The Way We Are

by Shelly Desjarlais

  “I love you too,” Carolyn replied. Her voice was despondent. “I’d go with you if I could. You know that, right? It’s not that I don’t want you more than anything.”

  “I know, sweetheart. I shouldn’t have asked you in the first place. You know that I’d be with you if I could, don’t you?”

  “I know, darlin. I do. I’m going to miss you more than anything. Every second.”

  Hazel’s voice crackled. “I’ll miss you twice as much. Can I write you? Would that be all right?”

  “Of course you can. Can I write back?” Carolyn’s voice crackled too.

  “I’d be furious if you didn’t,” Hazel lightheartedly replied. “We’ll see each other whenever I come back, won’t we?”

  “Yeah. It’s a little town.”

  “It might be years, Carolyn.”

  “I’d wait forever.”

  “I’d wait forever too,” Hazel whispered.

  Hazel put a hand on Carolyn’s neck. She saw the light bruise along Carolyn’s collar. Hazel immediately reached for her luggage. She still had the handbag with the money inside. Discreetly, she gave it to Carolyn. “I forgot to give you this. There’s money in here. Put it in the barn with the horse where no one will see.”

  “I can’t take your money. It wouldn’t be right.”

  “Let me tell you what isn’t right. What that bastard is doing to you. I want you to take this so that you can run. If you think for a split second that your life is in danger, I want you to run. Can you do that for me?”

  “I don’t know if I can,” Carolyn disputed.

  “You can. Please, do this for me. I’m afraid that I’m leaving you here to die.”

  Carolyn twitched at the thought. “You aren’t. I’ll take the money.”

  “Promise me. Promise that you’ll get out if you have to.”

  “I promise.”

  The sound of the approaching train felt like a funeral march. Hazel looked intently at Carolyn’s face. “I guess this is it.”

  “I’ll help you get your things on the train before I go,” Carolyn replied.

  When the train stopped, Carolyn helped Hazel load her things onto the train. They did not speak while they worked. Both women were lost in their own thoughts. Carolyn wanted to pull Hazel away from the train by force. Hazel wanted Carolyn to take her anywhere but Boston. They couldn’t do either.

  “That’s the last of it,” Hazel told Carolyn.

  Carolyn nodded. Passionately, they embraced. To onlookers, it just appeared as if they were friends saying farewell. The strangers didn’t notice the tears on their faces or the twisted frowns on their lips. Hazel and Carolyn held on. They were well aware of the fact that they were in plain sight.

  “I wish that I could kiss you,” Hazel whispered to Carolyn.

  “I wish that I could kiss you too,” Carolyn returned.

  “I love you so much, Carolyn.”

  “I love you too.”

  Cautiously, Hazel gave Carolyn a kiss on the cheek. She stepped backwards towards the train, as the conductor said that it was last call. Hazel had to shout over the whistle and steam.

  “When I get back here, I’ll see you.”

  “Until then,” Carolyn choked.

  “Until then, Ms. Arksdale.”

  Hazel boarded the train. Carolyn felt like chasing after that train, begging for it to stop. Such a thing was not possible. She turned from the station and climbed into her truck. The book that Hazel gave her was still on the seat. Carolyn was glad that she could keep it after all. It made her memories tangible.

  On the train, Hazel subtly cried. It was over.

  Thirty-five

  The train ride went too fast. Hazel wanted a second to catch her breath, or at least prepare for the lie. It amazed her how different it felt when that train entered Massachusetts. The city was a daunting sight. She’d become accustomed to flat and sparse landscapes. Now, there were trees and buildings everywhere.

  The skyline was wrong. It wasn’t an ocean of blue decorated with white tuffs. The color was grayed by smog and shrunken by the skyscrapers. Lights in apartment windows were nothing like the country starlight. Crops and barns were replaced by construction sites and abandoned shacks.

  Instantly, the air hit her in the ribcage. It was polluted and freezing compared to the warm Nebraskan air. The noise was another problem. Her ears ached and pounded from the activity around her. She missed the stillness of the fields and the patter of the horse’s hooves.

  At the station, she lugged her bags to the terminal. A kind couple helped her gather her various moving boxes before the train had to continue. Given that she hadn’t written, she fought her way through the crowd to a telephone booth. For a second, she forgot Sally’s number. She forgot how to dial at all. She went so long without a telephone.

  “Hello?” Sally answered.

  “Sally, it’s Hazel.”

  “Hazel! Thank God. I thought that you had died out there. You got my letters, then?”

  “Yes. Eugene?”

  “He’s not back yet. Any day now, though. Where are you?”

  “I’m at the train station now. Could you send Orville? I have my moving boxes,” Hazel dryly responded.

  “All right. I’ll send him right away. So…I take it that you’re back? Really back?”

  “Yes. I’m back. Tell him that I’ll be by the clock. I’ll see you soon.”

  Hazel hung up the phone. She was too exhausted to handle her family drama. On the train, she pointedly avoided sleep. She feared she would have vivid dreams. She didn’t want nightmares, but she certainly didn’t want to have dreams about a happy life with Carolyn either. That would have cut deeper than anything.

  “Hey! Hey, Hazel!” Orville’s unmistakable voice called.

  “Hello,” Hazel answered.

  Orville threw his arms around her. “Welcome back! I am so happy to see you. I was about ready to go out there, you know. I thought that the worst had happened to you. Next time you go anywhere for long, you best write or else. The car is just down the way.”

  Together, they moved the boxes and bags to Orville’s car. Hazel closed her eyes. This is it, Hazel, she thought to herself. This is the moment when everything changes. Everything.

  “Have you thought about where you want to stay? Your parents would probably be all right with you going there, but I’d like it if you’d stay with me and Sally and the girls. They’ve been missing their aunt,” Orville chattered.

  “That sounds fine,” Hazel said distantly.

  “Are you all right? You don’t seem like yourself,” he noticed.

  “It’s a long train ride, Orville. I’m tired.”

  “Oh, right. I bet you are. Are you hungry? We’re about to have dinner.”

  “That would be nice,” Hazel replied.

  Orville had a suspicion that Hazel wasn’t just tired. Something else was going on, but he didn’t want to pry. She was barely connected to the world around her. Everything felt like a blur, one that she couldn’t feel or recognize. She had been on every street multiple times, yet she hardly knew them.

  “Hazel!” Sally shouted when they arrived at the house.

  Sally jumped down the steps and hugged her sister. Hazel lightly returned the hug. “Sally.”

  “Orville told you that you can stay with us, didn’t he? I’m sure that you haven’t spoken to Mother or Father yet…” Sally said.

  “I haven’t,” Hazel confirmed.

  While Orville carried the bags, Hazel entered the humble home. Her two nieces ran to her immediately. She couldn’t tell whose voice was whose, as the spoke at the same time. Annie, the older of the two, dragged Hazel towards her dollhouse. Opal stumbled after them in a typical toddler fashion.

  “Now, now,” Sally said as she scooped Opal into her arms. “Your aunt is very tired. She’s come a long way. Let’s be a little quieter, all right?”

  “Yes, Momma,” Annie said. She tugged on Hazel’s dress all the same. “Did you miss u
s, Aunt Hazel?”

  “I did,” Hazel could honestly say.

  “All right, girls. Go help your father set the table,” Sally nudged them along.

  Once they left, Hazel vacantly smiled. “They’ve grown since I’ve been here.”

  “Yes, they’re growing all the time. I can barely keep up with their clothes. You look different too, Hazel. You’re so tan. And are those muscles I see? What were you doing out there?”

  “Sal, can you come get Opal? She’s trying to run away with our chicken,” Orville called from the kitchen.

  “Always a handful. Must take after me,” Sally laughed.

  Chicken. Hazel would never have the displeasure of chasing hens and scooping the coop again. She pushed the memory down and entered the dining room. Annie skipped to her side and yet again tugged at her dress.

  “Sit with me, Aunt Hazel. I want to tell you about how Momma got me a teddy bear. I named it Brown Brown Bear,” Annie excitedly rambled.

  “All right. Let’s sit down and you can tell me all about it,” Hazel agreed.

  “I want you to tell me all about Nebraska,” Sally said as she entered the room with Opal in her arms.

  Hazel happily shook her head. She had the perfect excuse to avoid that subject. “Annie wants to tell me all about Brown Brown Bear. I want to hear absolutely everything.”

  “I’ll tell you everything. I promise,” Annie beamed.

  Sally put her head in her hands. “Orv, we get to talk about Brown Brown Bear. Again.”

  “Again?” Orville asked while he entered the room.

  Opal clapped her hands. “Brown Brown Bear!”

  “I have to hear the story,” Hazel smirked.

  As promised, Annie talked about Brown Brown Bear all through dinner. Hazel was glad that Annie wanted to show her the teddy bear as well. She promised that she would play with the girls once they were finished eating. Thanks to her nieces, Hazel didn’t have to talk about—or think about—the life she just left behind for several hours.

  “Finally, the girls are asleep,” Sally sighed.

  With the girls in bed, Orville relaxed on the couch with a beer and a cigarette. “I haven’t seen them so excited in a long time. They love their aunt. You’re so great with them.”

  “Thank you. They’re wonderful,” Hazel quietly smiled. She took a cigarette, though she had no intention of taking the time to smoke it with them. “They have the right idea too. I could use some sleep.”

  “We’ve barely had a chance to chat,” Sally pouted.

  “It’s been a long journey. I could use some rest.”

  “At least take the time to smoke with us,” Orville argued.

  Hazel glanced at the window. “I’d rather smoke outside. May I have this blanket? I’m cold.”

  “Cold? It’s hot as blazes,” Orville said.

  “This is nothing. I’ll go into the backyard. Please,” Hazel pushed.

  “All right. Here’s a blanket. You know the way,” Sally reluctantly nodded.

  Nodding in return, Hazel went to the backdoor. Their yard was nothing more than a miniscule patch of dying grass. Originally, Hazel sat on the single step that led to the yard. She was annoyed by the swish of Sally’s sagging clothesline. That led her to the edge of the fence instead. Rather than sit in the grass, she lay down on her back.

  There weren’t as many stars in Boston, it seemed. She pretended that it was merely a cloudy night on the plains. Cigarette smoke poured from her lips as she shivered beneath the blanket. Cars and voices cried out all around the yard. Despite the weather and the noise, Hazel didn’t intend on going back inside. She merely finished the cigarette and closed her eyes.

  She couldn’t sleep inside, she knew. It would feel as if the walls were closing in on her. She needed the outdoors. It was engrained in her.

  Sally looked through the window to check on her baby sister. When she realized that Hazel was lying on the ground, she thought that something awful happened. She rushed through the backdoor and to Hazel’s side. She dropped to her knees beside Hazel. “Little sister? Hazel?”

  Hazel responded with several deep snores. Orville saw that Hazel and Sally were on the ground, so he too assumed that something was wrong. He hurried to Sally. “What’s wrong with Hazel?”

  “Shush. She’s sleeping,” Sally muttered.

  “In the backyard? Something isn’t right, Sal. She’s not right,” Orville said.

  “She isn’t. I think I know why,” Sally sighed.

  “Well?” he asked.

  “She’s homesick.”

  “She is home, Hazel.”

  Sally shook her head. “This isn’t her home anymore.”

  Thirty-six

  With Hazel gone, Carolyn went about her life as she always had. Silent. Solemn. Surviving. Thompson noticed that she was more detached than usual, which was saying something. He only hit her once for it. She had reached a point where she didn’t care if he raised a hand to her. She didn’t care for much, save her horse and the other animals.

  One afternoon, Carolyn drove to Hazel’s farm as she had so many times. Once she was there, she sat on Hazel’s porch as if Hazel would be home at any moment. She brought the book that Hazel gave her. For nearly an hour, Carolyn sat there, rereading every note Hazel had written neatly on the pages. Then, she spent another hour in the dying garden that they’d started. It would wither soon. Carolyn could relate.

  Come Sunday, Carolyn seriously considered skipping church. There was no doubt in her mind that Hazel would be a hot topic. Hazel didn’t say goodbye to anyone except for Elmer. That made Hazel’s departure quite a mystery. Hazel was already prominently featured in the Debarr gossip chain. Carolyn didn’t want to deal with it.

  Regardless, it would have made things worse if she didn’t show up that day. Thus, she put on a dress and reluctantly drove to the church.

  “Did you hear it, Mrs. Bean? Ms. Hazel Mayer left,” Mrs. Gable whispered to Mrs. Bean.

  “I heard it, Mrs. Gable. Most people have heard, but no one knows what’s happened. She was gone overnight. I wonder if her fiancé came back,” Mrs. Bean returned.

  “What else could it be, Mrs. Bean?” Mrs. Mare asked.

  “I don’t know, Mrs. Mare. Something,” Mrs. Bean said.

  Mrs. Sadey nodded. “You can never know when there’s more to a story.”

  “Well, that’s what we have to find out, Mrs. Sadey,” Mrs. Gable replied.

  “Look, it’s Mrs. Deanwood. She might know, ladies,” Mrs. Bean eagerly declared.

  The women crashed onto Mrs. Deanwood like an ocean wave. Mrs. Gable’s smile was not at all comforting. “Good morning, Mrs. Deanwood.”

  “Good morning, Mrs. Gable…” Mrs. Deanwood apprehensively responded.

  “Did you hear that Ms. Hazel Mayer left, Mrs. Deanwood?” Mrs. Bean began.

  “She did?” Mrs. Deanwood asked.

  “Yes. Rodger saw her car at the train station. He asked Elmer, and Elmer said that Hazel took a train. Rodger said that he saw Ms. Mayer’s car at her farm just that morning when he was on his delivery route. That means that she abandoned that farm and that car in a matter of hours. You wouldn’t happen to have an idea about what could have happened, Mrs. Deanwood?” Mrs. Gable pressed.

  “Well, the only thing that I can think of would be her fiancé. Maybe he’s back,” Mrs. Deanwood answered.

  “No other reason?” Mrs. Sadey pressed.

  “None?” Mrs. Mare added.

  “I wouldn’t know. We were only so close. Mrs. Jennings might know something, though,” Mrs. Deanwood said.

  The churchwomen thanked Mrs. Deanwood. While Mrs. Mare and Mrs. Sadey were somewhat satisfied, Mrs. Bean and Mrs. Gable wanted more. They stood together against the wall, carefully staring at Carolyn. Although Carolyn was usually put together well, she appeared unkempt. Her eyes were noticeably bloodshot, and she was clearly exhausted. The women discussed this, which caught Ronnie Richardson’s eye.

  “Hey, I think
Mrs. Gable and Mrs. Bean might know something about Hazel,” Ronnie said to his three brothers.

  “Dammit. I thought he’d finally stop with her gone,” Randy grumbled.

  “She’s wonderful,” Rodger spat.

  “Shut up, brat. Go sit with the kids so us adults can talk,” Richard said.

  Rodger walked off in a huff. Ronnie gestured to the women. “I’m going to get the story from those old betties.”

  “Whatever. We’ll be over here when you calm yourself down,” Randy grunted.

  Ronnie floated to the women with a charming smile. They smiled at him in return. “Hello, ladies.”

  “Hello, Mr. Richardson,” Mrs. Gable excitedly greeted.

  “I really want to know about something. I reckoned that the two of you would be the best to ask. You’re just so lovely,” he said.

  His flirtatious nature paid off. Mrs. Bean would have told him anything. “What would you like to know?”

  “Yes, what would you like to know?” Mrs. Gable seconded.

  “Do you know what happened to Hazel Mayer?” Ronnie asked.

  “We were just about to ask Mrs. Jennings,” Mrs. Bean replied.

  The women walked towards Carolyn. She wasn’t stunned that they were coming to her. Mrs. Deanwood saw her at Hazel’s house, and many people saw them together at the party. Carolyn tried to maintain her composure, but she knew it was a futile attempt. She looked horrible, and her throat was sure to croak.

  “Good morning, Mrs. Jennings,” Mrs. Gable said.

  “Good morning,” Carolyn sniffled.

  Ronnie hovered within earshot, yet he wasn’t in Carolyn’s vision. It didn’t matter. Carolyn was only focused on Mrs. Bean’s words anyway. “Are you all right, Mrs. Jennings? You don’t look well.”

  “I’ve caught a cold,” Carolyn tried to convince.

  Mrs. Gable wasn’t believing her. “Really? That’s all it is?”

  “What else would it be?” Carolyn gruffly snapped.

  “Oh, we were just concerned,” Mrs. Bean dismissed. “We’ve noticed that you know Ms. Hazel Mayer better than most people around here. We’re all worried about her. She’s disappeared. Would you know anything about that?”