The Way We Are

by Shelly Desjarlais

  Instead of allowing such things, Carolyn moved towards the living room. “I should go back to the farm. I have a lot to do.”

  “I’m sure that you do,” Hazel said with disappointment in her voice.

  “I’ll be back tomorrow. Same time. Does that work for you?”

  “Oh, I’ll be here,” Hazel confirmed.

  “All right,” Carolyn said. She held the book close to her chest. “Thank you again for the book. And tea. And the coffee.”

  “You don’t need to thank me. If I remember correctly, you hate it when people thank you. Maybe I hate it too,” Hazel lightheartedly answered.

  Carolyn grinned. “Until tomorrow.”

  “Until then.”

  Once again, Hazel stood by the window until Carolyn’s truck went down the road. One day felt like forever when they were apart. They both counted down the minutes.

  Thirteen

  “These are dry,” Thompson said as he stabbed at his meatballs.

  Carolyn kept her eyes on her plate. She automatically apologized. “I’m sorry. I let them cook for too long.”

  “You should know how to cook a meatball, Carolyn.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “Any real woman knows how to cook. You used to. I wouldn’t of married you if you didn’t,” he roughly spat. She didn’t like the way his mustache twitched above his glass of tomato juice. He slammed the glass on the table. “What did you do to the juice?”

  “Nothing, Thompson.”

  “It’s too warm. You left it out too long.”

  On nights such as that one, Carolyn knew that her husband had a bad day at the factory. She wasn’t quite sure what made his day so dreadful. It could have been that his feet ached, it could have been that his boss scolded him, or it could have been that the commute home took too long. In the end, it didn’t matter to Carolyn. Damage control. That was what mattered to her.

  “I’m sorry. I won’t do it again,” Carolyn meekly replied.

  “Go make something else. Meatloaf again. I like that,” he ordered.

  “I don’t have the ingredients for that. It’d take over an hour too. That’d be too late to eat.”

  She regretted her words. He stood up and howled. “I decide when I eat. You’re here to serve me. If I say I want meatloaf, you make it. And you’re going to make it right now.”

  “Thompson, I can’t. I don’t have the meat. I used it for the meatballs.”

  “You’ve ruined good meat? Don’t you know how much that costs? I go work in the factories all day every day to pay off our debts, and you throw my money in the garbage?”

  “It won’t happen again,” Carolyn promised.

  “Damn right it won’t. I could have left you. I could have put you out in the middle of noplace to fend for yourself. But, I kept you. You’re nothing but a stupid and helpless woman without me. You best remember that.”

  “I do the best that I can,” Carolyn blurted.

  His head tilted to one side. “What’d you say?”

  “I do my best,” she croaked.

  “That’s a lie. I don’t like it when you lie.”

  Although she wanted to run, she knew it would only make things worse. He circled the table to her side. His hand snagged the back of her neck. All she could do was to prepare for what was to come.

  *-*-*-*

  The next day, Hazel had coffee ready. She perked up like a woodland deer when she heard the rumble of Carolyn’s truck. However, she was surprised when she opened her front door. Carolyn wasn’t there yet. She walked carefully and cautiously up the driveway, and her face was drained. Even from a distance, Hazel knew that Carolyn’s eyes were red.

  “Hello. I have coffee,” Hazel called.

  Carolyn stared at the ground as she spoke. “That’s all right, Hazel. I think that I should get to work today.”

  “Oh. All right. Let me know if you need anything,” Hazel responded.

  Dejectedly, Hazel closed her door. She discreetly peeked through her window. Carolyn finally reached the car. She gradually bent down to fetch a tool, yet it took her a long while to straighten her spine. Her hands seemed to fumble on the hood of the car. A minute passed before she successfully opened it. Concern grew in Hazel’s mind.

  Carolyn winced and jolted whenever she moved. She could feel his fist in her gut with every breath. His words screamed in her mind. Stop saying that you’re sorry, Carolyn! Saying sorry don’t fix anything! You’re bad and you know it! Or are you too stupid to get that? You’re nothing, you hear? Nothing. I’m all you got. All you’ll ever get.

  As she thought, her wrench fell deep into the engine. She bent forward to retrieve it, but her abdomen painfully tightened. Her hands gripped either side of the hood for support. She hissed to herself. “Dammit, Carol. Pull it together. You’ve been worse.”

  Agonizingly, she folded at the waist with her hand out. Her fingers searched the engine for her missing wrench. When she found it, she sorely straightened her spine. She returned to the task at hand. However, she heard her husband’s voice. “Nothing.” She was nothing. Bad. Stupid. Nothing. And, he was all that she had.

  Her hand slipped again. This time, the wrench plummeted to the ground. Once more, she picked it up and returned to work. His face overpowered her mind. Her swollen and bruised stomach overpowered her body. The wrench tumbled as she felt her body burn.

  She was tired of the frustration. On the surface, she was irritated and angry by the uncooperative wrench. The truth was that she was hurting, physically and mentally. It was beginning to take its toll. Carolyn had enough. She kicked her toolbox and punched the fender of the car. It didn’t leave marks on the car. It did leave marks on her knuckles.

  Hazel heard the commotion. She jogged through her house and down the porch steps. Carolyn kicked the wrench with all her might. Hazel was taken aback by the rage and anguish in Carolyn’s eyes. Carolyn hadn’t noticed Hazel.

  “Carolyn?” Hazel timidly asked.

  Instantly, Carolyn froze in place. “I’m sorry. I’ll clean my mess.”

  “That doesn’t bother me,” Hazel tried to tell her.

  “It’ll take an hour to finish. Sorry for stalling.”

  “That doesn’t bother me either.”

  “And I’m sorry about the noise.”

  “None of those things bother me, Carolyn. What bothers me is that you’re upset. What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” Carolyn answered instinctively.

  Unlike most, Hazel wouldn’t believe her. “That’s not true. Something is wrong. What is it? You can talk to me.”

  “I’m just flustered because this engine is giving me problems.”

  “Do you need a hand?”

  “No,” Carolyn gruffly barked. She attempted to soften her voice. “No, thank you. I got it.”

  Carolyn set about the task of gathering her tools. Hazel began to collect the tools closest to her, speaking as she went. “I think that some kind of wrench or something is under the car. I might be able to reach it.”

  “No, thank you. I can handle this.”

  “With all due respect, I don’t think that you can right now. You can barely bend over. What happened? Are you hurt?”

  “I’m fine. Just give me some more time. The car is almost done,” Carolyn growled through clenched teeth.

  “Don’t kid yourself. You know that you’re not fine. I know that you’re not fine. Why can’t you tell me what it is? Please, Carolyn. Let me help.”

  “I don’t want you to. You need to keep back.”

  “I have everybody in Massachusetts telling me what I need. Please don’t start that in Nebraska,” Hazel murmured. “I need to be here for you. That’s what I need.”

  “I need to finish this car. That’s what I need.”

  Hazel tossed her hands in the air. “Fine. Have at it. If you feel like chatting, I’ve kept the coffee warm.”

  Carolyn’s shoulders winced at the sound of Hazel’s front door. She slammed it behind he
r and then stomped through the living room. Carolyn focused as closely as she could on the task at hand. All she wanted was to get off Hazel’s farm. She kicked herself for being so harsh towards Hazel when the woman only wanted to support her. However, after twenty years of torture, Carolyn couldn’t trust anyone with her secrets.

  Powerful emotions circled Hazel’s mind. She was worried, furious, and heartbroken. Then, a single word came to her: Pain. It seared through her when she heard a car engine. Carolyn had done it. The car was finally in working order, yet Hazel was despondent.

  Carolyn’s truck drove down the road. An empty mug sat beside Hazel’s cup of coffee. Hazel questioned if Carolyn ever wanted to see her again. She thought that perhaps she had pushed her luck too far with Carolyn. To Hazel, it didn’t matter. She was crazy about Carolyn Jennings, and she wasn’t going to run away from her.

  Fourteen

  The following day, Carolyn leaned against her fence in the oppressive morning air. She took long and listless drags from a cigarette. The field became a lake in her eyes once again, but she couldn’t let go of her life. In that moment, she was scorched by the fiery shades within that sunrise. She wasn’t sure if Hazel would come back.

  Before that sunrise, Hazel climbed into her car. She turned the key and listened to the engine’s growling melody. Hazel worried that she may get lost if she wandered too far. However, she knew that she could navigate the complex streets of Boston. A small town wouldn’t be difficult to learn.

  Hazel drove around Debarr nearly all day. She drove in circles and forged roads where there were few tire tracks. Her car moved faster when she reached Richardson Row. Their name was plastered on as many signs as possible. They had corn, livestock, and many other crops that Hazel didn’t recognize. She was amazed by how many workers they had. Now, she knew why they were so influential.

  There was one place that she passed at least a dozen times. Naturally, it was Carolyn’s farm. She gazed intently at the property, wishing that she had the courage to stop. But, Carolyn made it plain that she wasn’t interested in talking. So, Hazel would drive on. Somehow, she would ride by the farm again. The process would repeat and repeat.

  Carolyn approached her gate every few hours. She never caught Hazel as she went by. Carolyn would merely stare at her truck, wishing that she had enough courage to visit Hazel. But, she believed that Hazel wouldn’t be interested in talking after how snappy she had been. So, she’d go back to the farm. Somehow, she would return to her truck. It was a cycle.

  One that couldn’t last.

  *-*-*-*

  When Hazel woke up on Thursday, she sprung into action as usual. By the time that she brewed the coffee, she realized that Carolyn wouldn’t be coming. Now that Hazel had her car, there was no need for Carolyn to take her around town. Hazel considered waiting to see if Carolyn would arrive, but that would make her feel like she was pathetic and desperate.

  Hazel went to Elmer’s store once she had finished her coffee. No one was in the parking lot when she arrived. Elmer looked up from the register as she walked through the door. He held a cheerful grin that was far too contagious. Hazel had to smile in return.

  “Well, g’morning, Hazel Mayer.”

  “Good morning, Elmer.”

  Elmer waited for the second clang of his door. It didn’t come. “Where’s Carolyn?”

  “Excuse me?” Hazel asked.

  “It’s just that wherever one of you is the other follows.”

  “I was only riding with her because my car wasn’t working. She fixed it, so that’s that.”

  “Oh. All right,” Elmer sounded skeptical. Because he was.

  “She hasn’t been by today, has she?” Hazel wondered.

  Elmer raised an eyebrow. “No. She hasn’t been by yet. You looking for her?”

  “No. I was only curious.”

  “Right…” he replied.

  Anxiously, she changed the subject. “Do you sell gasoline here?”

  “You know that I sell everything. It’s around the back outside. You can just pay me up here before you get it.”

  “All right. I’ll need some in a minute.”

  Hazel went about her shopping. She paused beside the eggs and milk. The memory of herding cows and being chased by hens appeared in her mind. She fondly added the items to her basket. Though it had only been a week, it felt like she hadn’t been on that farm for years.

  She placed her groceries on the counter for Elmer. As he worked, Hazel struggled with the urge to leave a message for Carolyn. Eventually, her heart won. “Say, Elmer, could you give Carolyn a message for me?”

  “I can. What’s the message?” Elmer asked.

  “Tell her that I…” Hazel stopped. Her brain quickly gripped her tongue. “Tell her that my car is working fine, and I appreciate it.”

  She wanted to say that she missed Carolyn. She imagined saying that she wanted to be on that farm again, beside Carolyn in the open air, hoping that the clock would stop. She dreamt that the hands would freeze, and the sun would pause. Perhaps then Hazel could linger long enough to know Carolyn’s touch.

  “I’ll pass that right on along for you,” Elmer promised Hazel.

  “Thank you. I’m going to get some gas now. Have a wonderful day,” Hazel replied.

  Elmer watched as Hazel left. He heard the ancient automobile roll around his place, and he heard it rumble down the road. Hazel didn’t know that she should have gone home.

  *-*-*-*

  Carolyn was in turmoil. It was Thursday, after all. Did she visit Hazel, or did she assume that Hazel didn’t need her anymore? Carolyn knew what she wanted. It nagged at her relentlessly. Those hazel eyes charmed her like nothing else could. That led Carolyn to her truck, and that led her truck to Hazel’s house.

  She traveled up Hazel’s driveway. When she reached the house, she felt that her moment of valor was wasted. Hazel’s car was gone. The windows were dark, and the fields were quiet. Hazel had gone to town on her own that day. Carolyn believed that it was a sign that Hazel was through with her. Disheartened, she set out for Elmer’s store.

  An hour after Hazel left, Mrs. Gable entered Elmer’s store. Elmer did not like it when Mrs. Gable was around. She always found a reason to complain, and she enjoyed pretending to browse the aisles. That way, she was able to listen to any chitchat at the register. She was circling like a shark when Carolyn walked through that door.

  “Good morning,” Carolyn reservedly greeted him.

  He brightly tipped his hat. “G’morning, Carolyn.”

  “I got the money all right,” Carolyn said before he could ask.

  “Good, good,” Elmer responded.

  Carolyn turned to the rest of the store. Mrs. Gable caught her eye, though Mrs. Gable was hoping to go unnoticed. Carolyn hated to speak. “Good morning, Mrs. Gable.”

  “Good morning, Mrs. Jennings. How do you do?”

  She hated how Mrs. Gable faked politeness. “I’m all right, thank you. And you?”

  “I’m all right, thank you,” Mrs. Gable stiffly responded.

  Mrs. Gable intended on leaving, yet that was before Carolyn entered. She moved to a different aisle while Carolyn rushed through her trip. Carolyn hurried to the counter. She could feel Mrs. Gable watching her. It wasn’t just rude. It was unnerving.

  “Is that it for today?” Elmer asked Carolyn.

  Carolyn selected a homemade cookie from the plate. “Other than this, yes.”

  “That’s free and you know it,” Elmer chuckled. He hadn’t forgotten the message from Hazel, but he remembered Mrs. Gable. However, a promise was a promise. He tried to whisper. “Carolyn, I got a message for you.”

  “For me?”

  “Yeah. It’s from Hazel,” he answered.

  The hairs on her neck prickled as her skin blazed. “From Hazel? What’d she say?”

  “She wanted me to tell you that the car is working good and she appreciates it.”

  “Oh,” Carolyn muttered while disappointment rushed th
rough her. Then again, she wasn’t sure what message she was expecting. “Was that all, Elmer?”

  “She asked if I’d seen you too,” Elmer said.

  “She did?” Carolyn asked.

  “Yeah. She did,” Elmer confirmed.

  Carolyn’s subdued expression began to glow. Hazel was thinking of her. That was something, she figured. Elmer finished their transaction, but he kept an eye on Mrs. Gable. He didn’t think that she heard anything. She was somewhat far away, and she didn’t have a curious look in her eyes. Even if she did hear something, Elmer didn’t believe that she’d interpret it in the way that he had. That was his hope.

  “You have a good day,” Carolyn told Elmer.

  Elmer handed her an extra cookie. “You too, Carolyn.”

  “Thank you.”

  Carolyn walked out the door and climbed into her truck. She had a few more errands to run, as usual, and then began the journey home. Her thoughts were occupied by a list of chores, a dinner menu, and Hazel Mayer. She wondered if Hazel wanted to see her again, or if she just wanted to leave a message with Elmer. Carolyn tried to act like it didn’t matter.

  Soon, her truck skipped across loose rocks on her driveway. The tires squealed to a halt when they neared the house. An old car was parked by the gate, and a young Northerner was sitting on the porch. Carolyn forgot to breathe.

  Fifteen

  Hazel would have gone home, but she didn’t care for the idea of seeing Eugene’s things. Instead, there was a spot that she had discovered on her self-tour of Debarr. There were three trees beside a thin stream. The stream didn’t seem to go anywhere, and it dried out as suddenly as it began. Nevertheless, it made Hazel feel as though her life wasn’t completely flat and wasting away.

  She sat beneath the trees with a bottle of milk. Occasionally, she would take a sip or two. Her mother would have fainted at the thought of her daughter drinking directly from a bottle. That was part of why Hazel was enjoying it so much. It also brought thoughts of Carolyn’s farm to her mind.

  At that point, Hazel had enough. She was tired of thinking and doing nothing. Milk in hand, she marched to her car. She drove home, unpacked her groceries, and got back into her vehicle. She wasn’t sure if Carolyn would be home or not. Regardless, Hazel would be there.