My Sister's Detective

by T. J. Jones

  I'm not a judge of what seventeen-year old girls find interesting in men, and I hadn't had any reason to wonder about it for twenty some years. Whatever it was, when I was that age, I didn't have it. Back then I was too busy mooning over the increasingly beautiful Angela Jeffries to be concerned about what mortal teenaged girls considered attractive. Pretty sure it wasn't obese bikers twice their age, but none of them had blue hair, much less half a head of it.

  Cletus dropped into a chair and popped open a beer, glared in my direction for a moment, then went back to gazing fondly at Jasmine. I watched him watch her for a minute as she chatted with Maggie. His eyes followed her every movement and he smiled slightly at each new inflection of her voice. He actually broke into a small grin when she laughed at something Maggie said. Maybe that's what she liked about him, he worshipped her. He glanced back at me and saw that I was looking at him. He leaned forward and stood quickly, then popped the clasps loose on his bibs.

  "You probably want to call a mechanic about that plane, you might get somebody out tomorrow if you call right away. Saturday, it's going to cost you. Jaz, Sweetie, I'm going to get out of these bibs, they're too damn hot. Then I'll start the charcoal."

  "Thanks Babe." She called out as he lumbered back to a door on one end of the great room that I presumed was a bedroom. The endearment made me cringe inwardly and I turned my attention back to what Maggie and the young girl were talking about.

  "We're having the wedding outside and Slater's boss is going to marry us. I don't know if that's something lawyers can just do, or if he has to be an online minister or something. But he's going to make Slater partner in the law firm, as kind of a wedding present."

  "That's so cool, how'd you two meet?"

  Maggie threw her head back and laughed loudly. "Drunk one night at a frat party in college. I can't even remember it, but we woke up in bed together the next morning and we've been together ever since. Don't know what it is, but I love the big dope."

  "She calls me things like that all the time." I smiled when Jasmine looked in my direction. I was feeling pretty good about myself, suddenly being engaged, a lawyer and all. "I don't think she really means it."

  "Oh please, you know how much I love you." She made a kissy face, which I thought was over the top, but Jasmine laughed.

  "Someday, maybe I'll have that. Cletus is great, but it's not a long-term thing. Kind of like the hair, just making a statement I guess."

  "I love your hair." Maggie gushed. "I would never have the guts to do that."

  "I'm going out and try to call a mechanic, I don't need to listen to you two talk about your hair." The girl had given Maggie an opening and I wanted to leave them alone, let the girl-talk work its way back to their respective man troubles. Sexist, I know. Ideally, seeing how happy Maggie was in the white bread world we were presenting would send Jasmine running back to her grandmother, ready to go back to school and move on with her privileged life. And really, I couldn't imagine any girl not wanting to be like Maggie.

  I walked out onto the porch with my cellphone in my hand. Tracy had joined Doug on the porch and they were both sprawled out in their rocking chairs passing a joint back and forth. Tracy held it up and raised an eyebrow. I waved a hand to pass and she shrugged and squeezed off the end of the doobie to extinguish it. Doug nodded at me and grinned. "Could you take us for a plane ride later? That would be far out."

  "Yeah, maybe if I can get a mechanic up here and get it running right."

  "Far out." He grinned and returned his gaze to the field and the green giraffes that were undoubtedly running around in his brain. I walked out toward the Piper and made a few imaginary phone calls, then I climbed in the plane, set the fuel mixture extra rich and turned it over a few times. It was still hot from the flight in, so it flooded quickly, coughed a time or two, then backfired sharply. All as expected. I climbed out and got on my phone again and paced back and forth like I was aggravated. Sidecar and his wife walked up, walked around the plane, then came over to talk to me.

  "No luck huh? Are you going to take the car into town?"

  "Not sure, pretty far out to call a Taxi."

  "We were thinking of going in tonight ourselves, but we can't find a place to stay this late without paying a small fortune. This isn't our kind of deal."

  "Oh? I figured you were all old friends."

  "Not really. Cletus worked for me a few years back. I'm an electrical contractor, and he invited us to ride down with him. He's not the same guy that worked for me, all the drugs and partying, we're not into that stuff. He's gotten a little crazy."

  "Batshit crazy, but I always said he was." Mrs. Sidecar agreed wide-eyed. I struggled, then remembered her name was Gracie. "He's always snorting something, I don't even want to know what."

  "So Gracie, have you talked to the girl? She looks pretty damn young to be running around with a guy like that. Is she okay?" I asked.

  "I have no idea what she's doing with that moron. Good drugs? She seems really bright, and most of the time he acts like he's scared of her."

  Sidecar snickered. "He's whipped, and that little girl is a ballbuster. He wanted to bring more riders but she said no. They got into it on the way down here and it was really ugly, but she got right in his face and told him what for. We were close to just sneaking off and riding down to the rally on our own, but I don't know if I trust him with her. If the pea flips, he might do something to her. He's got a terrible temper, and when he goes off it's not pretty. That's why I had to let him go from work, he got into it with two of my other guys and beat the hell out of them both. Put one of them in the hospital."

  "Why are you even with him?"

  "He apologized and paid the guy's bills. He's just one of those people, really funny once you get to know him and great to talk to, but I think he does speed or something. When he's on that shit you just want to get away from him. You be careful if he gets mad. You're a good-sized guy and everything, but he's a whole lot tougher than he looks, and quick as a cat. I've heard of him all but killing guys before, and he's got a gun."

  "Jasmine won't let him wear it. Makes him keep it in his backpack." Gracie snickered.

  "Ballbuster, like I said." Sidecar nodded. "If I was you, I'd take the car like he said. Once they get to drinking, they might start fighting and you don't want to get in the middle of that."

  I frowned for their benefit. "He's going to wind up hurting her at some point. How long have they been together? And how old is she?"

  "Jaz says they met last summer, but they've only been together for a few weeks, shacking up I mean. She says she's eighteen, but I wouldn't bet on it." Gracie muttered.

  "Maggie and her are yakking away like their best buddies already, maybe she can talk some sense into her. This is her grandparent's place?"

  "She told me it's her grandmothers, that her Mom is out of the picture but that she really loves her grandma. Said she just needed a vacation from it all."

  Sidecar nodded toward the house where the overstuffed biker was squirting lighter fluid on the grill. "Cletus said her family has more money than God. I think he figures he can get his hands on some of it. But I don't think he's in it for the dough, I think the crazy bastard is really in love with her. But she's a ballbuster, I'm telling you."

  We walked back up to the house. Everything Brandon and his wife said jived with what I knew, which was reassuring. There was no way, psycho biker or not, that I wanted to take Jasmine out of there if she wasn't willing to go. I was hoping Maggie could work some magic.

  As we walked up to the porch Cletus leaned in to light the grill. The evening sun still had some heat to it and the lighter fluid must have vaporized enough to create a sizeable fireball when Cletus put a match to it. He jumped back, swearing and shaking his hand. The air smelled vaguely of burnt hair and he slapped his hand against his leg quickly to quench a small fire that had started on the sleeve of the shirt he had just changed into.

  From his observation post in the rocker Doug l
aughed wildly as if the whole incident was performance art put on just for his pleasure. He couldn't, or wouldn't stop laughing and even clapped his hands and said "Far out" over and over like a scraggly haired John Denver wannabe. I was sure, if Cletus had the explosive temper Sidecar claimed he did, being laughed at when he was on fire would set him off.

  I think it was close, but he and Doug must have had a history together, some bond formed over drug fueled episodes going back into their childhood. Cletus shot a dirty look at Doug, who, when he realized he had been noticed, laughed even harder. Rather than the explosion I had imagined, Cletus turned back to the grill and squirted more lighter fluid on the charcoal, running backwards as the flame chased him across the yard and attempted to engulf his arm, the can and the dry grass at his feet.

  At this point, we were all laughing uproariously, Doug had literally collapsed and fallen off his rocker, and even Cletus was giggling like a teenage girl. Unfortunately, the only real teenaged girl around was not amused.

  Jasmine Thatcher came flying out of the house screaming at the top of her lungs, calling Cletus, Doug, and all of us as a group, any and every name she could think of and a few she manufactured. Cletus looked like he had been poleaxed, and even Doug managed to swallow his mirth, containing it to an occasional snort while he listened to the tiny blue haired girl deliver her lecture.

  "You burn down my grandmother's house you dumb son of a bitch, and I will personally hire five guys to beat you to a bloody pulp before I send your sorry, no good ass back to that shit hole where I found you." It was a lot longer, and there was a lot more swearing, most of which I can't remember, then she spun around and slammed her way back into the house.

  Sidecar poked me with an elbow. "See? Ballbuster."

  ***

  Maggie and Jasmine came out after another fifteen minutes with a plastic tablecloth and silverware and started covering a picnic table that sat in the yard. They were fighting the breeze so I got up and went to help them weight down the flimsy plastic with enough plates to keep it from blowing away.

  Maggie surprised me by grabbing my hand suddenly and wrapping me into a hug, followed by a long steamy kiss. "Thanks honey." She said aloud, then leaned next to my ear. "We're the happy couple, Jasmine's watching."

  "Anytime." I said aloud and leaned against her again, kissing her a little longer than necessary, considering it was supposed to be just for show.

  When she came up for air, she gave me an honest blush and a bemused smile. "Enough, save something for the honeymoon."

  "You two are so damn cute together." Jasmine chuckled, throwing down more silverware on the table. I saw her looking at Cletus from the corner of her eye. I may not know seventeen-year old girls, but I knew that look. Cletus was history.

  The hotdogs and brats were great and it seemed like we had all bonded over our shared experience of being schooled by an angry child. Her anger didn't last and soon we were all seated around the picnic table, gorging ourselves on the food, drinking beer, and talking like we were old friends. Even Cletus managed to break a smile and lift himself from his intermittent drug enhanced melancholy to talk and tell a couple of funny stories. I could see why Sidecar said what he had said, and I had to remind myself that the guy was basically a rapist in any state where it wasn't considered acceptable to marry your cousin. He could be engaging, and a small part of me felt sorry for him.

  The pot came out after supper. We carried everything inside then all sat around the big kitchen table to talk some more and of course Doug pulled out a bag of his best. Maggie and I both passed. I never was a pot guy and I was relieved that Maggie didn't join in, if for no other reason than we both needed to keep our wits about us. I was sitting next to Doug who passed me the joint and mumbled something about being a bummer when I didn't take a toke. Surprisingly, Sidecar and his wife both inhaled eagerly.

  He looked over at me and grinned. "What's a little marijuana, it'll make me sleep good." My guess was that Doug and his significant other wouldn't have any trouble sleeping. After a couple rounds, Jasmine and Cletus passed, then Sidecar and his wife. Doug kept smoking until he burned his fingers. Jasmine stood up and started picking up the plates and Maggie helped her.

  "Maggie and Slater are staying the night." Jasmine said to no one in particular. "I'm going to hang around here tomorrow and skip the rally." That was directed at Cletus.

  "We can talk about it." Cletus said levelly.

  Jasmine was having no part of it. "What's to talk about? They may need a ride to town, and I'm sick of looking at fucking motorcycles. Also, I'm sick of you thinking you can tell me what to do."

  "Alright Jaz, whatever you want." He said it calmly enough, then sat there like a petulant child, shooting ugly looks at me, Maggie, and Jasmine in turn. I could see it building. "I thought you and I were going to make a week of it." He finally erupted loudly.

  "I don't want to go, so I'm not." Jasmine said matter-of-factly.

  "Jaz, Honey?" Anger hadn't worked, now there was pleading in his tone, and for a moment, I felt bad for him again. "What's going on?" He asked her softly.

  "I don't think I can keep doing this, I told you that before, I think maybe I have to go home."

  She dropped the dishes she had in her hands and ran suddenly to the bedroom. He jumped up and followed but she had locked the door. The rest of us sat there, trying to pretend we weren't listening as he pleaded with her to open the door, alternating between begging and demanding until she finally relented and let him in. I looked around the table. Sidecar put an arm around his wife and shrugged, Maggie basically made the same gesture, and Doug scratched his ragged beard thoughtfully and said. "Bummer."

  I volunteered to help Maggie with the dishes since everybody else was stoned and only had enough energy to disappear up the stairs to their respective bedrooms.

  "Where are we supposed to sleep, and what's the plan?" I asked her quietly as I took a plate to dry.

  "She said she's been wanting to end it for a couple weeks, but he's totally obsessed with her. She's afraid, not so much of him, but for him. A little of both. She really thinks he might flip out and kill himself if she leaves."

  "So all this was for nothing? She was going to go home anyway?"

  "Maybe, maybe not. Look at it this way, we're getting five grand between us and you got to make out with me. Besides, wanting to leave and leaving are two different things. I wanted to leave Richie for two years and the only reason I finally did was because he told me he'd knocked up his secretary. A hundred bucks says he's in there being sweet and reminiscing, reminding her of all the fun they've had. If that doesn't work, he'll move on to begging, then probably anger and intimidation."

  "That won't go well, did you hear her before? Sidecar was right, that little girl's a ballbuster."

  "Who the hell is Sidecar? And a what?"

  "Okay, not politically correct, I know. Let's just say she's headstrong, like her grandmother said. Sidecar is Brandon, how could you not get that?"

  "I don't get a lot of what you say, Slater." She flicked some soap at me. There was no noise coming from the other end of the house and I wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not.

  "Did you tell her who we really are, that Maryanne sent us?"

  "No. That would just make her mad. Once she decides for sure to go home, maybe we can tell her. If we tell her before she makes up her mind about Cletus she might run again and stay with him. Girls don't always think logically when they're seventeen."

  "Seventeen huh? Does it ever change?" I got a soap bath that time which didn't stop me. "At least the kissing was hot, where do we sleep, Honey?"

  ***

  It was a long night. There was a small bedroom tucked behind the kitchen that I wasn't even aware of and there was just enough room for a dresser and a double bed. I suggested we sleep in our clothes just in case we had to make a run for it in the middle of the night. Really, I couldn't see both of us in that bed, undressed to any degree, without me embarrassing mysel
f. Double beds are made for kids, not two adults that are painfully aware every time their bodies come in contact. Again, maybe that was just me.

  The yelling started about four in the morning and went on for an hour. I don't know how Maggie slept through it but she did. She buried her face deeper under the covers and pressed up against me for warmth, which was excruciating and nice at the same time. I listened to the couple fighting on the far end of the house for another ten minutes, then there was an ominous silence. I got up and went out into the great room on the pretext of using the bathroom. No one was in the big living room when I went in, but when I came back out, I could see Cletus sitting on the couch. It looked like he might have been crying. There was a line of white powder on the coffee table, so that's not all he was doing.

  "You alright?" I knew he didn't like me, but I thought we had bonded over a flaming barbeque grill.

  He looked up at me coldly. "Go back to bed, asshole."

  At six thirty I heard noise, footsteps on the open stairs that went to the second floor. I eased out of the bed and went out into the kitchen. The spot where Cletus had been on the couch was empty, and the master bedroom door was standing open. Sidecar and his wife, each with a small piece of luggage in their hands, were standing by the front door talking to Jasmine. I walked over and shook hands with the pair, and remembered to call Sidecar, Brandon.

  "If you're ever in Fargo, look me up. We're heading into town to the rally. You guys going to be okay, Jasmine?"

  "No way he and I were going to last much longer anyway, you know that. He's outside sulking, but I'm done. I'm going to tell Doug and Tracy they can camp out here in the field if they want, Cletus too. I'll take Grandma's car and give these guys a lift to town, then head back to Jacksonville and see if she'll take me back."

  Sidecar and his wife drove away waving and Jasmine and I went back inside. Maggie was up and had coffee brewing. She hugged Jasmine quickly, which started a small waterfall of tears from the blue haired teenager.