by Maren Cooper
Jess looked through him. “Well, if it were the truth, I guess it would be better than what you might tell me. Why are you so eager to share now, when I practically begged you to let me in not that long ago?”
“Jess, this is very painful for me.”
Struggling to keep her cool, she pushed the basket of dirty clothes into his arms. “Why is this so painful for you, Arthur? Are you the injured party here? Are you the victim of betrayal? I can’t feel your pain, because right now I’m trying to stay numb, just to function.”
“I need to hear from you that you and the kids will be OK,” he whispered.
“Well, I’m sorry, Arthur, but I don’t know if we will. I can’t comfort you. I’ll talk with you more about this after I get Tom to school, but not before.” She turned slowly and left him in the laundry room, holding the basket of dirty clothes.
Travel day arrived. Jess and Tom flew to Boston to take in a Red Sox game at Fenway, before driving to Brown in Providence to settle him in the next day. Jess salvaged the remnants of a plan that Arthur had mentioned to Tom earlier and then abandoned, but not before buying three tickets to the game. Arthur went to London for a meeting, possibly to avoid this last family outing.
“Mom, this is too cool. I’ve always wanted to see a game at Fenway. I can’t believe Dad is missing this.” Tom pointed out the long line of people waiting to buy tickets.
“Well, since he is, do you want to try your hand at scalping his ticket?” Jess pulled out the extra ticket and scoured the area to see where the stadium property started. She spotted some likely ticket scalpers at the corner across the street and scanned the crowd, looking for any police officers who might have opinions about her idea.
“Really?” Tom looked at his mom. She grinned at him and cocked her head at the two guys they were now both watching across the street. The men were standing about ten feet apart, posted opposite incoming fan traffic and forcing groups to separate to get by them. Each in turn talked to a fan now and then. Sure enough, Jess saw a pair of tickets change hands as one of them palmed money. As the transaction was finalized, Tom turned to his mother, a smile playing on his face. “You’re really gonna let me do this?”
“Go for it, before I change my mind.” She handed him the extra ticket.
Tom bolted across the street when he found a pause in traffic, then assumed the pose of a casual, blending-into-the-crowd local. He kept his distance from the two vendors already in position but checked them out. They were clearly aware of him. Jess could see him try out his moves with a couple of potential customers, keeping his head low and showing the ticket when he had a true prospect. Fifteen minutes crawled by, and then the transaction took place lightning fast. One of the veteran scalpers sent a singleton over to Tom. Jess didn’t see any evidence of communication between them, but, in an instant, Tom handed over the ticket and pocketed some money. He casually looked over at his mother. He walked back across the street with a bit of swagger and rejoined her, a more worldly boy.
“Hey, you did it! Good job!” She chuckled.
“Mom, that scalper sent me that sale. Did you see that? Not many people needed just one ticket. That’s why he helped me out.”
“That, and to get you off his patch, no doubt.” Jess tousled her son’s tawny hair. “Let’s go use your earnings for a Red Sox cap.”
Hat purchased, they headed into the stadium. It was Augustin-Boston hot, and they melted while they ate hot dogs and drank beer. The Green Monster helped the Sox win, but when Arthur called later to hear how it had gone, the scalping episode was what won the day. As she heard Tom recount the experience to his father, she heard him say, “Yes, she surprised me too, Dad.”
Jess had surprised everyone, including herself. She wondered what was next.
They drove out of Boston the next morning. Tom wore his Red Sox cap and listened to music with his headphones. Jess tried to avoid thinking too hard about anything, knowing time was running out on this trip. Her focus narrowed as she hit bad traffic on the entry ramp to the expressway. An emergency vehicle blocking an additional lane created a blind spot, making it hard for drivers to merge responsibly. The inevitable dance played out. Some drivers were polite and reluctant to pull out, others brazen and pushy as they all jerked ahead and braked hard until they passed the narrow spot. Jess’s heart was in her throat by the time they made it. She missed the common-sense zipper merge from home. She missed home itself—until she realized “home” was about to undergo a radical change. She would be returning to an empty house. She looked over at Tom, who seemed oblivious to her white knuckles clenching the wheel. She exhaled slowly and loosened her grip, thankful that much of her world went unnoticed by her children.
Tom perked up when they arrived on campus and saw all the hubbub of parents and kids in clusters near the dorms. She lost him quickly to the activity of moving his luggage in and registering with his resident advisor. Fortunately, his stuff had arrived via UPS and been hauled to his room. They found his roommate and family already there.
“You must be Jake.” Tom extended his hand to a slightly built young man with a tattoo on his forearm and an earring in one ear. “Nice to finally meet you in person.” The boys had been in touch for a few weeks and already knew they were both tennis players and had similar taste in music.
Jess visited with Jake and his parents for a few minutes and then, as she and Tom had agreed earlier, was to make her exit. “No drama, OK, Mom?” had been Tom’s precise words as they’d discussed the trip. He walked her back to the car, and they both kept it together, though Tom showed more affection than Jess expected. He watched her drive away and blew her kisses until she had turned out of the parking area.
She settled into her hotel room and took a late-day run around the campus neighborhood, making sure she didn’t go too close to Tom’s dorm. It was one thing to have a loving mother, but she didn’t want to embarrass him by clinging. The air was crisp, and the exercise helped her shed the unspent emotion from the hectic run-up of delivering Tom to his next phase. And, of course, now that he was settled, she realized she had to prepare emotionally for her next discussion with Arthur, which she could no longer postpone.
Brown University, located in the College Hill Historic District, was a beautiful campus surrounded by colonial architecture. Narrow streets gave way to lovely green boulevards as she ran toward the school. The grounds were flawless. Closely cropped grass impeccably edged the brick-and-cement walkways that seemed to crisscross the campus endlessly. Not a bad place to spend the next four years, she thought.
She ran past many family groupings in the midst of final goodbyes, hugs, and tears. She noticed how young and beautiful the children were, and how proud the parents. Many lingered to watch their children walk into a dorm before they headed off, some holding hands en route back to their cars. Farewells and fresh starts were in the air.
The academic year was always a new beginning for Jess, and she decided to own that theme. She knew it was better to embrace the future than to hide from it.
The crisp air and color of the light as dusk approached energized her, and she realized she was hungry. Rather than having a room-service dinner, she decided to go to the hotel dining room and eat a decent meal. She arrived with a book and was prepared to read if she needed to avoid the awkwardness of eating alone in a small dining room.
As it was, she was seated in a corner and had a good observation point from which to people watch. She wanted to get lost in the moment and not face the future before she had to. She was happy to sit and enjoy her wine and her meal, without worry.
It was early, just seven o’clock, so only a few tables were occupied. She noted most were tables for two, but there was one with two couples together and a party of six. She guessed it was a mom and dad with adult children and spouses celebrating an anniversary dinner. They were all dressed up, and the celebrated couple, in their seventies, were wearing a boutonniere and a corsage. The sweet looks they exchanged throughout their mea
l were adorable.
One pair near Jess seemed to be romantically involved, lost in their own world—lots of giggling, close conversation, and intimate looks. She saw no rings. She wondered if they were staying at the hotel. How long had they been together? Was it an assignation of people married to others, or a business-trip opportunity for them to be together, or were they single and just newly dating?
Another couple close by her bore the signs of the long married. They didn’t talk to each other at all and had only limited conversations with the waitperson. They nursed their drinks for a long while before ordering food, and still no talking. How could this be? No smiling, no shared glances. It didn’t bode well for their future, she thought.
Jess tried to keep her mind in forward mode but couldn’t stop the invading thoughts about how often Arthur was away and how easy it was for him to stray. She had never worried about it—how stupid of her. How naive to think he was in love with her and that was enough. And even when he had still been in love with her, had that kept him faithful?
She tried to recall their last romantic dinner but couldn’t. She thought about the long-married couple who didn’t speak and looked miserable. Was that how she and Arthur would appear if they were here together?
She lingered with her coffee and a complimentary chocolate. The romantic couple made their exit in character. Sweet conversation wafted over to Jess. “Should we have room-service dessert and champagne sent up?” the man asked his lover as he motioned to the server.
The woman giggled softly. “Oh, what an idea! Yes, let’s do.”
When they left, Jess looked up and was startled by images reflected back at her in a wall mirror that the couple’s bodies had previously concealed. Light danced around her own image from the table candles and wall sconces; she quickly looked down. She wondered if she was ready to focus on herself now.
She considered picking up her book, when one of the anniversary celebrants approached her to take a picture. “It’s our parents’ fifty-fifth wedding anniversary. Would you . . .”
“Of course. I’d be happy to.” Jess made her way to the table and gamely suggested poses for a group shot. She took a few pictures.
The jovial husband scanned her face and ring finger. “How is a nice lady like you having dinner alone in this romantic hotel? Where’s your husband?”
Jess’s eyes followed his, and she promised herself to retire the ring when she got home. “Oh, well, he travels a lot. I’m here dropping our son at school.” Jess smiled broadly and turned down an offer to join them for cake.
She returned to her table and started to collect her things. But the party group sent over a piece of anniversary cake, and the server freshened her coffee. They looked over at her as she raised her cup in a toast to the couple. The cake was delicious, and the irony made her smile. She slowly lifted her head, and this time, she actively sought her likeness in the glass. The flattering light helped obscure the dark circles under her eyes and any new frown lines she was sure she had developed. Slowly she focused, shakily at first, but then gave herself a full-blown smile as she toasted her image with decaffeinated coffee. Her auburn hair tucked behind her ears, she saw that she was overdue for a trim, but that was a minor adjustment. She felt ready to make some major adjustments as well.
She left the dining room with her book but found she didn’t need to read to put herself to sleep. It was staying asleep that eluded her. Tomorrow she would start to clear the fog and begin the search for her future.
Chapter 19
Jess returned home to an empty house but a glorious sunset. The view of Francis Park’s trees showed red and orange as she walked into the living room and peered west out the picture window. She opened the side windows to freshen the air and take in the soft rustle of leaves through branches. It was dead silent in her house, and starting to get cold, almost time to turn the furnace on for the fall. She had begged off having company tonight. Both Claire and Diane had called her while she was in transit, but she needed some time alone.
And she needed some sleep. Most mornings, she awakened at three a.m. with an overall ache. Her physical self then alerted her emotional self to the hurt and fear that kicked in as she remembered her new reality. She wondered how long it would take to get through this wave of grief. She walked through the house, looking at all the lonely rooms, hearing squeaks and groans that seemed to bemoan emptiness.
She knew the grief would follow its own path, but she rallied to rid herself of the anxiety around putting Arthur off. She e-mailed him a time, in three days, when she would be available for their conversation. Finally, she lay down in Tom’s bed for a nap that turned into her first full night’s sleep in months.
In the morning, her mind started working on her behalf. A survival instinct, she supposed. Her immediate safety came to mind. She needed to be tested. She steeled herself not to hold back when she called for the appointment. “I need to see Dr. Scott in the next day or two.”
She booked an appointment at the end of the day and attempted to hold her impatience in check until she got to the clinic.
The exam room had recently been redone in soothing green and blue coastal colors, with artwork and utilitarian chair cushions to match. Somehow, though, the colors didn’t calm her. Rather, they seemed to be the perfect foil to her red-hot rage after she’d been humiliated into this situation. Her body was rigid, her breathing uneven, as she sat barefoot and naked under the wrap gown.
The exam table paper and vinyl cushion at the margins was cold, and she attempted to adjust her hot body to make direct contact with the chill. Just as she realized the gown was on backward, Dr. Valerie Scott hurried into the room, carrying Jess’s chart. She made quite an entrance in her clicking four-inch heels, dangling earrings, and elegant silver bracelets peeking out the sleeve of her crisp white coat. Without looking up, she said, “Hello, Jess. I’m surprised to see you. What’s up?”
Jess and Valerie had become acquainted while serving together on a hospital committee that addressed merger issues affecting the training programs at the university hospital. Jess had switched to Valerie a year before, when her previous primary-care physician had retired and moved to Florida.
“I got confused with my gown, like I haven’t given birth or been in a gown countless times before . . .” Jess felt her face flush.
Valerie stood stock still, then quickly offered, “Oh, it happens all the time. Somebody should design a better gown. Let me help you.” She placed a cool hand on Jess’s shoulder while steadying her. “OK, now that we’ve gotten that done, let’s relax a bit, and then you can tell me what’s wrong.”
Jess almost lost it. To have moved so quickly from an in-control professional woman to an emotional basket case who was not capable of getting herself into a patient gown was almost too much. Valerie’s kind touch put her over the edge. She chose to avoid a total meltdown by blurting, “My husband has been cheating on me, and I need whatever STD tests you recommend.”
Valerie stifled a gasp. “Dr. Steele?”
“Yes.” Valerie’s surprise gave Jess time to try to stop her body from shaking.
“I see.” The doctor took both of Jess’s hands. “I’m so sorry.” She paused and took a couple of slow breaths before going on, as if to calm them both. “Can you tell me if this has been going on for a while, with one partner, or more?” Valerie asked in a soft voice.
“For a long time, and probably with various partners.” Jess’s voice was still emotional but stronger. The worst was over. For the first time, she had overcome her natural loyalty to her husband and given him up as the cad he was—and to a colleague of his.
“OK, then we’ll need to take some blood and a vaginal swab to run some tests.” Valerie started to describe the tests and the overall incidence statistics, but Jess interrupted.
“And I want you to send the tests out to a commercial lab.” She forced the words out, knowing how they would be received.
“Oh, I don’t think that’s necessar
y,” Valerie said in her doctor voice. Jess had chosen Valerie because she was smart, direct, younger than Jess by a decade, and a bright light in the U’s academic leadership circles, which was rare for a woman. She was no pushover.
“OK, then I’ll go elsewhere,” Jess challenged, waiting for the expected confrontation.
But Valerie paused and said merely, “All right. I understand you’re upset. I’ll see what I can do.”
Not yet satisfied, Jess pushed. “I’m asking you to take personal responsibility for this. Please?” She stared straight into Valerie’s eyes until she received the consent she needed.
Valerie drew blood and took a vaginal swab while continuing to talk Jess through the incidence of any particular sexually transmitted disease. When she was finished, Jess scooted back into a seated position on the exam table.
“You were smart to take care of this. I’m glad you came in. Now that you’re here, let me ask you, how are you sleeping?”
“Not very well, of course. But I’m getting by.” Jess, now chilly, pulled the privacy blanket around her.
“Would you like something to help you get some rest?”
“No, I’ll be fine.”
“Do you think you need—”
“Please stop. I’m not going to harm myself or anybody else. I’ll be OK. What I’m feeling is what I need to feel to move forward. But thank you for your concern.” Jess sat up straighter and smiled at Dr. Scott, not her friend Valerie. “And thank you for sending these to an outside lab. I know it sounds crazy—it probably is crazy—but I have so little control right now.”
“It’s fine. I’ll send them out and call you personally as soon as I get the results back. No lab personnel, no residents, no students. Just me.” Valerie squeezed her hand.
Jess felt weightless as she walked to her car in the fading light. She tried not to think about the three days she would have to wait for the results. She opened the car window and felt the fresh air blowing on her face as she congratulated herself for trusting in Valerie.