Damnable Grace

by Tillie Cole

  I sat up, dropping my beer. “You okay?” I ran my eyes over her, making sure she wasn’t hurt.

  “Yes,” she said quietly, then approached where I sat. I fucking held my breath at the sight of her coming my way. Even tired and too-thin, this bitch was stunning. Her eyes were lowered as she hovered by the seat beside me, the one Vike had been sitting on. “May I?” She nodded her head in the direction of the chair.

  “Yeah,” I replied, and Phebe sat down. She tightened the blanket around her body. “You cold?” I asked. The night was pretty fucking warm.

  Phebe looked up at me, fucking stealing my damn breath. “I fluctuate between being far too hot and freezing cold. Right now I am struggling to remain warm.” She pointed at the fire. “I saw you out here and wondered if the fire would be of help.”

  The fire was burning pretty strong, and as I stared at her face, the orange flames reflecting on her face, I found it hard to fucking look away. Clearing my throat, I said, “I heard that’s a thing. Not being able to regulate your body temperature for a while. The effects of the detox.”

  Phebe gave me a watery smile. “I suspect so.” She leaned back against the seat, and her gaze became lost in the fire. I lit up a smoke and stared at the flames myself. It wasn’t long before I felt Phebe’s eyes on me. When I turned and caught her, her blue eyes were fucking studying me, like they were dissecting every part of my face.

  “What?” I asked.

  “You act differently with them.”

  I furrowed my brow. “Who?”

  “Your two friends. The ones who were out here with you tonight.”

  “You were watching us?” I asked. Her cheeks blazed with embarrassment.

  “I needed a drink of water and some fresh air. But when I saw them out here with you, I waited until they left. I . . . I am not ready to see anyone . . . anyone but you.” Her lips curled up at the corners as she said that shit, and Christ if my chest didn’t tighten some. That is, until she leaned my way, her face so fucking close to mine. “You laughed and you joked. You were silly and playful.” I went to laugh, telling her that’s who I really was, but the bitch wasn’t laughing. She wasn’t even smiling anymore. “You wear a mask, AK.” Her head tipped to the side as my heart slammed against my ribcage and didn’t let up. “You laughed and you joked, but your eyes . . .” Phebe reached out and ran her fingers around my eyes. “Your eyes remained haunted. Seeing something in the world that your mirth can not dissolve.”

  I froze, fucking stock-still. Phebe ducked her eyes, then sat back in her seat and stared at the fire. “I watched you, wondering why you portray yourself as two people. Then I believe I found the answer—because you wish to find happiness in the shoes you fill now.” She turned to me and fucking seared me with her blue eyes. “Not the shoes you once wore. The ones that caused you pain, blistering both your feet and heart . . . for good.”

  “Yeah?” I answered, my traitorous voice fucking cut open by her accuracy. “How do you know?”

  “Because only someone who has walked in similar shoes, who has walked that familiar path, can see it.” Phebe bent up her knees and ran her hands over her feet. They were still cut and marked from the ghost town. “These scars will fade, yet they will never leave. Just like you, AK. The playful attitude you find in the company of your friends will endure, but your eyes will forever bare your soul to one who truly recognizes it.”

  “What do you recognize in my eyes?” I asked, my fucking blood draining from my face. My damn palms started sweating, and my fingers shook, the ash from my smoke falling onto my jeans.

  “Someone searching for grace.” Phebe laughed a laugh that held not one bit of humor. “Strangers to our kind of pain, people who have yet to be thrown onto the same rocky road, will not recognize you as a fellow traveler, desperately seeking what lies at the end of the path.” She took a deep breath. “Forgiveness. But those of us who have already been walking the road for miles will see you. We will see within you a kindred spirit.”

  She didn’t push me. She didn’t ask what I might be hiding. No, she just ripped open my fucking chest, bared my soul, then left it out on display for her ocean-blue eyes to see.

  Phebe’s arms came out of the blanket and she held out her palms toward the fire. I saw her eyes go to her arms, then she huffed out a single laugh. “My freckles. My millions of freckles stand out against my pale skin like neon lights in this fire’s glow.” She shrugged. “I always disliked them.” She placed her hand on her face. “Especially the ones on my face. I felt they muddied my looks. Made me stand out from the crowd.”

  They fucking did. She stood out a fucking mile. But not in a bad way. After having her in my cabin for a week, I was pretty sure she was the most stunning bitch I ever saw.

  I looked up at the night sky, then back to Phebe. “Look up.” Phebe snapped her eyes to me. “Look up at the sky,” I said again. She did. I watched as a fucking huge smile came onto her lips.

  “There are so many stars,” she whispered.

  “Imagine the sky without them.”

  Phebe looked at me in confusion. “Why would I do that? They make the sky so pretty. They are the reason people stargaze. To see their beauty.”

  “Think of your face like the sky. The freckles, the stars, only make the sight more worth looking at.”

  Phebe’s eyes widened, so much so that her lashes practically pressed against her eyebrows. She blinked, she fucking silently blinked, making me feel like a fucking moron. Then her eyes shimmered. “Thank you,” she whispered, like she’d never received a compliment in her life.

  But it was true. I couldn’t imagine that fucking beautiful face without her freckles any more than I could imagine the night sky without the stars.

  “AK?” she asked minutes later.

  “Mm?”

  “I am to leave you tomorrow?”

  My stomach flipped. Fucking rolled at the thought of her gone and not in my bed. “Yeah. You need to see your sister again. Didn’t wanna bring her here when you were like you were. Now you’re better, it’s time she knew you were safe.”

  Phebe swallowed, then forced a smile. “At least you will sleep once again. I have noticed that you have not gotten more than a couple of hours a night all week. Your bed, empty of me, will return peaceful slumber to you once again.”

  “I don’t sleep much anyway, Red,” I said and felt the truth of that fact down to my bones.

  “Another way you are like me,” she said. “Needing to sleep, but frightfully terrified at what awaits you in the darkness.”

  “Something like that.”

  “Yes,” was all she said, ending the conversation.

  “It is beautiful here,” she said, gesturing around the yard. “So peaceful. Enclosed in a cluster of trees protecting you and keeping you safe.” She stilled then looked down at her hand. She held it out and looked at me. “I remember something,” she said, voice shaking. “You and me in a forest. You telling me to hold on.” Phebe moved her hand toward mine on the arm of my chair. “You covered my hand like this.” She laid her hand on mine. “Yes,” she said softly. “Just like this. You told me you had come for me. But I had to just hold on a while longer.” Her eyes flickered to meet mine. “I asked you stay with me, to hold my hand.” Phebe threaded her fingers through mine and my heart fucking stopped, as if I were a damn pussy kid. “You linked them so solidly, so firmly, that it got me through the pain.” A deep breath. “You got me through the pain as we sat on the soft, gentle grass.”

  Phebe inhaled, eyes closed. Opening her eyes, she said, “Leather. As my head lay upon your shoulder I smelled the leather of your clothing. I felt your honor, your steadying presence.”

  “None of that happened,” I said, not wanting her to break her fucking hands away. I stared at her hand in mine, and I swore I’d never felt anything like it in my sorry life.

  “An angel in my dreams, perhaps,” I looked at her face. “Yes,” she said, her face elated, as if she’d just made sense of so
mething. “An angel disguised as a devil. The devil’s man with angel eyes. Kind eyes . . .”

  Kind eyes. Those fucking words again.

  “This ain’t making sense, Red,” I rasped.

  “To me it does,” she replied, still watching our hands.

  “You remembering more?”

  I wished I’d never asked it, because as I did, her hand slid from mine and she wrapped both arms around her bent legs. “No.” She took a deep breath. “Nothing is there. Just a black void. There are glimpses, but like you in the forest, I am unaware if these memories are fact or purely a figment of my imagination.” She wiped her eyes. “Time and memory has been stolen from me. Even though I know the memories will be hard to endure, I wish they were not hidden from sight. It is better to know, is it not? Even if the truth can cause more harm than good.” Phebe’s lips thinned. “Lies are the work of the devil. Lies. All I have ever known were lies.”

  “You might get them back, in time,” I said, and Phebe yawned. She smiled in response, but I could see she was done with talking. Wrapping the blanket tighter around her, she got to her feet and turned toward the door. But before she left, she stopped in front of me. Taking my hand in hers, she said, “I am thankful for what you have done for me.” I nodded, not knowing how to take the damn compliment. Phebe leaned down and kissed the top of my head. “I shall forever look at both my freckles and the stars with a new appreciation. Thank you.” She went back into the cabin.

  When the door shut, I let out a long breath. And as I sat there, thinking about everything she said, I felt ripped open. No one. Not a fucking single person had ever read me like that. Like a fucking book. Fucking Red with her big blue eyes and a million freckles. I tipped my head back and looked at the stars. I knew I’d never see them the same again either. And I was glad, because tomorrow she’d go, and all I’d have left of her would be the stars.

  The stars and the scars on my feet. The scars that were hidden, gained on my journey to grace. But at least there was comfort in knowing she had them too.

  For the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel so fucking alone. All because of Red.

  Red and her fucking face of freckles.

  Chapter Nine

  Flame

  “Flame?”

  I ran my blade along my arm as I sat on the floor. My head. My fucking head was full of those bitches. Those drugs. Those asshole Klan pricks fucking them. Making them scream. Hurting my fucking ears. Making me need to kill. To spill blood.

  “Flame?” Maddie’s voice cut through my thoughts, and I looked up. She stood above me. I could see in her eyes she was disappointed. I knew what that looked like now. I knew what all her looks meant. I understood her more now. Things were better.

  They had been better . . .

  Maddie kneeled down opposite me. I felt my heart beat faster. It always happened when she came near me. When I looked at her long black hair and green eyes. My body didn’t try and run away or fight her off. It wanted her.

  I wanted her.

  “Baby,” she whispered and put her hand on my arm. There were marks from the knife, but the blade was blunt now. It was so I couldn’t hurt myself. I didn’t need to when I was with Maddie. But I had new wounds now. New wounds from that fucking Klan hell.

  They’d made me cut myself. They had made Maddie upset that I had. It made me want to go back and kill more of them. Slowly, hearing them scream instead of the bitches they had trapped. Bitches like . . .

  “Flame?” Maddie took my knife from my hand. She pushed it to the side of the room. I stared at her. She was wearing a long black dress and a cut with my name on my back.

  “You’re pretty,” I said, and Maddie stilled. Her head tipped to the side and she smiled. I loved it when she smiled. But this smile was different. It wasn’t as full or as wide as it normally was. It wasn’t my Maddie’s smile.

  “Thank you,” she said and reached out her hand. She ran her fingers down my cheek. “I want to lie down, Flame. Will you join me?”

  I nodded, watching as Maddie got to her feet. She held out her hand. I took it and got to my feet. She led me from the living room and through to our bedroom. I liked our bedroom. It smelled of Maddie. It smelled of Maddie when she was with me.

  Maddie climbed onto the bed, and I climbed on beside her. We laid our heads on the pillow, and she took hold of my hand. I looked at our hands. They always made me feel better.

  “Flame?” Maddie said, and I looked up at her face. “Look at me.” I made my eyes look into hers. “There.” She pushed my hair back from my face. But my eyes dropped back to our hands when I felt her fingers run over my wedding ring. “I love you, Flame,” Maddie said. I closed my eyes, hearing those words again. “I love you more than anything in this world.”

  I opened my eyes, and when I could, looked at Maddie. “I . . . I love you too,” I said, and this time she smiled her Maddie smile. I relaxed and moved closer to her on the pillow.

  Maddie kissed my nose. “Why were you on the floor when I came in?” My eyebrows came down. “You were in the spot that used to house the hatch.”

  “I was?”

  Maddie nodded her head. She took my arm and ran her hand down the new scars. “Why are you fantasizing about cutting? Why did you cut yourself on your run?”

  I saw the bitches in my head. I saw the Klan men fucking them. Saw their faces. Saw the blood. The cum. The sweat. A fucking growl ripped from my mouth.

  “Shh,” Maddie whispered and put her hand on my forehead.

  “It could have been you.” I squeezed my eyes shut. But every time I shut my eyes, I saw her on one of the beds. I saw her in one of those dresses. With the IV that Cowboy told me about. I saw her eyes rolling in her head. And I saw those fucking men raping her, making her scream.

  “Flame. I am here. With you. Open your eyes.” I did as Maddie said, and I shook my head.

  “They could have been you. The cult bitches.”

  Maddie swallowed. I knew that meant she was nervous. “Is this about the place from which you rescued Phebe?”

  I looked down. “I am not supposed to tell you about club business.”

  “Flame. Something is hurting you. It is me, your Maddie. Whatever you tell me shall never be repeated. I understand the club asks you not to tell your wives about club business. But I will not see you destroyed over this. I will not spill any secrets. You have my word. You always have and you always will.”

  “They had them drugged and were fucking them,” I said. Maddie sucked in a breath.

  “Phebe?”

  “Yes. He beat her. Fucked her. Drugged her. All of them. So many fucking men that the bitches bled. Kids too. Men paying to fuck the drugged bitches.”

  Maddie’s eyes flicked from side to side, then tears filled her eyes. “Phebe was hurt this way? Lilah’s sister?”

  “Yes.” I sat up. “You’re crying. It made you cry. I don’t like it when you cry.”

  Maddie pulled me back down to the bed. She leaned over me and wiped her eyes. “It is sad what happened to Phebe, what happened to the other women. That is why I am crying.”

  “I saw you,” I said, and Maddie froze. Her green eyes met mine. “Every time I saw one, I saw you. If you hadn’t gotten out. If they had kept you there. It could have been you.”

  “That is what is worrying you,” she said and put her hands on my cheeks. “Since you have returned, you have been imagining me there.” She ran her fingers over my cuts. “You hurt yourself to cope with what you were seeing. In your head.”

  I swallowed. “I couldn’t see you like that. It’s all I’ve thought about. If you weren’t here with the Hangmen . . . if you weren’t here with me.”

  Maddie moved her head over mine and leaned down. She kissed my lips, and I kissed her back. When she lifted her head, she put her hand in mine. “I am here with you, Flame. I am here with you and will never ever leave you. I am Maddie, and you are Flame, and we are married. We will never be apart.”

  “N
ever,” I said and Maddie rested her head on my chest. I ran my fingers through her hair. It calmed me. Calmed my boiling blood. I felt Maddie’s fingers move over my chest as I stared up at the ceiling.

  Then I told her what else was wrong. “Something’s wrong with AK.”

  Maddie’s fingers stopped moving. “What do you mean?”

  “He’s like he was before. I don’t fucking like it. He’s lying. He’s acting okay when he’s not. I can see it. Vike can’t. But he’s like he was before. He wasn’t good before.”

  “Before?” Maddie asked.

  “Before. Years ago. He’s been better. But since Phebe, he’s been the same again.”

  Maddie lifted her head. Her forehead was creased. She was confused. I knew that. “What made him not so good before, Flame?”

  I thought back to those days. To all the fucking blood and pain and AK losing his shit. “Dev,” I said and I thought of him. Of Zane, of Tina, of that whole fucking time. Of AK not being AK anymore. “I need him,” I said. “I need AK normal. I can’t have him like he was before. I don’t like it. It . . .” I rubbed my chest. It was too tight and I couldn’t breathe so well. “It hurts my chest. AK sad makes my chest ache.”

  “It is because you love him,” she explained. She covered my hand on my chest with her own. “Your heart aches because you are worried for him. Your brother. The man that gave you a second chance at life.”

  I nodded. “He did.”

  “Have you spoken to him?”

  I shook my head. “No. But tonight he lied. Vike was joking and he joined in. But it was fake. It was all fucking fake. It made me mad. I walked off.”

  Maddie sighed then kissed my chest. I sucked in a breath at her touch. I fucking loved her touching me now. “You must talk to him, Flame. He is your best friend, the person closest to you. You must ask him if he is okay. He helped you when you were lost to the dark. This time, he may need you.”

  “I don’t know what to say to him,” I said. When I looked at my hands, they were shaking. I frowned. Maddie took my hand. “It makes you nervous. But that is okay. It is because you care. AK loves you. He will listen to you. He never wants to hurt you.”