Because I Said So

by Karin Kallmaker

  “It’s not a very good one for all the pain I know it caused you. And for what we lost. What might have been.”

  Where do we go from here? Kesa wondered. “Traveling down roads not taken—I don’t have time for that. What I do know is that what you almost did and nearly said doesn’t change what happened. You’re not making some grand gesture with a ring from Mordor and suddenly bygones are bygones. I cried for a month.”

  “I know. That was completely unjust of me, to punish you because I was afraid of the truth. That I’d fallen in love with a girl I’d just met. Because she was stunning and powerful and driven and wasn’t afraid to have dreams.”

  Shannon’s eyes shimmered with tears and they were just like a sad puppy dog’s—stop that, Kesa warned herself. “So you didn’t return my texts or calls not because I’d freaked you out, but because you were in love with me too?”

  “I know that’s messed up.” She forestalled Kesa’s agreement with a gesture. “I was trying to have Schrödinger’s relationship. Together because I never broke it off but not together because, well…”

  “Because you were a loser?”

  Shannon gave a mock philosophical nod. “We’ll go with that.”

  “So we run into each other again and you can’t say you’re sorry at least? And don’t give me any of that ‘love means never having to say you’re sorry’ nonsense.”

  Shannon held up a warning finger. “I did try. I was going to that second time at the coffee shop, but you were not happy to see me.”

  Annoyed, Kesa asked, “Can you blame me? It seemed like all you wanted to do was repeat the past. It was already too late.”

  “The past was a huge mistake. My mistake.”

  Kesa suddenly couldn’t breathe. Did Shannon mean the sex and the love? “What mistake?”

  Shannon reached across the table to grasp Kesa’s hands. “I didn’t grab onto you like this and hold on. I didn’t believe in the impossible thing right in front of my eyes.”

  Kesa was losing what hold she had left on her heart as the warmth of Shannon’s hands unraveled her. “I cried for a month and hated you for the rest of a year. What do you want from me, Shannon? You’re moving to Seattle and—”

  “I’m not going anywhere. Paz misunderstood.” Her voice soft and low, she said, “If there is any chance we can start over I will stay right here forever.”

  Chin quivering, Kesa said, “You don’t understand how many dreams I’ve had that got taken away. Loving you was one of them. I can’t let that go over a beer. Because of some nice words.”

  Shannon blinked rapidly. “I know I hurt you, hurt you a lot. I hurt myself but that doesn’t make it better. This will take time. That’s all I’m asking for right now. A chance.”

  “Every day I’m afraid some random thing will ruin everything I tried to build up.” She found a hint of a smile. “And now I realize I sound like your aunt.”

  “Oh, you really don’t. You didn’t let being afraid stop you from living. You took a chance on love. You’ve also taken chances on yourself.”

  Wasn’t it always a choice in a reboot whether to reference the past or ignore it completely? Kesa felt as if her life was holding its breath, waiting for her to choose.

  Shannon was saying, “It’s hard to trust the world to ever be fair. I believe that it can be, but we have to help. And when it mattered I didn’t help us. I’ve been letting life run me instead of the other way around.” She swallowed several times before adding, “If it really is too late, I understand.”

  “You have to hold on tight.” Kesa raised Shannon’s hands to her face. Well, nearly. Their elbows were in their plates.

  Shannon moved first, sliding out of her chair and pulling Kesa to her feet as well. They folded each other close and Kesa breathed in the deeply remembered scent of Shannon’s skin. “You touch me and the world fades away.”

  “Then the right thing to do is to never let go.”

  She laughed into Shannon’s shirt. “Next you’ll be saying that you’re just a girl, standing in front of a girl—”

  Shannon’s shoulders shook as she chuckled. “You had me at hello.”

  “Stop that.” The warmth of Shannon’s body was threatening to melt her on the spot. She wasn’t ready to laugh off the past—it was too real. “I can’t pretend it didn’t happen.”

  “I don’t expect you to.” Her arms tightened around Kesa for a moment. “Neither can I. If I don’t forget it, I won’t repeat it. At least I think that’s how it’s supposed to work.”

  So, Kesa thought, their reboot would have all the messy baggage, but at least they both owned it now.

  George Harrison’s “Something” wafted out of the sound system like it had four years ago and they swayed in each other’s arms.

  “I’m going to fall asleep on my feet,” Kesa admitted. “And the other half of my brain has a bullhorn out and is chanting ‘motel, motel, motel.’”

  Shannon brushed Kesa’s hair back and cupped her face. “I would really, really like to sleep with you. I mean sleep. Though I’ve fantasized plenty about other things, holding you close and just breathing is high on the list.”

  “Right now I can’t think of anything more perfect.” She gazed up into Shannon’s face. “We can take this slow, can’t we?”

  “We need time, so I think slow is the only way forward.”

  “Yes. That’s wise.” She tucked herself back into Shannon’s arms. Stress rolled off her shoulders in a tidal wave of release. This was home, though a part of her still didn’t want to trust the feeling. They would be wise. Take it slow. “Shannon?”

  “Mm-hmm?”

  “I really do want to sleep with you.”

  “I like this plan.”

  Sometimes, being cautious and wise was stupid. “And I really want you to put me to sleep.”

  Shannon stiffened against her and Kesa could suddenly hear the pounding of her heart.

  In a shaky voice, Shannon said, “It would be my pleasure.”

  Neither of them made a move to stop the slow swaying until the song ended. When Shannon let her go Kesa realized her knees were weak with fatigue and desire. “It’s not going to take long.”

  “I don’t care.” Shannon pulled her close for a breathless, warm kiss that left Kesa faint. “I do have one question. How are we going to tell the kids?”

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  “You guys are dating? But you just met!” Josie put her hands on her hips, milking the moment for all it was worth. “How can you be so irresponsible?”

  Paz wasn’t above gloating either, to Shannon’s dismay. He wagged his finger at them both. “Are you safe? I mean—kids. That would be bad.”

  “Love at first sight never lasts.”

  “It’ll be over as fast as it began—”

  Josie elbowed Paz. “And to think we set them up.”

  “Worked like a charm.” They shared a smug fist bump.

  “Enough,” Shannon said, one hand upraised. “Before you break your arms patting yourselves on the back, we’d met before.”

  Paz’s eyebrows shot up. “You didn’t act like you had.”

  “Oh.” Josie’s voice was thick with suggestive intent. “You had met before.”

  Kesa was staring at the floor. “I’m taking the Fifth.”

  Josie gave a little laugh. “We’ll talk about this later, missy.”

  Shannon didn’t know if it was better for them to think they’d had a no-strings one-night stand or to know the truth. She and Kesa hadn’t been able to agree on how much to share. Winging it wasn’t really working out either. “Meeting up again has made us realize that we have feelings, and yes, I get the irony.” Now to throw them a distraction. “We’ve come up with a plan.”

  “For the summer,” Kesa chimed in. “Then we’ll reevaluate. The apartment is easier for Paz’s commute to his internship. If I add Josie’s name to the lease it stays rent-controlled even if I’m not living there—as long as she is. Which is affordable
for you guys for now. But you have to pay the rent or we’ll lose the rent cap.”

  “And that would make you very, very unhappy, am I right?” Josie had taken a seat at the table, and everyone followed suit.

  “Oh, you are so right,” Kesa said.

  “I have ice cream,” Shannon announced. It seemed a good time for it.

  “Salted caramel gelato?”

  Josie swatted Paz. “You are so easy.”

  “We’re working things out, and I get ice cream. Tell me how this is bad?”

  Shannon paused in the act of getting down bowls. “Want some, Josie?”

  “Yes, of course. I’m not a fool,” and she laughed as Paz tickled her.

  The indulgent smile on Kesa’s face momentarily took Shannon’s breath away. Relaxed and full of hope, the curve of her lips was beguiling and oh-so-kissable. Kisses had been in short supply, though. Kesa was loaded with work and there was no end in sight.

  She scooped out gelato and enjoyed a playback of the motel they’d gone to after The Grog and Game. She didn’t remember a thing about the place except the bed. Kesa had fallen asleep very easily and Shannon had joined her. They’d overslept, though. Their shared shower had had its moments, but it hadn’t been entirely satisfying.

  Neither of them had liked the week apart that followed. An hour stolen for dinner together and hungry kisses in the car was simply not going to do. Other than hiding their chagrin, secrecy had no purpose. Kesa had been the one to suggest their proposal of musical house chairs.

  “And then I would move into the house with Shannon,” she was saying. “No foot in each place. Like we mean it to be forever.” Her gaze met Shannon’s. “Because we hope that it will be.”

  “Moving in so fast?” Josie’s tone grew even more teasing. “I’ve heard that about lesbians.”

  Kesa glowered at her. “Shut it.”

  “This is a great plan,” Paz said after he accepted the bowl of ice cream with thanks. “We could turn Kesa’s bedroom into a study room.”

  “So one of us could game without disturbing the other.” Josie gave an excited wiggle.

  “I wouldn’t want you in another room all the time, cariña Jo-Jo.”

  “Well, that didn’t take much persuading,” Shannon whispered to Kesa as the conversation got predictably and still adorably goopy.

  Kesa offered her a spoonful of gelato from her own bowl. “A token of my affection.”

  “You must really love me.” She slowly and deliberately licked the ice cream off Kesa’s spoon and was rewarded by a flare of desire in Kesa’s eyes. “I suppose now you want some of mine?”

  A low half-growl of agreement sent tingles down Shannon’s spine.

  “And we’ll get married in the fall,” Josie exclaimed.

  Kesa’s head came up. “Say what what, huh?”

  “Married. We still want to get married.”

  “No,” Kesa said before she could stop herself.

  Josie went rigid with ire. “Why?”

  “Because I said so.”

  Josie was so outraged she was momentarily silenced.

  Paz, however, sucked in a surprised breath and belly laughed. “You are hilarious.”

  Kesa sighed. “At least someone gets my sense of humor.”

  “I didn’t know you had one,” Josie muttered.

  They stuck their tongues out at each other because some things would never change.

  They discussed the logistics of moving and picked the following Saturday. “I still have to pass scrutiny of the Mahjong gang,” Shannon said. “It could not go my way.”

  “This is true.” Kesa nodded sagely. “They’re a tough bunch.”

  Shannon collected the empty bowls and put them in the sink. After she’d rinsed her hands, she returned to the table with her wallet. “And now I’m going to give you twenty bucks to go the movies.”

  Josie threw back her head and howled while Paz, ever the bargainer, said, “Twenty bucks won’t get us both into a movie. It’s prime time right now.”

  “Then it’s twenty bucks to leave, and you can do whatever you want with it.”

  “Fine. C’mon, cariña Jo-Jo, let’s go to your place. I mean,” he corrected with a huge smile. “I mean our place.”

  “That was a subtle bribe,” Kesa said as the door closed behind them. She had moved to look out the kitchen window into the side yard. “I like the house. I mean, I can probably live anywhere with you, but this is full of sunshine. And it’s not too big.”

  “Bungalow-sized, the realtor said. Would you like to sit outside for a while? The backyard is small, but the neighbor’s jacaranda gives afternoon shade.”

  “Maybe later.” She gave Shannon a smoldering look through her lashes. “Show me the rest of the house first.”

  The trembling in the pit of her stomach was not helped by lizard brain shouting in her ear, “Start with the bedroom!”

  “This is the pantry,” she said, opening the door. “And over here is the door to the garage. Here is the coffeemaker.”

  “Idiot,” Kesa said fondly, slipping her hand into Shannon’s.

  “Eejit,” Shannon corrected. “It’s pretty much the only Irish I know.”

  “Would you like sometime to go to Ireland?”

  “Who doesn’t? Do you want to go to the Philippines?”

  “Someday, yes. I don’t know if there are Sapiros there who’d be happy to see me, but I have catching up to do. If I had enough money and she were well enough, I’d take Auntie Ivy.”

  “Oh,” Shannon said in a small voice.

  “And you, silly.”

  She beamed at her. “I was worried there for a moment. If we saved up and you make lots more dresses, it could all happen.”

  Kesa tugged on Shannon’s hand. “The rest of the house?”

  “Do you mean the bedroom?”

  Kesa began unbuttoning her blouse. “What gives you that idea?”

  “You’re ruining my fun,” Shannon said. “I like undressing you.”

  “Then what are you waiting for?”

  “An invitation.”

  Kesa stepped very close but didn’t touch her. “I want to be naked and in your arms.” Her blue eyes flashed with intent. “How’s that?”

  “Perfect.” The silk of Kesa’s blouse was warm against her fingers as she finished unbuttoning it. “I love your skin. More than I love gelato.”

  “I should hope so.” Kesa closed her eyes with a pleased moan as Shannon’s fingers traced along her ribs. “How do you do that to me so quickly?”

  “Trade secret,” Shannon murmured. A sharp pulse pounded in her ears at the thought of kissing her way along Kesa’s spine.

  “Then don’t tell me.” Kesa brushed a finger over Shannon’s lips, her eyes cloudy with desire. “I believe it’s magic.”

  “It is. Because of you.”

  Shannon felt Kesa’s laughter through her fingertips. “We’re as besotted as Josie and Paz.”

  She slid her arms all the way around and lifted Kesa off her feet with a whoop. “It’s impossible, isn’t it?”

  “Impossible,” Kesa echoed and then her lips were on Shannon’s, firm and warm as she wrapped her legs around Shannon’s hips. “Bedroom. Now.”

  The edge of command thrilled her. They were on the bed, though Shannon didn’t know how. Kisses blended with laughter as their arms tangled trying to twist out of their clothes. Kesa had a head start and her bare breasts against Shannon’s stomach sent a molten wave of pleasure bone deep.

  She arched against the lean muscle of Kesa’s thigh and felt Kesa’s hand already there. Urgency took over and she opened her legs with a breathless hiss of yes.

  Kesa went inside her with a long groan of need. “I can feel how much you want this.”

  She tried to say yes again, but there were no words in her for a long while after that. Kesa’s fingers were strong and sensitive, and for a while Shannon tried to push back, but she was dissolving into the heat of Kesa’s touch. When Kesa’s tong
ue glided alongside her fingers and found every soft place that yearned for her, Shannon let go of her tears while one hand wound in Kesa’s hair. She was flying so high, jumping out of a plane, and there was no parachute, only trust that Kesa would not let her fall.

  Not falling, rising. Rising to her touch, again. Again. Hold on tight, she thought. Hold on. She felt Kesa shift positions and then the scent and taste of her was shared in a brief, almost bruising kiss.

  Kesa’s other hand was behind her neck now as they strained against each other. The sapphire eyes were looking all the way into Shannon’s heart, reading every reaction, knowing every thought. Kesa’s fingers went deeper, gently, then harder.

  Finally she found the words she’d held back and they burst out in a gasp as she reached the edge of abandon. “I love you,” ragged, desperate.

  “Darling,” she thought Kesa said, “I love you too.”

  She came back to herself when she finally caught her breath. Kesa was snuggled against her side, head resting on Shannon’s shoulder. “You haven’t left me any strength.”

  “I’m sure you’ll get some back.” She scooted up onto one elbow to look into Shannon’s eyes. “Thank you.”

  “It’s the other way around, isn’t it?”

  “You make me feel strong.” A fingertip lazily caressed one of Shannon’s nipples and she smiled wickedly when Shannon gasped. “And powerful.”

  Two could play that game. She slid her knee between Kesa’s leg and flipped her onto her back. “Maybe a little weak as well?”

  “More than a little.” That look was there again in Kesa’s eyes as she gazed up at Shannon, as if Shannon was the future. “You make surrender so easy. I meant what I said about wanting this to be forever. Does that scare you?”

  “No,” Shannon said honestly. “If it’s impossible or crazy, then let’s be that together.”

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  “I wanted you all to meet her, and I wanted her to know where I go every Wednesday.” Kesa made shy introductions. “This is Marisol. And Cami. And Auntie Ivy.”

  Shannon shook hands all around and cocked her head at Cami for a minute, with a look Kesa was learning meant she’d connected two-and-two. She’d have to ask later.