“I thought that we were going to hold off on children. You wanted to be a soldier and a farmer before being a father,” Hazel sputtered.
“I told you that my life changed when I was injured, Hazel. I want a family. You do want to have children with me, don’t you? You are marrying me, aren’t you?”
All eyes were on her. She knew what she wanted to do. She wanted to splash her wine in his face and run for the door. She’d keep running until she reached Nebraska. Her true home. However, she was sitting across from her father at the table. He coughed into a cloth napkin. She couldn’t move.
“Yes, Eugene. Of course,” Hazel answered.
“Thought so. Come on. Give me a real one,” Eugene motioned to his mouth for a kiss.
Hazel didn’t approach him. He was the one to kiss her. Afterwards, she purposely knocked over her drink. “Oh, how clumsy of me. I’ll go get some towels.”
Her father watched her flee from the table. He saw something glimmering in her eye, and it was not happiness. She held it inside while she darted down the hallway. Though she said that she was getting towels, she was truly rushing to the bathroom. Her knees harshly connected with the floor, and her head hung in the toilet bowl.
“I’m feeling sick. I need the parlor,” Mr. Mayer said.
“I’ll take you,” Mrs. Mayer replied.
She pushed him to the opening of the parlor. At that point, he called off his wife. He wheeled himself towards the bathroom. Hazel didn’t hear his quiet wheels approaching. The bathroom door was not completely closed, so he could hear everything. He heard her get sick, and he heard her cry. He hadn’t heard her cry like that since she was a child. It dug into his chest.
He always knew she didn’t want to be with Eugene. Until that moment, he never knew just how much the engagement hurt his daughter. He never knew how much that could hurt him.
Thirty-nine
There were three days that Carolyn hated more than she could say: Valentine’s Day, Thompson’s birthday, and their wedding anniversary. Thompson expected romance, particularly of the physical variety. Unhappily, it was their wedding anniversary. That was the darkest day of them all.
He’d want a feast. She’d spend almost all of her weekly allowance on food, candles, and a new dress. Elmer would never say anything when he rang up her items. He knew what was going to happen, and he knew how badly she didn’t want it. Yet, she held her head held high. The last thing that she wanted was pity.
With the farm cared for, she had her oven working and pots simmering. Her prep work was finished, which meant that she could visit the fields. She hit her flask of whiskey between drags of her cigarette. The horse tried to comfort her with sweet cuddles. It helped, but not enough.
“Can you picture it, kid? Me and her. Standing by some pastor someplace. Putting rings on each other’s fingers. Promising forever and meaning it. We’d have taken that money out of the barn and rode off into that lake ahead of us. Right into the orange sky. You and me and her. A future as her wife. Not his…” Carolyn whispered to the horse. The life that she imagined brought her great happiness, yet it was fleeting. Reality hit. “That can never happen. Ever. I best get in there, kid. Thompson is coming.”
Carolyn went back into the house. The candles were lit, and the table was set. She put on her new dress with disdain. He wanted to see her in something new on these occasions. Her fingers dexterously put her hair into a more elegant style. The makeup came next. Then, she waited.
“I’m home,” his voice called.
Her spine clenched. He walked into the room like a rooster in a hen house. She hated the way that he leered at her. Even more so, she hated how quickly his hands went to her hips. His mouth found the crook of her neck. He tightened his grip when he felt her tense.
“Happy Anniversary, Thompson,” Carolyn squeaked.
“Happy for sure. That’s a mighty feast you’ve got over there. And do I see blackberry pie and a chocolate cake?”
“Your favorites.”
“What a good girl. I hope you stay this good.”
They sat down to dinner. Closely, Carolyn watched his mustache. When it curled, she gulped. “Something wrong, Thompson?”
“Yes. Why haven’t you been making carrots this way before now? This is how you’re supposed to cook them. Keep making them like this.”
“I will.”
“You know, this reminds me of our first anniversary. So long ago now. You made me carrots then too. You said it was because you knew how much I loved them. We used that word more back then. Love. Tell me that you still love me, Carolyn. Tell me you love me and make me believe it.”
Carolyn swallowed deeply. She did her best to pretend well. “I love you.”
“Now tell me that you want me.”
“I want you.”
“Good. You’re going to get me in just a little while. You remember what happened on our wedding night? I tore your wedding dress right off you.”
“I remember,” Carolyn uncomfortably muttered.
“Well, that’s not a wedding dress that you’ve got on. But, I can still rip it right off you. I’ve got strong hands. But, you know that.”
*-*-*-*
“This wedding dress looks better all the time,” Mrs. Miller fluttered with excitement.
Mrs. Mayer fussed over the long veil. “I think so too. Much better after we fixed the bottom half.”
“Do you think that there’s too much lace?” Mrs. Miller asked.
“Hmm. I don’t know. Hazel, give us a spin,” Mrs. Mayer commanded.
Hazel made an unenthusiastic turn in the dress. She stood in her parents’ drawing room. They had been there for two hours. She acted like a mannequin the entire time. The women fluffed, sewed, arranged, and picked at the dress for what felt like the millionth time. It didn’t matter to her. She wasn’t connected to any dress that was connected to her wedding.
She pictured a much simpler dress for herself. When she pictured standing at the altar, Carolyn was across from her. Carolyn wore a simple dress of her own. They’d be married a barn. Maybe the barn where they were first together. Hazel wasn’t sure. She just knew that the fantasy ended with “I do” and galloping away on Carolyn’s horse.
Of course, she knew that wasn’t possible. That didn’t stop her from dreaming.
“I think we only need lace on the collar. The lace around the bodice distracts from the ruffles,” Mrs. Miller commented.
“Yes, I see what you’re saying. I think we need more ruffles, but we should lengthen the train. It would look silly to have ruffles too close together,” Mrs. Mayer said.
“Oh, yes. Yes, that sounds lovely. How are you liking it, dear?” Mrs. Miller asked.
“Me?”
“Yes, Hazel. You,” Mrs. Miller said.
“It’s nice,” Hazel answered.
If the older women paid closer attention, they would have caught the lie. Instead, Mrs. Miller clapped her hands. “Good. It looks a little tight, but I think it will do.”
“I agree. Even if she is heavier these days,” Mrs. Mayer seconded.
Hazel had enough. She checked the clock. “Mother, I should be going. I promised Sally I’d be there for when the girls get home from school.”
“You can’t go yet. You haven’t tried to walk in it,” Mrs. Mayer argued.
“She’s right. Go give it a test,” Mrs. Miller agreed.
Sighing, Hazel did as she was told. She wandered around various rooms of their home. When she passed the parlor, her father’s cough stopped her. She looked over her shoulder to see that he was waving at her. She went to him.
“Good afternoon, Father. How are you feeling?” she tenderly asked.
“I’m fine. You look beautiful.”
“You like the dress? Mother and Mrs. Miller are worried about lace and ruffles.”
“Women,” he affectionally wheezed.
“I hear you. You wouldn’t believe the women I met in church. Gossip in Debarr was a professional pastime.
”
“You honestly liked it there?” he wondered.
“Yes. Very much.”
“Is that why you’re sad?”
Hazel was taken aback. “What do you mean?”
“You’re sad. I heard you get sick.”
“Just nerves. Starting a life with someone is a scary thing,” she tried to cover.
“You’re my daughter, Hazel. I know you.”
“There’s nothing to know.”
“You don’t want to marry Eugene. I’ve known that.”
“Don’t worry about it, all right? I’ll take care of you.”
His eyelids grew lax. “Shouldn’t have to.”
“Well, I am. Rest now. I’ll be back tomorrow. I love you,” she murmured.
“Love you too,” he breathed.
Hazel left once her father was asleep. She went back to the drawing room where Mrs. Miller and Mrs. Mayer were arguing about what sort of flowers would complement the dress. Hazel didn’t listen. She held up her arm.
“Pardon me, but could one of you kindly help me out of the dress? I must get back in time for Annie and Opal.”
Mrs. Mayer helped Hazel. Then, Hazel got dressed and left the home before either woman could stop her. She’d had enough of fashion. She’d had enough of weddings. She’d had enough of it all.
Forty
“Rodger’s done the same route for a few years, and now you’re complaining?” Elmer huffed.
Ronnie glared. “We didn’t have an extra field before. Now, we’ve got one. We need his help, so we need him on the farm.”
“I only have him running deliveries in the morning and afternoon. He has all day other than that,” Elmer hissed.
“We’ve got half the land in this town. We need hands all the time.”
“And I need my deliveries, Ronald. There’s nobody else in town that can do it,” Elmer argued.
“He can come to our farm a little while and then go back to his route. We need him for a few more hours. That’s all.”
“What does he have to say about it?” Elmer asked.
“Nothing. We tell him what to do. You’re lucky I’m saying that he can keep his route at all. Richard wants him in the fields, but I think that he’s just a brat. I don’t want him around much,” Ronnie snapped.
“Your brother is not a brat,” Carolyn growled, having just entered the store.
Ronnie’s eyes narrowed at her. Elmer smirked at Carolyn’s spunk. He thought that it was all but gone. Yet, he knew that she was fond of Rodger. No one was allowed to speak ill of him when she was around.
“Mrs. Jennings, this is a talk between me and Elmer,” Ronnie spat.
“Actually, I need to talk to Mrs. Jennings. The bullets are in the back,” Elmer told him.
Ronnie angrily left the counter. Carolyn raised her eyebrows. “Bullets?”
“Yeah. They’re getting vermin in their fields, so Ronnie’s decided to shoot them all. I say he’s wasting his time. He’s wanting to use his pa’s revolver. Dummy. I tried telling him it’d be easier with a rifle. He thinks I’m some stupid old fool. I don’t much care. He’s the fool.”
“That he is. What’d you need to talk to me about?” Carolyn asked.
“I got something in the mail that you might be interested in,” Elmer told her.
Her pulse raced. “A letter?”
“Mhm. It’s a letter. And, it’s for you,” he confirmed.
“Is it from…?”
“Look for yourself,” he smiled.
He handed her the envelope. She didn’t have to read the return address. Hazel’s handwriting was unmistakable. Carolyn excitedly kissed Elmer on the cheek. Ronnie noticed her enthusiasm. It undoubtedly peaked his interest. Carolyn didn’t care who saw her. She was too overjoyed to care.
“Can you keep the letter here for just a few minutes? I need to get some juice and a couple other things,” she asked.
“Of course. Go on. It’s safe with me,” Elmer promised.
Once Carolyn moved away from the counter, Ronnie stepped forward with his bullets. Subtly, he glanced at the letter. Elmer had it pushed to the side behind the register, but he didn’t hide it well enough. Ronnie saw the envelope with ease. The return address is what reached him.
Hazel Mayer
18 Elm Lane
Boston, Mass.
“Well? Is that all?” Elmer asked.
Ronnie watched Carolyn hum and skip through the store. He wasn’t as big of a fool as Elmer thought. The young man knew that even the best of friends wouldn’t shine over a single letter. He knew that shine. Most women lit up like that when he spoke to them. Could it be that Carolyn and Hazel were more than friends? Could it be that small-town Debarr was home to a sinner like that?
After the way Hazel had rejected him, after the way Carolyn aggressively defended Rodger, after the way the Bible defined right and wrong, Ronnie had to know the truth. As one of the influential people in Debarr, it was his duty to know. He was always one who enjoyed a little revenge too. Nobody rejected him or spoke down to him. Nobody.
“I don’t need anything else, Elmer,” Ronnie said. He cradled the bullets in his hand.
*-*-*-*
At home, Carolyn bolted up the porch steps and dashed into the living room. She dropped onto the couch and tore into the envelope from Hazel. Her hands were shaking as she unfolded the paper.
To my dearest sweetheart,
My heart is breaking. I miss you more than I could ever express. Things are so different here. It isn’t home. Your farm. Your arms. That is my home. I want to come back.
My father is so ill, Carolyn. It’s beyond difficult to see. I want him to get better, to live, so I must go through with this. Eugene isn’t here yet. He will be by the time you’re reading this. I dread it. I’ll feel like I’m being unfaithful to you every time he kisses me.
I love you. I love every second that we had together. I’ll always remember when we made love in that barn in the pouring rain. It was one of the best moments of my life. The best moment in my life was when we met. I wouldn’t change anything that’s happened, except this ending.
You don’t have to write if you don’t want to, or don’t believe that you should. I just wanted to tell you all of this. You’re my soul, sweetheart. I mean that.
Sincerely yours,
Hazel
Carolyn used her knuckle to wipe the tears from her cheeks. Steadying herself, she went into the kitchen. She opened the cupboard where she stored Pride and Prejudice. There, she meticulously slid the letter and envelope between the pages. The last thing that she needed was for that letter to be found by her husband.
Afterwards, she searched the house for a piece of paper and an envelope. She had to turn the house upside-down to find a pen, particularly one that still worked. Her hands delicately spread the piece of paper on her kitchen counter. She began to write.
To my darlin,
You can’t really think I wouldn’t write. I’m not fancy like you are but I’ll try to write something pretty.
I miss you all the time. The farm isn’t right without you. I think about meeting you and being with you to. I’ve never been happy like I am when I’m with you. But I know you got to do what you got to do.
I love you to. I’d be with you if I could. Youre more than my soul. You got all of me.
Yours,
Carolyn
I think the horse misses you to.
Carolyn thought about her letter. She analyzed her words and hoped that her grammar was acceptable, though she knew it wasn’t quite right. Then, she slipped the letter into the envelope. She knew Hazel’s address from the envelope that Hazel sent.
There was no way that Carolyn could stand waiting. She had to go back to Elmer’s store immediately. Her truck skidded into the road when she left. It skidded even harder when she reached Elmer’s parking lot. She flew through the door.
“Elmer,” she breathlessly said.
“Easy, Carolyn. What’s happened?”
“I have something for you,” Carolyn said.
Unbeknownst to her, Ronnie was in the store again. He bought the wrong caliber of bullets, naturally. Elmer forgot that Ronnie was back. He was too concerned with Carolyn’s business.
“What do you have?” Elmer asked her.
“You know what it is,” she answered as she gave him the envelope.
He nodded. “I thought that this might be it. How fast do you want this to get to Boston?”
“As soon as it can get there,” she replied.
“It takes some money,” he warned her.
“I’d rather go without lunch for a week and get it to her than wait,” she assured him.
“All right. I’ll get that post working. I need you to fill out the paperwork for me.”
Carolyn began to fill out the paper. Elmer put the postage onto the envelope and then added it to his stack of outgoing mail. Carolyn returned the piece of paper, smiling.
“I’m glad for you,” Elmer said to Carolyn.
“Paper isn’t a person, but it’s better than nothing,” Carolyn responded.
Elmer and Carolyn shared a brief grin before Carolyn left. Ronnie waited for a few seconds before approaching the register. Elmer was startled.
“Oh. I forgot you came in here.”
“Yeah, I’m real quiet when I want to be. These should be the right bullets. Say, could you check your gas pump out there? I need some gas in my truck and it didn’t work last time.”
Elmer sighed. This wasn’t the first complaint that he had about the pump. Thus, he had no idea that Ronnie was fooling him. “All right. I’ll check.”
“Thanks,” Ronnie said.
Once Elmer was gone, Ronnie leaned across the counter. First, he seized Carolyn’s paperwork. On it, she listed that she was sending a letter to Hazel Mayer. He pushed the paperwork into his pocket. When he reached for the letter itself, he heard Elmer’s footsteps. He withdrew his hand and promptly set his money on the counter.
“Pump looks fine,” Elmer told him.
“All right. I think that I’ll wait until tomorrow to get gas. That should be enough for the bullets. I got to go.”
The Way We Are Page 19