Forever Embers (Embers Series Book 3)

by L. S. Pullen

  I cover her hand with mine and link our fingers. “Well, his loss is my gain,” I say.

  And yet, she’s not mine, not really, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want her to be. I guess ignorance is bliss, or pathetic, depending on which way you look at it.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Charlotte

  Ethan’s hand rests on my stomach as he holds me tight against his chest. I never meant to fall asleep, and I sure as hell never meant to turn up here and have an emotional breakdown either. He let me talk and then held me all night.

  I’ve been awake for a while but I’m just not ready to face him yet. Like this, I’m safe in this protective bubble for a little longer.

  All the talk about Max with Vi and their parents, and then with Ethan, brought back memories of my time with Max so vividly.

  I never thought another person could evoke feelings from me as strong as he did. But laying here in Ethan’s arms, both of us still fully clothed from the night before, I know I was wrong.

  I owe him an apology. I came here last night, looking for an outlet, but it turned into something more. He soothed me, knew exactly what I needed without me even having to ask, and I realise he’s become so much more than someone I’m sleeping with. And so much more than a friend.

  “Are you okay?”

  My heart kicks up a beat, and I let out a nervous laugh.

  “Yeah, sorry, I didn’t mean to unload on you like that and then crash out,” I say, my voice croaky from sleep.

  He squeezes my hip. “No apology necessary. Do you want a cup of tea?” he asks.

  “Yeah, thank you.” This whole moment feels way too intimate, and my first reaction is to run. “I just need to use the bathroom.”

  He releases his hold on me, and without looking back, I lock myself in his bathroom and let out a sigh.

  My reflection is an absolute fright––dry mascara which is tear streaked down my face, and eyes puffy from all the crying. I empty my bladder and then scrub my face free of last night’s makeup. I sort my hair out, and then use my finger as a makeshift toothbrush.

  Squaring my shoulders, I inhale a deep breath before I pull the door open. His bed is freshly made, his curtains drawn, the window open. Finding my shoes, I slip them on and follow the smell of toast to the kitchen.

  “I thought you might be hungry,” he says as I enter.

  “Thanks, you didn’t have to do that. I’ll eat this and then get out of your way.”

  He smiles and walks over to me, searching my face. His thumb brushes lightly over my cheekbone.

  “You’re not in my way,” he says, leaning closer, his head dipping. Just as his lips are about to meet mine, the toaster pops, and I jump back with a nervous laugh.

  I watch him as he smothers the toast in butter and jam before cutting it into triangles and sliding it onto a plate.

  He points to the table.

  “Sit.”

  I comply and can’t ignore the way it makes my lower stomach flutter. He places the toast and tea in front of me, and I think he’s going to retrieve his, but instead, he kneels beside me and tilts my chin, his honey eyes roaming over my face. And then he leans in and kisses me. It’s slow and oh-so-sweet. Pulling back, he licks his lips. “Minty fresh,” he says.

  He taps the tip of my nose playfully, and my breath catches, the moment feeling intimate––my cheeks heating.

  He stands to his full height and grabs his tea and toast so he can join me at the table. The only sounds are of us crunching our toast.

  I wipe the crumbs from my fingers and then clear my throat.

  “I should make a move,” I say and get to my feet, collecting his empty plate and taking them over to the sink. The sound of his feet lets me know he’s followed me, and I feel him press against my back. He wraps his arms around my middle.

  “You’re welcome to stay.”

  I smile but shake my head. “I would, but I’m having lunch with Rachel,” I say, turning in his arms. “I’ll be at the fight tomorrow night though. Olly and Rachel invited me.”

  A ‘V’ forms between his eyebrows, and I reach up and smooth it away. “Are you worried about Henry?”

  “Emilio was the reason my career ended. But Henry’s ready. I don’t doubt that, but yeah, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t. Honestly, I wouldn’t put anything past him at this point. Especially since everything with Clara and him losing Jacob.” He shakes his head as if to clear his thoughts. “I don’t know. He’s doing this for me too, but there’s a lot riding on this and a lot that could go wrong.”

  I go up on my tiptoes, wishing I could help him as he helped me. “I’d be concerned if you weren’t worried, but from what you’ve said and how highly Olly talks about him, I’m sure he has this in the bag.”

  And then I kiss him. What was meant to be chaste turns hot and heavy pretty damn fast. I tug at his joggers until his erection springs free. Pulling out of the kiss, I drop to my knees.

  “Wha—”

  Licking my lips, I take him into my mouth and slowly move up and down before replacing my mouth with my hand and standing. His lips find mine for another intense kiss, and then I add my other hand. He stops kissing me to look between us as I work him with both hands. Slowly and rhythmically, I twist both hands in opposite directions as well as up and down.

  “Shit, that feels fucking amazing,” he says, his eyes finding mine.

  It’s intense as he keeps his gaze focused on me, and I gently and meticulously work him over. His lip’s part and his breathing becomes choppy, faster. I love knowing it’s me making him feel this good. Releasing one hand from his shaft, I bring it around to his balls, cupping them gently and moving them around in my hand.

  I can tell by how his muscles begin to tighten and his cock hardens even more that his orgasm is imminent. The way he alternates between looking down to watch what I’m doing and then back––his eyes piercing mine––is empowering. He squeezes his eyes shut, his fingers digging into my hips as he thrusts into my hand, throwing his head back and cursing as he comes in hot, thick spurts all over my hand, giving me so much satisfaction.

  “Fucking hell, Lottie, can I keep you?” he says, leaning forward, his forehead resting on mine.

  I let out a soft chuckle, and then he kisses the tip of my nose and time freezes for a moment. When he looks into my eyes, I see everything I want in a future with a partner, and fuck if it doesn’t scare the shit out of me.

  Leaning back, he grabs the kitchen roll and takes himself in his hand to clean himself up as I wash mine in the sink. I finish drying my hands and he wraps me in his arms.

  “Now that’s what I call an epic hand job,” he says.

  “Well, it’s the least I could do. And besides, I wanted to take care of you before I left.” I don’t add on that it’s also because he seems to always take care of me too.

  My phone chirps from my bag, which is still in the hallway from last night.

  “I really should get going,” I say, hooking my thumb over my shoulder.

  He smiles, and I swear it will be the death of me. And then he walks me to the door.

  “I see you tomorrow?” he asks.

  “Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

  Kissing me goodbye, I walk to my car and try my darndest not to look back. But I am weak when it comes to him, and suddenly, my heart and my brain aren’t playing the same game.

  He’s still standing on his doorstep, hands in his joggers, ankles crossed as he gives me a wave with a huge grin on his face, one which is matched with my own. Something has changed between us. I just wish I knew if I was ready for it.

  Rachel pulls into the space beside me in The Cock Inn car park just as I’m climbing out. I wait for her to gather her bag and join me before giving her a quick hug in greeting.

  I glance at her outfit, and as usual, she looks amazing without even trying––jeans, an oversized shirt, and knee-length boots. I have to give my brother credit where it’s due. The man has good taste.
>
  “You look nice,” I say, stepping back.

  “Thank you. I was commissioned on some pieces, so I might have splurged a little, but it was all in the sale, so I don’t feel bad. Oh, and I might have bought something for Olly too,” she says, her grin going from ear to ear.

  “What has you smiling like that?” I ask, holding the door open for her to follow me through.

  “Olly.” She sighs happily.

  I shake my head and laugh. “Okay, say no more.”

  She swats my shoulder as a waitress greets us.

  “Hi, we have a reservation under Lottie,” I say.

  The waitress checks the screen before her and then reaches for some menus before leading us to our table. We both thank her when she leaves us to look over our menus.

  “What are you having?” she asks as she continues to search the choices.

  “Posh fish finger sandwich,” I reply, already typing my order into the app on my phone. “Apple and blackberry crumble for dessert, and to drink, cranberry lemonade and lime.”

  I glance up and she’s staring, her mouth agape.

  “I have to say, I’m impressed with how decisive you are.”

  Smiling, I clear my throat. “Not really. I checked the menu before we got here. Even though I’ve come here a few times with Vi, I always like to know what my options are before I arrive.”

  She shakes her head. “Why the hell haven’t I ever done that? You’re a genius, girl. Tell me again why you’re single?”

  I feel my cheeks heat and suddenly feel a little guilty she doesn’t know about Ethan and me. Other than Violet, no one else knows. Rachel is Olly’s girlfriend, but we’ve also become fast friends.

  “That’s not quite true.”

  She holds her finger up, her eyes scanning the menu again.

  “Okay, I’ll have the crispy duck pizza and the same as you for dessert and for my drink.”

  I type it into my phone and she takes the menus, placing them in the space between us.

  “Okay, I am all ears, now spill.”

  I chew on my lip, pondering how much to divulge. She reaches out and touches the back of my hand.

  “Listen, if you don’t want to tell me, it’s cool. But you can trust me, I promise.”

  Swallowing my nerves, I find myself just blurting it out. “I’m sleeping with Ethan.”

  Her eyes go wide. “Ethan, as in Henry’s twin brother, Ethan?”

  I nod.

  “Wow, I did not expect that, like at all.”

  “The thing is, when I first slept with him, it was rebound sex, a one-night stand, and then we decided to do it again. And it carried on from there.”

  Her brows furrow. “Rebound?”

  I clear my throat. “Yeah, I’d already slept with him before I officially met him when Olly introduced us. To say it was a shock was an understatement.”

  “Okay, wow. I bet that was awkward. And so, you decided to keep it casual?”

  I shrug. “Yes, but neither of us are sleeping with anyone else, and lately, things have changed.”

  Her smile is soft. “Ah, and now you’ve caught feelings for him.”

  “Yeah, and I don’t know what to do about it.”

  She leans forward. “Why? Do you think it’s not reciprocated?”

  “No, I think it is, and that’s what terrifies me.”

  Reaching for my hand, she squeezes it. “Because of Max.”

  She knows all about him, my CKD, and my transplant. It’s when I told her and Olly about Max. It’s strange, my bond with Olly is just as strong as it was when we were little, but it has big chunks of my life he’s still not privy to. We talk a lot after Molly Mae has gone to bed, but there are still so many things to try and fill in the time gap.

  “Yeah, I had dinner with Vi and her parents last night.”

  She nods, so I continue. “Well, Vi stayed over at theirs and instead of me heading home as I had intended, I sent him a message and ended up at his place.”

  I play with the saltshaker as I continue. “And then, instead of hooking up as I’d intended, I unloaded and told him all about Max. I ended up a sobbing mess, and he spent the night holding me.”

  Rachel brings her hand to her chest and swoons. “He most definitely likes you, as in likes you.”

  “I don’t know. When we met, he was trying to get over someone. And what if he just felt pity for me?” I say, and the doubt creeps in. Am I seeing way too much into what happened between us last night?

  “I don’t think so,” she replies confidently. “I think you should talk to him.”

  “And say what?”

  “That you like him.”

  Easier said than done. How is it possible to feel so close to Ethan and yet the thought of admitting how I feel sends me mute? I’m afraid it will scare him off, that he’ll think I tried to trap him and lured him in with casual sex and then tried to back him into a wall with an ultimatum. If it ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it comes to mind.

  And what if I open my mouth and he’s just completely blindsided? Then this will all come to an abrupt end, and I’m not ready for that either. I don’t want to have to let him go.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Charlotte

  Forever is not a concept I believe in; as quickly as you can have something, it’s gone––taken away from you in the blink of an eye. I’m fully aware I’m emotionally stunted when it comes to relationships.

  Max was the first boy I ever loved, my first kiss, my first everything, and deep down, I dreamed he would be my forever, but dreams don’t always come true, least of all for me.

  He was one of the unlucky ones. I remember everything about the day so vividly.

  My mum was the one who told me she’d been baking carrot cake, and to this day, I still can’t eat it. The smell alone is enough to make me gag.

  I didn’t want to believe it. We had so many plans for that summer.

  If it weren’t for Violet, I probably wouldn’t have been able to pull myself together enough to go to the funeral. But she’s my best friend, and the three of us did so much together. I’d seen him on my ward, getting dialysis, but neither of us spoke, not for a month. Well, not until the day Violet came with him. She was so loud. I remember her hair was a vibrant green—her Wicked phase. She even asked me if I liked girls or boys, and I was a little intimidated at first, but only because she was so outspoken and outgoing. She helps bring me balance. She’s my soul sister.

  Max was my first love; that much is true. He had all my firsts, no matter how awkward they were, and what we shared was special. I think the hardest part is not knowing if what we had would have lasted the test of time––a forever love, an epic love, maybe? Our love was a tragedy. He died, and I was left behind. I was no better than him and I still don’t understand how my transplant was successful and his wasn’t. It’s cruel how that works. It’s a false sense of security; after receiving the new kidney and healing from the surgery, you’re fine––you take the medication, and you just go about life. Until your body rejects the organ, deciding that’s it and your time is up.

  It wasn’t the kidney failure that killed him, but the sepsis. Becoming a paramedic, you learn a lot about terminal illness and how it’s never usually your diagnosis that kills you but a complication of trying to survive—a blood clot or pneumonia, but not the actual disease that has riddled your body.

  I don’t need a therapist to know certain past events are why I am the way I am. It’s why my relationships only last a few weeks and why I never really opened up to Shaun––and thank fuck I didn’t. He would have trampled all over me without even batting an eyelid. Hell, he already did. He had narcissistic tendencies, was self-centred and excessive about his own needs.

  With Ethan, I had no expectations; everything between us developed and grew so slowly. I didn’t see it until I was already in too deep. Whether my feelings are reciprocated is irrelevant, because now I’ve acknowledged mine, there is no ignoring them, not now.

/>   He evokes all these different emotions now which are vying for my attention, and I don’t even know how to process this properly.

  I take extra care applying my makeup. Tonight, I’m choosing to go for a smoky-eye, using warm brown and deep espresso eyeshadows. Once I apply my mascara, the violet-blue in my eyes pop, and I opt for a soft pink lip colour. I’m already going bold with the eyes, and maybe if I were alone with Ethan, I’d go for the bold red lippy I was wearing the night we met. Using my hair straighteners, I spend over half an hour curling my long locks.

  Vi was the one who demanded I buy a new dress, and a blue lace top bodycon was the winner. It zips up at the back and hugs me in all the right places. I want to look good for Ethan.

  I slip on my shoes and stare at myself in my full-length mirror, turning to the side. The black stilettos and simple black clutch finish the look perfectly. Grabbing my belted coat, I sling it over my arm and head downstairs.

  “Ethan is going to lose it. You look amazing,” Rachel says as I enter the kitchen.

  My eyes go wide as I look for Olly, but she waves it off. “He’s just taken Buster for a quick walk before we leave.”

  I bring my hand to my chest, my heart pounding.

  “You look gorgeous. Has Olly seen you yet?” I ask.

  She smiles and bites her lip. “Not yet. I need to keep him on his toes. I don’t want him getting bored.”

  I roll my eyes. “There is no way. He is crazy about you.”

  Her cheeks blush. “I’m crazy about him, too. Talking of crazy, I don’t know how Ethan is supposed to keep you and him under wraps when you look like that,” she says, her eyes roaming the length of me.

  “Is it too much?” I ask, suddenly very self-conscious. “Do I look like I’m trying too hard?”

  She raises her eyebrows. “No and no. You are a powerful woman, Lottie, own it.”

  “How are you so confident?” I ask, shaking my head.

  “I’m not, but no one else has to know that,” she says, pouring us each a small glass of wine. “Besides, we’re all a work in progress, right?”