Sidney has been living at Stillwater for a month. It seems as if he must have lived there always.
He came to our place the next day after I met him in the woods. Everybody made a fuss over him, but he shook them off with an ease I envied and whisked me out to see Don’s leg. He has fixed it up so that it is as good as new now, and the dogs like him almost better than they like me.
We have had splendid times since then. We are just the jolliest chums and we tramp about everywhere together and go skating and snowshoeing and riding. We read a lot of books together too, and Sidney always explains everything I don’t understand. I’m not a bit shy and I can always find plenty to say to him. He isn’t at all like any other man I know.
Everybody likes him, but the women seem to be a little afraid of him. They say he is so terribly cynical and satirical. He goes into society a good bit, although he says it bores him. He says he only goes because it would bore him worse to stay home alone.
There’s only one thing about Sidney that I hardly like. I think he rather overdoes it in the matter of treating me as if I were a little girl. Of course, I don’t want him to look upon me as grown up. But there is a medium in all things, and he really needn’t talk as if he thought I was a child of ten and had no earthly interest in anything but sports and dogs. These are the best things ... I suppose ... but I understand lots of other things too, only I can’t convince Sidney that I do. I know he is laughing at me when I try to show him I’m not so childish as he thinks me. He’s indulgent and whimsical, just as he would be with a little girl who was making believe to be grown up. Perhaps next winter, when I put on long dresses and come out, he’ll stop regarding me as a child. But next winter is so horribly far off.
The day we were fussing with Don’s leg I told Sidney that Mother said I’d have to be grown up next winter and how I hated it, and I made him promise that when the time came he would use all his influence to beg me off for another year. He said he would, because it was a shame to worry children about society. But somehow I’ve concluded not to bother making a fuss. I have to come out some time, and I might as well take the plunge and get it over.
Mrs. Burnett was here this evening fixing up some arrangements for a charity bazaar she and Jen are interested in, and she talked most of the time about Sidney ... for Jen’s benefit, I suppose, although Jen and Sid don’t get on at all. They fight every time they meet, so I don’t see why Mrs. Burnett should think things.
“I wonder what he’ll do when Mrs. Rennie comes to the Glasgows’ next month,” said Mrs. Burnett.
“Why should he do anything?” asked Jen.
“Oh, well, you know there was something between them ... an understanding if not an engagement ... before she married Rennie. They met abroad ... my sister told me all about it ... and Mr. Elliot was quite infatuated with her. She was a very handsome and fascinating girl. Then she threw him over and married old Jacob Rennie ... for his millions, of course, for he certainly had nothing else to recommend him. Amy says Mr. Elliot was never the same man again. But Jacob died obligingly two years ago and Mrs. Rennie is free now; so I dare say they’ll make it up. No doubt that is why she is coming to Riverton. Well, it would be a very suitable match.”
I’m so glad I never liked Mrs. Burnett.
I wonder if it is true that Sidney did care for that horrid woman ... of course she is horrid! Didn’t she marry an old man for his money?... and cares for her still. It is no business of mine, of course, and it doesn’t matter to me at all. But I rather hope he doesn’t ... because it would spoil everything if he got married. He wouldn’t have time to be chums with me then.
I don’t know why I feel so dull tonight. Writing in this diary doesn’t seem to have helped me as much as I thought it would, either. I dare say it’s the weather. It must be the weather. It is a wet, windy night and the rain is thudding against the window. I hate rainy nights.
I wonder if Mrs. Rennie is really as handsome as Mrs. Burnett says. I wonder how old she is. I wonder if she ever cared for Sidney ... no, she didn’t. No woman who cared for Sidney could ever have thrown him over for an old moneybag. I wonder if I shall like her. No, I won’t. I’m sure I shan’t like her.
My head is aching and I’m going to bed.
March Tenth.
Mrs. Rennie was here to dinner tonight. My head was aching again, and Mother said I needn’t go down to dinner if I’d rather not; but a dozen headaches could not have kept me back, or a dozen men either, even supposing I’d have to talk to them all. I wanted to see Mrs. Rennie. Nothing has been talked of in Riverton for the last fortnight but Mrs. Rennie. I’ve heard of her beauty and charm and costumes until I’m sick of the subject. Today I spoke to Sidney about her. Before I thought I said right out, “Mrs. Rennie is to dine with us tonight.”
“Yes?” he said in a quiet voice.
“I’m dying to see her,” I went on recklessly. “I’ve heard so much about her. They say she’s so beautiful and fascinating. Is she? You ought to know.”
Sidney swung the sled around and put it in position for another coast.
“Yes, I know her,” he admitted tranquilly. “She is a very handsome woman, and I suppose most people would consider her fascinating. Come, Nic, get on the sled. We have just time for one more coast, and then you must go in.”
“You were once a good friend ... a very good friend ... of Mrs. Rennie’s, weren’t you, Sid?” I said.
A little mocking gleam crept into his eyes, and I instantly realized that he was looking upon me as a rather impertinent child.
“You’ve been listening to gossip, Nic,” he said. “It’s a bad habit, child. Don’t let it grow on you. Come.”
I went, feeling crushed and furious and ashamed.
I knew her at once when I went down to the drawing-room. There were three other strange women there, but I knew she was the only one who could be Mrs. Rennie. I felt such a horrible queer sinking feeling at my heart when I saw her. Oh, she was beautiful ... I had never seen anyone so beautiful. And Sidney was standing beside her, talking to her, with a smile on his face, but none in his eyes ... I noticed that at a glance.
She was so tall and slender and willowy. Her dress was wonderful, and her bare throat and shoulders were like pearls. Her hair was pale, pale gold, and her eyes long-lashed and sweet, and her mouth like a scarlet blossom against her creamy face. I thought of how I must look beside her ... an awkward little girl in a short skirt with my hair in a braid and too many hands and feet, and I would have given anything then to be tall and grown-up and graceful.
I watched her all the evening and the queer feeling in me somewhere grew worse and worse. I couldn’t eat anything. Sidney took Mrs. Rennie in; they sat opposite to me and talked all the time.
I was so glad when the dinner was over and everybody gone. The first thing I did when I escaped to my room was to go to the glass and look myself over just as critically and carefully as if I were somebody else. I saw a great rope of dark brown hair ... a brown skin with red cheeks ... a big red mouth ... a pair of grey eyes. That was all. And when I thought of that shimmering witch woman with her white skin and shining hair I wanted to put out the light and cry in the dark. Only I’ve never cried since I was a child and broke my last doll, and I’ve got so out of the habit that I don’t know how to go about it.
April Fifth.
Aunt Jemima would not think I was getting the good out of my diary. A whole month and not a word! But there was nothing to write, and I’ve felt too miserable to write if there had been. I don’t know what is the matter with me. I’m just cross and horrid to everyone, even to poor Sidney.
Mrs. Rennie has been queening it in Riverton society for the past month. People rave over her and I admire her horribly, although I don’t like her. Mrs. Burnett says that a match between her and Sidney Elliot is a foregone conclusion.
It’s plain to be seen that Mrs. Rennie loves Sidney. Even I can see that, and I don’t know much about such things. But it puzzles me to know how S
idney regards her. I have never thought he showed any sign of really caring for her. But then, he isn’t the kind that would.
“Nic, I wonder if you will ever grow up,” he said to me today, laughing, when he caught me racing over the lawn with the dogs.
“I’m grown up now,” I said crossly. “Why, I’m eighteen and a half and I’m two inches taller than any of the other girls.”
Sidney laughed, as if he were heartily amused at something.
“You’re a blessed baby,” he said, “and the dearest, truest, jolliest little chum ever a fellow had. I don’t know what I’d do without you, Nic. You keep me sane and wholesome. I’m a tenfold better man for knowing you, little girl.”
I was rather pleased. It was nice to think I was some good to Sidney.
“Are you going to the Trents’ dinner tonight?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said briefly.
“Mrs. Rennie will be there,” I said.
Sidney nodded.
“Do you think her so very handsome, Sidney?” I said. I had never mentioned Mrs. Rennie to him since the day we were coasting, and I didn’t mean to now. The question just asked itself.
“Yes, very; but not as handsome as you will be ten years from now, Nic,” said Sidney lightly.
“Do you think I’m handsome, Sidney?” I cried.
“You will be when you’re grown up,” he answered, looking at me critically.
“Will you be going to Mrs. Greaves’ reception after the dinner?” I asked.
“Yes, I suppose so,” said Sidney absently. I could see he wasn’t thinking of me at all. I wondered if he were thinking of Mrs. Rennie.
April Sixth.
Oh, something so wonderful has happened. I can hardly believe it. There are moments when I quake with the fear that it is all a dream. I wonder if I can really be the same Cornelia Marshall I was yesterday. No, I’m not the same ... and the difference is so blessed.
Oh, I’m so happy! My heart bubbles over with happiness and song. It’s so wonderful and lovely to be a woman and know it and know that other people know it.
You dear diary, you were made for this moment ... I shall write all about it in you and so fulfil your destiny. And then I shall put you away and never write anything more in you, because I shall not need you ... I shall have Sidney.
Last night I was all alone in the house ... and I was so lonely and miserable. I put my chin on my hands and I thought ... and thought ... and thought. I imagined Sidney at the Greaves’, talking to Mrs. Rennie with that velvety smile in his eyes. I could see her, graceful and white, in her trailing, clinging gown, with diamonds about her smooth neck and in her hair. I suddenly wondered what I would look like in evening dress with my hair up. I wondered if Sidney would like me in it.
All at once I got up and rushed to Sue’s room. I lighted the gas, rummaged, and went to work. I piled my hair on top of my head, pinned it there, and thrust a long silver dagger through it to hold a couple of pale white roses she had left on her table. Then I put on her last winter’s party dress. It was such a pretty pale yellow thing, with touches of black lace, and it didn’t matter about its being a little old-fashioned, since it fitted me like a glove. Finally I stepped back and looked at myself.
I saw a woman in that glass ... a tall, straight creature with crimson cheeks and glowing eyes ... and the thought in my mind was so insistent that it said itself aloud: “Oh, I wish Sidney could see me now!”
At that very moment the maid knocked at the door to tell me that Mr. Elliot was downstairs asking for me. I did not hesitate a second. With my heart beating wildly I trailed downstairs to Sidney.
He was standing by the fireplace when I went in, and looked very tired. When he heard me he turned his head and our eyes met.
All at once a terrible thing happened ... at least, I thought it a terrible thing then. I knew why I had wanted Sidney to realize that I was no longer a child. It was because I loved him! I knew it the moment I saw that strange, new expression leap into his eyes.
“Cornelia,” he said in a stunned sort of voice. “Why ... Nic ... why, little girl ... you’re a woman! How blind I’ve been! And now I’ve lost my little chum.”
“Oh, no, no,” I said wildly. I was so miserable and confused I didn’t know what I said. “Never, Sidney. I’d rather be a little girl and have you for a friend ... I’ll always be a little girl! It’s all this hateful dress. I’ll go and take it off ... I’ll....”
And then I just put my hands up to my burning face and the tears that would never come before came in a flood.
All at once I felt Sidney’s arms about me and felt my head drawn to his shoulder.
“Don’t cry, dearest,” I heard him say softly. “You can never be a little girl to me again ... my eyes are opened ... but I didn’t want you to be. I want you to be my big girl ... mine, all mine, forever.”
What happened after that isn’t to be written in a diary. I won’t even write down the things he said about how I looked, because it would seem so terribly vain, but I can’t help thinking of them, for I am so happy.
The Old Fellow’s Letter
Ruggles and I were down on the Old Fellow. It doesn’t matter why and, since in a story of this kind we must tell the truth no matter what happens — or else where is the use of writing a story at all? — I’ll have to confess that we had deserved all we got and that the Old Fellow did no more than his duty by us. Both Ruggles and I see that now, since we have had time to cool off, but at the moment we were in a fearful wax at the Old Fellow and were bound to hatch up something to get even with him.
Of course, the Old Fellow had another name, just as Ruggles has another name. He is principal of the Frampton Academy — the Old Fellow, not Ruggles — and his name is George Osborne. We have to call him Mr. Osborne to his face, but he is the Old Fellow everywhere else. He is quite old — thirty-six if he’s a day, and whatever possessed Sylvia Grant — but there, I’m getting ahead of my story.
Most of the Cads like the Old Fellow. Even Ruggles and I like him on the average. The girls are always a little provoked at him because he is so shy and absent-minded, but when it comes to the point, they like him too. I heard Emma White say once that he was “so handsome”; I nearly whooped. Ruggles was mad because he’s gone on Em. For the idea of calling a thin, pale, dark, dreamy-looking chap like the Old Fellow “handsome” was more than I could stand without guffawing. Em probably said it to provoke Ruggles; she couldn’t really have thought it. “Micky,” the English professor, now — if she had called him handsome there would have been some sense in it. He is splendid: big six-footer with magnificent muscles, red cheeks, and curly yellow hair. I can’t see how he can be contented to sit down and teach mushy English literature and poetry and that sort of thing. It would have been more in keeping with the Old Fellow. There was a rumour running at large in the Academy that the Old Fellow wrote poetry, but he ran the mathematics and didn’t make such a foozle of it as you might suppose, either.
Ruggles and I meant to get square with the Old Fellow, if it took all the term; at least, we said so. But if Providence hadn’t sent Sylvia Grant walking down the street past our boarding house that afternoon, we should probably have cooled off before we thought of any working plan of revenge.
Sylvia Grant did go down the street, however. Ruggles, hanging halfway out of the window as usual, saw her, and called me to go and look. Of course I went. Sylvia Grant was always worth looking at. There was no girl in Frampton who could hold a candle to her when it came to beauty. As for brains, that is another thing altogether. My private opinion is that Sylvia hadn’t any, or she would never have preferred — but there, I’m getting on too fast again. Ruggles should have written this story; he can concentrate better.
Sylvia was the Latin professor’s daughter; she wasn’t a Cad girl, of course. She was over twenty and had graduated from it two years ago, but she was in all the social things that went on in the Academy; and all the unmarried professors, except the Old Fellow, were
in love with her. Micky had it the worst, and we had all made up our minds that Sylvia would marry Micky. He was so handsome, we didn’t see how she could help it. I tell you, they made a dandy-looking couple when they were together.
Well, as I said before, I toddled to the window to have a look at the fair Sylvia. She was all togged out in some new fall duds, and I guess she’d come out to show them off. They were brownish, kind of, and she’d a spanking hat on with feathers and things in it. Her hair was shining under it, all purply-black, and she looked sweet enough to eat. Then she saw Ruggles and me and she waved her hand and laughed, and her big blackish-blue eyes sparkled; but she hadn’t been laughing before, or sparkling either.
I’d thought she looked kind of glum, and I wondered if she and Micky had had a falling out. I rather suspected it, for at the Senior Prom, three nights before, she had hardly looked at Micky, but had sat in a corner and talked to the Old Fellow. He didn’t do much talking; he was too shy, and he looked mighty uncomfortable. I thought it kind of mean of Sylvia to torment him so, when she knew he hated to have to talk to girls, but when I saw Micky scowling at the corner, I knew she was doing it to make him jealous. Girls won’t stick at anything when they want to provoke a chap; I know it to my cost, for Jennie Price — but that has nothing to do with this story.
Just across the square Sylvia met the Old Fellow and bowed. He lifted his hat and passed on, but after a few steps he turned and looked back; he caught Sylvia doing the same thing, so he wheeled and came on, looking mighty foolish. As he passed beneath our window Ruggles chuckled fiendishly.
“I’ve thought of something, Polly,” he said — my name is Paul. “Bet you it will make the Old Fellow squirm. Let’s write a letter to Sylvia Grant — a love letter — and sign the Old Fellow’s name to it. She’ll give him a fearful snubbing, and we’ll be revenged.”
“But who’ll write it?” I said doubtfully. “I can’t. You’ll have to, Ruggles. You’ve had more practice.”
The Complete Works of L M Montgomery Page 705