by M. J. O'Shea
Kevin did as he was asked and then slumped on the couch and pouted. “I’m such a failure. I was trying to be all romantic and what did I do? Nearly set your damn apartment on fire. At least I’d have known how to put it out.”
Fen couldn’t help it. He leaned over and kissed Kevin. “You’re not a failure. I missed you.”
He went for another kiss. It started small and sweet but ended up breathless. “I missed you too,” Kevin said. “It was a long week here all by myself.”
“You know, I am kind of hungry,” Fen said. He grinned at Kevin.
“Well, our choices are that,” he gestured at the smoking mess on the balcony, “or I could order pizza.”
“As tempting as Pompeii out there looks, I think I’m going to go with pizza. Mario’s sounds fantastic. I’ll get the menu.”
Kevin swatted Fen on the butt as he rounded the corner. It was good to be home.
AN HOUR later, Fen and Kevin had just sat on the couch with their pizza and a few beers when Kevin’s phone rang. He groaned.
“What’s up?”
“Oh, it’s just with all the heat and lack of rain there’ve been a lot of grass fires along the highway. They might want me to come back in.”
Kevin answered his phone and took it into the hallway. Fen’s heart immediately jumped into his throat. Fire? He knew that was Kevin’s job, but he mostly pictured him hanging around the firehouse looking hot in one of his sexy threadbare T-shirts and his uniform pants. The idea of him in an actual fire was pretty scary.
Kevin came back in from the hallway. “I do have to go. Some asshole flicked a cigarette out of their car window and the median grasses went up like the Fourth of July. They’re calling in everyone who can come.”
Fen nodded. He tried to look nonchalant about it, but his pulse skyrocketed. He stood. “Be safe, okay?”
“I will.”
“I’ll wait up for you.”
Kevin shook his head. “Babe, it could be morning before I get back.”
“Just when you come back, come here, okay? I want to know you’re safe.”
Kevin reached out and cupped Fen’s jaw and then kissed him. “I will.”
AFTER KEVIN left, Fen sat on his couch and stared at his uneaten chicken and artichoke pizza. It was usually his favorite, but even the smell wasn’t appetizing. His stomach churned and he couldn’t seem to take a deep breath.
Calm down. It’s his job. He’s a professional at this.
The minute he managed to slow his pulse, the image of Kevin out there, engulfed in wildfire and unable to escape, jumped into his head. He did the only thing he could think of.
BEN ANSWERED after a few rings. “Hey, how was your flight home?”
“Oh. Fine. What are you doing?”
“Just some lesson planning. The second summer session starts tomorrow and I wanted to get a few new projects ready for my kids who are staying on from the first course.”
“That’s cool.” Fen tried to keep the tightness out of his voice. It was good just to talk to Ben, to hear a familiar voice and be distracted from his panic. Fen would be content to listen to Ben blab about his gallery’s community art outreach program for the rest of the night if it would keep his mind off of Kevin and what danger he could potentially be in.
“Dude, what’s wrong? I just talked to you a few hours ago and you sound stressed. I know your stress voice.”
Fen took a deep breath. “Just….”
“What?”
“Kevin and I were having pizza for dinner, right? And he got called in. There are huge brushfires out on the highway. I guess it’s gotten bad, and I’ve been sitting here worrying about it, and I needed to talk to someone, that’s all. Sorry if I’m bugging you.”
“Fen, shhh.” Fen heard the understanding in Ben’s voice. “You’re really worried aren’t you?”
“Wouldn’t you be if Jeremy, Ro, or I were out there?” Terrified was more like it. Those fires spread, well, like the wildfires they were. He only hoped that the firemen knew how not to get caught in the path.
“Hell, yes. Want me to stay on the line for a little while?”
That’s why he loved Ben. “Yes please. I just need a distraction.”
Ben stayed on the line with Fen and talked to him about dumb stuff for nearly an hour. Even though they’d just spent the past week together, they didn’t run out of things to talk about. Fen was grateful for the distraction. Ben seemed to know exactly what he needed—idle chatter and anecdotes about their day.
Fen wondered if this wasn’t the time he should tell Ben. “I’m worried because Kevin’s my friend. But I’m worried too, because right about now he’s usually in bed with me.” The words almost came out of his mouth. They nearly did. But then he remembered that by the time Ben came home from LA for the holidays, Kevin would be long gone, so he didn’t say anything. He just joked halfheartedly until it was too late to keep Ben on the phone, and he let him go.
Fen put the pizza and beer away untouched and went back out to his couch. He had the momentary thought that it was too weird to go in his room and sleep alone, but he pushed it right out of his head. In a month or so it would be his room again, no Kevin, no anyone. Better not to get too used to someone else being in there.
He tried to watch the movie he and Kevin had lined up on Netflix, but it was too hard to concentrate. He just stared at the ceiling and wondered how the hell people who were actually married to firemen did it. If it was a regular day, fine, but how did they survive the wait every time something happened?
Ten turned to eleven, and reports of the blaze were on the news. Fen tried to see Kevin, but all there was on the scene was chaos and more black smoke than he’d ever seen in his life. He turned the television off. It wasn’t helping anything. Soon eleven slipped into midnight, and before Fen knew it, it was five in the morning and the sky was starting to get that foamy lavender predawn glow. His phone buzzed in his pocket.
I know you’re worried, babe. I’m okay and on my way home.
Fen breathed deep for the first time since dinner. He heated up the pizza; it was doubtful that Kevin had eaten much when he was out battling the fire. He nearly choked up again when Kevin walked in the door. He was all sooty and dirty, and he looked like he’d sweated through about five shirts. Fen didn’t give a shit. He ran over and hugged him, dirt, sweat, and all.
“Hey.” He ran his hands over Kevin’s body, checked for burns and scrapes, assured himself that he was fine.
Kevin smiled tiredly. “I’m fine. I swear. I just want some dinner, a long shower, and you in bed afterwards. Preferably until noon.”
“Other than the fact that I have to get up in four hours for work, done.”
“You have to go?”
Fen sighed. “I wish I didn’t, but Regina has two big parties tomorrow and I have to do the deliveries with her. If it was a normal day, I’d stay home in a heartbeat.”
“Do I at least get shower time?”
“Of course.”
HE COULDN’T keep it in anymore. Not after the night he’d had worrying about Kevin’s safety. He’d been so relieved to see him, it was like a floodgate had opened. All Fen wanted to do was think about Kevin, talk about him. He needed to tell someone. It had been hard to act platonic when he’d talked about Kevin to the guys in LA. It was hard to act platonic, period, especially when all he thought about half the time was Kevin’s touch or his voice, or the way he laughed openly at the dumb cartoons Fen thought were hilarious too. He wanted to brag about Kevin, and gush like a kid over the way he kissed.
Fen was a little disgusted with himself to be honest. But he still wanted to talk about it with someone before he dissolved into tired, worried, giddy little particles of lust. Kevin was fine. The long night was over. But it didn’t feel right to keep the whole thing to himself anymore. Fen still felt weird about saying it.
The bell over the shop door jingled, which was surprising. He hadn’t scheduled any appointments for Regina this morning, si
nce he’d known they planned to be dealing with the two deliveries in a few hours, and while they got walk-ins, it usually wasn’t so close to opening.
“Fen?”
Rory. Shit. He’d probably talked to Ben and he had also probably been trying to call all morning. Hopefully it hadn’t woken Kevin up.
“I’m back here,” he called from the workroom. Regina had left in a rush for her consultation, so he’d decided to clean her work area for her while she was gone. It’s cool. Just… it’s cool. It was probably just the opening he was looking for anyway. He wanted to tell someone. He wanted to talk about what the hell was going on with him. Rory was the understanding sort. Maybe he’d be the perfect guy to break it to first.
“What’s been going on with you today? I got some cryptic message from Ben about how I should call you and I’ve been trying to get a hold of you but you’re not answering your phone.”
“Yeah. Sorry. I got all the way here before I realized I never took it off my charger. Phone’s at home.”
“What was wrong last night?”
Fen felt the blush rise on his cheeks. “It’s a bit of a long story.”
Rory grabbed a box of roses and a pair of clippers. He filled a bucket of water and added some of his mother’s feeding solution to it. “I’ve got time,” he said. He sat at his mother’s stool. “Talk.”
Fen looked at the clock. It was nearly an hour before he could rationally start getting ready for the wedding delivery. Plus, he did want to talk. Rory had just given him his big chance. Fen cleared his throat. “So you remember all those times Ben gave me shit for wanting to go to the Sugarshack?”
His palms were sweating, his throat felt sticky. Jesus, it’s Rory, get a hold of yourself. Fen thought he might never have been so nervous in his life. He didn’t even know why.
Rory chuckled. “Yeah, said one day you were going to end up going home with a dude.”
Fen laughed nervously.
“So, well. Um….” Really. How hard can it be? “Rory, I’m seeing a guy.” There. Done.
“Fen, babe. Just spit it out.” Rory put down the rose he was trimming and clapped Fen gently on the back.
“Okay, maybe he was a little bit right.” There. That wasn’t so hard.
“A little bit right?”
“I liked looking at the guys. I always have. Actually—”
“Wait, I thought you were straight.” Fen was pretty sure he could see all of his and Ben’s cuddles floating through Rory’s mind. “Aren’t you?”
“Well, yeah. Maybe… sometimes?” Pound-pound-pound. His pulse wouldn’t give him a rest.
Rory looked tense. He cleared his throat. “Please tell me this conversation isn’t you trying to tell me you’ve always wanted Ben. I know you guys are close, but I can’t handle that.”
“No!” Fen nearly choked on his horrified laughter. “Oh my God, no. I mean, not that he’s not gorgeous, and you’re gorgeous too, you’re both super hot, but you guys are my friends. No. Just no.” Fen realized he was babbling.
Rory laughed. He looked more relieved than Fen had ever seen him. “Okay, so you’re not quite straight, but you don’t want Ben and you don’t want me, which is good because that would be pretty damn awkward. What is it?”
“You know that girl I’ve been seeing? The one I haven’t been talking about?” Rory nodded. “Um, his name is Kevin.”
It was Rory’s turn to choke. “Wait, Kevin, Kevin? Like our Kevin?”
“Well, he’s my Kevin technically, but yeah.”
“You’re… seeing him?” Fen could see Rory mentally adding up all their conversations and nights with Kevin, trying to find the moment he should’ve seen it. “I mean, you guys flirted ridiculously, but you flirt with us too. I didn’t know it was anything different.”
“Yeah, it is. Wait, you think I flirt with you guys?” That was news to him.
“Of course. It’s nothing meaningful, you’re just a flirtatious person. That’s why I didn’t think anything of it when you were like that with him.”
“Oh. Well, I guess it did mean something that time.”
Rory looked bemused.
“And you know he lives in San Diego. He’s just here for the summer for work so it can’t go anywhere, but I like him, and… ugh.” Ugh pretty much summed up the whole conversation. He wanted to get it over with. He also strangely wanted to gush about Kevin to someone. Rory seemed the safest bet.
“You’re dating a guy… damn. Didn’t see that coming. How could I not have seen it? It’s so obvious now that I think about it.”
“I thought you just said I’m like that with everyone.”
“Well, you are, but looking back, I guess it was different. I don’t know. I should’ve known. Ben would’ve known.”
Fen squeaked. Just a little. “Please don’t tell Ben.”
“Oh, come on,” Rory said with a groan. “You can’t do that to me. Wait, if that wasn’t the reason Ben called me, what was?”
“Oh, I kind of freaked out a bit last night. Kevin was in a big fire and he was gone until dawn. It was just scary.”
Rory’s eyes bugged out. “Is he okay?”
“Yeah, but I just kept picturing the worst. Bad habit, I guess.”
“Fen, if you’re with Kevin, why didn’t you tell us? Why didn’t you tell Ben? Last night was pretty much the perfect opportunity.”
Fen shrugged. “I was worried and I guess I don’t know what to say to him.”
“Pretty much the same thing you just said to me? ‘Ben, dude, I’m dating Kevin. The boys love him. You don’t have to worry about him taking away your platonic spouse status, which by the way, he’s totally worried about. And that can be the end of the conversation.” Rory rolled his eyes.
“You know it wouldn’t be.”
“He’s not going to judge you for it, for Christ’s sake. He might give you some shit because he’s Ben and you’re you, but Ben wants you to be happy. Just like you want for him. Bottom line, he’ll be happy for you. Give him a chance.”
“I’m not ready to say anything to anyone else. I just…. Kevin was supposed to be a bit of fun for the summer, right? Try something new, keep it light. But I’m kind of falling for him. I don’t know what to do.”
Rory’s face went a bit sympathetic at that. “C’mere.” He pulled Fen into a long hug. Fen had learned over the past year of friendship that Rory gave the best hugs, warm and tight and heartfelt. Fen leaned into it. “I’m sorry he’s leaving. Maybe there’s some way you guys can work it out.”
Fen shook his head against Rory’s chest. “It’s not like that with us. He’s not looking for anything either. I don’t want our last few weeks to be weird.”
“How long has this been going on?” Rory drew back from the hug and gave Fen a quizzical look.
Fen felt his annoyingly pale, freckled cheeks turn hot pink. “Since June,” he mumbled.
Rory looked like he was somewhere between laughter and strangulation. “Oh, you’re an asshole. You’ve got like two days to call Ben.”
“No, Rory please. I’m serious. I need to figure this out in my head before I get Ben or Jeremy involved.”
“Can I tell Pinky?” Rory smirked.
“No. Jesus. Tell her and it’ll be in the first staff newsletter next month.”
Rory sighed. “Seriously, though, you can’t ask me to hide shit from Ben. We’re so new and things are great with us. I’ll give you a couple days to figure things out, but you gotta tell him, okay?”
Fen sighed. “Okay.”
Chapter 8
ANOTHER FIRST for Fen: the ever-so-meaningful romantic weekend getaway. For real. He tried to think of a time when he’d even been tempted to do anything even remotely like it, but nothing had ever come close. He brought a girl once to a family reunion—then the next year he brought Ben. Thinking back, that might have been a bit confusing for some of his family. But he’d never done anything so unabashedly romantic and spur of the moment, and he hadn’t even flinc
hed at the thought of it. He’d been looking forward to the weekend ever since Kevin brought it up. Vineyard tour, biking, dinner, and walking around in tiny little downtown Napa, plus a room in a pretty bed-and-breakfast. It was ridiculously romantic and even a little girly if you asked him, but it was still somehow exactly perfect.
They took Kevin’s Jeep and tossed their bikes in the back. It wasn’t as hot as it had been earlier in the summer. The winds had picked up and a few days of rain had cooled down the earth. It was a relief in so many ways. Especially for Kevin. If the brush fires had continued, he wouldn’t have been able to leave. Fen’d had quite a few sleepless nights while Kevin was out battling them down.
Still, as they drove south along the freeway, there were big black sores of burnt earth that reminded Fen of the long week and a half that Kevin, and he, had both had. Fen was nearly to the point of joining the volunteer force just so he’d know where the hell Kevin was and how dangerous the situation had grown. If the rain hadn’t finally come, falling just long enough to turn the runaway fires into smoldering, smoking messes, he’d probably be out there with him right that moment.
Kevin reached across his center console and threaded his fingers with Fen. “Are you going to get a massage? I hear there’s an awesome spa a few blocks from our hotel.”
Fen snorted louder than he’d meant to.
“What?” Kevin looked a bit hurt.
“I just heard ‘massage’ and ‘spa’ come out of the mouth of a twenty-three-year-old firefighter. Are you going to suggest manis and pedis next?”
“Such stereotyping. Jeesh.” Kevin rolled his eyes. “I like nice things, you know.”
“Like beer and PlayStation.”
“Thai food, green tea, and massages. Especially if the therapist is hot.”
Yeah. Jealous. That was quick. Fen mentally chastised himself for being a moron. It’s not like he didn’t check out a hot guy or girl every once in a while. He’d done it back when he had girlfriends. Difference is, he wouldn’t want to touch them now. He didn’t want to touch anyone but Kevin. It was starting to scare him.