“I guess we don’t have a choice.” Tammy scowled and turned to Steven. “Do we, Steven?”
“Come on, Tammy. At least it’s a roof over our heads.”
“Oh, hush Steven. If I’d known you expected me to live in a bloody caravan, I would never have come here in the first place.”
Thinking they needed some privacy, Rick butted in. “I’ll leave you two alone,” he said before quickly exiting the trailer.
Tammy nodded and continued where she left off. “I’m not raising our child in a goddamn caravan, Steven. I’ll tell you that right now.”
“We won’t be. It’s just temporary,” Steven said in a reassuring voice.
“You’re damn right it’s temporary!” Tammy shouted. “Even if it means I have to look for a place on my own…a place with running water, I might add.” Holding her nose and coughing, Tammy headed to the door. “I have to get out of here, it stinks.”
Steven was left behind to wonder how on earth he was going to fix his latest mess.
Chapter 34
Tammy spent the next three days scrubbing the trailer from top to bottom, lugging buckets of warm, soapy water from the main house. Rick had given her a pile of sheets and pillowcases, some of which she used for the windows after pulling down the old curtains.
By the third day, she had managed to wash all the walls and clean all the cupboards inside and out. The place was at least livable now, if not somewhat cozy. The only area left to clean was the bathroom. After emptying everything from the cupboard below the vanity, she spent a few hours washing the walls, the shower stall, and the small sink. She then bagged up all the items from the vanity, which included an old hairbrush, a rusty can of shaving cream, old razors, and a plastic storage bag. Before tossing the bag, she opened it and peered inside. Sticky black tar with a strong odor of vinegar caused her to hold her breath. “Ugh, disgusting!” she said, whipping her head in the opposite direction.
Feeling satisfied with the much cleaner state of the bathroom, Tammy grabbed the large black trash bag and headed out to the driveway. Pleased to see the trash truck was at the house next door, she waited by the curb and waved to the guy standing on the back of the truck.
As it pulled up in front of her and came to a stop, Tammy held up the bag and yelled, “Can you take this one please?”
The man jumped off the truck and approached her. “Sure, darling,” he said with a cheeky grin and a wink.
Ignoring his flirtatious manner, Tammy handed him the bag. “Thank you,” she said before heading back up the driveway.
Happy with her progress on the trailer and not expecting Steven to return until after dark, she decided to treat herself to a shower and some lunch.
Since arriving at Rick’s, Steven had changed dramatically. Rarely did they see or even talk to each other. Using her car, they left early in the morning before she was awake, and Steven would always leave a twenty-dollar bill on the small dinette table. She used the money to buy cleaning supplies and lunch for herself from the small market at the end of their street.
Always returning home after dark, usually in a delirious state, Steven never said more than few words to Tammy. She watched from afar as he flopped onto the couch with his eyelids drooping halfway over his reddened eyes. He invariably nodded off on the couch with his head bent forward in a drowsy state as Tammy looked on in disgust. Sometimes, straining to stay awake, he’d jerk up in a moment of panic, but within a few seconds, he’d nod off again, incoherent and oblivious to Tammy’s presence. Appalled by his appearance and erratic behavior, Tammy often slept in the bed alone. By the time she woke up, he was gone again.
On her way to take a shower the following morning, Tammy couldn’t avoid the dirty dishes piled high in the sink of the main house and decided to wash them. Above the clatter of dishes and cutlery, she thought she heard a noise coming from the back yard. Slowly raising her hands out of the soapy water and giving them a brisk shake, she stood in silence and listened intently for any more sounds outside. A few seconds went by before she heard the roaring holler of a male voice and what sounded like objects crashing against a wall.
Puzzled, Tammy ran to the back door and out into the yard. “What the hell is going on?” she grumbled. Turning her head from side-to-side, she scanned the entire area and tried to tune in on where the commotion was coming from. Another round of shouting confirmed the noise was coming from the trailer.
From inside, she heard Steven yell, “Where the fuck is it?”
Alarmed, Tammy ran as fast as she could to the entranceway and nervously peeked her head through the door. Horrified by what she saw, she slapped her hands over her open mouth and gasped in shock. The trailer she had just spent three days diligently cleaning and trying to make a home out of, had seemingly been destroyed in a matter of minutes. Every drawer had been pulled out and their broken contents were now scattered across the floor in a state of disarray. The once neatly organized stacks of plates and cups now lay in ruins beneath her feet, and the few cupboard doors that hadn’t been torn from their hinges were open and swinging freely.
Steven, still unaware of Tammy’s presence, was now in the bedroom with his back facing her. As Tammy raced in his direction, fueled with hatred, she could see the bed had been torn apart. Sheets and blankets were tossed into corners, and the mattress lay on its side against a wall. In a blind rage, Steven was pulling everything out of the cupboards above the bed and launching their belongings around the room.
Diving between the flying objects, Tammy ran over to him. “Steven! Stop! What are you doing?” she yelled while grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling him back.
He spun around with a fiery glint in his eyes and locked his fingers around her arms. “Where is it, Tammy? What did you do with the bag?” Steven screamed as he rattled her body back and forth under his tight grip.
Bracing against the pain of his fingernails digging into her flesh, Tammy cried out, “Steven, you’re hurting me!” Terrified, she looked into his eyes, shadowed by a haunting darkness of a man she no longer knew.
“WHERE’S THE FUCKING BAG, TAMMY?”
“What bag? I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Tammy sobbed.
“The bag that was underneath the sink in the bathroom. I know I left it there but now it’s gone.” Steven shook her harder. “What did you do with it? ANSWER ME!” he screamed in Tammy’s face so loud that spots of spittle flew out of his mouth and landed on her pale skin.
“Steven, you’re scaring me.” She was choking on her words, trembling with fear. “There was nothing under there but trash.” Unable to see through the veil of unshed tears, she sniffed hard to clear her nose. “The only bag under there was a plastic bag with some old brown stuff in it.”
Steven froze. His eyes shot wide open with hope. “That’s the one! What did you do with it?”
“I…um…I th-threw it away. I thought, um…I thought it was rubbish.”
As a wave of panic flushed through him, he released his grip on Tammy and spun around before storming back through the trailer, scanning the wreckage for any kind of trash bag. “Where’s the trash bag you put it in?” Digging through piles of clutter, he yelled louder, “Where is it, Tammy?”
“I gave it to the trash man. He pulled up right when I was walking out to the driveway.”
“You did…fuck…you did what?” As a look of horror descended over Steven’s face, he raised his right hand high above his shoulder and swung it down across the left side of her face.
From the unexpected force of his strike, Tammy collapsed against the wall and slid down to the floor. Cupping her cheek in her hand, she felt a hot throbbing pain beneath her skin. Petrified by his enraged state and unable to understand what had come over him, she cowered beneath the shelter of her shaking hands. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know,” she whispered, her voice trembling with fear.
Steven’s shadow loomed over her, his eyes blazing and his nostrils flaring with anger. He mocked her by impersonating a
female voice. “I didn’t know…” Before Tammy realized what he was doing, his left foot barreled hard into her stomach.
Squealing in pain, she curled up into a fetal position and held her stomach tight. “My god, Steven! The baby!” she screamed as a cascade of tears poured down her face.
Ignoring Tammy’s anguish, Steven jabbed her sharply on the shoulder and snarled, “That was five thousand dollars’ worth of stuff. I was going to use it to get us outta here. Now what are we going to do?”
Tammy had no idea what he was talking about, nor did she care. Her only worry now was about the baby, unlike Steven, who showed no concern whatsoever. Through her sobbing, she heard someone enter the trailer and the thud of heavy footsteps making their way toward them. In silence, Tammy gushed with relief.
“Hey, Steven, you in here?” she heard Rick call.
Steven held a finger up to his lips, instructing Tammy to be quiet. “Not now, man.”
She ignored his request. “In here, Rick!” she hollered back.
Rick appeared in the doorway just in time to see Steven punishing Tammy for not keeping her mouth shut by slapping her across the back of her head. Horrified by what he witnessed, Rick rushed over to Steven, grabbed his arms, and yanked him away from Tammy. “Whoa, man. What the fuck’s going on?”
“The stupid bitch threw away the bag, man,” Steven moaned, struggling to break loose from Rick’s firm hold. Ignoring Steven’s protests, Rick turned to Tammy, who was still sobbing on the floor. “Are you okay?”
Afraid to speak again, Tammy simply nodded.
“I’ll be right back,” Rick said as he began to walk Steven out of the room. “Come on, man, let’s get you some fresh air. You need to calm down.”
Outside the trailer, with enough distance between them and Tammy, Rick let Steven go. “I’m so fucked, man!” Steven griped while fumbling for a cigarette in his jean pocket.
“Don’t sweat about the stuff right now. Jeez.” Rick took a cigarette from Steven, lit it, and inhaled deeply. “Why’d you hit her? She doesn’t know what’s going on. Damn, man.” He drew a few more deep hits off the cigarette and stomped it out on the ground. “Stay here while I go talk to your girl.”
Rick found Tammy still curled in the fetal position on the floor, sobbing and holding her stomach. Kneeling beside her, Rick took her in his arms. “Shh, it’s going to be okay.”
Tammy welcomed his embrace and huddled her head against his chest. Rick held her tight, letting her cry until she was ready to speak.
“I don’t know what I did wrong, Rick. There was nothing but trash under the sink.” She pulled herself away from his arms and leaned against the wall before stretching out her legs and placing her hands back over her stomach. “I’ve never seen him so angry. No one has ever hit me before, not even my father. I’m worried about the baby, Rick. He kicked me in my stomach.”
“I’m sure the baby’s fine. Do you have any cramps or pain?”
Tammy shook her head.
“And you’re not bleeding. Right?”
Again, she shook her head.
Rick knew he had to come clean with her; she had a right to know. He placed a hand on her knee. “Tammy, the stuff in the plastic bag that you threw away was five thousand dollars’ worth of heroin.”
“It was what?” she asked, puzzled.
“Heroin,” he repeated. “It’s a narcotic drug…and, um, Steven is selling it for me. He should’ve told you all this before dragging you up here. We go way back. We’ve known each other since high school and used to get high together.”
Tammy stared at Rick in shock. She couldn’t believe what he was telling her. “Steven uses drugs?”
“I thought you knew.” He was stunned that she didn’t. “Haven’t you noticed the tracks, or I guess you can call them scars, on his arms? Haven’t you found any needles?”
“I did find needles once in our old apartment back in Lonesridge.” Suddenly, it hit her. Steven had been lying to her from the beginning. “I confronted him, but because I didn’t really know what they were for, I asked why he never told me he was a diabetic.”
Rick chuckled. “Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh. You really thought he was a diabetic? And I guess Steven played along, hmm?”
Tammy nodded, but she still wasn’t totally convinced. “But diabetics do use needles, and he has the scars to prove it.”
“Honey, insulin shots don’t leave scars. Those scars are from using heroin. I hate to tell you this, but Steven’s been shooting up heroin for as long as I’ve known him.”
“Shooting up? What does that mean?” Tammy asked.
“I’m sorry. It’s a term used for getting high with needles.”
Tammy frowned. “You mean like…injecting drugs to get high?”
Rick nodded.
“Do you shoot up?” she asked.
“I stopped about four years ago. Now I just sell the stuff.”
“And you offered Steven a job?”
“Steven contacted me a while back. Said he needed to get out of town and asked if I was still selling. When I said yes, he said he wanted in. He said he was bringing his girl with him. I assumed you knew everything, so I told him I’d set him up and that the both of you could stay here for a while.”
“He hadn’t paid our rent in over three months. That’s why we got kicked out. He told me he had a job in sales.”
“Well, he wasn’t lying about that. He just didn’t tell you what he was selling.”
“I can’t believe I never knew he was a drug user.” Tammy thought for a moment. “What if I tell him I don’t want him to use or sell drugs anymore. Do you think he’ll quit?”
Feeling sorry for her, Rick shook his head. She was so naive and clearly had no idea what she was up against. “Tammy, he’s an addict…a junkie. Some people are addicted to alcohol. Steven is addicted to heroin, but the addiction to heroin is a hundred times worse than being addicted to booze. Heroin is one of the most powerful and addictive drugs out there. He’s not going to be able to just quit, it’s not that easy. He’d risk suffering from life-threatening withdrawals.”
Tammy knelt on her knees and faced Rick. “But you quit, so why can’t he?”
“I spent over three years going in and out of rehab before I became clean. I couldn’t have done it alone. I needed help. Medication and counselling. I gradually weaned myself off the drug, and I can tell you now that it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. It’s dangerous of me to still sell the drug, and yeah, I’m not gonna lie, the temptation is still there, but every day I get a little bit stronger. Now it’s all about the money. I make damn good money selling the stuff. More than I could ever make doing a normal job.”
Tammy pulled herself to her feet and began pacing the room, combing her hair with her fingers, deep in thought. “Well, what am I going to do? I don’t want my baby around drugs, or living in this trailer for that matter. Surely, the baby will make him want to quit.”
Rick rose to his feet and walked over to her, placing his hand on her shoulder. Tammy met his gaze. “Look, Tammy, I can’t tell you what to do. You need to make your own decisions. But you’re right, a kid shouldn’t be raised in this kind of lifestyle. I hope he can quit for the sake of the baby, and for your sake, too. But, the sad part is, neither one of us can make him quit. He has to do it on his own.”
Trying to comfort herself, Tammy folded her arms. “And what about the stuff I threw away? I’m so sorry, Rick, I had no idea what it was. I honestly thought it was trash.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll work it out with Steven.” He didn’t want to tell her that Steven would have to give him a higher cut on future batches to cover the lost until the five thousand was paid back. Right now, he was just thankful he had some extra cash stashed away to pay the dealer for the batch she had thrown away. “Well, it looks like you have a lot of thinking to do. I’m going to leave you alone. Are you going to be okay?”
“Yeah I’ll be fine, and thank you.�
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Still feeling sorry for her but knowing there was nothing more he could do, Rick left the trailer to go find Steven. After a quick lap of the yard and the house, Rick realized he was nowhere to be found.
Left alone in her thoughts, Tammy questioned why she hadn’t seen the signs of Steven’s drug use. Reflecting back, they all seemed so clear now; his constant mood swings, falling asleep in the middle of the day—sometimes in front of company—the needles under the sink, his frequent long visits to the bathroom and how he seemed much happier when he came out wearing that awful smirk she detested, the fact that he never paid rent yet still had no money. She also realized now that the stop they’d made to see his “buddy” outside of Lonesridge was a place he needed to stop at to buy drugs—no wonder he wanted her to stay in the car.
Maybe she didn’t want to know. Maybe she was in denial. Perhaps the hardest part to accept was that her father had known the whole time. He’d even tried to tell her, warn her, but she’d refused to listen. Steven had been lying to her for months. She was having a baby with someone she didn’t even know. Today, she had seen the monster within. No matter what she did, she couldn’t get through to him. His one and only concern was the drugs; not her, not the baby.
Tammy found herself fearing him, afraid of what he may be capable of when under the spell of the drug. She could no longer trust him and would have to tread carefully to ensure she didn’t cause him to explode. She needed time to think. Was she willing to give him another chance? She didn’t know right now. Her priority was to find her and the baby a better home and a better life.
She had to take the reins to get her life back. She had to stand up for herself and not allow herself to cower under him. Tomorrow would be a new start. She would begin by taking her car back so Steven could no longer use it for drug deals. She would spend the day looking for a job and wouldn’t return until her hunt proved successful.
Chapter 35
Even though Tammy was still sore from being kicked in the stomach, she somehow managed to clean the whole trailer again following Steven’s rampage. She put items back in the cupboards and threw away anything that was broken or destroyed. She struggled with the mattress on her own and pulled it back on the box spring before remaking the bed, hanging all the clothes back in the closets, and putting the cushions back on the sofa. Rick popped in from time to time to check on her, making sure she was okay and to see if Steven had returned, but he had not.
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