Tight Knit

by Shaya Crabtree

  “I’ve been here a few times. We do a lot of coverage on high school athletes. Your dad must’ve been someone important back in the day.”

  Lara shrugged. “I don’t know. He doesn’t talk about it. I imagine the bullying is worse if your father is a murderer than if your grandfather is a murderer, so I doubt it. He probably got into track because he had to find some way to run away from his problems. Better than drinking.”

  “Surely he got more out of track than that.”

  “You know what my dad got out of track? Almost a college scholarship. He was being considered for a couple of schools, but they all went after that guy up there, and others like him who came in first. All my dad got out of running was a good foundation for healthy lifestyle practices and some muscle mass.”

  “Your school was proud enough of him to hang his name here for everyone to see. He’s held the record all these years. I bet the track team still looks up at that and wants to be like Hank Spellmeyer.”

  “Actually, they want to be like Gary Jones, because he’s the guy that came in first and was way better than my dad.”

  Paige rolled her eyes. “Still, even despite the prejudices against him, your dad was able to achieve something great and be the best that he could be at something that he loved. Just like you.”

  Lara gave that a moment to sink in. She had built a decent life for herself despite no one but her family believing in her. Her dad had managed the same. It wasn’t easy, though.

  “Why are you trying to teach me some moral lesson?” Lara asked. “Are you going to write an article about how my dad is a Hometown Heroes candidate too?”

  “Hey, maybe. It’d be a good article. It could be about how he raised a daughter so awesome that the sins of your ancestors have been forgiven and you’ve made the town realize that they were wrong for judging you guys in the first place.”

  That sounded like a good headline. Unfortunately, it didn’t sound like reality. “Yeah, I don’t think that that’s happened.”

  “I think it’s happened more than you think it has.”

  Maybe things were better for Lara. She had more friends now than she ever did in high school, and she could go to the grocery store and be greeted by more fans of her work than by dirty stares, but she couldn’t be responsible for all of that change, could she? Surely it was a matter of time. People were starting to forget about her grandfather. The wounds weren’t as fresh, and people had more important things to care about now.

  Paige snapped a photo of the banner and walked on, this time announcing no destination. Lara followed her, prepared to take a literal stroll down memory lane.

  They were walking through the old social studies wing when a sign caught Lara’s eyes. It was a simple sheet of paper taped to a door that was decorated with a rainbow of colored pencils and only three big, bubbled letters: GSA. Meeting times for the group were listed below it.

  Lara stopped and pointed it out to Paige. “There’s a gay-straight alliance now. We didn’t have one when I went here.”

  Paige assessed the sign as carefully as Lara and pulled out her notebook. “Was it hard being gay here?” she asked. She wasn’t using her professional interview voice. She was all genuine curiosity.

  “If I’m being honest, not particularly. It was kind of weird being basically the only gay person I knew—and I still don’t know a lot of other queer people from Perry—but no one was really hostile towards me. Not for being gay, anyway. It was worse to be a Spellmeyer than a lesbian.”

  “No one else ever came out when you were in high school? Not even after you did? I knew so many gay people when I came out in OKC.”

  More reason to love OKC as far as Lara was concerned.

  “Not really. Like I said, Perry’s so small that I don’t think there were many gay people to come out.”

  “Must’ve been rough. I’ve got to give you credit for going it alone.”

  “Credit for what?” Lara asked. “Being myself? Living my life?”

  “Yes. Some people never get that chance. It’s admirable you have the courage to.”

  Lara had heard that before from her grandmother. “That’s a pretty low bar.”

  “Unfortunately, you’re correct.”

  Maybe Lara was brave in some way. She was forgetting someone.

  “Actually, there was someone else, though I don’t think I realized it at the time. Kerry never came out during high school, but she said that she always admired me for having the courage to be out. I don’t think courage was the real issue, though. It’s more like I had accepting parents that allowed me to be myself without fear. She didn’t. But she got to live vicariously through me for a little while until she was able to safely come out herself.” She paused, thoughtful. “I guess that’s pretty cool.”

  “That is pretty cool.” Paige gave a weak smile, but it didn’t last long. She went quiet and spaced out, lost in her thoughts. It was a familiar kind of moment. Once upon a time, Lara took it as her responsibility to snap Paige out of her hyperfocused episodes. Now, she noted, Paige was composed enough after a moment to dig herself out of her hole.

  “Kerry’s the girl you’re seeing, right?” Paige asked.

  “I guess you could say that.”

  “You guys have known each other since high school. You can’t be that nonchalant about her. Plus, you looked pretty close at the parade.”

  Lara tensed up. “We’ve only been on a couple dates.” She didn’t know why she was downplaying it to Paige. The dates weren’t a big deal, but if Paige was as jealous as she’d seemed at the parade, then Lara was feeding her what she wanted to hear, and Lara didn’t know how she felt about playing into Paige’s hand.

  “When’s the next one?” Paige asked. She tried to chuckle through the question, but Lara could sense more anxiety in the words than humor.

  “I don’t know if there will be one,” Lara said. “It really isn’t a big thing. We’re not that serious.” Lara chewed a loose piece of skin off her thumb and worked up the courage to ask her own question. “Why do you want to know?”

  Paige’s throat bobbed as she swallowed. She opened her mouth to speak, but the only noise that followed was the bell. As students poured out of their classrooms, Lara hugged the lockers to step out of their way. When they were gone, so was the moment. Paige checked her watch, and Lara couldn’t help but think it was to avoid looking at her. “It’s been twenty minutes,” she said. “We should probably get back.”

  Lara nodded and led Paige back to the office.

  It was a long half hour of chatting with the receptionist while she waited for Paige to finish up her interview. When Paige stepped out of the principal’s office, a jolt of glee ran through her, but Lara chalked it up to being happy that they could finally leave.

  There was another long minute of silence as they signed out and headed back towards the parking lot.

  Paige cleared her throat before she spoke, but the words still came out shaky. “Do you want to come back to my place for a bit?”

  Lara’s body immediately tensed. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, Paige.”

  “Why?” Paige’s head jerked towards her.

  “You know why.”

  “I want to hear you say it.” Paige’s voice was low and serious.

  Lara sighed. The car was within reach, and Lara waited until she could lean against it and ground herself before starting this conversation. They were practically alone in the parking lot, but her voice was still a whisper. “We can’t do this, Paige.”

  “Can’t do what?”

  Did she want Lara to say it? Did she want Lara to define whatever it was that was happening between them? Did she expect Lara to have answers for that?

  “You know what I mean,” she said.

  “No, I don’t.” Paige tried to grab Lara’s hand, but she recoiled from the contact immediately. Paige got the message and backed off. “I know what I mean, but I’m not at all sure what you’re thinking.” She folded her ar
ms across her chest. “Look, we don’t have to define this. We don’t have to make it a thing. We can feel it out. We can do whatever feels right. But kissing you, it felt right. Don’t tell me you regret it. Don’t tell me you didn’t feel it too, because I know you did. You kissed me back.”

  “Paige…”

  “I didn’t plan for this to happen,” Paige said. “I didn’t plan to kiss you. I didn’t think before I acted. But seeing you with another woman… I couldn’t take it. Something snapped, and I had to go for it. It felt right, and in that moment, everything fell into place. I haven’t felt like that in so long, Lara.”

  Lara didn’t know how she felt. The weird thing about it, the thing she’d kept thinking about all night last night in bed, was that it was almost like the kiss had never happened. The few times Kerry had kissed her, it had been an event. Lara had been hyperaware of every detail in the moment. They were first kisses, with all the usual emotional fanfare that went with them. They were the start of a thousand what-ifs.

  But when Paige kissed her, it was another kiss added to hundreds of kisses. Familiar. Comfortable. It was something Lara had taken for granted on a daily basis for years. It was a routine that she could easily slip back into. It was home.

  “Please tell me you didn’t hate it,” Paige said. She stepped forward so Lara’s body was trapped between her and the car. It would be so easy for Paige to lean down and kiss her again. “I know you didn’t hate it. Please don’t say you did. Please be honest.”

  Paige’s tone hurt too much to look her in the eye, so Lara looked at their feet instead, only an inch or so apart on the asphalt. Paige’s feet had closed themselves back together.

  Lara spoke quietly. “I didn’t hate it, Paige.”

  Paige sighed in relief, and Lara could hear the way her smile shaped her exhale. “Then what’s the problem?” She reached out to Lara’s arms, which were crossed now, and gently tried to coax them apart. This time, Lara let Paige touch her. “If we both liked it, then what’s wrong?”

  Lara tried to keep her arms rigid, but Paige’s warmth melted into her skin. “We just can’t, Paige.”

  Paige’s voice quivered with her lip. “Because of Kerry?”

  “No, not because of Kerry.” Lara sighed. “I don’t think I can be that serious with her either.”

  Paige looked even more confused. “Why not? There’s not someone else, is there?”

  “No, nothing like that. I’m just… I’m not looking for anyone right now. I don’t think it’s a good idea to get attached to someone.”

  “Why aren’t you looking for anyone? Don’t you miss being in a relationship? Don’t you miss having someone to come home to?”

  “What do you even know about missing…” No, she wasn’t going there. It didn’t matter anymore. Paige wasn’t that person anymore. She had taken their relationship for granted once upon a time, but she’d already admitted that she regretted it, and Lara had already admitted that she regretted the way things had ended between them too. It would be nice to have someone to come home to, and Lara did want it someday, but right now she had bigger things to worry about.

  “I’m going back to Oklahoma City, Paige. I’m not staying in Perry.”

  Paige searched the ground for answers.

  “Did you forget?” Lara asked. Her tone was more accusing than she’d meant it to be. But maybe that was for the best. If she hadn’t let her guard down around Paige in the first place, none of this would have happened.

  “I didn’t forget,” Paige snapped. “I just didn’t think you would actually go back.”

  Now it was Lara’s turn to feel defensive. “Why wouldn’t I?”

  “I don’t know.” Paige sighed. “I guess I’m an idiot. I thought that maybe you’d want to stay this time. Things are good here for you now, aren’t they? You have Tight Knit. You have your friends. You have your grandma and your parents and the rest of your family. You have Kerry, I guess.” Paige’s voice was so quiet that Lara almost didn’t hear her add, “You have me.”

  Things were better. That was hard to deny at this point.

  “Look, I don’t know, okay?” Lara explained. “I’m not leaving right now, but I still want to leave. Even if I hate it here a little less than I used to, and even if I decide to come back someday, this is still far from my perfect life. I don’t want to feel like I’m stuck in Perry forever. Life was good in Oklahoma City. Not perfect, but good, and I want that again.”

  Paige said nothing. Did she have nothing to say, or did she have too much to say?

  “Can’t we try?” she finally asked. She took Lara’s hands in her own and stroked them with her thumbs. “At least until you leave. Whatever this is, I want to give it a shot, even if it ends up being temporary.”

  Paige was stubborn, but Lara didn’t think she’d be this stubborn. A rejection was a rejection. Even Paige should understand that. “Why are you doing this?” Her voice rose an octave. “What do you want out of this? Friends with benefits? A fling to remind yourself that you aren’t entirely out of the dating game? Seriously, are you going to fall in love with me again and move to Oklahoma City with me when I leave this time?”

  “I don’t know,” Paige said. She sounded miserable, but Lara could appreciate the honesty. “All I know is that kissing you made me the happiest I’ve been in a long while.”

  Paige’s eyes were gleaming. The dark brown of her irises brimmed with tears. It was hard for Lara to keep her resolve while looking at her. She looked to the asphalt again.

  “Paige, I can’t give you an answer right now. I don’t know what I want. Long-term or temporary.”

  One of her hands let go of Lara’s momentarily to brush back a tear. She huffed out a breath. “That’s okay,” she said, giving Lara’s knuckles a gentle squeeze. “I’ll give you time.”

  CHAPTER 18

  They may have been at April’s house, but Glenda was the main attraction. The matriarch of the group had taken a liking to April’s rocking chair, and she loomed over a hoard of followers. The group was made up of the same elderly ladies that always followed Glenda around, but a few of the younger gals had joined their crew. They sat around her in a circle, looking at Glenda like she was their chief, the leader of the most benign cult in the world.

  Glenda was clearly teaching something. She held out her work in example as the other women replicated what they were being shown.

  “Hey, Glenda!” Glenda looked up from her work. The rest of the group did, too. “How’s Betty’s welcome home party coming?”

  Excited chatter erupted around the group.

  “It’s almost finished,” Glenda said. With a smile, she set her work down on the armrest and stood from the chair. “We should do a bit of pre celebration. April, get the wine.”

  April clapped her hands together and stood up from where she was seated on the floor. “Should I get the white or the rosé?”

  “Why not both?

  “I like the way you think.”

  A few more cheers escaped from the circle, and that was Lara’s cue to leave. With a smile on her face, she set off for the back porch.

  April’s yard was beautiful. It was the kind of groomed that shouldn’t be possible when April was a working mother with young children. The float stood as a temporary centerpiece, outshining the size and grandeur of the swings and slide.

  “Were the old ladies too much for you?”

  This time Lara recognized the voice immediately. Kerry was starting to make a habit of sneaking up on her. Lara had to admit she was starting to mind it less and less.

  “Not too much. I’m just…” Lara took a deep breath. She stretched out her arms and let the wind grace past her fingertips in a gentle handshake, “enjoying the weather. Taking in the air. I heard on the radio it’s supposed to get colder soon.”

  Kerry leaned against the railing, nestling in beside Lara close enough for their sides to touch if Lara shifted the weight in her hips. Having Kerry so close made the space that much wa
rmer. It was comforting.

  “My grandmother is getting out of the nursing home soon,” Lara said. “She gets to come back home.”

  “That’s good news. Was she in there for a while?”

  “Too long. A couple months.”

  “Wow. I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “It’s alright. Her being in care was better than her being in the hospital. We’re throwing a welcome home party for her this Friday. A lot of the people here know her, and I was just talking to some of them about it.”

  “That’s awesome. I’d offer to be your date, but I don’t want to intrude.” Kerry scooted closer. Their sides bumped.

  “I have to be honest with you,” Lara said.

  “Oh no.”

  Kerry chuckled lightly, but Lara watched the way she pushed her bangs away from her forehead and covered her eyes.

  “It’s not awful, don’t worry.”

  “But not good either?”

  Lara cringed. “I just don’t know what I’m looking for right now. There’s a lot going on in my life, and I don’t know how much room there is for a relationship. Or if I even want a relationship. Or who I want a relationship with.” Lara took a deep breath.

  “Is there someone else?” Kerry asked.

  “There is someone.” Lara was admitting it to herself as much as she was admitting it to Kerry.

  “Your ex? Paige?”

  Lara nodded.

  “Is it serious?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve been telling her the same thing I told you. I don’t know what I want yet.”

  Kerry stepped away from the railing and settled into April’s porch swing. She sat on one side, leaving room enough for Lara to sit on the other, but Lara stayed rooted at the porch railing. Gently, the tips of Kerry’s toes rocked her back and forth.

  “If you have unresolved feelings for her, you should explore that.”

  Lara looked up, surprised. “Really? You’d be okay with that?”

  Kerry shrugged. “It’s not really about me. You have to do what you want to do.”

  Wise words. Still, Kerry had to be censoring herself. “How do you feel, though?” Lara asked. “I want to know. I don’t know if you’re looking for a commitment, but if you are, I don’t think I’m the person that can give it to you.”