Tainted

by Kallie Mathers

  My father has always kept a level head about him. No matter what goes on around him, he keeps shit going until the crisis is well and truly dealt with and then he goes off fishing alone for a weekend, and after two days of doing whatever it is he does, he shows back up refreshed and raring to go.

  “Oh, shit. I’m so sorry, Carter. That’s horrible news, but why did you want to give me ‘full disclosure’? I’m confused.”

  “Oh, I wanted you to know about my mom’s new diagnosis and how she is expected to go downhill fast. She’s going to need extra care,” suddenly, Nancy jumps in.

  “Hell, I’m not qualified to look after the horrid things that are to come. I need to bow out so you can fund a nurse.” She looks devastated.

  “We’re already on the hunt for a nurse, one that will fit in with us. And when I say ‘us’ I mean you too. I don’t want you to leave. My mom both loves and trusts you. We’re just going to bring in another person to help, but I would very much like it if you would suit in on the interview process. You’re a part of our family, I need to make sure you’re also comfortable with whom we bring in.” I can’t have the staff hating one another. Fights and bickering are the last thing I need.

  Furiously, she nods. “Absolutely, I want to stay on, and I’d be more than happy to help. Thank you, Carter.”

  “Don’t thank me. My mom told me you were to stay on. Not that I wanted you gone, but she was adamant.”

  Mia

  I know I need to see my brother soon, but I’m far from ready to see Carter. Yes, I love him. Yes, I wish I’d been able to keep him in my life, but it wouldn’t have been fair on him.

  Finally, after many days of torturing Chase, and the fact that I have spent that time attached to the toilet while my body detoxed, I finally put him on the visitors list, and I had the nurse call him to let him know I was ready to face him.

  The next day, I dragged my sorry ass out of bed, I showered and get dressed into a pair of black leggings and an oversized knitted grey jumper, all without throwing up. I was damn proud of myself, but before too long, my nerves kicked in.

  Other than when he brought me in, I haven’t been face to face with my brother, the man who has always protected me no matter what situations have come up.

  As I walk down the stairs, I look over to the visiting/meal area and the second I catch a glimpse of Chase as he stands wearing a pair of faded blue jeans, a black t-shit and grey hoodie, I cry. I cry so hard I can’t see, so I stop in place not wanting to fall down the staircase.

  Carefully, I sit on the step, as my chest heaves with my sobs. I don’t know where these intense emotions came from, but they sure as hell don’t want to leave me, not just yet.

  Mere moments later, I feel a pair of arms wrap around me, and I know it’s Chase the instant I smell his cologne.

  “It’s okay. It’s all going to be okay; I promise you,” he whispers but I can hear the emotions he’s harbouring in his voice. He’s hurting too.

  We hold onto one another for dear life, and eventually, our tears dry up and he continues to hold me in his arms as we make our way down the stairs where we’re met by DJ, who has been patiently waiting for us.

  “Fuck, me. You look like shit,” the smart-ass chuckles.

  “You can hide, but you can’t run. Asshole.” I snicker.

  His face drops. “Dude, that’s brilliant. I haven’t heard that one yet,” he chuckles as I let go of Chase so I can hug my dear friend before taking a seat at one of the tables close to the windows that overlook acres of bright green grass.

  Sitting between the boys, Chase is the one to initiate the conversation, “So how have they been treating you? Good I hope, considering how much money we’re paying for you to get help,” he winks.

  “Yeah, other than the fact that the pricks won’t let me get high, it’s not so bad.” I shrug. “Oh, except for when we have to go to group,” I roll my eyes.

  “When they sit you in a circle and try to get you to tell your story and share your ‘feelings’?” DJ asks.

  “Bingo. It’s the crappiest part of the day. I’ve never been one ‘to share my feelings,’ and suddenly, they want me to open up to a bunch of strangers? I don’t think so.”

  “Surely there’s someone you’ve managed to form a bind with?” My brother asks, hopeful.

  Looking around, I make sure Raine isn’t within earshot. When I know the coast is clear, I lean in. “I’ll tell you, but you need to keep it confidential. Got it?” That’s more so directed towards DJ. He’s been known to have a big mouth, at times.

  Once both boys agree to shut their mouths, I whisper, “My roommate has been great. And you won’t believe who it is...” I titter off, building their anticipation. I’m a bitch like that. “Raine (insert sur name) is who I’m sharing a room with.”

  Both boys’ jaws drop, and I can’t help but feel tickled inside. “No. Fucking. Way? You think she’d date a dude in a wheelchair? Make sure you tell her my family has more money than god,” DJ practically drools.

  “Screw him, tell her I have more money than this dip-shit and make sure she knows I can walk.” Chase blurts, and I can’t help myself, I burst out laughing.

  “Fuck you!” DJ spits.

  “Right back at ya! You told both myself and Carter to treat you like we...” but my brother stops mid-sentence when he sees that my body has stiffened.

  Just the mention of his name, has me on edge. I want to know everything there is to know about him and his life. I want to ask if he’s okay. I want to discover if there’s another woman in his life, but I know the answer to that last question could be damaging to my sobriety.

  “Sorry, sis. I should…”

  I cut Chase off mid-sentence, “It’s okay. Now that the name has been thrown out there, I should ask how he’s doing?” I don’t know if I want Chase to answer, but it’s too late now.

  The boys share a look, a look I know all too well. The look that means something huge has happened and they don’t know whether I’m ‘stable’ enough to handle whatever they should be filling me in on.

  “Well,” DJ starts as he looks up at me. “Sara was taken into care. She had another episode, so carter had to race off back to LA yesterday.” He says carefully.

  “Crap, do you know if she’s okay?” I’ve seen Sara’s episodes. Although I must admit it wasn’t like she went bat shit crazy belting the shit out of people. No she always reminded me of a hippy in the sixties or seventies, high on acid. She was always fun to be around, but it also hurts me to know those episodes were caused because she’s ill.

  “There’s more,” DJ adds.

  My head drops before I feel DJ’s hand rest upon mine. Immediately, our eyes meet, and I know that whatever is coming, it isn’t good. I need to try my best to prepare myself for whatever to come.

  “Lay it on me. Don’t hold back because if you do, and I find out you did, I ‘will’ wheel you over the edge of a twenty-story high balcony. Got it?”

  He holds his hands up in mock defence. “Understood. Geez, you’re in a bitchier mood than usual.”

  “I’m sobering up. Do you remember what an assface you were when the drugs were leaving your system? Fuck, what I wouldn’t give for a handful of Vicodin.” I smile at the boys, but I’m far from joking.

  “Got it. Anyway, when Carter arrived at the hospital yesterday, the doc pulled him aside. Apparently, on top of dealing with her mental illness, Sara is also in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. Because she’s already been dealing with mental issues, the docs think it could speed up her deterioration. Carter’s in a world of hurt and confusion and he’s at a loss. I guess all we have to do now is wait and help when we can.”

  “Wait, for what?” fuck me. I know I’ve been trying to avoid having contact with Carter because I thought, no, I knew that if I stayed on the self-destruction path I was on, I would cause him only pain, but right this second, all I want to do is pick up the phone and ask him if he’s okay. I want to assure him that I’ll be th
ere for him, but it’s not a promise I can commit to. I’m still in desperate need for a drink. Hell, I’m two seconds away from making up a batch of prison issued toilet wine. I know I should be ashamed of the thought, but knowing Carter’s suffering, well, it’s not helping the urge stay at bay.

  “Carter’s going to do some research and try to find the best of the best doctors who might be able to help Sara live longer. I don’t know if there’s anything that ‘can’ be done, but I sure as shit know that both Carter and my father won’t rest until they’ve exhausted all avenues,” DJ explains but I can tell he’s in pain.

  He’s always been fond of Sara. She never treated him as ‘the other woman’s child.’ No, she’s always been nothing but kind to him. She even spent copious amounts of days sitting with him after he had his accident just so Mary could grab some sleep. The woman is a saint.

  I look to my brother. “We need to find a way to help them. I have no idea how, but I know we need to do something.” Chase smiles widely, and it irks me. “What? What the hell are you smiling at asswad?”

  “I knew you still cared about Carter. I knew it was in you,” he continues to smile, and all I want to do is punch it off his smug face.

  “Of course, I care. I’ve always cared, I just couldn’t show him I did because he deserves to get out into the world and find someone that can take care of him. It would be shitty of me to keep him hanging around having to worry about me all the goddamn time. I’m nowhere near ready to take on a relationship. Let alone a relationship with someone as sweet as Carter. No, I deserve an asshole that will treat me like shit because I’m a nobody. I’m a shitty person that deserves nothing good to happen.” If only I could tell them what happened after I left, but I’m scared they will look down on me. Including my brother, the man that always swore he’d stand by my side. He’d be gone too.

  Chase reaches over and he cups his hands over mine that rest on the table. “You need to stop thinking like that. I don’t know why you feel that way, but you need to know that you ‘are’ special. That you have a heart of gold. An asshole wouldn’t push someone away for their own good. No, they would stay with that person and make their life a living nightmare. You didn’t do that. You ‘are’ a good person. You just need to start believing it.” ***

  When the boys we’re ushered out of the facility once the visiting time was up, I headed back up to my room, to find that Rain wasn’t in. I knew I only had a small window of time. I hated the fact that our calls were monitored, but I would have to suck it up and press on.

  As I picked the cordless phone up for its cradle, I take a moment to breathe. This is the first time I’ve reached out in well over a year, and I’m not sure how it will go, but soon enough, I begin dialling the number and when it rings, butterflies flutter within my stomach.

  “Hello?”

  “Umm, hey. It’s me, Mia.”

  “I’d know your voice anywhere. Are you okay? Do you need me? Do you need anything? Whatever it is, I’ll have it to you as soon as humanly possible.”

  I can’t help but smile, but soon, my smile turns upside down. Knowing what I did, all comes flooding back, and my breathing slows. “I don’t need anything. I wanted to ask how your mom is? Chase and DJ were just here, and they filled me in. I wanted to know if there was anything I could do to help you. I don’t know what I can do from this hell hole, but…” I trail off unsure of what to say next.

  “Thank you, but there’s nothing anyone can do. We just need to make the most of what time she has left for the time being. I’m looking for new doctors, ones that are considered the top in their field. I don’t care where they’re located, I just need to do this. I need to know I did all I could to try and save her life. But I need to make sure she’s comfortable and that I keep her comfortable.”

  “I don’t blame you. I still can’t believe it all.”

  “I’m still trying to come to grips with it. anyway, this isn’t something you need to be worrying about. You have enough on your plate.” There’s an awkward pause for what feels like a lifetime, before he breaks the ice. “So, how are ‘you’ doing?”

  “I’ll be okay. I have a long ass road ahead of me, but I’m hoping that when I get out of here, I’ll be able to stay sober, but it’s not a promise I can make, just yet.” Especially since I’m still desperate to get high. The feeling it gives me, the release it gives me. There’s nothing like it. while high, my trouble and my past along with my present living situation, were non-existent. It’s the reason I’m confident that I won’t stay sober once I’m released from this place.

  “I hope you do. I miss the old you. I miss how we were together. I know it’s probably the last thing on your mind, but I want, no, scratch that, I ‘need’ you to know that no matter what happens, I will always be there for when you’re ready. There will never be anyone else for me. I know this is heavy and as I speak, right now, I regret saying it because I don’t want to put any pressure on you. Forget what I said and focus on you. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” I can hear the regret and the fear in his voice and it’s breaking my heart.

  “Don’t do this to yourself. Go and focus on your mom. And please let her know that I’m thinking of her and that I still love her.”

  “Thank you. I’m be sure to tell her.”

  “Thanks. I’d better go. I need to get to group.”

  “Thanks for calling. You made a shitty day, better.”

  “No problem. Bye.”

  “See ya, Mia.” And we hang up.

  Carter

  When I’ve hung up, I find myself standing in place staring at my phone.

  “You okay?” I didn’t even hear Nancy approach.

  “Mia just called me.”

  “No way? Seriously? What did she say? Oh, no sorry, I don’t mean to pry. Forget I asked.”

  but as she tuns on her heels, I look up. “No, it’s okay.”

  Nancy turns back around to face me once again. “She heard about my mom’s diagnosis. She wanted to make sure we know she still loves my mom and that she’s sending her love and support.”

  Mandy’s eyes widen. “Damn, that’s awesome. Do you think the therapy is working and that she’ll try to stay sober once she’s released?”

  “She said she was going to try.”

  “Holy hell. That’s better than her saying she knows she’ll bomb. I really hope you get your happy ever after. You’re a good man and you deserve to be happy. You deserve nothing but the best. I’m rooting for you guys.”

  “Thank you. I want the same.”

  ***

  Later that evening, as I searched through a catalogue of doctors who specialise in Dementia, I came across one known to be the best of the best in his field, and I immediately, called the clinic.

  At first, they told me there was a fourteen month wait to get in, but when I offered to donate a half a million to a foundation this Dr Rosenthal put together for he could raise much needed funds to further research a cure for dementia he is in charge of, my mother was given an appointment for the following day, in New York.

  It all fell into place. I’d be able to be close to Mia and my family, all while caring for my mom simultaneously.

  When everything was in place and I’d booked a suite at the same hotel Chase and I’d been staying at, it was time to call my dad and fill him in on the news.

  I’d asked DJ to keep the new diagnosis to himself until I had the chance to talk to my father first. I didn’t want him getting second-hand information, I owed him at least, that for how amazing he acts towards Sara, even though they’ve been divorced for many years.

  “Hello?” my father answers.

  “Hey, dad.”

  “Oh dear, what’s happened, son? Are you okay? Is your mom okay?”

  “Yeah, that’s why I’m calling. Mom had another episode.”

  “Is she okay?”

  “I wish I could say yes, but I can’t. When the hospital admitted her, they did a bunch of tests to make sure she was okay, a
nd when I arrived the doctor took me aside as he gently explained that she is in the early stages of dementia.” My heart is now thumping against my ribs.

  “Oh, my son. That isn’t news I would ever hope to receive. I’m so very sorry. My heart is breaking for you both. What can I do? Both Mary and I can be on a jet in no time at all. We want to help in any way we can.”

  And right there, that’s the very reason I will always aspire to be like my father. “I’ve found a doctor that’s in New York. Apparently, he’s the best there is. I’ve booked our flights. We’ll be there first thing tomorrow morning. I’ve also booked the suit next door to the one I was staying at with Chase. Everything’s in place.”

  “I’m beyond proud of you, my boy. Can you send me the information? I’ll make sure I’m there for the appointment. You don’t need to face this alone, my son. Let me take some of the burden from you.”

  Letting go of the breath I’d been holding; I feel a weight has been lifted from me. “Thank you, dad but I’m hoping Nancy will tag along, but if she doesn’t, I’ll be sure to call you because I might need back up if I don’t have her. Thank you for being the best ex-husband there is.”

  “Hey, just because we ended up divorced, it doesn’t mean I ever stopped caring for her. I was a role model for you, and I wanted to make sure I did my best to make sure I showed you what a gentleman looked like.”

  “You did it well, dad. Thank you for that.”

  “Anytime, my son. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  “See you tomorrow, dad.” And we hang up the phone.

  When I’ve placed the phone down onto the counter, I search the house for Nancy, and eventually, I find her upstairs straightening up my mothers’ room.

  Entering, I walk over to the bed, and I help her make the bed. “You don’t have to help. It’s a part of my job description,” she smiles sweetly.

  “No, it’s not.” I have a maid, but Nancy isn’t one to stay still for long. “Putting that aside I need to ask you a question.”

  She lets go of the covers and straightens. “Is everything okay?” she asks, cautiously.