victims of abuse don’t have these fail-safes; they have no way to put a stop to unwanted sexual activity with their abusers, and there is no consent in place, unlike in healthy D/S dynamics. Forcing anyone to participate in a sex act when she has not consented is rape, which is abuse, plain and simple.

  As for stalking, I can’t imagine a situation in which this can be used within a D/S relationship for fun, though I’m willing to bet there are people who can. However, in most cases, stalking is abusive behavior. Sometimes it’s used before a relationship begins, in order to make a woman feel very desired, and to seduce her with those feelings. It’s also common for victims of abuse to be stalked after leaving the relationship, often because the abuser is trying to lure her - or frighten her - back. Some will even stalk during abusive relationships, usually in an attempt to catch the victim doing something wrong, such as breaking the rules, or (very often) cheating. In most cases, stalking is abusive. This behavior, like all abusive behaviors, goes back to the issue of control, because the stalker doesn’t like to think of his victim as being outside his control. He wants to be aware at all times what she is doing, where she is going, who she is seeing. The dominant who wants this same level of control will simply provide a structure which allows him to have it with her participation and consent, instead of having to stalk his submissive.

  Intimidation is undeniably a tactic of abusers, but it’s also a factor in some healthy D/S dynamics. Some submissives enjoy this (to a degree), consent to it, and respond to it very well. In this case, it is not abuse. Within D/S, intimidation might take the form of threats of punishment, strong applications of disciplinary reminders, and other things which are common within our lifestyle, such as during interrogation scenes and similar play. In the broader sense of the word, though, intimidation can take such forms as abusing pets and/or throwing and breaking things in anger, particularly when these actions are then blamed on the victim. Obviously, threats of violence or other consequences can also be used as methods of intimidation in abusive relationships. You may be asking yourself what the difference is, since they appear so similar on the surface. The answer is this - intent. The dominant intends to help his submissive grow, and in some relationships, intimidation is merely one agreed-upon means to this end. The abuser’s intent is not beneficial to his victim, but only to himself: he wants to control her in order to soothe his own sense of insecurity.

  So, you may have noticed that the key difference I keep mentioning in the context of these things is… say it with me… consent. This is probably as good a time as any to define what consent is within the lifestyle.

  When we, within this lifestyle, say consent, we’re typically talking about what we call “informed consent.” This means that the parties involved are fully aware and informed about the issue at hand, and have made the decision to allow it based on all of that knowledge. So, in order to really consent to something, it’s necessary to be informed. By definition, it’s impossible to consent to abuse, because no one informs a victim in advance that abuse is going to take place. Some people try to make the argument that by not leaving, the victim is giving implied consent. Implied consent means that by not saying no, you’re saying yes. If this were true, it would make the victim complicit in her own abuse, and that is simply ludicrous. There are many reasons why victims do not leave abusive relationships, and none of those reasons mean that she is therefore consenting to be abused. Submissives within healthy kinky relationships have consented to the things that they desire, or will otherwise accept within those relationships, but victims of abuse have not given consent. Likewise, submissives who have consented to D/S relationships with certain elements have also not consented to abuse.

  While consent is a core difference between kink and abuse, it’s not the only difference. There is also the issue of intent, as I mentioned before. The dominant in a D/S relationship should always have the intent to fulfill, enhance, enjoy, and improve his submissive, even when he is doing things which, on the outside, might appear to be less than kind. On the other hand, abusers do things with the specific intent to harm their victims… maybe not constantly, but consistently. The healthy dominant strives to act in ways which benefit his submissive and himself, while the abuser benefits only himself at the
expense of his victim.

  The key similarity between a healthy D/S dynamic and an abusive relationship is one I’ve mentioned more than once in this chapter: control. For the sake of clarity, it is critical to mention that while the motivation to control is a common factor, it is the matter of intent which sets them apart. This idea can easily be summed up in a single sentence: the dominant seeks to control the submissive to meet not only his needs, but also hers, and the abuser seeks to control the victim in order only to meet his needs, without ever considering hers.

  I would love to be able to say abuse doesn’t take place within our lifestyle, but the sad truth is that abuse sometimes rides under the banner of kink. You, as the submissive, have a responsibility to protect yourself, and the best way to do that is to be educated. You need to know what abuse is, and how to distinguish it from healthy kink. The more you know, the harder it will be for an abuser to hide his true intent from you. Also, it’s less likely that you’ll excuse abusive behaviors because he tells you they’re D/S-related, even if you haven’t consented to them. It’s vital you understand that just because someone says you aren’t being abused doesn’t make it true. You have instincts; trust them. If something doesn’t feel right to you, examine it within yourself. Determine why the particular issue at hand is ringing your internal alarm bells, and then talk about it with the dominant in question. It may be you’re simply having a normal reaction to something new, because people often balk at the unexpected or unfamiliar. If so, talk about it with your dominant and attempt to resolve the issue with communication. On the other hand, it could be something more sinister, and if you feel that this is the case, you should still attempt to talk about the problem with your dominant. If communication is simply not an option, then you should seriously evaluate your relationship to determine whether or not it can (or even should) be saved. If communication is not present within a relationship, it may very well be irreparable.