by Vera Hollins
My skin prickled with sudden aversion. “You son of a bitch,” I hissed through my teeth.
He recoiled. “Hey, I—”
“Shut up.” To my horror, my voice was whiny. I hit the steering wheel. “Just shut up.”
I leaned my head against the headrest and closed my eyes, feeling extremely vulnerable. I hated that he could witness my greatest weakness and humiliation over and over.
“I didn’t ask it to hurt you.”
“Shut up.”
“I want to help you. And—”
“I said, shut up!” I raised my hands to push him, but he caught my wrists in a tight grip.
“Will you just stop being so goddamn difficult?!” He shook me, pain reflecting in his eyes. “I won’t hurt you!” My gaze flitted back and forth between his eyes, my breaths coming out in quick puffs until my anger dampened down. I sagged back in my seat, and he released my wrists.
We didn’t say anything for a long time. Minute upon minute passed by along with people on the sidewalk. I wished my pain would pass by too. I wished it weren’t a permanent resident of my heart.
“I’m sorry for what happened to you,” he said quietly.
My chest ached with a shame that coated me from the inside out. That was the thing about—about that. Rape. I couldn’t speak about it without shame. I couldn’t think about it without thinking of the what ifs or even if I’d played any part in it.
I shivered, disgusted all over. No, I wasn’t going to return to that setback again. I’d dealt with it already. I’d accepted it wasn’t my fault. It never had been. So, I wasn’t going down the self-doubt road again.
“Don’t be.”
“That’s why you’re never hooking up with guys. You’ve been burned, and now—”
“Don’t psychoanalyze me, Freud wannabe. You don’t have a clue who I am and why I do the things I do.”
“That’s why I’m asking you. I want to know.”
“I don’t want to tell you.”
He tightened his jaw. “Right. Just tell me one thing. What happened to him?”
I clenched my shaking hands. My gaze snagged on my bruised knuckles. I wanted to deny it, to say there was no one and he’d come to the wrong conclusion, but the truth poured out of me for reasons I couldn’t understand. “I reported him to the cops, and he got a new home. In prison. His lease is for ten years.”
“Good,” he said, his tone of finality touching something deep inside me.
“Good?” I snapped my eyes to him. “Why do you pretend to care? If this is all just a part of your act to get me to sleep with you, you’re failing miserably. You won’t ever get me to fuck you.”
He curled his lips inward, holding my gaze for a long, long time. “What if I told you it’s not all an act? What if I’m genuinely interested in you?”
Everything within me came to a halt, then abruptly restarted. My chest inflated with raw longing and a hope that was so fragile, it could be smashed forever with just one lie.
“Then I’d tell you I don’t go for man whores and bullies. I don’t like you.”
He continued watching me in an unnerving way, like he was trying to see all my deepest secrets, and I was afraid he could see them too easily. He could see he already had too much power over me and I couldn’t get him out of my head.
But then, his gaze gained a note of loneliness that pierced right through my heart, and he looked away. He started to chuckle, holding onto the side of his stomach.
I frowned at him. “Have you lost your mind? What’s that about?”
He shook his head, more chuckles pouring out. “I can’t believe it. The only time I really want some girl, I can’t get her because she doesn’t want me. Moreover, she’s my bully and nemesis. I’m so fucked up.”
My heartbeat thudded in my ears as I stared at him. The longing in his words blanketed me softly and increased my own. I was baffled that he wasn’t running away now that he knew my greatest weakness. He should be running away. He should lose interest. He should decide I held too much emotional baggage and wasn’t worth it. I didn’t understand.
“Anyway, thanks for the ride,” he said without looking at me and unbuckled his seat belt. “See ya.” He saluted me with a bittersweet smile and got out of the car.
I frowned. I snapped my seat belt off and threw the door open, stepping out. “Hey, where are you going? I’ll take you home.”
He didn’t even look back, walking away. “I’ll walk.”
“But it’s miles away, and you’re hurt!”
“Bye, Satan.” He gave me a short, curt wave and rounded the corner, disappearing from sight.
I slumped back into my seat. Something inside me crumbled.
Why did I feel like the world’s worst scumbag?
The ball was rolling, and even days later, I couldn’t stop thinking about the way he’d looked at me in the car or the longing in his voice when he’d said those words.
I didn’t trust him. I’d seen womanizers in action. They would say anything—anything—to get into your panties. I’d been fooled once. Fool me twice . . .
Masen could very well be playing with me so he could break my heart. That was what he’d been all this time—a heartbreaker who didn’t care who got hurt so long as he got to sleep with them. But how good of an actor was he? Was he really capable of showing hurt and want the way he had in my car? Was he capable of showing jealousy when he didn’t care?
Usually, I was 100% sure of my character assessments, but now? Now I wasn’t sure at all who Masen Brown was. And that wasn’t the most messed up part. The most messed up part was that I wanted him to be for real. I wanted his attention. My crush was growing day by day into an uncontrollable beast that was fighting all my rationality and making me forget all the reasons why we shouldn’t be together.
Furthermore, one small part of me even wanted to confront him and demand to know what was going on with him, but even if I’d decided to go through with that, I wouldn’t have had a chance because I could swear he’d been avoiding me the whole week.
He wasn’t home any time I’d gone to visit Eli, and I’d never caught his gaze in school, not even in the classes we shared. I was even sure that the two times we’d been about to pass each other in the hallways he’d taken another route just so he wouldn’t come close to me. And he hadn’t sat at my table at lunchtime, hanging out with his football buddies instead.
That pissed me off.
I should be celebrating that I didn’t have to deal with him anymore, but my celebratory mode was turned off and very likely to stay that way.
“Miss Brooks? Miss Brooks, are you listening to me?”
I met Mrs. Aguda’s stern gaze across her desk. “Yup.”
She exhaled through her teeth and motioned to the papers in front of her. “Miss Brooks, as I was saying, I called you in here to discuss the Student Code program.”
“Oh, goodie. What do the reports say? Have I set the poor kid on fire? Have I spread plague among unsuspecting citizens?”
She gave me her “Don’t bullshit me” look. “Save your quips for when you’re out of this office, all right? I’ve read the reports and talked to the coordinator, and I see you’re doing great. I hear you’re getting along with the boy.”
I bobbed my head up and down. “Yup. We’re practically best buddies.”
She smiled one of her rare smiles, which made her look less like a sergeant made to drill rules into students and more like a real human being with feelings. “That’s good. I’d hoped it would come to that, especially after your initial reaction to the program. But considering what happened with your brother, I thought it might be best if you finished it early. You already have enough on your plate.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. I didn’t need any coddling. No, thank you. “Nope, don’t do me any favors just because my brother died.”
“I know you don’t want any special treatment, but I believe you’ve already learned enough from this. You haven’t had any
more incidents and you show strong commitment to the student council.” Just like always, but no—one small incident and she’d treated me like the first-class criminal. “There is no need for you to continue.”
Actually, I wanted to continue. I’d used to think the program was one of the worst things that could’ve happened to me, but I’d been wrong. Program or no program, Eli had become my friend, and I cared about him. I couldn’t just treat him like part of some stupid program. He was so much more to me, and I wanted to keep seeing him. Keep trying to make him smile. Keep showing him he didn’t have to be lonely and could be so much more if he wanted it.
“I want to continue.”
She observed me for a moment longer, her lips pursed, but then she nodded. “If you’re sure about it.”
“I’m positive.”
“All right, then. You’ll proceed with the program as we’d agreed. That incident won’t affect your college admission.”
I nodded. “It’s good to hear I’m a respected and flawless citizen again.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. I could see she wanted to rake me over the coals, but she just pursed her plump lips tighter. “You may go.”
I jumped to my feet. “Sure thing.”
“And, Miss Brooks?”
I turned to look at her, my hand already on the door handle.
“I’m sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling is hard, but hang in there. It will get better with time. Just know that if you need someone to talk to, I’m here. So is the school counselor.”
My chest grew tight. I swallowed past the scraping in my throat. I found a strange understanding in her eyes, as though she’d experienced losing a sibling herself.
I gave her a small smile. “Sure.”
She offered me yet another rare smile. “You’re young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Everything will come to its place, sooner or later.”
“Thanks. Is that all?”
“That’s all.”
I nodded and walked out before the tightness in my chest became too much. I had my whole life ahead of me, sure, but why couldn’t my brother have had that, too? Why did some lives end so abruptly, like they were food with an expiration date, with no chances of redemption or going back to the right path?
I thought about Eli and how his life could also have ended. Another life that could’ve been extinguished too damn quickly, but he’d survived and gotten another chance. And I knew that, no matter what, I would be there to support him and encourage him to follow his dreams.
It was too late for my brother, but it was just the start for Eli.
As I pulled my car up in front of Eli’s house, my phone buzzed with a new message from Shreya.
“We kissed.”
My eyes bulged nearly out of their sockets as I read her text. She and Mateo had gone to the theater last night, and it had obviously gone better than I’d expected. They’d fricking kissed!
I sent Mateo a quick text, grinning from ear to ear. “Why didn’t you tell me the biggest news of the century? You and Shreya KISSED! Say what???”
To Shreya, I sent, “How did THAT happen?”
I stepped out of my car. Masen’s car wasn’t here again. Avoidance mode, apparently, was still activated.
My stomach sank, and if I didn’t know any better, I would say I missed him.
I slapped my forehead. I was seriously losing it. I squinted at the clear sky; I could almost see Steven laughing at me.
“Is this funny, punk? Am I acting like a complete fool?” I smiled at the sky, imagining his teasing smirk, flutters of ache in my chest. “Yep, I’m acting like a complete fool. I’ve lost my mind. Any piece of your timeless wisdom?” The only reply was silence. “Yep. That’s what I thought.”
A new text notification flashed on my screen. It was from Shreya. I tucked away thoughts of Steven and opened the message.
“He drove me home, and as I got ready to get out of his car, it just happened.”
“What do you mean? Did he initiate the kiss or you?”
“Hmm . . . Both? We just leaned toward each other, and the next thing I knew, we were kissing!”
I grinned. Mateo was surely changing his tune when it came to Shreya.
“So, did you have a good time?”
“We had a great time. We talked some more and got to know each other better. Ahhh! It was so amazing.”
Double hooray. Maybe this whole matchmaking thing wouldn’t turn into a disaster after all.
“So, are you two together now, or what?”
“Not yet. He said he wasn’t sure what he wanted, which is a bummer, but I told him I would wait.”
I wiggled my lips left and right. I didn’t like this. Why would you kiss a girl if you weren’t ready to be with her?
My screen flashed with a new text. This time it was from Mateo.
“Because I would never hear the end of it if I told you. And don’t push for the details because it was just a kiss and nothing else.”
I pursed my lips together. I could contain my curiosity, all right. But first things first.
“Don’t play with her. Don’t kiss her if you don’t plan to be with her.”
Once more, guilt gnawed at my insides, and I regretted ever trying to bring them together. Mateo obviously wasn’t ready for a relationship, but I’d been pushing him nevertheless, and if Shreya ended up with a broken heart . . .
“Melissa Brooks,” I muttered, “you deserve to be banished to a desert island to become the next Robinson Crusoe.”
“Now you’re sounding like my mother.”
I was about to text him in reply, when Mawar opened the door and stepped outside.
“Oh, hi, Melissa!” She approached me, carrying her rucksack over one shoulder. “Why aren’t you coming in?”
Deciding to text Mateo later, I pocketed my phone. “I was about to. Already leaving?”
“Yes. Eli and I finished his routine for today. Have fun, you two.”
“As always.” I winked at her and entered the house.
Eli and I spent the whole afternoon watching Fast and Furious movies, feasting on unlimited amounts of popcorn, but my heart just wasn’t in it. I kept thinking about Masen, and why he stayed away while I was there. I purposely stayed longer than usual just to spite him once he showed up, but night came and went and he still wasn’t home.
Eli, who had finished self-catheterizing and transferred to his bed in the meantime, fell asleep in the middle of the third movie, and I turned off the TV, glancing at the clock. It was nearly eleven. Doug was working late into the night because of some broadcast his TV station was airing tomorrow, so Eli was most likely going to be all alone until Masen came.
Where the hell was Masen?
“Hey.” I nudged Eli gently. He fluttered his eyes open and gave me an unfocused look. “I’m going, but Masen isn’t home yet. Are you going to be all right here on your own?”
“Yeah,” he said sleepily and closed his eyes.
“Are you sure? I can stay with you until Masen comes.”
“No need to. Don’t worry. I have all I need, so you can go.” He motioned to his fruit snacks and water on the nightstand, which he had by his side in case he got hungry or thirsty overnight.
“Okay, then. Have fabulous dreams.”
“Thanks.” He was already dozing off again.
I turned off his nightstand lamp, picked up my backpack, and tiptoed out of the room, making sure to make as little noise as possible.
Masen’s Corvette was parked in the driveway when I walked out, and an unwanted flutter of excitement blasted through my belly. He was sitting in his car, but I couldn’t see much in the darkness, and I didn’t understand what was taking him so long to get out. As I came closer to his car, I finally got a good look at his face.
My steps faltered.
Jesus.
His face was completely covered in blood.
He raised his gaze from his lap and finally noticed me standing beside the car, his ey
es widening in dismay. I could hear him curse before he opened the door and got out, refusing to look at me. His face was a mash of bruises, broken skin, and blood, which made my heart pump with fear and filled my mind with various ghastly scenarios. I instantly looked over the rest of him for more injuries.
“What happened to you?” I asked, struggling to keep the tremble out of my voice. There was blood around the collar of his white T-shirt, but it looked as if it had run down from his face.
He locked his car with his key fob. “Nothing. Go home.” He passed by me without looking at me.
“Those guys did this to you, right?” He kept walking, paying me no attention. I darted forward and skidded to a halt in front of him. “What will you say to Eli and your dad when they see you?”
He frowned at the ground. “That I got mugged, or I got into a fight while I was drunk. It works like a charm every time.” He tried to sidestep me, but I blocked him again, miffed because he was avoiding looking at me. “Move, Satan. I don’t have time for this.”
“How about you look at me first? You won’t be incinerated if you do.”
He dragged his gaze up to my eyes, letting out an exasperated sigh. “There. Happy now?”
I just stared back at him. This was the first time after almost a week that we were looking at each other, and while it was absolutely not the time, I couldn’t not think about how I’d actually missed it.
“Why are you avoiding me?” The question slipped out before I could stop myself.
He flexed his jaw and looked away. “You mean ignoring your annoying ass?”
I glared at him. “So, we’re back to insults?”
“We never stopped.” He walked into the house and shut the door without another word.
This infuriating . . .!
I stood in place with fisted hands, torn between worry and anger. No. He didn’t deserve my worry. Not when he was going to act like a baboon about it.
“Fuck it.” I stomped over to my car. If he didn’t want my help, then he could rot for all I cared.
I reached for my keys in my backpack, but then I noticed my phone was missing.
Now, that’s just wonderful. I’d left it on Eli’s desk before we started watching movies.