by Maren Cooper
But Jess didn’t.
She was cleaning up her kitchen later that night, when she flashed back to her fifteen-year-old self, doing her homework at her parents’ kitchen table. Her mother, dressed to go out, patted her shoulder as she walked by; her father, dark with rage, walked into the kitchen.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” These were the first words he’d spoken in days.
“Out. What does it look like?” her mother taunted as she blotted her lipstick.
“Well, you’re not.” “Who’s stopping me?”
Jess could read the signs and was up with her books in her arms and out of the room before the first blow landed—removed from the fray, but not from the guilt that followed, nor from the constant search for self-perfection that she was convinced would keep her parents together.
Chapter 17
The next morning, Jess noticed that the crumpled note was still on the hall table. Nobody had picked it up as a lost item. She unrolled it and saw that it was a golf scorecard for two people. Maybe it was Arthur’s, but hadn’t he gone golfing with Luke and David? This was a tally for just two: Arthur and Jennifer. Who the hell was Jennifer? Did they know a Jennifer? Did Arthur know a Jennifer? Her mind seized on the inexplicable tally and reminded her of his recent late night out. She quickly crumpled it up and threw it in the trash. Whatever this is, I don’t want to know, she told herself.
She was folding the laundry later that day, when Arthur came looking for the shorts he had worn golfing the day before. “Oh, I washed those. They’re in the dryer. But if you’re looking for the golf tally, I threw it away. Who was it you were golfing with again?”
“It was just a pickup round. I went over and joined three guys who needed a fourth. Worked out pretty well.” He grabbed his keys from the kitchen counter, and he and Tom left to pick up the lawn mower from the shop.
Jess got another load of laundry to fold and took the discarded note out of the trash. She looked at it again. “Three guys who needed a fourth”? This scorecard has two names on it, and one of them is a woman’s name. How does this make any sense?
She mulled it over while she put the laundry away, went out to the garden and pulled weeds, and then watered the flowers. She was still mulling it over when the guys came home with the mower. Arthur dropped Tom off and went to the lab. Tom cut the grass. She made a light marinade for chicken, prepared vegetables for grilling, and went for a run, mulling all the while.
They had a family dinner on the deck. The weather was perfect. Her family was together. The kids were healthy and happy, playful with their dad. “So, Dad, how was your golf game yesterday? Are you getting back into the swing of it?”
“Tom, you know even if I haven’t golfed for a year, I could still outplay you. Maybe we should go out this summer. You still have a couple of weeks left before you leave for school—what do you say?”
“Oh, you two.” Beth sighed. “I can see it now: you’ll keep golfing until you fall over if you can’t determine a clear winner. By the way, Dad, who did you golf with yesterday, anyway?”
“Just some guys who needed a fourth,” Arthur responded, suddenly turning his gaze to the backyard to point out a section that Tom had forgotten to trim.
“That is so strange,” Jess said, looking straight at him. “The golf scorecard that fell from your shorts had only two names on it. Beth, could you go get the ice cream and berries and some bowls, please?”
Arthur continued to focus on the lawn, but the wave of surprise that came over him was unmistakable. After pointing out his son’s deficiency, he finally turned to the magnetic force of her eyes, only to quickly look away again and say, “So, Tom, what do you say? A golf game in the near future?”
Jess might have imagined it, but Arthur sounded a little less sure of himself than he had a moment earlier.
“Kids, could you clean up? Your father and I are going to take a walk,” Jess said. Arthur opened his mouth to voice a contrary opinion but, after looking at his wife once more, decided to fall in line.
“Mom, remember you said I could take your car over to Kim’s? I’m leaving right after we finish cleaning up. I won’t be out late. I have to work an early shift tomorrow. Love you guys. Have a good night.” Beth embraced each of her parents as they left the house. Jess held on to the warmth for as long as she could.
It was a quiet walk. Jess was determined that Arthur feel her silence and not just respond to any conversation she made.
He finally started chattering about how good dinner was, and how the marinade for the chicken was new, wasn’t it, and had she used fresh mint, and weren’t they lucky that the farmers’ market was so handy, and wasn’t it nice that their children were so helpful, and had she noticed that the neighbors had put up a new fence, and did she have any idea why? Anything besides the issue at hand.
When she was sure that he was going to talk to her about world hunger, rather than the home front, she made a direct inquiry in a soft, low voice. “Arthur, tell me about golfing yesterday, please. Who is Jennifer?”
“She’s a cardiologist from St. Claire’s. We’ve been working on a project together and just took a little break.”
“So why did you say you were golfing with three guys who needed a fourth?”
“Because I didn’t want to have this conversation right now.” He looked away.
“What conversation is ‘this’?” Jess asked in a near whisper. She wasn’t sure she had the energy to speak out loud. She felt like she was floating and would soon fall to earth and shatter. Her pace slowed. Three steps later, Arthur noticed and paused.
“The conversation we need to have,” he said. “You know I’m not happy. I haven’t been happy for a long time. I don’t think you’re happy, either. We haven’t been happy together for a long time. We need to face the facts. Our marriage is over.” He spoke so evenly and clearly that he could have been in a business meeting with his accountant, rather than with his wife, who was reeling from this revelation.
“Are you having an affair with Jennifer?” Jess struggled to get the question out and wondered if it was even audible.
“Not currently, no. But we were involved.”
Jess gasped and stifled a sob, then turned around to walk the other way, without breaking stride. After a moment, she sensed that Arthur had stopped. She glanced back and saw him head toward home.
When her tears finally stopped, she looked up and realized it was dark and she was not in her neighborhood. It took her a minute to orient herself. She realized she had walked several miles and should start home before the kids worried. As she looked up at the full moon, wiping her eyes, her mind finally seemed to click on the fact that Arthur had just admitted to an affair. And he had done so in a manner that was so matter-of-fact that he obviously hadn’t even thought about how devastating that news might be to her. In fact, he’d been so cavalier about it, she could only assume it was because he was no longer involved with the woman and must not think of it as a big deal.
But also, he had admitted it on the heels of declaring that their marriage was over.
She started to tremble, so much so that she had to focus to put one foot in front of the other. All this time, she had assumed that his despondency was due to the merger and that she was responsible for it. Had she been so blind as to read this inaccurately? Had he left her in the marriage alone while he started his own new path? How stupid could she be?
She beat herself up the whole time she walked home, then sat out on the deck in the dark and was still there when Beth returned. “Mom, what are you doing out here? Are you OK?”
“Just looking at the moon. Isn’t it beautiful?” An idea popped into her head. “Do you want to go to the lake this week?”
“I’d love that, Mom.”
“When could you go?”
“I have three days open this week. Can I invite Kim?” “Yes, do.” She would need some space as she thought through what her next steps should be. The kids would be going to
school in a couple of weeks. She needed to hold herself together until then.
Arthur was sleeping soundly when she finally went to bed in the wee hours of the morning. Fortunately, their king-size bed allowed her a huge, neutral space. She was exhausted and not willing to leave her bedroom. She put a long, decorative pillow sham between them and curled up on her side of the bed. She refused to let him cheat her out of her sleep, when he had cheated her out of so much already.
Home after three nights at the lake, Jess chose to confront Arthur when Beth and Tom were at a birthday party for one of Tom’s friends. She was now ready to have the conversation that she realized she had enabled Arthur to avoid for months.
The grill cover was waving in the wind beyond the screened-in porch, where Jess and Arthur were sitting across from each other, bodies squared off and confrontational. The wind and rain were beginning to start some serious action, but neither of them moved to cover.
“I’m very fond of you. But no, I don’t love you anymore.” He had finally responded to the question she had vowed not to ask.
The answer provoked her anger. “You’re fond of me?” She startled herself with her yelling. She didn’t recognize her own voice. “One is fond of a pet. It’s not a word used to describe a wife. Are you telling me you have no feelings for me at all? You’re tired of me? You’re no longer interested in me as a woman? What are you saying?”
“What I’m saying, Jess, and what I’ve been trying to tell you for the last hour, is that I no longer want to be married to you. I admitted that I’ve been unfaithful to you.” His voice was as controlled as hers was wild.
“How many affairs have there been? Beyond this golfing person, how long has this been going on?”
“You really don’t want to know. What I can tell you is that I am who I am, and I’m sorry for hurting you. And if we stay married, I’ll just go on hurting you.”
The tornado siren went off. Jess jumped. But they remained on the porch, until the phone rang and Arthur walked into the house to pick it up. She could hear enough to know it was Tom or Beth calling in from the party they were at. Arthur told them to stay there until the storm let up.
Jess tried to use the interruption to calm herself and connect with all the good they shared. When Arthur returned, she desperately sought to make eye contact to soften the tone of the conversation.
“Arthur, I’m trying to save our marriage. I hope you can see your way clear to thinking about how to do that yourself. I’m trying to ignore the fact that you’re acting as if you have no desire to do anything to move us to a better place. You seem proud of the fact that you’ve been unfaithful and will continue to be.” As Jess heard her own words, she registered the facts more emotionally and started sobbing loudly.
She stood up and, through ragged sobs and the whipping wind and rain, shouted to be heard. “Do you remember how carefully I asked you about whether you’d marry me for forever? Do you have any idea what your selfishness will do to our children? Have you no ability to put anyone else first? It’s like you’ve resolved to be a bastard, and the rest of us be damned!”
“Jess, I’m very sorry to cause you pain. And of course I’ve thought about the kids. But I know how strong you are and they are. Everyone will be fine. And I have to take care of myself. Once you’ve calmed down, we can have another conversation, but right now we should both go in and get dry.” He stood and left her wet and cold on the porch.
She hated herself for her emotional outburst and, for the first time, faced the reality that it took more than one person to save a marriage. She wasn’t sure how much more effort she could or should make, even for her kids. She herself had never gotten to “fine” after her parents’ divorce.
She carefully pulled the golf scorecard from her jeans pocket and checked to see whether it was still dry. Then she grabbed a slicker and drove to Diane’s, where Diane and Claire were waiting for her.
The streets were slippery with rain, and when she slammed into a pool of water at a nearby intersection, she checked her speed and pulled over so she could calm down, dry her eyes, and take stock. Now she knew: Arthur had no interest in saving the marriage; he was just biding his time.
She turned onto Diane’s street to find no lights on anywhere and a power line down just beyond Diane’s house. She saw flickering lights in the living room, and as she approached the front door, Diane opened it, with Claire on her heels.
“Jess, come in out of this crazy weather. We weren’t sure you could even make it in the storm, but then we saw your headlights. Claire, can you grab a towel?”
Only then did Jess consider that she must look a mess—wet and bedraggled. Moments later, her tears started. They took her slicker, toweled her off, and led her into a candlelit corner of the living room.
When Diane put an afghan around her shoulders and Claire brought her a cup of tea, Jess stopped crying long enough to blurt out, “You two are unbelievable. I’ve been so preoccupied with my own issues over the past several months, I’ve been a terrible friend to both of you, and here you are—here for me on this god-awful night, no questions asked. I don’t deserve you, but boy, do I need you.”
“Hey, it’s OK. It’s a good night for a slumber party, and we’re here, so whenever you want to talk, we’ll listen. And remember, you two were there for me not too long ago. That’s what friends do.” As Claire curled up on the couch opposite Jess, Jess noticed that her baby bump had become visible.
Jess took a deep breath and started. “I’m a fool. It’s not the merger, it’s me. Arthur doesn’t love me anymore . . .”
Diane handed Jess a box of Kleenex and waited.
“And he’s been cheating on me.”
“What?” Claire leaned forward. “How do you know that?”
“He admitted it. Finally.” Jess pulled the crumpled note from her jeans pocket and handed it to Diane. “Do you remember when you found this at my house?”
Diane opened the golf card and read the names: “Arthur and Jennifer. What does that mean?”
“It means that Arthur lied about who he golfed with, and when I confronted him, he admitted that he and this woman had been involved.”
“He admitted that they had been involved, as in past tense?” Claire asked.
“Yes, but after I processed that for a while, I confronted him about other affairs.” Jess wiped her eyes. “He spared me the details but implied that it’s a long list—and that he wants out of our marriage.”
“That bastard.” Claire stood up, and both she and Diane went to sit on either side of Jess. “How long have you been aware of this?”
Jess sensed where Claire’s head was going. “For a few days, but I just had it out with him tonight.”
“It would have helped to know this when you were dealing with Dick.” Claire’s voice was bitter.
“Maybe, but maybe not. I’m not sure I wouldn’t still have wanted to try to save my marriage. You know how I feel about keeping my family solid. I realize I’m a masochist, but I didn’t want to quit on a marriage if I could help it.”
“He certainly is a man of secrets. I’m so sorry he’s treated you this way, Jess—you deserve so much better,” Diane said. “So what now?”
“Now, I try to power through the next few weeks. I can tolerate almost anything to keep a sense of normalcy going until the kids go back to school.”
“Oh, Jess, can you really stay in the house with Arthur after this?” Claire asked.
Jess shared a knowing look with Diane, who responded, “Jess has resilience that has seen her through difficult times before. If she believes this is best for her family, our job is to support her through it. Now, let me call your house, Jess, to let your family know you’re sleeping over because of the powerline problem.”
Chapter 18
The last weeks of summer were a blur of activity. Beth left for Stanford early to start her campus job as a dorm assistant. Tom socialized with his friends right up to the end. Jess hosted a goodbye party for a
ll of them and their parents to celebrate, and to hang on a little longer. Yet all of these emotional activities went on with little emotion from Jess. She knew she couldn’t let herself go even a little, because if she did, she would break. She allowed herself to cry with Diane and Claire some nights, as they handed her tissues, but not at Tom’s party.
“Jess, the garden looks lovely. Isn’t this just the best time of year in St. Louis?” Martha, Zack’s mom, pulled her aside to a private corner. She spoke low and fast. “I’m having a hard time with this. Are you? I feel silly, but this empty-nest thing has me so emotional. It’s like I’ve been looking forward to having some ‘me’ time for years, and now it scares me to think of him gone. I’m worried I’m gonna go crazy.” She laughed almost hysterically, holding Jess’s arm tightly.
Jess pulled from a reserve she thought was nearly gone, laughed softly, and led her friend to the drinks table. “Martha, Martha, just think about not having to drive carpool or attend every baseball game or stay up worrying until your kids get home. And about being able to have a glass of wine before dinner because dinner doesn’t have to be sandwiched between activities . . . Here, have some now.” She handed Martha a glass and gave her an encouraging squeeze. “Just another transition. It will be fine,” she soothed, trying to convince herself, or at least get through the evening.
And, of course, she did get through it. All of it. She counted the days until Tom was safely out of the house. By sheer force of will, she would not show any hint of trouble before both her kids were on their way. She told herself all would be well when they next came home. Just different.
Arthur attempted to engage her in a conversation about the future several times, but she wouldn’t oblige. Finally, he cornered her in the laundry room. “Jess, we need to talk, now. Do you really want to hear news about me from a third party?”