He pecked her cheek and hurried to his friends without as much as a backward glance to her. She watched as the group of young men quickly merged with the crowd and were soon out of sight. She shivered and wrapped the cream wool shawl around her shoulders. Finding a space, she sat on the stone steps to wait for Eunice to come and find her.
She stared sadly at the deep creases in the rose pink fabric of her dress. It was ruined. She could see the hem was stained with reminders of their intimacy. She shuddered, remembering Glenn’s careless attitude to her dress, hating herself more as she inspected the damage. He’d said he would buy her a new dress, but none would ever feel the same as this one had felt. She’d had such high expectations of this once beautiful dress. A tear dropped on the fabric, and she dashed a hand over her face. She knew the sooty Vaseline would smear, but she was way beyond caring what she looked like.
Her private parts were uncomfortable, and something didn’t feel quite right down there. She needed a toilet, but the public facilities were at the other end of the street, and she would have to walk through the crowd to get there. She waited a few more minutes but knew she couldn’t wait any longer. She had to go and check her underwear. She was sure her monthly had arrived early. She had that familiar feeling in her knickers and was grateful it had come after she’d made love with Glenn, and not before. That really would have been embarrassing.
She got up and hurried through the crowd to the public toilets. Ignoring the stares and the pointing fingers, she wove her way through the milling people. She was used to the animosity, and their whispered comments didn’t intimidate her. She lifted her chin and stared ahead as she walked near some girls she recognised from her school days.
She searched in her purse for a penny to drop in the box and then went into the stall. As she suspected, her new silky knickers were darkly stained, and she sighed with frustration. Her dress was already ruined, and now her expensive underwear was spoilt too. The stain would never come out. Silk couldn’t be boiled. She took her handkerchief from her small bag and pinned it to her underwear. The sanitary protection was a makeshift affair but would last until she got home. She used the toilet and left feeling disillusioned with her first evening out in town. How would she explain the state of her dress to her mother? She shuddered as she slowly walked back to the square.
Eunice was sitting with her brother on the steps when she got back, and Raymond sprang to his feet with a worried frown clouding his face when he saw Hazel.
“What happened to you?” Raymond asked. “You look like someone pulled you through a hedge backwards! Where’s Glenn? Why isn’t he with you? Has something happened to him?”
Hazel shook her head. “Stop!” She lifted her hand. “Please, Raymond. No more questions.”
“What is it, Hazel?” Eunice asked. “You’re scaring me. Something bad has happened to you, hasn’t it? I can tell from your face.”
Hazel nodded. She would have to tell Eunice something, or she’d never let it drop. She leant close to whisper, “My period came, and I don’t feel well. Would you take me home, please.” She felt hot tears filling her eyes, but didn’t want to cause a scene and she blinked them back. She couldn’t tell Eunice and Raymond what she’d done and hoped her friends would be satisfied with her feeble excuses.
Eunice glanced at Raymond. “Women’s problems, Ray. Nothing to worry about.”
“Are you sure that’s all it is?” Raymond asked, looking over his shoulder into the thinning crowd of youngsters. “If that Glenn Bradshaw has hurt you, I’ll—.”
“It’s not Glenn’s fault, Ray!” Hazel insisted, feeling shame burn her insides. “When I started to feel unwell, I told him to go have fun with his pals.”
“Well, any lad worth his salt would not have left you alone like this.” Raymond’s face was full of righteous anger.
Eunice leant close again to whisper, “That doesn’t explain what happened to your lovely dress!” Eunice took her arm, and they began to walk through the town hall square. “It looks like you slept in it or something. Look at all those creases, and the seam is ripped on the shoulder!”
“It’s ruined, I know.” Hazel sighed and whispered, “Glenn got a bit carried away, that’s all. My poor dress couldn’t take the strain of his enthusiastic caresses.”
“As long as that’s all he did!”
Hazel couldn’t bring herself to speak. Shame was burning a hole in her chest, and she wanted to retch but managed to hold it back.
When she moved in front of Eunice and Raymond to go through the gate to the footpath, her friends gasped. “Oh, Hazel!” Eunice exclaimed. “Your dress!”
Hazel whirled to face Eunice. “What is it?”
“Your monthly flow must have leaked. You have a big bloodstain on the back of the dress.”
Hazel felt her face burning as Raymond tried to avert his gaze. She twisted to try to see the damage, but she couldn’t see the stain.
“Here, give me your shawl.” Raymond grabbed the cream wrap from her shoulders and tied it around Hazel’s waist. “Don’t sit down or the shawl will be ruined too, but it should save your blushes until you get home.”
“Thanks, Ray.” Hazel felt a tear escape and trickle down her face. She was mortified that Raymond had seen her like this.
She cuddled close to Eunice and whispered, “I didn’t think this evening could get any worse, but now this dress is totally ruined.”
“You could try to soak it in cold water. That’s what my mam does with our knickers when they get stained. Doesn’t always work, but it will be worth a go, don’t you think?”
Hazel shrugged. It didn’t matter anyway. She wouldn’t want to wear the dress again. She’d put all her hopes and dreams in the stylish gown, but in the end, it meant nothing. Glenn wasn’t impressed by her appearance. He was only interested in what was inside the dress. Did he love her? He said he did, but anyone could say the words. Did he mean them? Did he care about her the way she’d thought he had? She wasn’t sure.
When they reached her street, Raymond touched her shoulder and whispered. “You’d better go straight up to bed when you get in, Hazel,” he warned. “You don’t want your mam and dad to see you looking like this. They’d have a dickey-fit!”
“Do I look that bad?” Hazel raised her teary eyes to look at her friends.
“You’ve looked better, Hazel. I hope you feel all right soon.” Raymond gave her a lopsided smile. “I’ll leave you girls to talk. I’m going across the road. My bed is calling. I’ve offered to help the vicar in the morning. He has a few Christenings, so he wants the church looking spick and span.” Raymond left them on Hazel’s doorstep.
Eunice shook her head and raised her brows. “If I didn’t know you better, Hazel Harris, I’d think you’d been a very bad girl.”
Hazel took a sharp intake of breath but didn’t respond to her friend’s veiled question.
“Are you sure Glenn is the one for you after this?” Eunice continued her probing. “He must have been rough with you to get your dress into such a state.”
“Leave it, Eunice. I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Well, I’m here when you do want to talk.” Eunice took Hazel’s hand. “I won’t judge you, love. We’re friends for life, remember? No matter what.”
“Thanks’ Eunice. You’re the best friend ever.”
Chapter 12 – Guilty Conscience
Hazel could smell the aroma of fried bacon when she woke. She slipped into her dressing gown and went downstairs. “That smells good,” she told her mother as she stepped into the kitchen. Her mouth watered. “Is there tea in the pot, Mam?”
“You know better than to ask. There’s always tea in the pot on Sunday mornings. Woe betides me if your dad doesn’t get a good supply of tea on his day off.”
Hazel went to pour a cup and sat at the table. “Can I do anything to help?”
“Not much left to do, love. Nearly ready. I’ll call our Norman in a minute.”
“Will yo
u be going to church this morning?” Hazel knew her mother liked to attend the morning service but didn’t always go.
Her mother turned to her. “Why do you ask?”
Hazel shrugged. “No reason. I thought I might come with you.” She’d been struggling with her conscience all night. She knew she’d committed a sin and it weighed heavily on her heart. She wanted to make amends, and the only thing she could think of was to go to church and pray for her soul.
“That would be nice, love. It’s ages since you came to church. I’m sure Reverend Smith will be pleased to see you.”
“Will I call Norman for you?”
“Aye, lass. I’ll be dishing up soon.”
She went to the foot of the stairs and called her brother. “Breakfast is ready, Norman.”
“Coming!” he shouted from the top of the stairs. “What time did you get home last night? Did you have a good time?” He clattered down, taking the steps two at a time.
Their father appeared at the parlour door looking stern. “What have I told you about tearing about like a greyhound, young man? Have some respect! It’s Sunday!” The older man lifted his hand and Hazel thought he might strike her younger brother, but should have known better. Her dad didn’t use his hands when a stern word would do the job better.
“Sorry, Dad.”
Norman ducked as he slipped past his father and the old man chuckled. “Little rascal!”
Hazel smiled softly. Her father liked to show a stern exterior, but the bluster and threats usually never came to anything more than a raised voice.
“Sorry, we didn’t wait up last night, love. Your mam was tired after being on her feet all day at your grandma’s. That old harridan runs her into the ground, you know.”
“Grandma isn’t that bad, Dad. She can’t do much for herself since the fall, can she? She’d be lost without Mam.” Hazel felt a twinge of guilt thinking about her grandmother. She should be helping her mother more, but she couldn’t because she worked five full days a week and helped her mam with the housework on Saturdays. Soon she would be adding another few hours of work to her schedule with the modelling job.
“Aye, well. We’d all be lost without your mam, wouldn’t we?” He grinned and patted her shoulder. “Let’s not keep her waiting, eh?”
Hazel ate her bacon and eggs without tasting them. Her parents kept up a constant stream of chatter, and she managed to field most of their questions about the terrible evening she’d had.
“I can’t understand what you all do when you get there. I mean what is there in the square to keep you amused for hours?” her mother asked. “How many young folks did you say were there?”
“Hundreds, Mam. We walked around and chatted mostly,” she lied. “I saw some girls I knew from school.” That wasn’t a lie. She had seen them, but she hadn’t spoken to the spiteful girls.
“Did your lovely dress create a stir?” Her dad was grinning as he pointed his knife at her. “Bet you made a few young lads’ hearts beat faster, eh?”
“I don’t know, Dad.” She blushed and shrugged. “I didn’t notice.”
“Those red cheeks tell me you noticed plenty!” He was still grinning good-naturedly. “As long as you stayed with Eunice and didn’t encourage any daft ideas, I don’t see why you can’t go again.”
“Thanks, Dad.” She tried to smile, but her cheeks felt stiff.
“You’ll have to make do with your good green shirtwaister next time,” her mother pointed out. “You can’t wear the same dress every week, can you? Shame, though. It’s a pretty dress. Perhaps you could wear it again in a few weeks’ time. When the memory of such a lovely thing has faded from folks’ minds, then you can take it out again.”
“I don’t think anyone would forget such a sight as our Hazel in that frock.” Her dad looked at her with pride, and his eyes sparkled when he winked at her. “A sight for sore eyes she is in it.”
Hazel’s insides cringed. Those were the exact words that Glenn had used when he’d seen her in the dress. The trouble was, she didn’t think he meant them in the same way her father did. To Glenn, the dress made her look like a streetwalker, and he treated as such. To her dad, she looked like an angel, and he believed she was as innocent as one. She knew she’d let her parents down and her shame felt like a heavy rock resting on her heart.
She’d stuffed the soiled dress and underwear at the back of her wardrobe. She would have to wait until all her family were out before trying to wash them. She still couldn’t understand why her monthly had come with no warning and seemed to have stopped just as abruptly. Perhaps it had something to do with what Glenn did to her. Perhaps his thing had made her bleed? Her insides knotted again as shame rolled through her.
“Well, we’ll see more of that when we go to the fashion show, won’t we?” Her mother was clearing the table and seemed cheerful. “I’m so proud of you, Hazel. Fancy our very own daughter is becoming a model!”
“I’m only doing a local show, Mam. It’s no big deal!”
“Not to you, maybe, but I’ve told all the neighbours about it, and it means a lot to folks around here to see you doing so well.”
Hazel couldn’t listen to her mother’s praise any longer. She changed her mind about going to the church. She couldn’t sit through the service without squirming with guilt. “I think I’ll go for a walk. You don’t mind, do you, Mam?”
Her mother looked surprised but shook her head slowly. “Why don’t you ask Eunice to go with you? You look a bit peaky this morning, love. Are you feeling all right?”
Hazel nodded and began to help clear the dishes. She knew she would have to tell her mother something. She would have to explain what happened to the dress eventually and decided that half a truth might be better than trying to hide everything. She waited until her brother and dad had left the kitchen and took a deep breath.
“My dress is ruined, Mam.”
“Oh, my love!” Her mother turned a worried frown on her. “Whatever happened?”
“My monthly came early, and I wasn’t prepared, and it stained the dress. I tried to get it off in the toilets in town to sponge the stain before it set, but I ripped the shoulder seam in my haste, and then it got full of creases. It’s ruined, Mam.”
“Oh, dear. No wonder you’re looking down in the mouth this morning. What a terrible shame!”
“I’ll try to fix it later, but I’ll give it a soak first.”
“Bring it down. I’ll see what I can do to help after church.”
Hazel felt a rush of panic. She couldn’t let her mother see the dress in the state it was in with all the wrinkles and stains. She might put two and two together and realise what had really happened. “I’ll see to it, Mam. Before I go for my walk.”
“Soak it in the enamel bucket. Don’t use the carbolic,” her mother warned. “Use the new soap flakes I got from the Co-op. They’ll be gentle on that fine material.”
“Thanks, Mam.” She continued clearing the table. “You go get ready for church. I’ll finish up in here.”
“You’re a good girl, Hazel. Don’t fret too much over that dress. You’ll soon get yourself another one now you’ll be earning more.”
Hazel nodded but didn’t say anything about not wanting another dress like that one. She’d put all her hopes into the beautiful dress, but they had been dashed, crushed, trodden on and downright disintegrated by Glenn’s insensitive attitude. He couldn’t truly love her. If he did, he wouldn’t have treated her so badly. If he loved her, he would have been gentle with her. He would have listened to her when she asked him to be careful with her dress. He would have walked her home instead of disappearing with his pals and leaving her to cry alone on the town hall steps.
Why did he leave her like that? Is that what lads did? Did they do what they wanted without a thought about who might get hurt? Was her father like that? Her mother had said as much when she talked about their past. Didn’t her mother say something about her dad not respecting her? Her grandfather had forbidde
n her mother to see him, and her dad had gone to have fun with some other young woman. He was getting some things out of his system, or so her mother had said.
Was that what Glenn was doing when he insisted on making love to her? Was he getting something out of his system? She’d thought he loved her. He certainly made her body come alive. She shivered, remembering how he’d made her feel. Was that love? Did she love the man, or did she love how he made her feel? She became confused. She didn’t know what she felt.
Her mother put her head around the kitchen door. She already had her headscarf on and was buttoning her coat. “We’re off, love. Are you sure you won’t come with us to the service?”
Hazel shook her head. “Say a prayer for me.”
“We will. And don’t fret about that dress. Worse things happen at sea, you know!”
Hazel smiled at her mother’s cliché. Perhaps worse things did happen at sea, but she couldn’t think of anything worse happening to her. Glenn had left her without a care to how she was feeling. Would he want to see her again? What if he didn’t come back to the café? What if last night was the last time she would see him? How would she feel about never seeing him again? She knew she would be very upset if Glenn decided he didn’t want her. Despite her misgivings, she thought she still loved him. She imagined his face and felt the familiar pull in her stomach. She knew she would be devastated if he didn’t want to see her again. A fat tear slid down her cheek and dropped into the dishwater.
She grabbed the tea cloth and wiped her face. It would do no good to cry over him. The damage was done, and she had to clean up the evidence. She hurried upstairs to fetch the dress and underwear.
Eunice came into the kitchen just as she’d finished rinsing everything in cold water.
Happiness for Hazel Page 11